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Default Oct 08, 2020 at 07:35 PM
  #1
Wondering if the drama in my marriage is just part of my imagined warzone. Is everything in my marriage ok, and I just have to keep running in circles to keep the chaos going in my mind? How do I stop the war in my head??
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Default Oct 09, 2020 at 10:30 PM
  #2
I think I might know how you feel! In my experience, I am constantly reacting to things my partner says and does as if they were much darker and more ominous than they are. I'm always reading negative interpretations into things like facial expressions, minor decisions, etc., and then totally overreacting.

I think later about my reactions and realize that they were the reactions of a (seemingly) different person, one who believes the world is way worse and more predatory than it actually is.

The problem, of course, is that my negative reactions are triggered automatically. Warzone is a good word for it. It's like a minefield where you know there are mines, you're just not sure when someone's going to step on one.

I have found that taking advantage of a calm period to sit down and explain the PTSD and its related issues to my partner has helped us navigate the warzone. If we can cut through the "fog of war" so to speak, we can restore lines of clear and frank communication, and help each other to avoid the land mines by placing little danger signs around the ones we know are there. That's how I think about it.

Obviously this isn't a perfect cure for recurring relationship issues resulting from PTSD. Many of the triggers for negative behaviours / distorted thinking etc. are either completely automatic or are so overwhelming they might as well be. But I have learned to trust in the power of honest and clear communication with my partner.

We wouldn't still have a relationship at all if it weren't for that. I don't think we can stop the war in our heads over night, but we can start signing treaties and making plans for peace... make things more and more manageable as we go, one issue at a time.

These days my partner knows there's a war going on, which means she can help me win it. That's another way of thinking about it that I find helpful. The more she knows and truly understands, and importantly, the more sure she is that I'm committed to winning it, the better our chances are in the long run.

I hope that made some sense! I'm sorry that all I can offer is my own personal experience.

I sincerely wish you the best. Feel free to let me know if you want me to be more specific about anything. I tend to get carried away with metaphors.
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Default Oct 10, 2020 at 01:54 AM
  #3
Hey @guy1111 correct me if I have the wrong person but are you the person that had issues with their wife going out to hang with other men? If so then I can see how you might feel traumatized but I do not necessarily think it is all your fault.

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Default Oct 10, 2020 at 08:56 PM
  #4
Hi guy, some things you have shared can understandably be triggering some bad experiences from your past. Have you talked about this with your therapist?
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Default Oct 11, 2020 at 12:09 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Samantics View Post
I think I might know how you feel! In my experience, I am constantly reacting to things my partner says and does as if they were much darker and more ominous than they are. I'm always reading negative interpretations into things like facial expressions, minor decisions, etc., and then totally overreacting.

I think later about my reactions and realize that they were the reactions of a (seemingly) different person, one who believes the world is way worse and more predatory than it actually is.

The problem, of course, is that my negative reactions are triggered automatically. Warzone is a good word for it. It's like a minefield where you know there are mines, you're just not sure when someone's going to step on one.

I have found that taking advantage of a calm period to sit down and explain the PTSD and its related issues to my partner has helped us navigate the warzone. If we can cut through the "fog of war" so to speak, we can restore lines of clear and frank communication, and help each other to avoid the land mines by placing little danger signs around the ones we know are there. That's how I think about it.

Obviously this isn't a perfect cure for recurring relationship issues resulting from PTSD. Many of the triggers for negative behaviours / distorted thinking etc. are either completely automatic or are so overwhelming they might as well be. But I have learned to trust in the power of honest and clear communication with my partner.

We wouldn't still have a relationship at all if it weren't for that. I don't think we can stop the war in our heads over night, but we can start signing treaties and making plans for peace... make things more and more manageable as we go, one issue at a time.

These days my partner knows there's a war going on, which means she can help me win it. That's another way of thinking about it that I find helpful. The more she knows and truly understands, and importantly, the more sure she is that I'm committed to winning it, the better our chances are in the long run.

