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Lbatti
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Member Since: Nov 2019
Location: Howell
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Trig Nov 27, 2019 at 04:40 PM
  #1
Hi everybody!

This is my first post with Psych Central Forum, so this may be a bit long. I came here for peer support and to connect with other users who may be struggling with the same disorders that I am. While I do appreciate it, I’m not necessarily looking for emotional solace, or therapy. I’m actually undergoing through therapy right now and I would like maintain boundaries by keeping it in a professional setting.

But I what I am searching for is healthy and helpful advice/ ideas from other’s who have been, or are currently in my shoes. I’m struggling with PTSD-related to Military Sexual Trauma, Anxiety, and Major Depressive disorder, and all of these things have had an impact on my life in the last year and a half, both the positive and negative. Something terrible happened to me that I didn’t quite ask for, but it’s given me more texture. I’m learning that I’m unique.

I’ve over come so much, like changing my perception of the world and adapting a more positive, factual mindset. I’ve been kicked out of PTSD treatment and faced multiple hospitalizations due to reckless behavior, but I pick myself up each time. I’ve improved greatly, but I’m still struggling with some minor things though, which I believe I can do outside of therapy. So I’m here to find for ways to help me keep progressing towards finding my new self and finding out where I want to be in life.

Before the trauma that I survived in March 2018, I would’ve considered myself to be energetic, motivated, sociable, adventurous, and outgoing, but also a little sensitive and dramatic. I was achieving all of my goals in the US Navy and in college, and I was happy in a three year relationship with a man that I loved. Unfortunately, I never reported these events to authorities until a few months ago, and it took me three months to seek out medical and mental health support while I was deployed overseas for ten months. I felt like a plain white board where my self understanding was wiped away, and I didn’t know who I was.

I didn’t understand my own personality, or what I wanted.

Coming home in January 2019, my social skills felt like they completely went down the drain. I had no interest in talking to anyone, didn’t want to do anything, lacked trust towards everybody, completely had a negative mindset, was angry, and I felt like a robot with no emotions. I was so wrapped up in the trauma and trying to get help, that it’s all I wanted to talk and think about. I was angry at the world. I was saw as ‘toxic’ by those who don’t understand, and I’m still trying to learn how to repair those relationships.

Recently, I’ve come to realize that I’m not PTSD or ‘rape’ but rather, I’m a human being who survived something terrible. I’m learning to take control of my own life, and I want to change it, but I’m struggling to find out how. I struggle with socializing and making new friends because I recognize that I don’t feel like my ‘old self”. I’m unsure of who I am, what to say, or how to approach others.

While I’ve been working hard to continue maintaining a positive mindset, taking interest in other people, and trying to feel close to others by being vulnerable with them, I’m so nervous about rejection. I will shut down immediately and become ashamed, embarrassed, and resentful if I feel that someone doesn’t like me, or what I said. I will jump from 1-10 in an instant, becoming bitter and even snapping at people if they look at a message and don’t respond. After that, I may blow their phone up and tell them how I feel, or I will still keep my hopes up that they will reach out to me. I’ll try meeting someone new, but this process repeats, so I’m trying to identify where I can improve in terms of boundaries.

This also leads to me always being on my toes around someone when I first meet them, and I become reserved even though that’s not how I want to be. The relationship is cut short when all I want to do is ‘connect’ and feel harmony. I want to feel close, accepted, even maybe loved? Not just romantic, but as a person, I want to feel belonging and joy, not lonely. I feel that people may be scared by my desire to want to feel close and mistake it for being “clingy.”

It’s hard to admit this, but I think some of this may be caused by me opening about my trauma too early (not maintaining boundaries), or possibly they don’t know how to deal with my constant nervousness. I think I also struggle with social cues, and how to set appropriate expectations in relationships.

My question is, what steps do you think I can start taking to improve my relationships with friends l/ loved ones? I’d love to hear about your personal experiences too, and how certain techniques have helped you. I want as much information as I can get.

Thank you🙂

Last edited by bluekoi; Nov 27, 2019 at 07:59 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Anonymous32451
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Default Nov 28, 2019 at 06:38 AM
  #2
I would be interested in some methods, too.

one of my traumas involves authority figures, and it's difficult for me meeting someone because when I meet them, it's.. do you work for such and such a service, putting me on edge, and them on edge because they litirally have no idea why I might think that.

I also have had a lot of abuse by family members, so one of the things I am constantly asking people is " are you going to abuse me?"

it is tough meeting new people
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Kathleen83
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Default Dec 03, 2019 at 07:45 PM
  #3
Greetings, Lbatti, and welcome. Sounds like you've been doing a ton of work thru therapy...and your reasons for coming here are exactly why I come, also. My therapy is my therapy, but here is my hang out, if that makes sense. Since you asked, a brief history on me - 1st psych hospitalization at age 17 (now 54) - so years of living with the struggle. Suicide attempts, lots and lots of different meds, different therapists and types of therapy. Can't say that what helps me will help you - all of our journeys are different, it seems.


However, what has helped me over the years: realizing that I, like you, am NOT "PTSD". Accepting that how I am, is because of things I've experienced. Things others have done TO me. Yes, those experiences shaped me. Trained me. Are part of what makes me, me. But it is NOT me. Accepting that I don't have to be any way I don't like to be. I don't have to be violent, depressed, suicidal. But when I am, I have to find, learn, and use tools to help me not be that way.


Techniques? Ah heck, that could be an all nighter discussion. Meds help me a LOT, because part of my being me is, body chemistry out of whack. Of course, finding the right med(s) was a very long road that took years. Most didn't help, some made things worse, finally one helped. EMDR therapy for PTSD. DBT therapy for BPD. Talking to others, like here, to not feel so alone. Learning to set boundaries. Learning to reach out for help / therapy when I felt I needed it. Most of those years I talked about, I wasn't in therapy. So that's part of it too - accepting that I don't have to always be in therapy; it's just another tool to use when I need it.

My thoughts on how you can improve relationships? Well again, I can only say what I do. Some relationships I determine just simply aren't worth the effort. Some people just don't belong in my life. For the relationships I do want to improve, I start by being open and honest about my own shortcomings and struggles...and that gets tricky. I won't always share all the details of everything with every one...but....if I know I have issues that are causing problems with a relationship, I find it helpful to let the other person know that *I* know, it's because *I* have issues. And I let them know I'm working on them. And I let them know I value the relationship, and I want it to continue, and improve.


Starting a new relationship is, as you both know (you too, raging vortex), hard. Trust issues? Oh heck yeah. So one thing I've also had to do is accept that sometimes, despite a longing I might have to start up new friendships, etc - sometimes I'm just not in the right place mentally / emotionally to do so. I've learned to give myself permission to put myself 1st, during those times. I tell myself, ok, not the right time, right now, but that can and will change.


Hope some of this makes sense. I don't pop in here on a regular basis, so don't expect instant responses from me....but will be happy to chat / message when I am here.

__________________
Diagnosed:
Prolonged PTSD (civilian)
BPD
Major Depressive Disorder Moderate
Manic-Depressive Psychosis


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