advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
20oney
Member
20oney has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 327
8 yr Member
378 hugs
given
Default Oct 31, 2022 at 06:37 AM
  #1
This is probably a topic that has been brought up countless times before, but it’s something relatively new for me. Side note, I was not hugged as a child bu anyone, so physical touch is very foreign to me

I probably found the courage to ask my T for a hug a few months ago. She didn’t even hesitate at the idea and the unspoken rule is that she initiates because I won’t.

Sometimes it’s been a quick hello/goodbye hug, other times it’s been slightly longer and I’ve been really able to feel the comfort of it.

I have a hard time opening up to my T, trusting that she is capable of not letting me lose control if I were to because upset and cry. But sometimes these hugs almost trigger those tears.

So, I’ve recently asked for longer hugs and I got one. I have never in my life felt like that. I felt physically comforted, like my mind eased and I just felt somewhat okay after a really difficult session.

Anyone else have some hug/hold experience to share? Positive or negative is welcome
20oney is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, downandlonely, Fuzzybear, LonesomeTonight, mote.of.soul, RTerroni, ScarletPimpernel
 
Thanks for this!
downandlonely

advertisement
Waterbear
Magnate
Waterbear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,408
8 yr Member
1,316 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 31, 2022 at 09:57 AM
  #2
Oh so many. Positive. All positive and so incredibly healing for me. I'll try and come back to this later but I am so glad you have a therapist that understands the powerful healing effect of safe nurturing touch and I hope that it has the same benefits for you as it did for me.
Waterbear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, 20oney, LonesomeTonight, mote.of.soul
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, 20oney, downandlonely, Fuzzybear
ScarletPimpernel
Wise Elder
 
ScarletPimpernel's Avatar
ScarletPimpernel has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,393 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
6,354 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 31, 2022 at 01:15 PM
  #3
I wasn't hugged or touched much either growing up. So touch now is really special to me and I'm very picky about who touches me and how.

Touch with L has always been positive. I have two most favorite experiences: when we hugged and she put her hand on the back of my head, and when were we're holding hands, I started to pull away and she pulled me back to her.

__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
ScarletPimpernel is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
20oney, bearybear, Fuzzybear, LonesomeTonight, mote.of.soul
 
Thanks for this!
20oney
downandlonely
Legendary
 
downandlonely's Avatar
downandlonely has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 10,760 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
10.6k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 31, 2022 at 01:20 PM
  #4
I used to hug a lot of people pre-Covid. I don't hug much anymore. I think I have hugged therapists in the past. It was not really a positive or negative experience.

However, when the dermatologist hugged me before and after each appointment, I thought that was kind of weird. She did ask though, and I accepted.
downandlonely is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
20oney, Fuzzybear, mote.of.soul
 
Thanks for this!
20oney
Omers
Grand Magnate
 
Omers's Avatar
Omers has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
Posts: 3,512
10 yr Member
3,133 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 31, 2022 at 05:35 PM
  #5
I have had both good and bad experiences with hugs and other touch in therapy. One T used it against me to control and manipulate me and my emotions.

Awesome T gives hugs at the end of every session and any time I have the courage to ask but I have to ask because we are still working on it being OK for me to have needs and a voice. He will also hold me which has been amazing to our work together. Once I ask him to hold me he comes over to the far side of the couch and puts a pillow up to his side and I can move in and out of being held for the rest of the session.

To me the thing that makes any touch in therapy safe or unsafe is that the client in some way or another needs to initiate/consent and it has to be unconditional.

__________________
There’s been many a crooked path
that has landed me here
Tired, broken and wearing rags
Wild eyed with fear
-Blackmoores Night
Omers is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
20oney, bearybear, LonesomeTonight, mote.of.soul
 
Thanks for this!
Fuzzybear, LonesomeTonight
RTerroni
Elder
 
RTerroni's Avatar
RTerroni has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 5,751
10 yr Member
2,136 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 31, 2022 at 06:50 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
I wasn't hugged or touched much either growing up. So touch now is really special to me and I'm very picky about who touches me and how.

Touch with L has always been positive. I have two most favorite experiences: when we hugged and she put her hand on the back of my head, and when were we're holding hands, I started to pull away and she pulled me back to her.
I feel the same way, although I really only like hugs on very special occasions.

