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chancy512
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Default Oct 14, 2010 at 12:06 PM
  #1
I first want to start off with I am sorry if this topic has already been discussed. I hate to post threads. I am never good at expressing myself.

I see my T. once a week. I have so much respect for her and the 50 minutes we spend every Monday. Lately however I have noticed we are just chatting about regular everyday things.( All my doing) I will start off with how my week went and from there it is just chit chat. I LOVE my T. so any time spending with her is fine with me. I am just worried I am wasting her time. I need to work on so many things right now and I have no idea on how to bring them up. I will write out an email and then delete it. I will journal my thoughts but never share them. I need make use of this time with her. I am so afraid she is going to say I am "cured" and that it is time for me to be on my own.
I am scared to bring up some of the issues I need to work on. Stuff I have never told her before. I always feel like today will be the session I do it and then I fail. I just don't know how I am going to do it. I am ready to give my all to therapy, but scared to death to do it!
Any suggestions on how to bring things up without her hating me( which I know she wouldn't)? I need to open up to her and not omit anything that could really be helpful to me.
Thanks so much everyone! I read everyone's posts everyday. I just always feel uncomfortable responding. Love to all of you!
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Default Oct 14, 2010 at 12:10 PM
  #2
Could you start by letting her know there are things you want to tell her, but are afraid to do so? Sometimes I've found it helpful to discuss my fears, even if I can't bring myself to talk about whatever the "thing" actually is.

I know how difficult it can be. I think it's great that you're trying to figure out how to get the most out of your time with your T.
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Default Oct 14, 2010 at 04:26 PM
  #3
yea the "chit chat hole"... I went thru that with my old T. I have a really hard time "leading" the discussion, and a lot of T's expect you to lead it. It's really hard when you have a difficult time opening up....frustrating. You need to do it sooner rather then later, because if this routine continues it gets harder and harder. Use any way you can of putting some topics out there. A list, an email, a letter, a drawing...anything. I know how hard that is for you to do, but somehow you need to push past it and do it. Best of luck!!!

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Default Oct 14, 2010 at 04:27 PM
  #4
chancy, you're doing fine and not wasting time because you are building trust so that you can bring up those more meaningful things later, when you can.
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Default Oct 14, 2010 at 04:49 PM
  #5
You shouldn't be worried about wasting her time... she doesn't get paid less if you talk about tivial things... to her a session is a session. If you feel you want to discuss more important things, my suggestion is to write out your post, just as it is and when you walk into therapy hand her the note. It is very heartfelt and she would not feel hurt by it, I think she would feel better for knowing that you want to try and that you want to give all in therapy... Therapists have a lot of training, but they are not mind readers, sometimes you have to tell them what you need from them, ie. leading the discussion. She won't feel offended, and you will have better use of your sessions.

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Default Oct 14, 2010 at 05:17 PM
  #6
Hi there,
You said you always read people's posts but are uncomfortable when it comes to responding. But, you see, you've just broken the ice and opened up here. That's an achievement in itself. Do you think you could just carry that over into therapy? Perhaps you could try this out here to test the waters and let us know what issues you are dealing with. See what people say. Otherwise you could, as others said, write a list and take it to therapy. Why do you think it is hard to open up to your therapist? Do you trust her enough? By all means, tell her how hard you are finding it so the two of you can explore why.
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Default Oct 14, 2010 at 08:08 PM
  #7
Thank you everyone for your reply's. I just finished a 14.5 hour day at work. I had a lot of time working alone to give this all some thought. One of the reasons I feel so uncomfortable, besides the fact that I am embarrassed and humilated, is that I have portrayed this image of being or at least trying to be perfect. My whole life I just want to please please please. I spend all my energy on never making a mistake. I take complete ownership if I do make a mistake, but I crumble internally.
I have cried many sessions and have laughed many sessions with my T. She is amazing. I know she will be ok with anything I bring up, but it will all make me look disgusting and more of a failure then I already do.
AAAHHH this is so frustrating. I tear up just thinking about her thinking any less of me.
Sorry for the long ramble.
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Default Oct 14, 2010 at 08:53 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by chancy512 View Post
One of the reasons I feel so uncomfortable, besides the fact that I am embarrassed and humiliated, is that I have portrayed this image of being or at least trying to be perfect. My whole life I just want to please please please. I spend all my energy on never making a mistake. I take complete ownership if I do make a mistake, but I crumble internally.
I have cried many sessions and have laughed many sessions with my T. She is amazing. I know she will be ok with anything I bring up, but it will all make me look disgusting and more of a failure then I already do.
AAAHHH this is so frustrating. I tear up just thinking about her thinking any less of me.
((Chancy)) I know from experience how hard it can be to open up to T. Your T will appreciate you opening up and sharing even thought it feels like imperfection to you. Perhaps you could print out what you have written here and share that with T?

Wishing you peace.

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Default Oct 15, 2010 at 06:03 AM
  #9
((((Chancy))))) I think what you said about trying to be perfect is so honest and raw! Why not go into therapy and just share that! I sense it would open up BIG windows to allow you a very deep healing. There are reasons you feel this so deeply. And it honestly is a burden no human deserves to carry. I think your T would be blown away by your honesty if you just shared this!
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Default Oct 15, 2010 at 08:18 AM
  #10
Chancy, your T already knows you are not perfect. She already knows you like to please people and that you hold back truths in therapy because of this. She knows all this, and she still likes and cares about you and listens every week, because she also knows that soon you will feel ready to go deeper and more honest.

