[smarinb]

Hi, I have found that sometimes when there is not something particularly hard going on for me some weeks I will just make up stuff or tell things from the past to concern my therapist. I guess if i'm truly honest with myself its because i just want her to worry about me that way i know she cares for me or something, but i have realised that this is a pattern in all of my friendships, and relationships with other people i will get mad at them for no reason or for a stupid reason at some point in our relationship just to make sure that this person cares. Does anyone do this with their therapist like sometimes say things so that they are concerned about you? or something similar? I am quite worried is this normal?

[unaluna]

I think telling things from the past is legitimate. When else are you going to tell those things, if not in a lull, when things are quiet. Maybe that's the only way you could get parental attention. I know my parents didn't take my requests seriously unless I cried, and I usually refused to cry.

[smarinb]

I think you could be right I have had a lot of experiences in the past where my parents didn't take me seriously.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by smarinb

Hi, I have found that sometimes when there is not something particularly hard going on for me some weeks I will just make up stuff or tell things from the past to concern my therapist. I guess if i'm truly honest with myself its because i just want her to worry about me that way i know she cares for me or something, but i have realised that this is a pattern in all of my friendships, and relationships with other people i will get mad at them for no reason or for a stupid reason at some point in our relationship just to make sure that this person cares. Does anyone do this with their therapist like sometimes say things so that they are concerned about you? or something similar? I am quite worried is this normal?

I think that just because there isn't something hard going on at the moment doesn't mean there aren't lots of things you could talk about in therapy that would be helpful for you. Talking about the past can be very helpful, but if you're doing it to and in such a way as to elicit concern rather than to work through things it may end up not being helpful (in this context).

Maybe you could tell her that you're having some trouble coming up with things to talk about and ask her for help with this.

We often behave similarly in the therapeutic relationship as we do in real life relationships and it looks like this is the case with you as far as testing people to see if they care about you. Therapy is a great place to work on these things!

[Asiablue]

I think this is a common thing in therapy. Often people aren't used to the care and attention they get in the therapy room. It's nice to feel important enough to someone that they would care or worry about you. I'm sure your therapist can handle that and see past the behaviour but i can see how that can become a problem in real life with friends and family, if they realise their emotions are being manipulated. I definitely think it's worth exploring with your therapist.

[tinyrabbit]

My therapist says there are degrees of truth and it's not necessarily the case that something is either true or false.

[feralkittymom]

It sounds like you may be recognizing a lifetime of emotional deprivation. We all need to be listened to and cared about. If we've felt our needs were ignored, then those needs will express themselves in indirect and maybe manipulative ways. It would be best if you could talk about this issue directly rather than repeat the behavior with your T. That way, the need will be fulfilled in a healthy way, and you won't feel the need to act out the behaviors.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by smarinb

Hi, I have found that sometimes when there is not something particularly hard going on for me some weeks I will just make up stuff or tell things from the past to concern my therapist. I guess if i'm truly honest with myself its because i just want her to worry about me that way i know she cares for me or something, but i have realised that this is a pattern in all of my friendships, and relationships with other people i will get mad at them for no reason or for a stupid reason at some point in our relationship just to make sure that this person cares. Does anyone do this with their therapist like sometimes say things so that they are concerned about you? or something similar? I am quite worried is this normal?

no I dont do this with my therapist. for me telling my therapist lies when nothing much was going on would be like invalidating those times when I really needed her help on something. So when things are going ok, I am honest and tell her all the good things that are happening. this is one of the things that shows I value my therapists time and that I can be trustworthy.

[smarinb]

Thank you guys for your support/opinion, I think its a good idea to bring it up in therapy but i don't know how to go about it because i obviously don't want to tell her i've been lying to you or talking about past things that used to concerned me just to make sure you worry/care about me as that sounds a bit psycho lol, how could i bring it up, should i say that this is a behaviour i realize i use a lot with all my relationships or what?
thanks xx

[Perna]

I'm not sure I understand; do you imply to your T that they are current things going on or tell her they are past things? What things from your past you bring up can be very significant (as well as "why"). If you are telling her they are "current" happenings, then that would be a lie, but telling her about past things and discussing them, everyone knowing they were in the past, that is fine.

[tinyrabbit]

I would recommend you stop worrying about what your T will think. I don't know if this will help, but I once told mine I was afraid he would think I was lying, and he said: "For the record, if you lied, I would be respectful of that and interested in how you constructed your world."

Therapists are trained to have something called unconditional positive regard which means they believe you do the best you can at the time. So please don't worry about it as much as you are. How about saying you find yourself wanting to say things to make people concerned, and seeing what your T says?

