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TishaBuv
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TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
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Trig Nov 11, 2019 at 10:37 AM
  #1
My new policy is to quickly get away from conflict and struggle.

The same things as always get me triggered, but I’m coping with them better by getting away and shutting my mouth.

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Default Nov 11, 2019 at 12:01 PM
  #2
It depends on what the conflict is, and how well my fight-flight-freeze operates.

At the lower end of conflict, I would either (a) walk away or (b) assert my boundaries, depending on the venue and/or the importance of the person.

In the middle-range of conflict, such as where I will be harmed emotionally, verbally, psychologically, reputation-wise, etc., I would (a) ignore (if it's not that serious and enough people know who I am, know my character, trust me, and stand by my side), (b) report (if necessary and allowed), or (c) fight fire with fire intelligently (nope, I will not give away my tricks, but I will say that strategic moves might be in order).

In the high range of imminent physical and/or sexual threat, I would be at the mercy of my disorder (PTSD, DID), so I may either (a) freeze/dissociate, (b) fight/possibly through dissociation and alter switching, or (c) flee/possibly through dissociation and alter switching. Dissociation/DID is involved in fight/flight/freeze, not just "freeze." Freeze is something I would typically do when under complete shock of the situation and still "me" (the host) at the forefront. Flee is something I would typically do when I have an outing and enough psychological hardiness, self-efficacy, and courage to do so. Fight, on the other hand, has gotten me into trouble, even though I was in self-defense mode; some cunning offenders will find a way to turn you into the bad guy, in which case, your defense is now seen as an offense; thus, I try to stay within the legal limits of fighting IFF (if and only if) I have witnesses and enough social capital to do so. Typically, offenders isolate you, corner you, clock/time you in order to prevent this from happening; thus, you have to be smarter than they are, prepared to move quickly, and a little paranoid/pessimistic/anxious in order to be alert enough to fight back and then escape, that is, if you don't freeze. Using self-defense tactics or "weapons of opportunity" help when you're in a legally defensive position, but it works best if you have a witness. Without a witness, the mentally ill person will be shredded on the stand or by local law enforcement taking the statement, so it is harder for anyone with a mental illness and otherwise to prove themselves as truly and legally defensive when fighting back. This is what keeps us silent, especially women, whose gender roles are treated more punitively in both a court of law and by law enforcement; women who fight back or show any aggression will receive harsher punishments - often punishments they don't deserve in the first place - than men who defend themselves; sometimes legal defenses are not seen as "legal." Unfortunately, this happens when there's domestic violence conflict.

So, it depends. If you have a choice between fight/flight/freeze, choose the best one that legally works. If you have PTSD, however, it's not always a choice, and the treatments to reduce hypervigilance may endanger those who lack the awareness required for dangerous living or working situations. In combat situations, you have to remain vigilant and at the ready to fight; retreating is only an option when it is a strategic move prior to engaging in the fight, or a direct order; freezing is not allowed unless you are at risk of being captured as POW or endangering your unit - some of many examples. In violent neighborhoods, the same applies, unfortunately. In domestic violence situations, it's complex and chaotic; fighting becomes less of an option. In general life situations, you do what you can to think quickly and strategically, but mental illness can get in the way.
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Default Nov 11, 2019 at 12:08 PM
  #3
@TishaBuv

Good for you!! That's Awesome! That is valuable self-awareness, isn't it?

@Lilly2

Girl, you are like an encyclopedia, and I mean that in a kind, loving way!

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Default Nov 11, 2019 at 12:23 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyCrafter View Post
@TishaBuv

Good for you!! That's Awesome! That is valuable self-awareness, isn't it?

@Lilly2

Girl, you are like an encyclopedia, and I mean that in a kind, loving way!
Awe, shucks. **blusing** Thank you @HappyCrafter

I thank my education, my living in various ghettos growing up, my military experience, and my police experience/training for all that. I was also a victim to two domestic violence situations, one I escaped barely alive, the other I made irrepairable mistakes when trying to defend myself. For 20 years, or more, I've been free from domestic violence victimization, but it took a lot of my rational skills and training to get out from under. Sometimes victimization leads to future victimizations, and I figured out a way to beat some (not all) victimizations. Predators can see some flaw - most notably from the mental illnesses we have or any other potential "targets," so I try to reduce that all the while knowing that it should be their responsibility to reduce their behaviors, not me for simply defending myself or reacting to the trauma they inflicted on me.

Then, of course, there are conflicts where both parties have contributed; in such cases, restorative justice, compromises, good communication, and a reestablishing of boundaries are necessary, lest both parties agree to walk away from one another. This often happens in relationship conflicts, including friendships, professional relationships, and romantic relationships.

Then again, there are situations where we create conflicts, and in such cases, we have to figure out how to change our own behaviors, how to communicate our needs properly, how to walk away from those whom we simply don't like or agree with, and how to self-care enough to understand where our mistakes were, where our shortcomings lie, and where our boundaries for our own selves lack. It's not easy being in any position where conflict arises. It's hard, in some (not all) cases, for both offender and victim.

**Note: I understand some people don't like certain words like offender and victim, but for lack of alternative words, and based on my training, this is the best way I can communicate at this point without overly taxing myself on finding alternative words and phrases in the dictionary or thesaurus. In such ways, I lack the "encyclopedia" of knowledge, but I still try. Hee hee. PS: I've been in multiple roles above, so I'm not innocent. I've had to work on my own issues in some areas where I contributed to the conflict.

Sorry, I'm being verbose today. :P
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Default Nov 11, 2019 at 01:19 PM
  #5
I’ve had a pattern of fighting to be loved. I’ve been literally abandoned and emotionally abandoned. I’ve stopped the fighting now. Although the feeling triggers me to get angry, frustrated, emotionally explosive, I can recover quickly from the crying and depression.

I got myself out of the house and enjoyed a gyro. That’s an improvement over the hysterical crying and debilitating depression from before.

I can recognize people who will not meet my need to feel loved regardless of their saying they love me— they don’t. And I’m not being overly dramatic, I’ve been through the wringer from these people!

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Default Nov 11, 2019 at 01:29 PM
  #6
(((safe hugs))) @TishaBuv

Glad you got that gyro though.

So sorry you went through all that. I hope you feel better and enjoy your day today.
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Default Nov 12, 2019 at 01:32 PM
  #7
My biggest trigger is an intimacy/control issue. It’s been happening for too long to think it will ever stop. It really takes me down the well.

The callous abandonment I experienced from the other loved ones, were very anxiety producing, but didn’t take me down like the intimacy does.

I did escape how seriously down I used to fall, and the duration it lasted. That’s a lot better now. But I’ve had several bad days. I get deep depression.

This time I was in a bad mood, but fairly quiet about that, and eating the wrong foods.

Hopefully, I can improve the foods for a start in a better direction.

This dynamic will never stop though. I am rigid in what I need and I will never get it. I don’t know why I can’t get that through my head and stop wanting what I won’t get.

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