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Twinmama831
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Attention Aug 04, 2019 at 09:14 AM
  #1
I think my CPTSD is getting to me.
I have a trigger whom I live with (my husband).
Often, he is the one who brings up the certain times or subjects and wants to dwell more on them. There are things Ive never discussed and probably never will, and for him to ask me to go back in my brain and cross analyze me makes me nuts, he knows I have lied to cover certain things. Hes bipolar 2 and goes through manic episodes that trigger these uncomfortable bad conversations. They leave me dissociated if I do deal with them.

I just feel myself slipping into a deep depression lately. I want to sleep alot. I have no clue what I like to do or a sense of who I am, besides being the title "mom". If I want to do things out of the norm for me like take the kids for a walk my husband thinks something is up. Crazy accusations, jealousy. But im a stay at home mom, with no friends really, at 24.

We are moving by fall and buying his mothers home, which his brother and Dad are neighbors. I dont like the idea sometimes because I wanted to go elsewhere but financially its the better option.

I day dream and start to miss my "old life" that helped traumatize me. I only hang on for my kids. I hate that I cant move past my past.

I dont know how to make myself feel better anymore, I just feel numb and half here.
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Smile Aug 04, 2019 at 02:31 PM
  #2
I don't know as I really have anything useful to offer with regard to your post. (After all... I'm an old man.) But there were a couple of things you mentioned I could relate to, the primary thing being what you wrote about there being things you've never discussed and probably never will..."

There are things I've never talked about & definitely never will. There is also one thing that did come to light that I still don't talk about. (It's a long story & I'll spare you the details.) The thing is... at least based on my own experience... keeping stuff bottled up over the years (decades really in my instance) is corrosive. Over time it will eat you alive from the inside out. (Sorry if that's a bit graphic, but it's true.) And, at least in my case, its only gotten worse with age.

I think, if it is at all possible, it's important to find someone... probably a therapist (if you don't already have one)... with whom you can talk through all of the experiences you had. Otherwise these sorts of things just continue to consume you. I've never been much on therapy myself. I did just skim the surface with one therapist for a short while. And although I didn't stick with it, while I was doing it, it was such a relief to talk about things I had kept hidden for decades. I often think about going back. But I know I never will.

As far as your husband goes, I think this probably becomes a matter of personal boundaries. So here are links to 5 articles, from PC's archives, on that subject:

The Importance of Personal Boundaries

Why Healthy Relationships Always Have Boundaries & How to Set Boundaries in Yours

5 Boundaries That Actually Bolster Your Bond in Your Marriage

When People Cross Your Boundaries

How to Deal with People Who Repeatedly Violate Your Boundaries | Happily Imperfect

My best wishes to you...

__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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Default Aug 05, 2019 at 09:06 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
I don't know as I really have anything useful to offer with regard to your post. (After all... I'm an old man.) But there were a couple of things you mentioned I could relate to, the primary thing being what you wrote about there being things you've never discussed and probably never will..."

There are things I've never talked about & definitely never will. There is also one thing that did come to light that I still don't talk about. (It's a long story & I'll spare you the details.) The thing is... at least based on my own experience... keeping stuff bottled up over the years (decades really in my instance) is corrosive. Over time it will eat you alive from the inside out. (Sorry if that's a bit graphic, but it's true.) And, at least in my case, its only gotten worse with age.

I think, if it is at all possible, it's important to find someone... probably a therapist (if you don't already have one)... with whom you can talk through all of the experiences you had. Otherwise these sorts of things just continue to consume you. I've never been much on therapy myself. I did just skim the surface with one therapist for a short while. And although I didn't stick with it, while I was doing it, it was such a relief to talk about things I had kept hidden for decades. I often think about going back. But I know I never will.

As far as your husband goes, I think this probably becomes a matter of personal boundaries. So here are links to 5 articles, from PC's archives, on that subject:

The Importance of Personal Boundaries

Why Healthy Relationships Always Have Boundaries & How to Set Boundaries in Yours

5 Boundaries That Actually Bolster Your Bond in Your Marriage

When People Cross Your Boundaries

How to Deal with People Who Repeatedly Violate Your Boundaries | Happily Imperfect

My best wishes to you...
Thank you, boundaries are something I need to set. Therapy also made me nuts after, I dont know if it was the therapist or just any of the subjects we went over. I never went deep with her but I would come home and my husband and I would fight.. I did feel a bit better though. I am the queen of bottled feelings, I really wish I wasnt but I dont feel I have that safe space.
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