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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
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#1
Ok - so I was diagnosed with PTSD a long time ago. I also worked through many issues and thus was deemed "cured" - though it still pops up from time to time but not (usually) on as extreme an intensity. Because of that, I have decided PTSD never truly goes away - but it "dims out" enough it no longer disrupts you as much.
Problem is - this morning I woke up in terror from a dream about a memory of something I had been told I had "worked through". Thing was - this time - I realized something about it I had not earlier. It scared me .. it still does. See, at one point - when I was 16 - my father n I were having yet another argument about my boyfriend. He did not like him bc he was not "smart enough" (I was in advanced classes, he was in the learning disabled classes) and his family was "too poor" (we were middle class and Dad was in Navy, they were poor survived by getting food that no longer could be sold and his dad did car repair from his home). My Dad started asking me questions n then when I would try to answer, he would tell me to shut up - so I would. This went on about 3 times. Then after more yelling, he says to me "by the way, you never answered my question." I said "which question was that Dad" he repeated the first. I said "well - I tried to - you told me to shut up, so I did. Which do you want me to do? Answer? Or shut up? I can't do both." With that he smacked me across the face so hard it bounced twice back n forth. I started staring off into the mirror in front of me. He asked if I wanted another one. I said "if it'll make you feel better Dad, go ahead." He did. That pissed me off. We were in his bedroom this entire time n he was lying propped up on pillows under the covers. - When he smacked me that second time, I hauled off and smacked his leg (which was under blankets) That pissed him off enough he flew out of bed, grabbed me, picked me up, threw me on bed, pushed me down, climbed on top of me, pinned me down n started shaking me n yelling at me .. I always remembered all that. What I realized though - I thought he was on all fours over top of me shaking me. That would not be possible to do and maintain balance. Which - gives creedence to why I remember being scared he was going to
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I don't know who to talk to about this but it honestly has my PTSD on this and my
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When I woke - the memory of the dream was still there so vivid I could not go back to sleep even though I was dead tired. __________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Anonymous55879, Lilfae
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
8 2,609 hugs
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#2
Nevermind - I don't need any support. I have learned well over the years to do without it.
Over 60 views, 0 responses ... tells the story all too well. It's one I'm used to. Take care .. __________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Lilfae
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#3
Hi Crypts of the mind. I didn't read this until now. It seems like the views without replies have gone and triggered off old stuff about being alone/unsupported now as well. Just to add to everything.
Personally I think PTSD symptoms can settle down for quite long periods of time and then get triggered up by something again. It kicks my butt a lot. Do you have any idea what might have triggered the dream? I hope you find a way to calm the emotional flashback kind of stuff. |
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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#4
Crypts, sorry I just saw this. Worked 7.8 hours yesterday at a Rock Festival plus lots of stuff going on with my family. I am sorry that you aren't getting all of the support you need. You might want to consider going back to therapy. Think of therapy as a treatment for this chronic and terrible PTSD that is NOT your fault. Just like other serious chronic illnesses, it flairs up then retreats. You might suffer less if you seek help when it rears its ugly head.
I am sorry your dad did that to you and that you have been
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I agree with Amyjay, you probably saw, read, or are dealing with something (severe stress?) that has triggered your PTSD. Serious things happened to you that were not your fault including your father really, seriously damaging you with his rage. I am sorry. Hugs. |
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
8 2,609 hugs
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#5
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Thanks for responding ❤ __________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Anonymous55879, Lilfae
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
8 2,609 hugs
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#6
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There truly was nothing to trigger the flashback. I had not been talking about nor thinking of that event and I did not watch any TV that day. Up until that dream I thought my Dad had simply flew out of bed, picked me up, threw me on the bed, pushed me down, and held me down .. in a position similar to when you are crawling on all fours. But .. he was shaking me severely while he was yelling at me. You can't do that while in that position and maintain your balance.. I remembered how he had me in my dream. It startled me. It worried me. It haunted my mind. So I looked it up to be sure I was right. Yes. This is a military defense move. No, I never learned military tactics - but my Dad is military. He is trained to use those tactics in high stress and dangerous situations - when warranted. He was highly stressed. That's why I am not sure if he meant to
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Thank you for responding. ❤ __________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Lilfae
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#7
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I am sorry that this is the only place you have to get treatment. |
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Member Since Mar 2019
Location: On The Island, USA
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#8
Hey Crypts,
Sorry I just read this. Sometimes so caught up in my own shxx I miss someone else asking for help. I don't have a lot to add... It's piss luck if you can find a counselor that can really help. Mine is very understanding, and pays attention. I don't know how much help talk therapy is without specialized training. It is better than not having anyone to talk to. I have not had dreams that are about real stuff. My dreams are vivid, but surreal. What happened to you is rough. No one deserves to be treated that way, especially a kid. Just want you to know I care, even if I don't have any great words of wisdom. Hugs. __________________ King Moonraiser: A toy is never truly happy until it is loved by a child. |
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
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#9
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Thanks for caring n posting. __________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Anonymous55879
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#10
What your father did to you was brutal, and your step mother's reply was horrific no matter what she thought had happened! And to use combat skills he had learned in the military on his daughter bc he was angry, that's really grave.
