[mixedup_emotions]

*sigh*

I got a haircut the other day, and it's never been this short, exposing my neck. My neck is a HUGE HUGE HUGE trigger for me from past CSA....

....and when I brought up the panic in therapy the other day, I had a total meltdown and started to shut down. But we tried to push through it and get some work done.

....T said that I have closed off my neck for years and years...keeping it so tight and still....which led to disc degeneration...and recurring migraines. I have SUCH terrible neck pain. And that I need to "get in touch with my neck" and "let it have a voice".....That I am living the past and we need to get me to the present.

I am having SO much trouble doing that! I need to quiet my brain and let my body speak....how??? UGH....

I find myself sitting there, SO tense...and working to quiet my brain....but all I feel is muscle tension and an ache....My neck is not speaking in words...

I am SO frustrated. We didn't get very far when the session ended. And I ended up just bawling my eyes out because I am TRYING, but it is SO HARD for me.....and I feel like such a failure.

T said that I became so strong and so resilient that my brain doesn't want to let me go back there....How do I change that?

My brain is living in the present....and can easily say to my neck, "you're safe"....but it has no impact.....

I am so frustrated....

[googley]

(((((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))))))))

I think part of it is trying to relax. Not beating yourself up for not being able to do this right away. Just like every other step in T it takes time. Have you tried things like deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation or meditation as ways to connect with how you are feeling physically in general. My guess would be (though I have nothing to back this up) is that you are going to have to work on connecting with your whole body, not just your neck. If you work on connecting with your body in general, over time you will also be able to connect with your neck and work on the trauma that is impacting that. Good luck.

(((((((MUE))))))))!!!

I had the *exact* same experience. I have really long hair, but at one point, sometime in my first year of therapy, I got it cut short, and my neck was exposed. My neck was a big trigger to me at the time for a reason similar to yours. And like you, I had a session where I totally melted down...I felt so vulnerable and exposed and unsafe with my neck just "out there" like that.

It took a little while to work through it and feel comfortable, and honestly, my hair is halfway down my back again at this point. But I *did* get through it. You will too.

My T and I talked a little bit about triggers yesterday. I was feeling frustrated and sad because I've been *really* triggery lately. And T said that being triggered, and facing it, and working through it, are a part of how we heal. Every time we work through a trigger, we're creating new pathways in our brain, pathways that help us move towards healing and wholeness.

There are triggers I've worked through that honestly don't trigger me at all anymore...and others that might trigger me when I'm in a particularly vulnerable place, but that are way more okay than they used to be. My neck is one of those. But I don't know if I would have made it from "there" to "here" if I hadn't felt those big vulnerable feelings when I was triggered. I think we feel the feelings, face the fear, and discover that we're way safer and stronger than we thought.

I'm REALLY sorry you are going through this right now. It doesn't feel fair that something happened to us to *create* the trigger, and now we have to re-feel it to heal from it. SO not fair.

Healing is worth it, and YOU are worth it. Hang in there, and try to remember that you are HERE now, and safe.

[Perna]

I would talk to your neck as if it is "you" (since it is :-) and be gentle and understanding of it and thank it for helping you fight the CSA battle and for taking the brunt of the "pain" for you so that your brain could function and the other parts of you. Tell it you are here now and would like to help it work with you to more evenly distribute the pain and then dissipate the need to protect against the CSA anymore. Go out and buy it a "special" pillow or a silk pillowcase, show it you love it and are grateful and are sorry it has had to cope for so long on its own but keep reminding it you all are in therapy now and have help and are working to free it from its prison.

Think about what would make it feel better (warm compresses? hot showers? learning how to give it a self-massage?). Learn to roll your shoulders and gently rotate your head and try to get back/give the sense of the shoulders supporting the neck.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks so much for the feedback...

I am going to work on this. I wish it was easier. *sigh* And as much of a failure as I feel at times, I know I am making progress.

For example...

A while ago, T suggested that I start getting massages to help with my migraines. I immediately snapped NO WAY! I do NOT like to be touched.....A few months later, I decided to talk to the massage therapist....several times...and then finally allowed her to do a head/neck massage ONLY, fully clothed. I then graduated to getting weekly head/neck/back/leg massages and am topless (of course, covered). But STILL. THAT is HUGE for me....HUGE. I never thought in a million years I would do that....But I did.

Unfortunately, even with weekly massages for many months, the massage therapist is STILL trying to combat the huge knots in my neck. It's as if they are unbreakable....knots and guitar strings....crunching....and it's so incredibly painful.