I hope that made some sense! I'm sorry that all I can offer is my own personal experience.

I sincerely wish you the best. Feel free to let me know if you want me to be more specific about anything. I tend to get carried away with metaphors.
Thank you for your insights! That's how I feel. Ya, I like your solution. And yes, I would like some more explainations. How do you tell the difference between something you are overreacting to versus something you are justifiably upset about?
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Default Oct 11, 2020 at 12:15 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Hey @guy1111 correct me if I have the wrong person but are you the person that had issues with their wife going out to hang with other men? If so then I can see how you might feel traumatized but I do not necessarily think it is all your fault.
Well, sort of. She doesn't specifically invite men out any more. But ya, I had the issues with attention seeking behavior.

I just wonder sometimes if it's just my brain, because I am very hyper-vigilent. I can talk myself off of most ledges, it's just a constant running in my brain of trying to interpret my wife's actions.
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Default Oct 11, 2020 at 11:08 AM
  #7
Glad that made sense.

How do I tell the difference between overreactions and good reactions? I take note of how my partner takes my reactions. If over a period of time she reacts badly to them, i.e. feels more emotionally oppressed or confused by them, I force myself to consider

a) what the situation is that I'm reacting to specifically and in detail, and

b) what does it look like when a "sane" person reacts to similar scenarios? Also, what does my unemotional logical side say about it? Then

c) would it make sense for me to turn that new way of reacting into a habit? If yes, then

d) I tell my partner how I intend to act in future scenarios, but remind her that the growth of the new habit will not be perfect, but as stated in my earlier post, I am committed to winning the battle against distortions born of hyper-vigilance.

That's basically the process, developed in the field and therapist approved!

And just to reinforce something vital: if you can get your wife to collaborate on every step of the process while keeping in mind that it comes down to your own ability to think and form new habits, I have found it very useful.

Best wishes. Hyper vigilance and distorted thinking of any kind really sucks. Luckily our brains are malleable, a trait that works both ways.

EDIT: I should also mention that for some, it seems counterintuitive to form a habit before changing the underlying thinking, but I have actually found that creating a positive habit of action eventually causes you to think more positively (malleable brain and all that).
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Default Oct 12, 2020 at 02:47 AM
  #8
I think we're all vulnerable to this. Even people with a "clean bill of health", so to speak, are going to have awful days and get really stressed and overreact to negative stimuli. I don't want to undermine your questioning in any way, but I think there really isn't an objective answer in terms of whose problems are creating the relationship problem.
From what you have said in other posts, I think it's really clear that the drama isn't imagined, and I'm sorry again if this is blunt, but reading your post reminds me of the way I would question myself when I was being gaslighted.
I don't believe you should ever feel like you are the problem in a relationship. It takes two, and I believe that your nervous system is trying to make you safe in the best way it knows how.
I know about keeping the chaos going, and I bet it is hard for you to get to sleep. Stress separates us from our emotional and physical pain, and it hurts like hell to reconnect with it.
Basically, I think that the warzone is pretty real.
I'm wondering, do you have a picture, or ideas of what a peaceful marriage would involve for the two of you?
I think I remember you saying that you have had good stretches, or something similar?
Do you think you were communicating better at some points, or more just quietly keeping the peace?
I think it's a great point about habit forming. I think that learning to make healthy ultimatums is a great tool also eg. If such and such happens then I will do such and such.
If you are clear about what you personally have to do to make yourself feel safe, then it is up to the other person to either respect that boundary, or knowingly make you feel unsafe.
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Default Oct 12, 2020 at 07:12 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by Samantics View Post
Glad that made sense.