I can relate to realizing new aspects of an abusive situation, and then have all the force of PTSD wash back over you. It doesn't really take much either. And I too believe it doesn't ever go away completely. I'm thinking that something that had you so traumatized that you got PTSD impacts you too deeply for it to ever go away. Just like a scar never goes away. But that you can have good periods, and that the bad times are less bad... And those therapists... They shouldn't have that kind of job! You'd think that people trained in psychology and treating PTSD patients know it's not possible to "just get over it". It's hard to get help that actually helps. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. It's just so incredibly unfair, that not only are you hurt in a given situation and then it's over, but that you keep experiencing the feelings you had over and over and over, and how it affects so many parts of your life. They don't only hurt you then and there, they also take away everything that was supposed to feel good for years to come. All the experiences you were supposed to have, but that you didn't because you were lying in bed, or on the bathroom floor too exhausted to stand up. They steal your life. And not a lot of people seem to understand that. I don't know if any of this made any sense.. But I care. You matter, your feelings matter, your life matters. I don't know if you manage to feel it for yourself, but you are so precious! And you deserve so much better that what you have been given. __________________ "Little girls don't stay little forever. They turn into strong women that return to destroy your world." ~Kyle Stephens
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
8 2,609 hugs
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#11
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I understand life is never fair though. I have also come to the conclusion that pain (of all nature) will be dealt more n more often as time goes by. It upsets me when I cannot understand it and when I see people not caring about others (be it myself or someone else). I also become really rattled when all my mh problems topple on me all at one time bc then nothing seems to make sense. So, I think pain is going to become a bigger and bigger part of everyone's life - whether ot is from current things, past things, mh problems, self destructive things, or simply people not caring ... all of it causes pain. Quote:
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__________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Lilfae
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Lilfae
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#12
What your ex did to you was really mean - and dangerous as well! No wonder thunderstorms have that effect on you
And yes, it does make sense what you write about knowing your self worth and then losing sight of it. I have that too. But most of the time, what I know and what I feel don't match up. I can know that I am valuable, but I don't feel like I am. And I don't even think about it or notice it a lot of the time. But it struck me a couple of weeks ago, when my husband said something about it not being healthy to use some type of painkiller for too long, and I was like, "it's fine, why do you care?" But he cares because he values himself and his own body. I don't. So treating myself without care is the norm for me. __________________ "Little girls don't stay little forever. They turn into strong women that return to destroy your world." ~Kyle Stephens
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
8 2,609 hugs
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#13
I think your example of what you did n how you reacted to your husband - is something my husband would do n how he would react to me saying something similar as your husband said to you. He and I both have mh issues and we both have issues with not loving ourselves enough at times - but both of us display it in different ways. He is more similar to you. I tend to just berate myself into an isolation so deep its unreal and then continue to chastise myself. I have gotten much better at not doing that but it still happens at times. Especially if my mh gets triggered.
__________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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#14
Years ago i had circumstances like yours but different .My dad was a man that didn't talk but when it came to punishment, he wrote the book on infusing fear into being corrected. You see, fear is an easily embedded reaction, a naturally simple emotion we all have that can mold is into being something we are normally not. It pumps up adrenal output and how we react is measured by the exposure to fear. So i hid from my dad all the time. He had a job that was stressful and was an alcoholic.
Later in my high school years, i found myself in situations where when i saw kids being made fun of or crying, i reacted to that with violence. I saw those kids, sad and crying and i began to see a grey blur. I became sad because they were, much like the way it dealt with being punished. I put myself into another plane of existence. I can sometimes remember the hurt of their faces when i have dreams of events happening now. It's not the same thing you have, but i guess I'm sayng the power of the human mind is just incredible. Something we'll never fully understand. So it may seem different and not at all related to your issue, but it is another example of the mysterious ways of the mind. |
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
8 2,609 hugs
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#15
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__________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Junior Member
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Location: Usa
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#16
Exactly. Not to take away from your issue at all, but rather i was trying to give the view for another understanding. If that makes any sense to you. Sometimes it's not always the best solution to continue to tear down the road built but to construct a new bridge over it? I was told this by my grandfather.
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