Just not enough

I had a skype call with the doctor yesterday. I told him I was feeling more calm and less anxious on the meds. (How could I not? They could tranquilize an elephant!). I said the situation in my relationship was still bad and not being addressed. Merely my coping is being managed with meds. He seemed very happy that he gave me the right cocktail, said he doesn’t do talk therapy and that we should find someone else, and renewed my prescription for three more months.

I don’t care about taking these meds. I don’t think they are hurting me. They are helping me cope with the unsolvable situation.

Now, I am telling myself that it is my fault for having any wants for something that is not possible to get, and that I need to give up hope. I don’t know where to go from here. I am exhausted from fighting, so I’m done with that. Can’t run, can’t fight, can’t get along. What a situation!

I’m depressed as hell. These meds are making me cry less and not bother to go off on an angry rant like I used to. I am still miserable due to not getting what I want in the relationship. This is the trigger. I am absolutely obsessed with it and it affects my personality and mood. It’s not like I have a PD and need meds to help it. It’s a frustrating, ridiculous, dysfunctional relationship.

I’ve tried every conversation possible to try to come to some agreement that works. Nothing works. He tells me what I want to hear, then doesn’t come through.

So now I’m just stuck here.

I’m feeling better now. I know what triggers me and I have to stop wanting what I want. I’m not going to get it and it just triggers me.

The meds helped me not to too far down and bounce back quickly. Now I have to retrain myself. But I haven’t figured out where to go from there. It’s a work in progress.

I decided to fawn is the best way to go on from here. Fawn, it’s more fun!

Perhaps with more retraining of your thinking and by just developing the habit, the sense of fun will feel more natural and less forced. I agree it's more fun than discord. Does he fawn too? That would make it so much less boring.

I couldn’t do it this time. I froze, then later I fought. Not really a fight, but more a discussion about why what he did put me off and made me resist him.

When I have this kind of discussion with him, I’m sure it’s traumatic for him and the 4 F’s apply. I’d say he does freeze and fight. He also doesn’t really fight, rather he defends his actions and tells me I am wrong. It’s exasperating for me. It’s gaslighting.

I know I just need to accept him for exactly who he is. But what do I do when I can’t stand his advances or lack of advances? This has been the on-going issue.

So now the meds make me more accepting of the unfortunate situation, which hasn’t been fixed and never will. But I’ll take feeling more calm and accepting.

Then there are the occasional times where everything just clicks between us. He suddenly has the right moves like magic and all goes well. It’s so confusing. I have tried forever to make sense of this and can’t.

Now I am taking blame by the psy giving me serious psy meds. Was it always all me? I am ashamed.

Please don't be ashamed because you are being so open and trying to really understand how to fix what is wrong. Since he is defensive, freezing, etc--he likely has a lot of shame too but just can't admit it. Most of us have wounds or weaknesses and marriage helps us realize this.

I realize that I was a rebellious child and carried this into my marriage. This attitude negatively effected my whole family and I may have passed some aspects of this problem down to our children. You know how deeply ashamed I was of my attempt and so much more but I finally forgive myself. Your problems are slightly different but the similarity is that you are really trying to be honest and humble about how you contributed to your marriage not feeling quite right. For me, the key was forgiving myself and trying talk more honestly to my husband about everything. I feel like I should not discuss his role too much but his main weakness in the situation between us may be that he rarely admits to being wrong and does not appreciate being criticized. Hey--who does? Also, I have had to work on not replaying the past in my mind because some of the things that were replaying were negative and unhelpful to my mental health, our marriage, etc. What has helped me the most is just focusing on being what I need to become through prayer, study, meditation and , like you, I just work on things that help my family like cooking healthy meals etc. Focusing on the past definitely doesn't help once you realize what your role was and you can't fix others or take the "veil" off others eyes. We see things in our own time, when our experiences, hearts and perhaps when the universe feels we are ready to see. Try to focus on the things that are good as much as you can. I sometimes need drugs to help me with this but lately, I feel like I need them less--so you can, with time, get where you need and use less drugs. It is OK to use them if you feel like they are helping. Our problems did not develop overnight so it takes time to turn things around. We have so many good things that we can do and focus on that can make us feel good.

You are inspiring!

During my 8000 posts here , I went back and took a good, hard look at the past. I didn’t have a good therapist to tell me not to. I just felt like I had to do it. It may not have done me any good. But one very interesting feeling came from it, I felt like I reconnected with me as a child, whom I had left behind and hadn’t thought about. I gave a lot of thought to my father, who I hadn’t thought about. And I felt more like him, even saw my physical resemblance to him, which I had never thought before.

I learned about limerence, and realized that was the reason for the painful unrequited loves I put myself through. Instantly those went away as soon as I figured it out. That’s pretty incredible... and all without a therapist.

I like your thoughts about thinking positive and moving forward now and I am ready. Yes, I have to forgive myself for all the pointless, unnecessary drama.

I am a very lucky woman with a blessed life, and I need to always remember that.

For some reason, I am truly traumatized about intimacy. It was the both of us that did it. There is no resolving anything with him, only acceptance and trying to get myself to function. It is nearly impossible, as I am so traumatized.

I wish therapists had been better. Wouldn’t you think this would be a simple thing to work on? They approached me in other ways, never focusing on this, and steering me away. So I’ve done the best I can in trying to help myself and talking with wise peers like you.

Interestingly, now instead of turning the anger inward; crying, negative self talk, etc..., I have turned it outward onto the person who causes my rage. I said a couple of such nasty things, I scared myself. I’m backing off and just want to be left alone with this unfixable issue with this exasperating man. I just want to enjoy life and the company of all here, including him. We’re fine outside of the issue. I have no doc to talk to and can’t handle trying another one. I’m not sure what to tell the doc about the meds when we meet again in a couple months.