How do I tell the difference between overreactions and good reactions? I take note of how my partner takes my reactions. If over a period of time she reacts badly to them, i.e. feels more emotionally oppressed or confused by them, I force myself to consider

a) what the situation is that I'm reacting to specifically and in detail, and

b) what does it look like when a "sane" person reacts to similar scenarios? Also, what does my unemotional logical side say about it? Then

c) would it make sense for me to turn that new way of reacting into a habit? If yes, then

d) I tell my partner how I intend to act in future scenarios, but remind her that the growth of the new habit will not be perfect, but as stated in my earlier post, I am committed to winning the battle against distortions born of hyper-vigilance.

That's basically the process, developed in the field and therapist approved!

And just to reinforce something vital: if you can get your wife to collaborate on every step of the process while keeping in mind that it comes down to your own ability to think and form new habits, I have found it very useful.

Best wishes. Hyper vigilance and distorted thinking of any kind really sucks. Luckily our brains are malleable, a trait that works both ways.

EDIT: I should also mention that for some, it seems counterintuitive to form a habit before changing the underlying thinking, but I have actually found that creating a positive habit of action eventually causes you to think more positively (malleable brain and all that).
You are very smart and I appreciate hearing your advice. It sounds very overwhelming to me though. I wish I could be that objective. Maybe that's my problem. We are in couples therapy and it is moving so slow that I get frustrated.

In my individual therapy we are doing EMDR for my PTSD and it moves lightyears faster. I get relief every session.

I want the war in my head to stop. I've tried in the past to be methodical about it, but the feelings overwhelm me.

I guess time will tell.
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Default Oct 12, 2020 at 10:08 AM
  #10
I understand the feelings are overwhelming. I feel the same way all the time. My method is certainly not to be thought of as a perfect model to be followed rigorously, just a guideline for healthy reasoning that I try to stick to. Always feel free to take whatever works and leave whatever doesn't!

Personally, I find writing the process down as I work through it to be helpful in achieving my goals. Writing thoughts/ideas/intentions down helps to solidify them in our minds and make them easier to work with, I find.

I should also say that my suggestion assumed good faith between both people in the relationship. My apologies if my lack of understanding led me to suggest something not relevant.

I'm glad to hear that you've found at least one method to get some relief.
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 06:54 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by KBMK View Post
I think we're all vulnerable to this. Even people with a "clean bill of health", so to speak, are going to have awful days and get really stressed and overreact to negative stimuli. I don't want to undermine your questioning in any way, but I think there really isn't an objective answer in terms of whose problems are creating the relationship problem.
From what you have said in other posts, I think it's really clear that the drama isn't imagined, and I'm sorry again if this is blunt, but reading your post reminds me of the way I would question myself when I was being gaslighted.
I don't believe you should ever feel like you are the problem in a relationship. It takes two, and I believe that your nervous system is trying to make you safe in the best way it knows how.
I know about keeping the chaos going, and I bet it is hard for you to get to sleep. Stress separates us from our emotional and physical pain, and it hurts like hell to reconnect with it.
Basically, I think that the warzone is pretty real.
I'm wondering, do you have a picture, or ideas of what a peaceful marriage would involve for the two of you?
I think I remember you saying that you have had good stretches, or something similar?
Do you think you were communicating better at some points, or more just quietly keeping the peace?
I think it's a great point about habit forming. I think that learning to make healthy ultimatums is a great tool also eg. If such and such happens then I will do such and such.
If you are clear about what you personally have to do to make yourself feel safe, then it is up to the other person to either respect that boundary, or knowingly make you feel unsafe.
A good marriage for me would be mutual understanding and support. A balance between individuality and partnership.
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 06:58 AM
  #12
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Originally Posted by Samantics View Post
I understand the feelings are overwhelming. I feel the same way all the time. My method is certainly not to be thought of as a perfect model to be followed rigorously, just a guideline for healthy reasoning that I try to stick to. Always feel free to take whatever works and leave whatever doesn't!

Personally, I find writing the process down as I work through it to be helpful in achieving my goals. Writing thoughts/ideas/intentions down helps to solidify them in our minds and make them easier to work with, I find.

