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Shakespeare3699
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Default May 16, 2020 at 03:22 AM
  #1
I'm under an immense amount of stress right now. I'm preparing to move 1000 miles south to another state all on my own in just two weeks, I'm lining up job interviews and calling psychiatrists and therapists trying to get new patient appointments lined up soon after I move that way I am not without a support system. But this move could not be at a worse time mentally for me.

I've only just started to deal with my past traumas in therapy with a therapist I trust and I am having to leave behind. My sexual abuse at 12 and rape at 14 are both things I've pushed down for many many years because I was accused of lying and creating false accusations by my "therapist" while in a WWASP residential program when I was 15. This same therapist then told my parents his thoughts that I was lying and they listened to him. I was then forced to take back my statements I had given to the police. When I finally was released from the program after being there a year I had to pretend everything was fine for the years to come in fear that if I told anyone and my parents found out they would send me back to that program.

I didn't really receive any therapy or consoling when I left that program, and I have to say I was pretty brainwashed by the cult like practices at the WWASP program, I'll write another post on that later when I have the energy. Honestly I just forced myself not to think about what had happened and just pushed my emotions down. That worked for a time till I was about 20 and things started to come out sideways after I had an adverse sexual encounter that I only recently have begun to recognize as a rape. After that experience I started getting nightmares almost every night about the things that happened when I was 12 and 14 but also about the WWASP program. Things started to slip at my job and I started to have major anxiety problems and flashbacks during the day and not just at night. My psychosis issues that I also used to deal with as a teenager also came back up so I saught help from a psychiatrist who got me on some medication but it didn't help with the flashbacks. To make a long story short I became so unstable that I got suicidal and ended up being hospitalized and treated for my psychosis and diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and while I was hospitalized I lost my job and I had to move from the east coast to the west coast back home. Once home and on the right medications I was able to stabilize more with my psychosis issues and I started to try and ignore the flashbacks and vivid memories but it was much harder then than it was to do when I was younger.

I finally entered into therapy and when I was 21 I got the courage to start dealing with some of the past traumas with my therapist but it just feels like too much to deal with and we would make a little progress then I would refuse to talk about it for a several sessions and this pattern seemed to repeat because each time I started to talk more about the trauma that happened the flashbacks and nightmares got so much worse. My therapist assured me this was normal but it was still too much. When I was 22(this year) she diagnosed me with PTSD and I've begun to work on things a little more steadily. She said we could be dealing with complex PTSD because of the repeated abuse I went through during WWASP but she wasn't really sure which diagnosis fit better. Honestly I just get really overwhelmed with all the triggers that I'm trying to avoid and having to deal with years of pushed down emotions that I never dealt with. Probably the most damaging thing is my relationship with my parents right now. They still believe what they believed when I was 15, I've never tried to tell them the truth for quite a few reasons. I've never exposed to my parents the kind of institutional abuse I went through with WWASP in fear that they wouldn't believe that either. I'm tired of having to pretend everything is okay around them. I'm tired of having to constantly hold everything together. I feel like I'm about to crack. I'm about to move away from my family again and if I want to expose the truth to them I don't have much time left to do it but I just don't feel ready at all.

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Default May 17, 2020 at 03:26 AM
  #2
I am sorry all these terrible things happened to you.

When I looked up what WWASP is (WWASP Survivors | WWASP History) it says many of the programs have been shut down because of so many survivors of the programs say they endured physical and sexual child abuse as well as various acts of fraud and racketeering. That it is so well known should help your parents see the truth. I hope so. Perhaps you could just tell them that you where abused and still suffering from it but don't go into the specifics since it is so triggering? I don't think you should have to pretend anymore.

Good luck with your move.
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Default Jun 09, 2020 at 03:32 AM
  #3
I'm sorry you have all these terrible things going on. I send support and positive vibes.

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