__________________
COVID-19 Survivor- 4/26/2022
RTerroni is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
20oney, Fuzzybear, ScarletPimpernel
 
Thanks for this!
mote.of.soul
velcro003
Elder
 
velcro003's Avatar
velcro003 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2008
Posts: 7,357
15 yr Member
25 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 31, 2022 at 08:30 PM
  #7
My T gives me a hug after every session. After particularly emotional ones, she always makes sure I am comfortable with a hug.
velcro003 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
20oney, Fuzzybear, LonesomeTonight, mote.of.soul
*Beth*
catches the flowers
*Beth* is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind, body, spirit.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
23.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 01, 2022 at 02:06 AM
  #8
We have a big, unrushed hug at the end of every session. My t's hands are very old and very soft. Sometimes I hold them for a moment after our hug. I love hugs and find them very healthy.

__________________




*Beth* is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
20oney, Fuzzybear, LonesomeTonight, mote.of.soul
Fuzzybear
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,301 (SuperPoster!)
20 yr Member
81.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 01, 2022 at 06:25 AM
  #9
The T's I've seen didn't give hugs. I love hugs and I think they can be very healing.

__________________
Fuzzybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, 20oney, LonesomeTonight, mote.of.soul
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,699 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 01, 2022 at 06:48 AM
  #10
Ex-T didn't allow hugs for me for a long time (though she said at one point she allowed them for other clients--I just had too much maternal transference, which felt shaming). She eventually allowed them on occasion, if it was a particularly difficult session or before a break or holiday. It felt nice, but I sort of wish they could have been a regular session-ender, and I never knew how much would be "too much."

Ex-MC and current T (Dr. T) don't hug clients, which I'm generally OK with. Both shake hands (ex-MC with everyone and Dr. T only if a client specifically says they want that). I know handshakes probably seem businesslike compared to hugs, but with ex-MC, he used to shake at both the start and the end of a session (until he moved offices). I found it to be very grounding and calming, particularly if I was anxious going into session. Or at the end, if it had been a difficult one. He'd nearly always say "It was good to see you" with them, which felt nice.

With Dr. T, we shook hands at the end of each session prepandemic, then we were virtual for a long time (well, a brief few-week in-person stint in Summer 2021), then have been mostly in person since around March of this year. Initially, he made it clear that handshakes weren't allowed (due to Covid, even though we me unmasked--we did sit 6 feet apart though). Then I asked if he'd be willing at some point to start handshakes again (offering to sanitize first and even wear a mask). He said he'd think about it, and...nothing. Finally, in September, it was the 5-year anniversary of my starting therapy with him, and I asked if we could then. He agreed, and it was nice. I wasn't sure if it was just going to be a one-off, but we've continued the handshaking since then.

I had explained to him when I asked about it earlier this year the meaning it had for me. That even if I'd talked about something very shameful during session (or something that might have made him uncomfortable, like if I mentioned transference toward him), his still being willing to physically touch me at the end felt healing in a way. It also feels connecting and grounding to me. I know it's not the same as a hug, but I almost feel I get more from touching hand to hand (I'm not much of a hugger in general).
LonesomeTonight is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
20oney, bearybear, Fuzzybear, mote.of.soul, ScarletPimpernel
 
Thanks for this!
Rive.
20oney
Member
20oney has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 327
8 yr Member
378 hugs
given
Default Nov 02, 2022 at 12:51 AM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Omers View Post
I have had both good and bad experiences with hugs and other touch in therapy. One T used it against me to control and manipulate me and my emotions.

Awesome T gives hugs at the end of every session and any time I have the courage to ask but I have to ask because we are still working on it being OK for me to have needs and a voice. He will also hold me which has been amazing to our work together. Once I ask him to hold me he comes over to the far side of the couch and puts a pillow up to his side and I can move in and out of being held for the rest of the session.

To me the thing that makes any touch in therapy safe or unsafe is that the client in some way or another needs to initiate/consent and it has to be unconditional.
Yeah I can definitely see how it has the potential to be harmful if the T is after some control.