I should also say that my suggestion assumed good faith between both people in the relationship. My apologies if my lack of understanding led me to suggest something not relevant.

I'm glad to hear that you've found at least one method to get some relief.
Thanks, I've tried to write things down, but I still get overwhelmed. It makes my issues feel more real and I am afraid to face them.
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 12:11 PM
  #13
(((((guy111)))), when we love another person and that other person hurts us badly, it's very hard to trust in loving again. As a result a person can get caught in between wanting to love someone and yet at the same time wonder if it's actually "safe" to do so. Being hurt by someone we thought we could love can leave us feeling insecure in ourselves on a very deep level. That's part of the challenge when it comes to talking about it or even writing it down.

We have and experience emotions for a reason, and it can most definitely leave us with a lasting fear. The ugly truth is that sometimes another person isn't really capable of appreciating and respecting another person's love. There are times another person misses things that are deeply important to us, sometimes they are simply not things that are as important to the other person. That can be hard on anyone, especially when they are passionate about something.

It's unfortunate that when ptsd develops, it can contribute to a person's challenge anytime something reminds them of that hurt. Truth is, there are life experiences that can hurt deeply and given that we are designed to record these hurts, we can become extra sensitive even when it's not wanted.
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 10:59 PM
  #14
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(((((guy111)))), when we love another person and that other person hurts us badly, it's very hard to trust in loving again. As a result a person can get caught in between wanting to love someone and yet at the same time wonder if it's actually "safe" to do so. Being hurt by someone we thought we could love can leave us feeling insecure in ourselves on a very deep level. That's part of the challenge when it comes to talking about it or even writing it down.

We have and experience emotions for a reason, and it can most definitely leave us with a lasting fear. The ugly truth is that sometimes another person isn't really capable of appreciating and respecting another person's love. There are times another person misses things that are deeply important to us, sometimes they are simply not things that are as important to the other person. That can be hard on anyone, especially when they are passionate about something.

It's unfortunate that when ptsd develops, it can contribute to a person's challenge anytime something reminds them of that hurt. Truth is, there are life experiences that can hurt deeply and given that we are designed to record these hurts, we can become extra sensitive even when it's not wanted.
Ya, I understand what you mean in relation to my marriage. Alot of what you are saying relates to my childhood as well. I am doing some work on healing from being a child and not feeling safe reaching out for help. Alot of my ptsd stems from experiencing trauma and not being able to stop it, control it, or speak out about it. My therapist suspects I was told to keep the things that happened a secret. This would have had a tremendous impact on me. Maybe distorting reality for me because if I have to hide the truth then I can't process why I feel the way I do. So as an adult I struggle to connect pain with its source?
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Default Oct 15, 2020 at 01:43 AM
  #15
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Ya, I understand what you mean in relation to my marriage. Alot of what you are saying relates to my childhood as well. I am doing some work on healing from being a child and not feeling safe reaching out for help. Alot of my ptsd stems from experiencing trauma and not being able to stop it, control it, or speak out about it. My therapist suspects I was told to keep the things that happened a secret. This would have had a tremendous impact on me. Maybe distorting reality for me because if I have to hide the truth then I can't process why I feel the way I do. So as an adult I struggle to connect pain with its source?
I know this confusion, and it definitely leads to distrust and self censorship. It's good that you are searching for the truth, and reaching out. It's brave.

It can be really painful to connect. I think that old adage "if you're going through hell, keep going" applies. I think there should always be hope for understanding in a marriage, and definitely, as you say, support and partnership, not at the expense of your individuality.
I know it can also be really painful to reconnect to hopes and dreams that have been taken away, whether by means of force, or being made to believe you're not deserving.
It's been a big shift in my life to choose to reach out to people that offer thoughtful advice and encouragement.

It was always easier to talk to dismissive critical people, because their view of me corresponded with my core beliefs about myself. It's too easy to internalise that negativity, and is dysphoric to experience changes in our core beliefs.