[jenluv]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

It would be best if you could talk about this issue directly rather than repeat the behavior with your T. That way, the need will be fulfilled in a healthy way, and you won't feel the need to act out the behaviors.

I've read this thread with great interest as I recognize some of the same patterns within myself.

Feralkitty -- can I ask a question? When one talks about the issue directly with your therapist how is the need fulfilled in a healthy way? I don't ask this to be contrary. I truly want to know what your thinking is on this as I haven't yet discovered for myself how this need is met in therapy.

[minefield]

Ok so you have told a few lies so that your T will be more worried about you than needed. I see why you don't want to tell them you've been making things up or exaggerating as that would be embarrassing and humiliating but it is an important step forward if you can admit it.

I'm not gonna say that's ok because well you know it isn't ok to manipulate people with lies and your right it is a behaviour you could do with getting to grips with.

Good news though you have been really brave by admitting this is what you do and i utterly respect you for that. The important thing is that you are acknowledging that this is not really acceptable behaviour to yourself and are accepting that in the long term won't do you much good and that you need to get a handle on the behaviour as not to jeopardise future relationships because it will.

I hope you find the words to raise this issue with your T as admitting maladaptive behaviour is the first step in conquering it. Then you can get help for something that you need help for at the moment as well which will be a much more productive use of therapy for you.

Keep us updated on how it goes.

It sounds like you have a deep need to have someone care about you. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's hard when you don't get that need met growing up.

I don't want my therapist to be concerned about me. I get scared when people think of me at all.

[refika]

Originally Posted by jenluv

I've read this thread with great interest as I recognize some of the same patterns within myself.

Feralkitty -- can I ask a question? When one talks about the issue directly with your therapist how is the need fulfilled in a healthy way? I don't ask this to be contrary. I truly want to know what your thinking is on this as I haven't yet discovered for myself how this need is met in therapy.

I'm sure Feralkitty will have her own viewpoint and answer, but from my perspective, having the need fulfilled in a healthy way by bringing this issue up with the therapist means that hopefully the therapist will teach the client how to get these needs filled without manipulating others, or fabricating untruths.

I've been known to elaborate on truths, make up "white lies" to have people close to me care more about me when I felt they weren't. To me, it fulfills a need I have to be cared for, something sorely absent from my childhood. I would LOVE nothing more than to learn how I can have those needs fulfilled without relying on others, and I'm hoping that in time, my T can teach me that.

[feralkittymom]

should i say that this is a behaviour i realize i use a lot with all my relationships or what?

Sounds like a great approach to me. It shows that you recognize a behavior you're uncomfortable with and want to learn to change. As Tiny said, your T will most likely not see this judgementally as a moral issue about honesty as a value, but rather as your way of responding to the world that reflects your life experience.

Jenluv--

When one talks about the issue directly with your therapist how is the need fulfilled in a healthy way?

I don't think the need is fulfilled by the telling, but rather the telling opens the door to the experience, over time, of being heard without judgement and responded to with empathy. Those empathic experiences in response to the very issues we find most shameful about ourselves, are healing experiences. They allow us to build a healthy self-esteem.

For me, it was the empathic responding to the natural childhood need to be seen and accepted--cherished, even-- that I had never experienced developmentally. When we aren't recognized/shown empathy as children, we also don't experience learning how to view ourselves as worthy of having needs. So we come to see our needs as shameful, and yet they demand to be met, so we meet them in unhealthy ways (maybe shameful, manipulative, passive-aggressive, whatever).

The empathic experience allows us to learn and feel the developmental lessons that meet our needs and banish the shame. Once we get that, we relate differently in our non-therapy relationships and stop repeating the pattern because it's been replaced. Being heard, accepted, respected, shown empathy all re-shape our experience of ourselves on an emotional level. There may be some behavioral "lessons" that help us to carry this new experience of ourselves into the world, but the fundamental shift I think happens within the empathic relationship of therapy.

[QuietCat]

I think I have been doing this recently with T. In my session 2 weeks ago I became angry with him then withdrew and went silent, and then stared at him for an uncomfortable period of time in order to make him feel some concern over me. But when he didn't have the reaction I was looking for I got more angry, and I've been feeling very distant ever since.

I know I used to do this a lot in childhood to get attention. It's not so productive in adulthood though. *sigh*

[purplemystery]

I don't exactly make things up, but sometimes I may lead on that something was a bigger deal than it was, especially if she seems to interpret it that way. I think it's probably normal because we just want to be shown that we're cared for. And sometimes it does feel like we have to have major problems all the time to go to therapy, otherwise we'd worry that the therapist would think we didn't have to be there. But I agree that, though I understand why you do it, I don't think you have to make something up entirely- I think you can always revisit things from the past.