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Default Feb 02, 2020 at 11:09 PM
  #1
... and I am terrified. I don't know what to expect and I don't know if I'm ready or if I can do it without ending up in the hospital again.

I'm really scared.

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Default Feb 03, 2020 at 07:18 AM
  #2
I totally get being scared. I'm starting later this month and I'm scared. Try to remember to stay grounded and talk to the counselors if/when you get triggered.


If it's a well designed program, they'll manage the pace and degree that anyone gets into their stories to keep it as safe as possible.

But don't be afraid to quit, if it's too much to handle.


The important thing is that you don't hurt yourself in any way.
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Default Feb 03, 2020 at 08:41 AM
  #3
@splitimage I guess that's one of the main things I'm afraid of... Self harming at the clinic. Or after group and having to report it the next day on the check in sheet.

I want to make it through the group without having to quit but they have told me I can switch to a different one if it is too much.

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Default Feb 04, 2020 at 08:01 AM
  #4
I hear you on the fear of self harming. Can you try to not bring any tools to the clinic, and use not having to report it, as motivation for when you're at home. Sometimes having external accountability is really helpful.

Let us know how it goes.

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"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.

"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba

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Default Feb 04, 2020 at 08:09 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by splitimage View Post
I hear you on the fear of self harming. Can you try to not bring any tools to the clinic, and use not having to report it, as motivation for when you're at home. Sometimes having external accountability is really helpful.

Let us know how it goes.

splitimage
That's basically exactly what I'm doing. And I told her all the methods I use. She asked if it's okay if she checks in with me on the self injury and I said yes, so she knows and is gonna be proactive. So even if I try to hide it, she may ask and I won't lie.

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Default Feb 05, 2020 at 09:17 AM
  #6
That's really great and brave that you were able to tell someone about you SH. And I'm glad you're ok with being asked about it. Sometimes external accountability can be really helpful
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"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn.

"If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba

Starting trauma IOP tomorrow
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Default Feb 05, 2020 at 04:41 PM
  #7
What is "trauma IOP?"

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Default Feb 05, 2020 at 05:27 PM
  #8
It's an intensive outpatient program that focuses on trauma so it's for people with trauma disorders like PTSD or who have experienced something traumatic in their life.

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Default Feb 21, 2020 at 08:56 PM
  #9
There's been a lot of dissociating and a lot of trying to stay present and a lot of crying and a lot of trying to not cry. A little all over the place...

The T is really good at knowing the right things to say but that means it can hit a nerve pretty quick too.

I spent the last hour of group alone with her today because there were only two of us and her today and the other lady had to leave early. I was crying for most of that hour, she just kept saying things that I want to believe but don't quite feel real yet. Like none of it is my fault, and I don't deserve the punishment I put on myself, and I do deserve to hear "I love you" daily, even if I'm the one saying it to myself.

It doesn't feel like the truth... I think that's why it makes me cry. I want it to be true... It's just so hard to believe right now. That dissonance between what I want to believe and what I feel/believe already makes the statements hard to hear. Almost painful... That may be why I start crying or dissociating.

Even with all of that, though, those are exactly the things I need to hear in these moments. She isn't saying anything wrong, at all. It's just gonna take time to sink in.

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Default Feb 25, 2020 at 04:51 PM
  #10
I hope the program will be helpful to you. Sorry to hear there have been some rough patches. How are you doing now?
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Default Feb 25, 2020 at 06:20 PM
  #11
It's still about the same... Sitting in my car at the college, trying to not cry, cuz I don't want puffy eyes when I go to class. I don't even know what set it off this time. I just started tearing up.

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