Be your own bestest friend - YouTube

Much happier to have belief in oneself, though
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Default Oct 15, 2020 at 02:00 AM
  #16
Just a straightforward answer to your question of stopping the war in your head. I think the answer is to make yourself safe, and reach out to people, and find comfort with people you do feel safe with.
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Default Oct 15, 2020 at 12:46 PM
  #17
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Ya, I understand what you mean in relation to my marriage. Alot of what you are saying relates to my childhood as well. I am doing some work on healing from being a child and not feeling safe reaching out for help. Alot of my ptsd stems from experiencing trauma and not being able to stop it, control it, or speak out about it. My therapist suspects I was told to keep the things that happened a secret. This would have had a tremendous impact on me. Maybe distorting reality for me because if I have to hide the truth then I can't process why I feel the way I do. So as an adult I struggle to connect pain with its source?
Actually, we don't even have to be told to keep things secret, we tend to somehow develop a certain understanding that we are not allowed to question certain things. When we are children we tend to look at our parents as knowing and an authority. When we are older and have experienced life for ourselves and have more life experience it can be very hard to look back on our childhoods and see how powerless we really were and how so many messages we experienced were wrong. Also, when we are children we do not have enough life experience to know what questions to ask adults either.

Many children function on flight because they genuinely don't know what else to do. Or, they tune out as a form of protection before they even know what that is. Many individuals stay in bad relationships because it's WHAT THEY KNOW and it feels "normal" to them. We are all designed to navigate, it's how our brains are set up. That means that often a person can gravitate to a partner not because that partner is going to fill their needs, but because that partner exhibits characteristics that are "familiar" to them. Truth is "familiar" is more predictable and without realizing it, most prefer predictable as it's something one is used to navigating. Actually, this is something that the movie Shawshank Redemtion shows. That a man who learns to live by being institutionalized once set free genuinely doesn't know what to do. And sometimes, they just want to go back and live what they know.

If you were imprinted with being ashamed to have emotions guy, then you will genuinely feel it's wrong to experience and feel challenged by emotions. Recently I heard a statement where "If you lock dogs in the basement eventually they will GET OUT" and I thought, "how very true that is". Actually, that especially rings true when it comes to experiencing ptsd that is not just one trauma but can stretch back to much earlier traumas. Truth is, what is the most undesirable when it comes to healing these early traumas is the powerlessness that they reflect. Trauma occurs when a person is powerless to stop something from happening.

The thing about ptsd is that not only did something traumatize a person and they were rendered powerless to stop it, but, if something triggers one to re-experience that trauma, a person can feel powerless to stop from being triggered where they relive whatever it was despite not choosing to do so. It's the hardest thing to explain to others that never experienced the challenge so often it can leave a person feeling very frustrated. No one cares to struggle to control things that might bother them or how they experience their everyday life.

One therapist explained to me that one thing I needed from him was a "witness". Many traumas happen without a witness which can leave a person feeling very alone with whatever the trauma was. There was no rescuer, no one to stop whatever it was. It's very important to be careful when facing early traumas too because it can be harder to look at with a more adult mind who now KNOWS what happened was very wrong when that child part did not have the knowledge. Being told to "just" can provoke anger and frustration because the person struggling does want to keep those old nasty dogs locked in the basement.

I believe you try to be a good person, that you want to be appreciated for that too. That you want to be able to "love" someone and feel it's safe to do so. However, not everyone actually knows how to appreciate that because they have their own deep insecurities that they don't want to be honest about, not even to themselves.
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Default Oct 15, 2020 at 04:42 PM
  #18
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Originally Posted by KBMK View Post
I know this confusion, and it definitely leads to distrust and self censorship. It's good that you are searching for the truth, and reaching out. It's brave.

