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Trig Jul 23, 2020 at 11:20 PM
  #1
The real problem of childhood sex abuse is small bit of the act itself but the secrecy and figuring out if and when and how to tell an adult about it, if you’ve experienced it the way I have. After the abuse, the child had to choose to stay quiet about it. No reason to ruin a perfectly caring and close knit family( extended relatives included). The child, in order to stand by her decision to not tell, convinces herself that she will complicates the family’s harmony and peace, or no one will believe or do something about it(might as well not tell), projects the negative response he/ she will get. The child, in turn carries this thinking into the adult life. Fearing by conjuring up scenarios of rejection, the victim’s adult life becomes passive and full of fears when facing Inevitable difficulties in life.

I was molested by my cousin when I was 7. I can tell you, this is the absolute worst kind of abuse. The abuse didn’t incur any physical evidence; it was quiet so no one comes across and finds out. It wasn’t obvious that the cousin was an abuser. The burden solely rests on the victim to either tell or keep it quiet. Such an awkward conversation with little ease of describing it is the MOST painful and debilitating of all about molestation by a family member. I wish I can find a support group for adults who had gone through this.

Last edited by Guiness187055; Jul 25, 2020 at 04:08 PM..
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Default Jul 24, 2020 at 03:25 PM
  #2
You are definitely describing the wound after the wound of secrecy following abuse. It can be excruciating.


The main paralyzing emotion for me around this is Shame. Shame leads to hiding. Pushing through shame in order to tell trusted and safe others is hard work. But only then have I experienced the antidote to shame--loving acceptance. People who say "it was never your fault, and it's the perpetrator who bears the guilt and blame and true shame."

I've needed to use imagery and physical exercise and spiritual disciplines to really peel the shame and secrecy off myself and put it back where it belongs. And I do so repeatedly even after therapy because the little girl I was needs regular reminding that she is an empowered woman now!
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Default Jul 24, 2020 at 03:55 PM
  #3
I only told my father. It was my mother's brother who did it. My mother was mad at me for a long time, but they kept her brother away from me after that. I never have told anyone else. I don't feel shame. I was 6 - how was I supposed to know that you don't let adults touch your wiener?

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Default Jul 25, 2020 at 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by AceRimmer View Post
I only told my father. It was my mother's brother who did it. My mother was mad at me for a long time, but they kept her brother away from me after that. I never have told anyone else. I don't feel shame. I was 6 - how was I supposed to know that you don't let adults touch your wiener?
This is so right! I recall part of the guilt is definitely accusations of "why did you let him do it? Why did you not stop him?" from myself. Thanks for pointing that out!
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Default Jul 25, 2020 at 03:51 PM
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Originally Posted by kateyesofgreen View Post
You are definitely describing the wound after the wound of secrecy following abuse. It can be excruciating.


The main paralyzing emotion for me around this is Shame. Shame leads to hiding. Pushing through shame in order to tell trusted and safe others is hard work. But only then have I experienced the antidote to shame--loving acceptance. People who say "it was never your fault, and it's the perpetrator who bears the guilt and blame and true shame."

I've needed to use imagery and physical exercise and spiritual disciplines to really peel the shame and secrecy off myself and put it back where it belongs. And I do so repeatedly even after therapy because the little girl I was needs regular reminding that she is an empowered woman now!
Thanks for the post! That helped me identify where the problem comes from, that is shame. I feel the healing and empowerment by the truth you pointed out.
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Default Jul 25, 2020 at 04:15 PM
  #6
I also want to say the importance of community and strength in numbers when we're going through a tough time!
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Default Jul 25, 2020 at 04:43 PM
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My step-father sexually abused me between the ages of 9 and 17. When I was 15 I tried to tell my mother. She entirely denied it; her words were, "You have misunderstood him, he doesn't know any other way to show that he loves you. It's his culture."

WTF.

So I never said another word, the step-father's abuse continued, I was raped by a guy when I was 15 and beaten with a motorcycle boot by another a year after that, a boyfriend, for refusing to have sex with him.

I never mentioned any of this to anyone, ever again, until I got into therapy.

When my mother was very old she suddenly said that if she had known what my step-father "was doing" she would have "killed him."

I told her not to worry about it. Of course she had known, but she had her weird relationship with him and she sacrificed me for it. But I still took good care of her when she was ill and aging. At least I can be proud that I chose to be forgiving enough to do so.

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Lightbulb Jul 25, 2020 at 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
My step-father sexually abused me between the ages of 9 and 17. When I was 15 I tried to tell my mother. She entirely denied it; her words were, "You have misunderstood him, he doesn't know any other way to show that he loves you. It's his culture."

WTF.

So I never said another word, the step-father's abuse continued, I was raped by a guy when I was 15 and beaten with a motorcycle boot by another a year after that, a boyfriend, for refusing to have sex with him.

I never mentioned any of this to anyone, ever again, until I got into therapy.

When my mother was very old she suddenly said that if she had known what my step-father "was doing" she would have "killed him."

I told her not to worry about it. Of course she had known, but she had her weird relationship with him and she sacrificed me for it. But I still took good care of her when she was ill and aging. At least I can be proud that I chose to be forgiving enough to do so.
That is truly harrowing BethRags, though I am encouraged to know that you've found a better place to be and made peace with one of the unknowing accomplices of this abuse. It might be on the surface that the perpetrator is the only one blamable for this, but oh do victims know well that this drags the other adults in the family with him. One hangup in words, attitude or action can ruin the relationship while walking on this delicate line.
My relationship with my mother was never the same after she did a weird thing by bringing my cousin to our house to live for 6 months(I will not expound upon the reason on here) after knowing what happened. Salt on the wound is an understatement. Some times people mess up and she is only human -- if only one day I could fully embrace that, my wound can start to heal better again.
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Default Sep 17, 2020 at 06:21 PM
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I'm sending hugs and respect

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Default Sep 18, 2020 at 07:03 AM
  #10
It happened to me, also. I told my mother, and as far as I know, she didn't report it to the police. It changes your life, but I haven't let it stop me from living a joyful life. I like the idea of restorative justice.....restorative justice says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU. I told my mother that if I ever saw the molester I would tell him off. She said, it doesn't matter because he is dead. She was ignorant..

Try to remember that the blame and shame belongs to the criminal, NOT to you. You were innocent. In other words, "is this my stuff"? The answer is NO. Writing a letter can be helpful, and keeping a journal also.
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