She will not judge you or think differently of you. She wants to know what is going on inside you, because she wants to care and help.
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Trig Oct 16, 2010 at 01:18 PM
  #11
A unexpected turn happened. Thursday evening I was let go of my job. No warning, no explanation, no anything. California is an at will state so nothing is required. Even though it was only a part time job, I was there for 3 years and loved it. I got excellent reviews.
While I was being asked to leave my boss SNAPPAED. She went completely unprofessional, accused me of irrational things, got in my face, ect. I sat there dumbfounded. My jaw dropped. Just at 4:30 the same day everything was fine, 7:00pm I was being fired. I took the abuse and when I got up to leave I said I wished her well and walked out. I was numb. I drove to a place so I could call my T. ( Husband was at a work event ). I paged her and she called back in less the 2 minutes.
I was crying so hard she had to keep asking me to repeat myself. I finally felt ok to drive home. My T. kept calling to check on me and then insisted I see her on Friday. She doesn't see patients on Friday and this made me feel incredibly guilty.
I was so glad I went in. I immeaditly broke down. She was amazing just by listening and letting me cry it out. The suicidal ideations we very intense as well. After some time, I was able to also bring up some of the other things I have been wanting to talk to her about. She said in no way is she ever going to leave me. She will always be there. I just wanted to run and have her hold me, but her words worked just as well. She asked me to promise her I would be safe this weekend. I promised. She is also calling me today and Sunday and then I see her again on Monday.
Even though I am crumbling inside for losing my job and the abusive I received, I am feeling a bit better about being more open with my T. She really saw a lot of my desperation yesterday. By no means was I perfect or even trying to be.
Thank you everyone for all your encouraging words. As I was opening up to her I was thanking each and eveyone of you from my heart.
I am trying to stay strong even though the depression is overwhelming and I am triggered back into my eating disorder. I feel with all the kind words from all of you and my T I can keep my head up!
<3 Much love to all of you.
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Default Oct 16, 2010 at 01:54 PM
  #12
((((chancy)))) I am so sorry for all you are going through. I'm glad your therapist is responding with such tender care, and will check in with you. Your emergency session is just what you needed and she was there for you because she wants very much to be there. Maybe Friday is set aside for things that come up like this.

Please check in here too, if you feel up to it. And take gentle care
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Default Oct 16, 2010 at 03:45 PM
  #13
((((Chancy)))) I am so sorry that you experienced abuse in this NOW. That was very much a display of very low character.

Secondly, I am very proud of YOU for going to your T. That was the right way to handle this situation. It takes courage for those of us who are wounded to reach out for help when the wounds are opened up again. You emotionally took a HUGE risk for yourself at a very vulnerable hour of your life when you paged your T. You knew something could have come up where your T could not respond to you - and this was when you needed T more than anything else.

I just wanted to stop and acknowledge THAT for you because it is a HUGE (and I mean a gigantic) display of your work in therapy and your healing.

Continue to allow yourself to get the care and concern from your T right now. You are not always in this place of need. You will again be on more solid footing and will not need T this way. But right now, you do. And your knowing that, and being strong enough to allow help to come into your life - without you running or masking the pain - well hon, I can not tell you just how I can see how wonderfully brave you are being with all of this.

My heart goes out to you.
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Default Oct 16, 2010 at 04:05 PM
  #14
I agree with WePow 1000%. I couldn't say it better myself. Good for you!
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Default Oct 16, 2010 at 11:42 PM
  #15
Again, thank you everyone. I am hanging in there. T called me and said she was so proud of me that I was up showered and had decided to go to an event that I was concerned about even before this all happened.I wanted to stay in bed all day.... but knew I would feel better if I got up.It was very hard to do. She was so calming to me on the phone. We chatted for a few minutes. I cried and laughed with her. I am going to email her tomorrow.
I go from not thinking about it to being totally overwhelmed. I have never been let go from a job before. And the way my boss reacted, it was so abusive and scary. I keep getting flasbacks.
I am so happy I get to see T again on Monday. I wish I could actually have her for support all weekend here at my home. However, you guys are doing such an awesome job understanding my sadness and frustration. I appreciate all your kind words.
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Default Oct 17, 2010 at 05:04 PM
  #16
((((Chancy))))) Hope you are doing OK today. Soon you will see your T.
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Default Oct 18, 2010 at 11:42 AM
  #17
3 days have passed since I was attacked so brutially by my former boss. I still have the knots in my stomach and the flashbacks of some of the things she said to me and the aggression.
I see T today. I worry that I am making a bigger deal about this then I should. I just have never been spoken to or bashed down like that before. Everyone is saying it was all her bad behavior and nothing to do with me, but I just can't help still feeling so awful about it.
I know T is the only only that really just lets me talk it out and not judge me on how I should be feeling.
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Default Oct 18, 2010 at 12:41 PM
  #18
1) Congrats on getting lots of stuff out there, and knowing for certain that T will stand with you and talk about any of it!
2) Sorry to hear about the job situation. Please keep in mind that "at will" does not mean it is OK to send you off with abusive words. If any of these words were about your age, gender, race, health status, etc, then that may be discriminatory. Please file a complaint/write a letter of concern to the HR department. I'll bet your T would help you with the right words; you are entitled to stick up for yourself, say "I'm not gonna take it!".
You are right, your T is your ally in all of this.
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Default Oct 18, 2010 at 11:16 PM
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This may be a little off topic, but how long have you been seeing your T? I have been in T therapy for about 6 months now. I wonder if sometimes we feel 'talked out'? I know that I do. I would rather my T lead the discussion sometimes. Have her ask me some questions and help me open up.
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Default Oct 19, 2010 at 05:46 AM
  #20
Chancy, hope you were able to talk this out with T. You are right that it is your right to feel what you feel. Big safe hugs for you!
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