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jaymoq
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Trig Sep 16, 2019 at 08:48 AM
  #1
**Potential trigger warning for abuse.**

I was in a relationship for several years with a very toxic man. He was heavy in to drugs and alcohol. He was a narcissist. He was a very smooth talker and knew just how to manipulate me to do exactly what he wanted. He gas lighted me. He stone walled me. He could be the sweetest, most romantic and considerate person one second and the next, an incredibly cruel and heartless one. When he'd get angry at me, he'd take it out on things I loved.
Possible trigger:
When I was finally released (to my parents), I went to our apartment and he was gone. I did not contact him after that. I considered myself free. About 2 years later, he appeared behind me on my walk to work. Scared me to death. He told me he couldn't stop thinking about me. Couldn't live without me. I ran to my office. I told the guard at the front desk (I work in government). But he kept finding me. He showed up at my new apartment and threw rocks at the window. He wrote me love letters. He would appear in a crowd when I was out in public, or he would send me an email along the lines of "I really liked that yellow dress on you today."

I got married. My husband was always so anxious about this ex of mine. He was jealous of the obsession, I guess? We saw a therapist together for it. We seemed to be doing okay. But, over the course of our 4 year marriage, we realized we were going different directions in life-- he was going to always work a very minimal job and I was getting my masters degree and going places. He didn't want to go there with me. We split amicably. Or so I thought. But, my husband decided we were splitting because I was seeing my stalker ex. So, the day the divorce papers were signed, he called my ex (how he tracked him down I do not know) and he told him something along the lines of "Come get her. She's free for the taking."

My stalker ex drove from three states away, leaving his pregnant girlfriend, to find me. He showed up and instead of being rational, I was devastated after my divorce (even though it was amicable, it was still hard to lose your future) so I let myself be manipulated by this man. He squatted in the spare room of my house and told me everything I needed to hear about my failed relationship. However, within a day or two, he was the bitter and arrogant man I knew. He had brought guns with him and set up targets out back (I lived on acreage) and started shooting practice. He then started googling how to make bombs. He told me the government was watching him and sending satellites to see him. He was clearly disturbed. So I told him to leave. And that's when he started to hurt me. He said he'd leave when he was ready. That I wasn't the boss of him. I remember not truly understanding what was happening. He was there for two weeks and I retreated back to my same old pattern of believing the horrible things he said.
Possible trigger:
and told me to go home and relax. Looking back now- it really was NOT a good way to handle anything. I of course denied medical treatment because I couldn't admit this had happened to me. I should have. But I didn't. I just took a few days off work, then hid my injuries and used makeup to hide it and lied that I'd gotten bucked off my horse.

He was in jail then and I was feeling remorseful. I am angry at myself for feeling that way. The county I lived in was not protective at all. Even though I had a restraining order, they allowed him to come back after he was released on bond. They didn't allow me to testify. I wasn't involved at all in his hearing. He was given deferred adjudication. They then told me he was allowed to come to my house to "get his things". I was all alone. I did not have any friends or family. So I held on to a hammer and watched him load his things and leave. I did not give him his guns. He told me I was crazy and ruined his life, but left not to be seen again. His deferred adjudication was served in 2 years and his RO was lifted. And every year since then, on the date that he was arrested, he will contact me. He is always nice. Always apologetic. But clearly unstable. About 2 years after the RO was lifted, I came home (I'd moved twice by then) and all of my things were thrown around. I called the cops and they say "Are you sure it wasn't like this when you left?" They then decided it was my cat that knocked things around. I just wanted to say "Are you serious?" But, there was no proof. And so I just had to sit up that night scared out of my mind. He never came back.

He hacked my online e-diary and started commenting on it. I've changed emails and I've changed phone numbers. I've blocked him on Facebook. But every year, without fail, he reaches out. And-- even though I block him, it still scares me. Brings back all these memories. I feel lost. This haunts me. I still have nightmares about him.

My boyfriend now doesn't understand. He has come from a physically abusive childhood, but he tells me this is different. He says I "could have gotten away". That I chose to be with my ex. Almost like this is my fault. He says "Just keep changing your email- problem solved". But, does it really? The fear I feel every time I get a message from me is damaging enough.

I see a therapist of course, but even she moves past it quickly. No matter how often I bring it up. It's all I think about. I can't even say this guys name without being terrified. And there is no doubt that if at any time, he wanted to come back-- he could.

