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Toughcooki
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Default Jul 26, 2020 at 06:32 AM
  #1
So I am really good at pretending to myself that everything's fine, without even knowing it. My whole life, when something bad happens, I immediately forget it. I have entire years totally missing from my memory. Childhood is like a lace doily more holes than cloth, lol. As an adult, I was in a very abusive marriage, during which I was in denial about everything that was happening, unless it was actively happening. But as soon as it was over, my mind told me everything was fine, we never had any problems, everything is great.
Then I got pregnant, and being pregnant somehow kept me from forgetting. I was horrified, and left him. He wasn't happy about that & stalked and terrorized me throughout my pregnancy. A police officer I knew got a few friends together and beat the crap out of him right before the baby was due, and he left town.
He then went on to terrorize me and threaten me for freaking EVER and is still a problem all these years later. He finds me, threatens me, I flee. And then I forget that anything is a problem and just go on about my life happily. I look back in my life and it's like I only have really noticable PTSD symptoms when I remember what's happened. My functioning has decreased over the past 30 years (yes, that a-hole has been doing this for 30 years) and I've slowly gotten more introverted, etc but for the most part, if I'm in 'what? Everything's fine!' mode, I don't have nightmares, I am not hyper-aware, I don't jump if there's a loud noise, I can keep a job (until I feel like I have to move so he won't find me) and have no problems with hygeine etc.
BUT when I remember, I'm a freaking mess.
Last time he threatened me, about 2 years ago, and I was so terrified I was living in a hotel for 6 months, I realized that I couldn't do this forever, and went looking for mental health assistance. Was diagnosed with PTSD & MDD. Went on a long journey of trying anti-depressant after anti-depressant. No help but lots of side effects. Have tried multiple different kinds of therapy. insurance keeps sending me to different therapists so haven't developed any long-term relationship with a therapist. But for 2 years I have forced myself to keep remembering, and it's literally a daily battle. And I'm exhausted. I don't feel like I'm getting any better, and I long for the days of being able to just set it aside and be able to experience happiness in my daily life without this big stinky cloud over my head.
When I reached out for help, I was under the impression that it was going to actually HELP. But all I get is "well let's try this" and annoyed therapists because I can't freaking REMEMBER, and annoyed therapists because I can't agree that the world isn't really a dangerous place just because of my experience. Bull crap. The world IS a dangerous place. And it's not a safe place just because some people haven't been exposed to evil people, either.
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Default Jul 26, 2020 at 06:43 AM
  #2
You have every reason to be traumatized from this experience. I read your other thread, and now you are getting it both ways from your child, too.

I’ve tried EMDR therapy. It’s supposed to be good for trauma. I didn’t have anything good come from the little bit I tried, though. But at least you may keep trying and it may help you. Some people say it helped PTSD.

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Toughcooki
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Default Jul 26, 2020 at 12:05 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
You have every reason to be traumatized from this experience. I read your other thread, and now you are getting it both ways from your child, too.

I’ve tried EMDR therapy. It’s supposed to be good for trauma. I didn’t have anything good come from the little bit I tried, though. But at least you may keep trying and it may help you. Some people say it helped PTSD.
Worst bit is my eldest child is also his child... and the last set of threats were actually relayed by my child, who thought it was hilarious. Talk about a heartbreaker.

Thanks for replying, I appreciate it.
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Default Jul 26, 2020 at 01:55 PM
  #4
Do you think your ex influenced your child to turn against you? It sounds like it could be Parental Alienation.

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Toughcooki
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Default Jul 26, 2020 at 04:02 PM
  #5
He definitely helped the process along, but my 'child' is a full adult. He had no contact until adulthood, either.
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