Not being aware

I was told by the family of origin that I should be grateful to them. I cannot honestly say that I was treated by them with respect, kindness, generosity, empathy or sweetness. I was the ''bad'' person who deserved to be rejected. That is the repeated message I received from them. That I gave them no pleasure so did not deserve to …. basically that... ah it doesn't even matter

While I try to practice gratitude, I don't feel grateful towards those who projected things and labels like ''selfish'' onto me.

This would apparently make me a ''bad'' person. So my programming by default would once again ''encourage'' me to be silent.

I have not found a therapist who wanted to listen and offer understanding and respect.

Maybe this too means I am ''a bad person'' …

They didn't offer even a basic amount of kindness and respect. That makes me so sad for you, Fuzzy. And they drove you into the arms of therapists who did the same thing...

How you have managed to turn out so well is incredible, and a tribute to your wisdom and good heart.

Much love.

Thank you dear Purple. Much love to you.

(It's been one of my ''post and delete'' days today... not in this section of the forums )

I see. Very sorry if you've been struggling!

Fuzzy, I have always admired your confidence with starting threads. And they're always great.

I only realised recently that I find it quite difficult. I'm OK with responding to others, but find that starting my own threads leaves me drained in a weird way.

It's strange because I do like words...

Big hugs!

I think I understand dear Purple, partly anyway

Big hugs

I suppose starting a thread is a way of saying that what we think does actually matter...

During my not very nice childhood, I was chronically shy. It was more than shyness, of course. I was shutting down, and trying to almost play dead so as not to cause any parental violence.

It was also an expression of disgust at the world I found myself in. I was desperately unhappy and frightened for a lot of the time. This was from birth to until my father died (when I was in my early twenties). That's a lot of years to be terrified!

I won't go into it too much but, basically, there was no way out. My poor mum was too scared to leave him, so we existed in this sort of treading on eggshells kind of mode.

I remember one thing that used to make me feel sick with rage at that time. My brother and I were 'well-behaved' children, and our father used to take the credit for it when his friends mentioned how 'nice' we were.

A couple of times, he boasted about how he kept us in line. I can't quite bring myself to say the words, but yeah, he was giving the friend advice on how he should treat (mistreat) his own kids etc. And right in front of us!

Your situation perhaps was similar, in that terrible parenting also silenced you. I'm so sorry that it did!

Thank you for posting this dear Purple. I'm so sorry that such terrible and disgusting parenting silenced you. (eta) I suck with words right now and so I'll just say I'm thinking of you and wish I could go back in time and grrrr at their cruelty You and what you think and say matters so much my friend. Much love to you

Sending hugs to you dear Fuzzybear and Purple Violet Blue for the difficult childhoods you suffered.

I was labeled a bad child from being days old. I believe the midwife at the hospital did try to stick up for me.... That fell on deaf ears as it was much easier to blame an innocent babe....

No wonder baby TS cried. Of course babies in my family of origin weren't allowed to do that. It is for the best, that I cannot remember the words, abusive tones of voice and other abuse...

Hugs and respect

Hugs to you dear Thirty shades

A 'bad' child. How crazy is that. I'm so deeply sorry, Thirty Shades and baby Thirty Shades.