I just feel-- sad. Bewildered. Lost. And no one understands. I am all alone.

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Last edited by bluekoi; Oct 21, 2019 at 11:43 AM.. Reason: Add triggger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 12:34 PM
  #2
Hey
@jaymoq
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaymoq View Post
He even killed one of my cats.
Did you call animal control or whatever organization handled this then?
Quote:
About 2 years later, he appeared behind me on my walk to work. Scared me to death. He told me he couldn't stop thinking about me. Couldn't live without me. I ran to my office. I told the guard at the front desk (I work in government). But he kept finding me. He showed up at my new apartment and threw rocks at the window. He wrote me love letters. He would appear in a crowd when I was out in public, or he would send me an email along the lines of "I really liked that yellow dress on you today."
ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING.
Quote:
But, my husband decided we were splitting because I was seeing my stalker ex. So, the day the divorce papers were signed, he called my ex (how he tracked him down I do not know) and he told him something along the lines of "Come get her. She's free for the taking."
Your ex husband was a major asshole and I hope you told him so.
Quote:
My stalker ex drove from three states away, leaving his pregnant girlfriend, to find me. He showed up and instead of being rational, I was devastated after my divorce (even though it was amicable, it was still hard to lose your future) so I let myself be manipulated by this man. He squatted in the spare room of my house and told me everything I needed to hear about my failed relationship. However, within a day or two, he was the bitter and arrogant man I knew. He had brought guns with him and set up targets out back (I lived on acreage) and started shooting practice. He then started googling how to make bombs. He told me the government was watching him and sending satellites to see him. He was clearly disturbed. So I told him to leave. And that's when he started to hurt me. He said he'd leave when he was ready. That I wasn't the boss of him. I remember not truly understanding what was happening. He was there for two weeks and I retreated back to my same old pattern of believing the horrible things he said. It wasn't until he hurt me so bad I was afraid I'd die that I called my mom crying saying I was afraid I was going to die that she called the cops and told me to get in my car and drive away. He of course got in his car and started following me. The cops pulled us both over and arrested him right there on the spot.
This was all done wrong. He should have been arrested and kept in jail, had his guns removed and had a police escort to get his things.
Quote:
He was in jail then and I was feeling remorseful. I am angry at myself for feeling that way. The county I lived in was not protective at all. Even though I had a restraining order, they allowed him to come back after he was released on bond. They didn't allow me to testify. I wasn't involved at all in his hearing. He was given deferred adjudication. They then told me he was allowed to come to my house to "get his things". I was all alone. I did not have any friends or family. So I held on to a hammer and watched him load his things and leave. I did not give him his guns. He told me I was crazy and ruined his life, but left not to be seen again. His deferred adjudication was served in 2 years and his RO was lifted.
did you seek legal help?
Legal Center | Women Against Abuse
Quote:
This will not end. And if its not you it will be someone else.
He hacked my online e-diary and started commenting on it. I've changed emails and I've changed phone numbers. I've blocked him on Facebook. But every year, without fail, he reaches out. And-- even though I block him, it still scares me. Brings back all these memories. I feel lost. This haunts me. I still have nightmares about him.
Cyberstalking: Definition, Laws, and How to Stay Safe
Quote:
My boyfriend now doesn't understand. He has come from a physically abusive childhood, but he tells me this is different. He says I "could have gotten away". That I chose to be with my ex. Almost like this is my fault. He says "Just keep changing your email- problem solved". But, does it really? The fear I feel every time I get a message from me is damaging enough.
Frankly your current BF is being an insensitive jerk and needs some education.
Stalking | womenshealth.gov
Quote:
STALKING
Stalking is a crime. Stalking is a knowing repeated, purposeful course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person mental injury or emotional distress, the threat of bodily injury, bodily injury, or death to him or herself or a member of her/his immediate family. It happens when someone repeatedly approaches, pursues or follows, threatens, harasses, trespasses on someone’s property, vandalizes, conducts surveillance, shows a weapon, restrains, or commits bodily injury against the victim. A stalker does these things to make the victims afraid – afraid that he or she will hurt, rape, kidnap or kill them or someone they love.

A stalker might follow the victim when she/he drives to work. He or she might wait for the victim outside of her/his home or office. A stalker might call the victim on the phone and make threats or hang up when the victim answers. Some stalkers slash tires, vandalize homes and threaten their victims with weapons. Some stalkers send flowers, gifts and cards.

