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aj32
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Trig Apr 07, 2020 at 12:50 PM
  #1
I don't know what happened.

This horrible thing happened to me when I was 14. I'm 32 now. That thing has killed me inside every second of every day. It's caused anxiety, depression, drug abuse, criminal activity, and endless lies to keep it hidden, usually lies help me hide its reality. Like, this thing...if it pops up and I get mad and break something, I lie about why I broke it.

I've been in therapy forever and this thing has NEVER come up. I've never, ever talked about it to ANYONE. I avoid it, ignore it, anything. Never told God about it, never journaled about it...….it has NEVER been slightly expressed AT ALL.

A day or so ago, though, I had been awake for 26 hours, snorting insane amounts of cocaine, and aha! bright idea...i'm alright. my dude is alright. I'll talk about the "thing" with him. And I did....kind of...even in my whacked out state out of mind, I told him about it......too much of it. way too much. We didn't have any more drugs and he went to sleep....

I started losing my mind. I was okay. Watching TV. Telling myself to go to sleep. Then I thought, getting a little fresh air would help me relax. I went on the back porch. Dog starts talking to me. I knew he wasn't, but I just kept hearing him and having a conversation with him. I heard myself talking to him, and said I'm crazy, but I just kept talking. Kinda suicidal but afraid to attempt it and fail. Dogs can sense that stuff. Demand the dog tell me if I'm going to kill myself. He won't answer. I go in the house, the whole walk to the bedroom, I'm having a discussion with the cat (I don't remember at all what that was about) wake up my boyfriend. Demand that he go have a talk with the dog and tell him to answer my question. He laughed. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I'm can't relax or stop crying unless he goes and talks to the dog. He realizes I'm not joking. Starts telling me to sleep. I feel like I'm free falling and going mad and I hate it but I'm scared to come back. Literally feels like if I sleep, the house will crumble down on me.

The Internet sucks. I can't find out anything. I'm pretty sure I experienced a reactive psychotic break.....even though it only lasted a few hours. I know psychosis can be triggered by drugs, sleep deprivation....but I've done that before and it never affected me like that. Was it a deadly combination?

That trauma thing.....could it have been the absolute WORST time to try to deal with it...….?? And what do I do now? I'm so scared.

Last edited by bluekoi; Apr 07, 2020 at 07:17 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon.
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MrsA
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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 03:37 AM
  #2
Hey. Are you safe right now? I'm not sure who you mean by your "dude". Was it a roommate or friend that you told?

Without knowing about what experience you don't want to talk about, could I make a few suggestions? I think I have PTSD but not at all as bad as you have it. When I am bothered by memories that I can't tell people, I sometimes write them down and then either burn the paper, bury it in the yard, and once I flushed it down the toilet. I find that helps slightly with the secrets that drive me mad.

And if yountrustnyour therapist, can you talk to him about having this secret without telling him what happened, but maybe ask him dor help dealing with something you don't want to talk about. I don't know if I got this all wrong, because I am a bit out of my depth. But try to be careful with thew drugs and ease off them a bit because they may be making you feel worse. I really hope you will get some help from a professional if you possible.
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aj32
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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 11:31 AM
  #3
He is my boyfriend.

Thank you for the suggestion of writing it down and destroying the paper. I must be really bad messed up, because as profoundly wise as that is, I can't do it. The thing inside me isn't "too horrible" to let out....I'm not a murderer or rapist or anything. It's too painful. And it's way, way beyond my emotional ability to cope...…..I cannot bring myself to let it outside in any way, even in reasonably safe ways....like writing it, destroying it, anonymously sharing it online......I cannot tell anyone in my life.....not a friend, not my mom, no one. I've tried to tell my dog, but I just, can't. I can't tell a therapist or a doctor. This thing...it's WAY too painful. I spent a year or so as a very devout Christian and I could never even bring myself to tell God. I've kept a journal for years and never a single written word about it. I know it's killing me, endlessly torturing me, and ruining my life...….but......I just cannot talk about it. It hurts that freaking bad.

I've run circles around it a million times, but never...….

Geez...….I can't even say it out loud when I'm alone.....I know if I was the last human on the planet, I still couldn't say it or write it.

What is happening to me?

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel really stupid. And pathetic. And I'm starting to feel angry about it.
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Default Apr 09, 2020 at 11:47 PM
  #4
Thanks for posting again. I was quite worried abot you. I'm glad you have a boyfriend and I hope it's a good relationship.

I understand if you don't want to acknowledge the thing even in secret. Maybe one day you will be able to. I have many secrets that I would never tell anyone. I just explain to myself that the idea that you have to talk or share your experiences is just another animal instinct or passing social convention and is not really required. Maybe when you are a bit older you will understand something you don't see yet about your experience or find a way to give yourself some distance from it.

One thing a friend suggested to me was to use a code word for something bad so you can sort of address it without mentioning the thing. I don't know if my suggestions can apply you our situation, but I hope you will find a way to be ok. You don't ever have to tell anyone. But maybe when you think about it, you might try to make it into a sort of story in which you try to understand how and why it happened and other questions you might have about the incident. Whatever it was, I'm sure it's not your fault.

I really hope you will be ok.
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Default Jun 09, 2020 at 03:54 AM
  #5
I hope you are okay?

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