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Member Since Sep 2020
Location: San Francisco, California
Posts: 72
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#1
After the relationship ended, I shut all my emotions down. I appeared to be happy, sad, mad, but the truth was I felt indifferent to what other people reacted to how I felt. Naturally I am empathetic, and attentive to others regardless . As of yet, I haven't even reached out. I prefer to not open up to anyone about it, but this built up anger is going to make me look crazy one day.
The first time I had a reaction to a trigger to my PTSD was in a yoga water class. My ex would choke me until I would pass out. When I'd come to, his hand would still be around my neck and who knows how many times he did that process. The one of many times I tried leaving him, I was at this class, and was confidently ready to follow instructions. When she asked us to go under water, immediately I panicked, and bobbed right back out as I noticed the instructor noticing me. Luckily she was the only one who saw it. Not only was she a yoga instructor, but she was a psychologist, and I wouls have never figured that out on my own. Another time was at a friends house. My ex, would screw the windows shut, inside and out. He also had two locks outside the door. A couple of times I almost threw a chair through the window. But my fear of his anger having to spend money on the window over took every time. And it wasn't the fear he inflicted, it was the fear of not being able to stop the fights, etc... So I avoided them at all costs. Well we were at a friends house where I was actually trying to make the best out of it. I over heard someone say soemething about a gate locked. I almost jumped up, and was not on the edge of the couch. I wasn't aware of my reaction had it not been for the persons who were sitting in front of me. One actually got up to make sure it got open. The other I noticed got uncomortable and his eyes got wide. Those moments, although brief, make a lasting impact. For me as if it was happening again. However, once I realised I was safe, the feelings that lingered were difficult to control. I never understood it nor would I had known I had and still have PTSD if it weren't for tthese two incidents. I understand the importance of getting help and managing in healty ways, but I, more than anything, am angry and unpredictable. I am not a violent person, and I hope I never will be, but this anger is storming into rage. Just going outside scares me. What if I am triggered to want to go to an extreme. For example, my ex had held a hand gun and a shotgun to my head. After the relationship was over, I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a while whose abusive boyfriend was any day get out of jail. We were supporting each other. One day she asked me to go to the store with her and another female we were with, but I chose to go home. We were practically neighbors. They both told me they'd call me when they got back. They called to tell me that the boyfriend was out, and he took out a gun at them two and another guy friend who the happened to see at the store. Even though I wasn't there, the thought of me almost being there got me upset. That night me and the guy friend were up and down the streets looking at places we might find him. The good thing was we didn't find him, but someone did and the EMT had to resecitate twice. I would have never imagined myself looking someone who "almost" took a gun out on me. It has been horrible for me needless to say, however, "dumpin" some of so far on here has been somewhat helpful. Even if I don't get replies. Thank you. Last edited by FooZe; Nov 19, 2020 at 07:59 PM.. Reason: added trigger icon |
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Alatea, helloiamjim, Open Eyes, ShaneG, unaluna
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Member
Member Since Jul 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 166
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#2
I don't have any words of wisdom to share with you. But I did want you to know that I read your post and it spoke strongly to me.
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Member
Member Since Sep 2020
Location: San Francisco, California
Posts: 72
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#3
Thank you.
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New Member
Member Since Nov 2020
Location: USA , Florida
Posts: 6
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#4
Quote:
Possible trigger:
Last edited by FooZe; Nov 19, 2020 at 08:01 PM.. Reason: added trigger tags |
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