It can be really painful to connect. I think that old adage "if you're going through hell, keep going" applies. I think there should always be hope for understanding in a marriage, and definitely, as you say, support and partnership, not at the expense of your individuality.
I know it can also be really painful to reconnect to hopes and dreams that have been taken away, whether by means of force, or being made to believe you're not deserving.
It's been a big shift in my life to choose to reach out to people that offer thoughtful advice and encouragement.

It was always easier to talk to dismissive critical people, because their view of me corresponded with my core beliefs about myself. It's too easy to internalise that negativity, and is dysphoric to experience changes in our core beliefs.

Be your own bestest friend - YouTube

Much happier to have belief in oneself, though
Thank you! I appreciate your understanding. I need to hear this stuff so I don't feel alone! Is my marriage just a PTSD warzone?
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Default Oct 15, 2020 at 04:43 PM
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Just a straightforward answer to your question of stopping the war in your head. I think the answer is to make yourself safe, and reach out to people, and find comfort with people you do feel safe with.
Well, thanks for responding when I reached out! I feel better!Is my marriage just a PTSD warzone?
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Default Oct 15, 2020 at 04:45 PM
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Actually, we don't even have to be told to keep things secret, we tend to somehow develop a certain understanding that we are not allowed to question certain things. When we are children we tend to look at our parents as knowing and an authority. When we are older and have experienced life for ourselves and have more life experience it can be very hard to look back on our childhoods and see how powerless we really were and how so many messages we experienced were wrong. Also, when we are children we do not have enough life experience to know what questions to ask adults either.

Many children function on flight because they genuinely don't know what else to do. Or, they tune out as a form of protection before they even know what that is. Many individuals stay in bad relationships because it's WHAT THEY KNOW and it feels "normal" to them. We are all designed to navigate, it's how our brains are set up. That means that often a person can gravitate to a partner not because that partner is going to fill their needs, but because that partner exhibits characteristics that are "familiar" to them. Truth is "familiar" is more predictable and without realizing it, most prefer predictable as it's something one is used to navigating. Actually, this is something that the movie Shawshank Redemtion shows. That a man who learns to live by being institutionalized once set free genuinely doesn't know what to do. And sometimes, they just want to go back and live what they know.

If you were imprinted with being ashamed to have emotions guy, then you will genuinely feel it's wrong to experience and feel challenged by emotions. Recently I heard a statement where "If you lock dogs in the basement eventually they will GET OUT" and I thought, "how very true that is". Actually, that especially rings true when it comes to experiencing ptsd that is not just one trauma but can stretch back to much earlier traumas. Truth is, what is the most undesirable when it comes to healing these early traumas is the powerlessness that they reflect. Trauma occurs when a person is powerless to stop something from happening.

The thing about ptsd is that not only did something traumatize a person and they were rendered powerless to stop it, but, if something triggers one to re-experience that trauma, a person can feel powerless to stop from being triggered where they relive whatever it was despite not choosing to do so. It's the hardest thing to explain to others that never experienced the challenge so often it can leave a person feeling very frustrated. No one cares to struggle to control things that might bother them or how they experience their everyday life.

One therapist explained to me that one thing I needed from him was a "witness". Many traumas happen without a witness which can leave a person feeling very alone with whatever the trauma was. There was no rescuer, no one to stop whatever it was. It's very important to be careful when facing early traumas too because it can be harder to look at with a more adult mind who now KNOWS what happened was very wrong when that child part did not have the knowledge. Being told to "just" can provoke anger and frustration because the person struggling does want to keep those old nasty dogs locked in the basement.

I believe you try to be a good person, that you want to be appreciated for that too. That you want to be able to "love" someone and feel it's safe to do so. However, not everyone actually knows how to appreciate that because they have their own deep insecurities that they don't want to be honest about, not even to themselves.
You are very wise and can explain exactly how I feel. Thanks for your insights. Another excuse to watch shawshank redemption. That one's been on my list for too long! Is my marriage just a PTSD warzone?
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