Can Stalking Be Dangerous?

Yes. While a stalker’s harassment and threats might at first seem just annoying and a little scary, they often lead to serious violence. Someone who stalks is someone who could be dangerous. Stalkers have beaten, raped, and murdered the people they stalked. Take the threats seriously.

Although there is no standard way to assess the seriousness of a case, there are some factors that should be considered:

History of violence exhibited by the stalker.
Presence of physical abuse or domestic violence.
Presence or absence of threats. Verbal or written threats very frequently precede acts of violence.
Obsession with the same or similar victims over a period of time.
Destruction of property.
Access and approach behaviors of the stalker (Letter writing or face to face contact).
Knowing the mental status of the stalker.
Meaning or value the stalker places on the victim.
Knowledge of the relationship between the stalker and the victim.
Who Is Stalked?

80 % of stalking victims are women. Very often, battered women are stalked by their abusers, especially if they try to end the relationship. Most often, stalking involves people who have had a prior relationship. This relationship may have been a former spouse, employer, intimate partner or neighbor. In most cases the stalking began after the relationship had ended or when there was a perception by the stalker that he/she was mistreated. The stalking is an attempt to rectify the problem or seek revenge. Sometimes people stalk strangers or mere acquaintances.

Who Are Stalkers?

Stalkers can be black or white, rich or poor, employed or unemployed. Most stalkers are men, but women stalk, too. The best way to tell whether someone might stalk you is the way he or she acts. If someone you know or are close to shows several of the following dangers signs, consider taking precautions to protect yourself:

Frequent loss of temper
Extreme jealousy and controlling behavior
A belief that destiny led him or her to you, so you belong to the stalker in some way
Few close friendships and an over-dependence on you as a link to the world
Failure to accept responsibility for his or her own behavior, feelings and mistakes
Repeated discussions of death, suicide and weapons
Refusing to accept “no”
Vandalizing or destroying your property
[B]Stalking | womenshealth.gov

You are not alone- you just need the proper help.

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Default Sep 16, 2019 at 05:47 PM
  #3
Hi. Just wanted to say, so sorry your life has been this way. All the things I could think of, Sarahsweets wrote, way better than I could have! All I can say is, I affirm her last statement - you are not alone, you just need proper help. Hopefully one / some / all of those links she gave you will lead you to that.

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Default Oct 21, 2019 at 10:59 AM
  #4
Hi I am so sorry you are going through this! I get it! This feeling of being lost, confused, alone... because even if you try to share with others (even your own therapists), true understanding is lacking... Here's a book that HELPED me TREMENDOUSLY! HEALING FROM HIDDEN ABUSE by Shannon Thomas, LCSW. Based on what you wrote in your post, I think this book will help you too! Not everything in it will apply, but a LOT/MOST will! And above all, this book will help you put one foot in front of the other and start over ever so slowly, but with JOY and new STRENGTH! It will also help you with finding words to describe the abuse and help your own therapist to navigate the horrible maze of PSYCHOLOGICAL abuse. Psychological abuse is different in many ways from other abuse, and is frequently misunderstood, which causes further trauma to survivors. Some of the hallmarks of psychological abuse are: confusion, complete exhaustion and a lack of understanding by others (including therapists) of what the survivor went through despite heroic attempts to extricate themselves. This book addresses all of it, and guides you step by step towards recovery. If you decide to read one book, read this one! I am thinking of you, please know that you are NOT alone! I am on the same journey as you are, and we will make it!
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 06:29 AM
  #5
I’m sorry you went through all this 😔 and I know how it feels when people say well why didn’t you just leave ?? Simple. Like umm no!! It’s not simple bc they always FIND ME. I’ve dealt with that too. Why did it take so long for you to leave ? Bc stalkers never quit. People who haven’t been through it have a harder time of understanding.
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 06:57 AM
  #6
Oh no. I can feel myself becoming furious on your behalf...

So, let's not think about the reaction of the ex-hubby (vile) and current boyfriend (stupid)...

This subject hits me in a sore spot, as I've also endured stalking (in a workplace, and for years). I reported him eventually, but the action taken in no way fitted the crime.

I really think that if people haven't experienced it, they have NO IDEA what it's like.

You're not alone!
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