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Elder
puzzclar
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Member Since: Jan 2010
Location: Where? US
Posts: 5,621
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#1
I am trying to remember what caused the trauma. And I can't or won't remember. What was it? It's 3am and I am trying to figure it out. Moving was stressful and to move at age 7, was hard. I am questioning if I understood why moving was needed. Did I understand? I don't know!! Then I was bullied, but never said a word to my parents. But was there a trauma that happened before the move? Am I seeking to blame others for how I feel today? Why was moving so traumatic?
So many questions and so few answers. But I don't think I am the only one, or am I? |
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Fuzzybear, Gasplessy
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Wise Elder
winter4me
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Member Since: Dec 2012
Location: new england
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#2
No, guess no one is the only one.
When I was diagnosed with PTSD I blew it off, then another psychiatrist gave me the same diagnosis and .... You may have already read information on c-ptsd and this may be why you don't recall "the trauma"---it may be an accumulation of insults over a long period of time and may begin before you can talk or understand what is going on. I also found, over time, that I normalized events that were obviously traumatic---and wondered why others took them so seriously. The emotions came long before the ability to identify any "traumas". __________________ "...don't say Home / the bones of that word mend slowly...' marie harris |
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Faithwork
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Member Since: Apr 2020
Location: Swanville maine
Posts: 2
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#3
Im struggling with the same . I am soul searching . but I have a fear of edges .when I look over and there is a long drop down I get horrible feeling frim my head to my toes . and I have always thought and said " I dont know where that came from I dont remember falling anytime . But I do remember one brief memory of falling into a septic at my Godmothers house and all I remember is sitting in my moms truck looking down at the shirt I had on and covered in feces . Now a part of me wants , needs to know what happened ? How far did I fall ? How long was I down there ? And most importantly how was I treated ? I was probably 8 or 9 .I dont remember .But I know it was Traumatic I still feel it in my body ..If I could recall everything traumatic that happened to me I could heal . Im not afraid of feelings now It happened and I survived !!! But for the Grace of God . sincerely .
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SnappingRope
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Member Since: May 2020
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 46
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#4
Same here. I've been arguing with my psychiatrist for ages over his diagnosis of PTSD. He's explained about explicit memory problems, but I find it really hard to believe in a trauma I can't recall. I've tried searching for drugs that get rid of all inhibitions so I can remember the alleged trauma/s, but I'm yet to find anything. Far as I can tell anticholinergics like scopolamine might fit the bill, but I haven't found anything to confirm it. Plus I'd have to tape a recording device to myself and hope I didn't take it off while under.
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guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#5
Same here. I have vague feelings and short flashes of memories of being molested at 3 or 4 years old. I wonder what could possibly have happened to a child that young? I have the same thoughts of wondering if I am just being dramatic, that nothing that bad happened or I am making it up. Then I had a EMDR session where I flashed a really short graphic memory. But I still feel like I am cheapening other peoples' stories of being repeatedly abused at older ages and having to remember all of it.
Or can your mind completely block a memory with no way of ever retrieving it? Will I just be stuck with the feelings and no concrete memories? |
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SnappingRope
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Member Since: May 2020
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 46
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#6
Yeah, you can have memories that are totally beyond recollection. Think of it this way:
For a memory to be intentionally recalled the part of the brain responsible for intentional recall has to be 'wired' to the memory. When you're very young this region isn't sufficiently developed, so you can't intentionally recall things from when you're a baby (most people that is). It can happen with severe fear responses too: there's a neural pathway proceeding from the amygdala through the hypothalamus and into the prefrontal cortex. When you have a powerful fear response the hypothalamus inhibits the signal to the prefrontal cortex, so no information reaches that area and it gets 'left out of the loop' so to speak. I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure the prefrontal cortex plays a role in intentional memory (explicit memory), so if it's not in the loop when the memory gets laid down it won't be 'wired' such that it can recall it. In both cases the best (or worst) you can hope for is that the memories 'piggy back' in via subconscious association. But your mind doesn't want to experience the pain; the best way to avoid it is to avoid what caused it, so your brain retroactively associates the pain with those thoughts that preceded it. This allows trauma-sprawl throughout your neural networks and leads to general memory loss over time because the associative web capable of triggering the trauma is always growing and annexing otherwise harmless associations. |
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guy1111
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guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#7
Quote:
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Elder
puzzclar
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Member Since: Jan 2010
Location: Where? US
Posts: 5,621
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#8
I am hoping that I can recall something.
I am working on a trauma class and it's day 2. I have learned that trauma changes the chemistry and function of the brain. And that change can be reversed!!!! This gives hope. Then today, I had a change in schedule that is causing some issues. I am wondering what path I can take. It seems like many paths are closing. |
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guy1111
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Member
guy1111
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: US
Posts: 422
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#9
Don't give up! You must fight for your peace of mind. It doesn't come easy. Most people don't even start to try. You are doing a good job. It may take years. I have been actively working on my mental peace for over 4 years. It gets better every day. Some days are harder than others.
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Wisest Elder Ever
Fuzzybear
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Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,301
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#10
You're not the only one...
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guy1111
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