And no real sign of progress, as far as the pain/knots go....*sigh*

THIS, though, seems different. I feel like I'm never going to get it. I don't understand. I can't HEAR my neck. My neck doesn't speak WORDS. But I am going to try to relax....be kind to my neck...and trust my T with the process....

*sigh*

I'm scared.

[roadtrip]

Have you tried the type of massage that works with your bodys energy. I don't know the name of it or how to describe it exaclty but they somehow wipe the not so great energy from your body/spirit. My experience was having a massage but after working each body part she like wiped the negative energy away. It was intense and I don't see myself doing that for a long while because I got lost but it is powerful and definitly got me in touch with more stuff then I was ready for emotionally but may be helpful for you at this point. You sound scared and brave

[skeksi]

I think what roadtrip is describing is called Reiki? I've never had it, but I've read about it.

Mixedup, you're using a lot of courage lately in doing these things. Sometimes we don't see the effects of what we do until a while down the road. But you're setting the stage for change.

[mixedup_emotions]

Yes, Reiki....I used to go once a month for a brief Reiki session and then get an acupuncture treatment (again, to help my migraines and neck issues).....acupuncture I did once a week....

I always felt very woozy after even just 10 minutes of Reiki....amazing stuff....and I remember them saying that I had a lot of tense energy...I will definitely give that some consideration.

skeksi, thank you.....I am trying!

[likewater]

I have the neck thing. I get more than 15 migraines a month and mri shows arthritis in neck. Go slowly. It's ok. You are putting a lot of pressure ob yourself. you will get there. I bought a neck massager pillow from walgreens that vibrates and heats up and then a thing that goes in microwave that smells nice and is warm and relaxes neck and shoulders. And physical therapist taught me neck
stretches. Ive always wanted to try that reiki thing, but too chicken. You are brave.

[WePow]

wow. Very intense topic! I had hair down to my rear for 10 yrs before starting therapy two years ago. As a part of my healing journey, I had my T and another mentor who is male (a Sundancer for Native American path) actually have a four hour healing "session" with me and at the end they and I cut my braid to represent my death to the past and the agony and loss of the innocent child.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done. And it was also one of the most healing.
And I also have the CSA related neck exposure issues, so having no "protection" in that are has been difficult.

It takes a lot of awareness to just feel the neck muscles and "catch them" when they are tense. Then do some relaxation things like gentle head rolls to relax.

The brain actually DOES live in the past with PTSD because the trauma memories are stored in the part of the brain that are for short term memory and have not been moved to the long-term "past" memory section of the brain.

Be SURE to read this!!! http://tinyurl.com/2d6xh82

Cutting your hair is a huge step forward in healing. It will not be easy, and it is not fair that you have to go through this pain. But you CAN come through this as a healed person.

[purple_fins]

I think it's a sign of healing when realizing the "trigger" in having your hair cut short.

Like you, I have issues with my hair being cut short(so, I almost always cut it myself)-- but, for a different trigger than yours.

It's so weird-- just two weeks ago I realized this "trigger" for me. H cut the back part of my hair shorter than I wanted and then --*boom*-- I felt unsafe, threatened..... In the past, i'd never been aware of it-- just knew NO ONE was allowed to cut my hair short. I talked it over with the T. I see and the way I was feeling made so much sense when connecting it with my childhood.
I commend you in being aware of the connection of short hair and your trigger.... that's how the "dots" are connected on the healing path.(IMO)

Like you, I connected a couple more "dots" and now realize a trigger about having hair cut too short.... it's such a freeing feeling to have the knowledge of the origin of a trigger, at least it is for me.(it can be very frightening NOT knowing why one feels overwhelmingly upset in an everyday ordinary situation)

Good on you now, to work on relaxing the muscles

best to you on your path for inner-peace and comfort

fins

[CantExplain]

When Homer Simpson strangles Bart, that's supposed to be funny.

I don't think it is funny at all.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for the support (and for the link, WePow!)

It helps to know that I am not alone, although it makes the impact of the past that much more real. I hate it.

I felt so ashamed when my T said that I am 'living the past'...like it somehow means I'm defective or immature.

When I struggled through my teen years, I felt SO strong and SO powerful....I took pride in that suit of armor, knowing that NOTHING could penetrate it....I wouldn't let THEM have the satisfaction of hurting me....and now, many many years later, finally accessing real feelings, and I'm this weak, scared child.

I want my power back....