I would like to have the space for that holding. But the therapy room offers very little movement and there’s no couch. I imagine it could be quite soothing and honestly think it would be an opportunity to open up more. I’d have to ask T to sit in the floor with me, which I believe she finds quite uncomfortable
20oney is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Fuzzybear, mote.of.soul, ScarletPimpernel
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight
20oney
Member
20oney has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 327
8 yr Member
378 hugs
given
Default Nov 02, 2022 at 12:54 AM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Ex-T didn't allow hugs for me for a long time (though she said at one point she allowed them for other clients--I just had too much maternal transference, which felt shaming). She eventually allowed them on occasion, if it was a particularly difficult session or before a break or holiday. It felt nice, but I sort of wish they could have been a regular session-ender, and I never knew how much would be "too much."

Ex-MC and current T (Dr. T) don't hug clients, which I'm generally OK with. Both shake hands (ex-MC with everyone and Dr. T only if a client specifically says they want that). I know handshakes probably seem businesslike compared to hugs, but with ex-MC, he used to shake at both the start and the end of a session (until he moved offices). I found it to be very grounding and calming, particularly if I was anxious going into session. Or at the end, if it had been a difficult one. He'd nearly always say "It was good to see you" with them, which felt nice.

With Dr. T, we shook hands at the end of each session prepandemic, then we were virtual for a long time (well, a brief few-week in-person stint in Summer 2021), then have been mostly in person since around March of this year. Initially, he made it clear that handshakes weren't allowed (due to Covid, even though we me unmasked--we did sit 6 feet apart though). Then I asked if he'd be willing at some point to start handshakes again (offering to sanitize first and even wear a mask). He said he'd think about it, and...nothing. Finally, in September, it was the 5-year anniversary of my starting therapy with him, and I asked if we could then. He agreed, and it was nice. I wasn't sure if it was just going to be a one-off, but we've continued the handshaking since then.

I had explained to him when I asked about it earlier this year the meaning it had for me. That even if I'd talked about something very shameful during session (or something that might have made him uncomfortable, like if I mentioned transference toward him), his still being willing to physically touch me at the end felt healing in a way. It also feels connecting and grounding to me. I know it's not the same as a hug, but I almost feel I get more from touching hand to hand (I'm not much of a hugger in general).
Yeah not knowing how much is going to be “too much” is scary. I often wonder if that supply is going to dry up. I wonder WHEN it’s going to dry up, not IF…

Handshakes definitely seem more formal, but it’s still tough and meaningful. Like you said, that hand to hand contact. It’s still a moment of being held and grounded I think.

Thanks for the reply
20oney is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
bearybear, Fuzzybear, LonesomeTonight, mote.of.soul, ScarletPimpernel
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight
ScarletPimpernel
Wise Elder
 
ScarletPimpernel's Avatar
ScarletPimpernel has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,393 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
6,354 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 02, 2022 at 08:08 AM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20oney View Post
Yeah I can definitely see how it has the potential to be harmful if the T is after some control.

I would like to have the space for that holding. But the therapy room offers very little movement and there’s no couch. I imagine it could be quite soothing and honestly think it would be an opportunity to open up more. I’d have to ask T to sit in the floor with me, which I believe she finds quite uncomfortable
I didn't think L would sit with me on the floor. I asked, and now we do it every session.

__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
ScarletPimpernel is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
bearybear, Fuzzybear
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, 20oney, LonesomeTonight
Jesla
Member
Jesla has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2022
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 41
2 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default Nov 02, 2022 at 07:16 PM
  #14
Same….I was never held or hugged or comforted. My therapist hugs me a lot. Its very healing.
Jesla is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, 20oney, bearybear, Fuzzybear, LonesomeTonight
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*
bearybear
Member
bearybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2023
Location: UK
Posts: 25
1 yr Member
327 hugs
given
Default Feb 17, 2023 at 08:54 AM
  #15
I think physical touch can be incredibly healing and shouldnÂ’t be shamed or made to feel awkward or a weird thing to want in therapy. I have intense maternal transference with my T. It can be both wonderful and incredibly painful. IÂ’m in the incredibly painful part right now. Wonderful moments have included the first time she hugged me when she knew I wanted a hug without me having to ask after a really difficult session, and every hug weÂ’ve had at the end of each session since then. Painful moments are when I want anything more than 1 hug per session. I havenÂ’t wanted to ask because I knew sheÂ’d reject me, because sheÂ’s being really careful not to encourage my maternal transference, but I finally plucked up the courage to ask her for a cuddle today (donÂ’t judge) and she wouldnÂ’t. And it has broken my heart into a million pieces and I donÂ’t feel as safe in our relationship anymore.
Possible trigger:

Last edited by bluekoi; Feb 17, 2023 at 11:56 AM.. Reason: Add trigger code
bearybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, AliceKate, LonesomeTonight
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*
Lostislost
Veteran Member
Lostislost has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2020
Location: Uk
Posts: 557
3 yr Member
890 hugs
given
Default Feb 18, 2023 at 06:02 AM
  #16
Sorry I know I've mentioned it loads, but it's still on my mind.

I was made to feel like I dirty attention seeker when I mentioned hugs with my therapist. I finally felt safe enough to see if I could get contact/a hug, and he just told me that sometimes he hugged clients, but only when it felt right. I think he's trying to get rid of me now. It's weird that they think we can't tell when they are fake.

Anyway It was years ago, and he's never brought it up since...of course I won't bring it up again, I'm not being rejected like that another time.

Sometimes I wonder if he did it to be nasty and keep me stuck in an unsafe mode.
Lostislost is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, AliceKate, bearybear, InkyBooky, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
bearybear
Member
bearybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2023
Location: UK
Posts: 25
1 yr Member
327 hugs
given
Default Feb 18, 2023 at 06:28 PM
  #17
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostislost View Post
Sorry I know I've mentioned it loads, but it's still on my mind.

I was made to feel like I dirty attention seeker when I mentioned hugs with my therapist. I finally felt safe enough to see if I could get contact/a hug, and he just told me that sometimes he hugged clients, but only when it felt right. I think he's trying to get rid of me now. It's weird that they think we can't tell when they are fake.

Anyway It was years ago, and he's never brought it up since...of course I won't bring it up again, I'm not being rejected like that another time.

Sometimes I wonder if he did it to be nasty and keep me stuck in an unsafe mode.

Lostislost you are not a dirty attention seeker and I’m sorry you were made to feel that way. I feel like a dirty attention seeker right now. I finally plucked up the courage to ask T for a cuddle yesterday. I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage for months to ask her that and breaks my heart that she didn’t even say anything but I could tell in her face she had to try not to laugh at me. She knows how sensitive I am to rejection as well. I have no idea how she feels but I too think she’s trying to get rid of me. I’m just left alone and confused. It’s so bad I want to terminate therapy but I’m so attached to her it’ll break my heart if I do. But I suppose my hearts breaking anyway…
bearybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
AliceKate, Lostislost, SlumberKitty
Deejay14
Poohbah
 
Deejay14's Avatar
Deejay14 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 1,453
5 yr Member
41 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 18, 2023 at 06:40 PM
  #18
I guess I am wrong n the minority here, but I am not for hugs in therapy because in the end in the the client that gets hurt. Its not an equitable relationship.

__________________
True happiness comes not when we get rid of all our problems, but when we change our relationship to them, when we see our problems as a potential source of awakening, opportunities to practice patience and learn.~Richard Carlson
Deejay14 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, AliceKate
 
Thanks for this!
SlumberKitty
*Beth*
catches the flowers
*Beth* is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind, body, spirit.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
23.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 19, 2023 at 12:11 AM
  #19
Quote:
Originally Posted by bearybear View Post
...I havenÂ’t wanted to ask because I knew sheÂ’d reject me, because sheÂ’s being really careful not to encourage my maternal transference, but I finally plucked up the courage to ask her for a cuddle today (donÂ’t judge) and she wouldnÂ’t....

Ooh, I'm not judging you, at all. I'm in a very similar place with my t, except I haven't had the courage to ask her to hold me. You were so brave to ask. I'm wondering why your t is discouraging transference? It should be worked with, I believe, not just discouraged.

__________________




*Beth* is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
bearybear, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
bearybear
*Beth*
catches the flowers
*Beth* is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind, body, spirit.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
23.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 19, 2023 at 12:13 AM
  #20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostislost View Post
...
Sometimes I wonder if he did it to be nasty and keep me stuck in an unsafe mode.

Might you be able to ask him?

__________________




*Beth* is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
bearybear
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:11 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.