[likelife]

I learned from my T today that she will be terminating me. Our last session is supposed to be Wednesday. I don't know if I can drag myself to go. Or keep myself from throwing up all over her carpet if I do go.

I'm too overwhelmed and exhausted to go into details at the moment. I just know that I feel sick. I hate that I allow my thoughts to go to dark places around all of this. But I just seem to be wired that way at this point in my life. I'm dissociated and numb on the heels of being out of my mind with panic before learning that she intended to end therapy. I don't have any idea what to do except get ********* drunk. I called in sick to work. I feel so sick.

likelife
I am so sorry to hear this. The pain is excruciating and cuts right down to the bone, doesn't it? My first t did this too and it hurt like hell. Did you feel like your t was helping you and your relationship was good or had you had a rupture lately?
Or, did this come out of the blue?
I hope you can find some peace and comfort today and look after yourself until Wednesday? I know it will be hard to go but I would advise going because you can tell your t how you feel and express any concerns or just let all your hurt and anger out

[likelife]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

likelife
I am so sorry to hear this. The pain is excruciating and cuts right down to the bone, doesn't it? My first t did this too and it hurt like hell. Did you feel like your t was helping you and your relationship was good or had you had a rupture lately?
Or, did this come out of the blue?
I hope you can find some peace and comfort today and look after yourself until Wednesday? I know it will be hard to go but I would advise going because you can tell your t how you feel and express any concerns or just let all your hurt and anger out

Thanks, MLS. I've been experiencing turmoil in my T relationship for a long time. I made steps last week to try to start repairing some of it (or so I thought) by being honest, and then learned today that my T plans to end the therapy. I'm kicking myself for having been honest now.

[Lamplighter]

((((((( Likelife )))))))) I've read some of your previous threads and the relationship with your T has been pretty fraught for a long time it seems You've stuck with her despite all the negatives and really worked hard at keeping your therapy going and it just seems so unfair that SHE is the one who should be turning around and quitting on you. I am so sorry to hear this

It also seems pretty rubbish that she would tell you in one session that the therapy is to finish up in the very next session. Aren't Ts supposed to give it time to wind the relationship down? Did she explain to you her reasons and did you understand and accept them? No matter what her reasons though, it's always worse to be terminated - I hope you are able to look after yourself during this time - know that you have unconditional support here too

Torn

Originally Posted by likelife

Thanks, MLS. I've been experiencing turmoil in my T relationship for a long time. I made steps last week to try to start repairing some of it (or so I thought) by being honest, and then learned today that my T plans to end the therapy. I'm kicking myself for having been honest now.

Likelife,
Thats unfortunate but maybe a coincidence. You can't know that your t wasn't planning on finishing before you were honest
Please don't blame yourself for this. You did nothing wrong by being honest, I mean maybe this is more projection or counter transference on your therapists part. I am so sorry this is so painful

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by likelife

I'm kicking myself for having been honest now.

Whatever other people do, at least you did what you thought was the right thing. I'd say that is something to reward yourself for.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Torn Mind

((((((( Likelife )))))))) I've read some of your previous threads and the relationship with your T has been pretty fraught for a long time it seems You've stuck with her despite all the negatives and really worked hard at keeping your therapy going and it just seems so unfair that SHE is the one who should be turning around and quitting on you. I am so sorry to hear this

It also seems pretty rubbish that she would tell you in one session that the therapy is to finish up in the very next session. Aren't Ts supposed to give it time to wind the relationship down? Did she explain to you her reasons and did you understand and accept them? No matter what her reasons though, it's always worse to be terminated - I hope you are able to look after yourself during this time - know that you have unconditional support here too

Torn

Thank you, Torn, I appreciate your thoughtful response. It does seem really unfair that she's quitting on me, but I know I'm certainly not blameless. I told her last week that I had continued to meet intermittently with a consultant T, without being entirely upfront with my T about it. She knew I went for the consultation, but didn't ask about it afterwards and I didn't offer.

She told me this morning, via email, that she had consulted about our last session and that we could discuss the "future of this therapy relationship" on Wednesday. I pressed her because I was terrified she was going to terminate me, and it turns out I was right. She said it wouldn't be ethical to continue working with me if our therapy relationship was no longer benefiting me. Which, okay, I get it. But at the same time, I think she grossly misunderstood me.

I've been veering between panic and numbness all day long. I want to get into bed and not get out, but I can't, obviously. The hardest part of all of it is that I don't have anyone to talk with about it. I called a friend earlier when I was panicking and he helped to calm me down, but he had no idea about the reason why I was panicking.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Likelife,
Thats unfortunate but maybe a coincidence. You can't know that your t wasn't planning on finishing before you were honest
Please don't blame yourself for this. You did nothing wrong by being honest, I mean maybe this is more projection or counter transference on your therapists part. I am so sorry this is so painful

I don't think it's a coincidence (see my post to Torn), but you're right that I can't know if my T had been planning on ending for awhile. That had been my fear for the longest time.

[Lamplighter]

Hmm this is just my jaundiced take on it, but it really sounds to me like your T is terminating you almost out of spite (I HATE that therapy speak stuff that she is hiding behind - that waffle about the relationship no longer benefiting you ) it must feel like she's taken your honesty about seeing the consult T and turned it against you (as in, 'well if you're seeing someone else then you obviously don't need me anymore') and like you're saying, she grossly misunderstood you, and I happen to think 'yeah deliberately!'

Sorry to attribute negative motives to your T, this is coming from my own lengthy experiences with a lot of incompetent and sometimes petty therapists over the years and of course I don't know your T at all and may be impugning her badly, but I really sympathize with how you must be feeling and think that at the least, your T has badly mishandled you and your therapy needs .

A T terminating ranks really high on the scale of traumatic events so you have every reason to feel overwhelmed and out of control. Please express however much of your feelings you need to here, you'll be understood .

(((((((( Likelife ))))))))

Torn

[likelife]

I've also sent her half a dozen emails, trying to explain and understand, since this morning. I'm not especially proud of that, but I seemed to have stopped caring about what she thinks a few hours ago.

So you must have felt it coming to source out another t. BUT it is still a shock for your t to terminate. It is like a relationship gone bad and one gets in there first and ends it.
How are you feeling now? Do you think you would have wanted to continue your therapy with her otherwise?

[anilam]

I'm so sorry- that's not the way a good T should act.
You not benefiting from therapy sounds like a ****** excuse- If she really thought so, she could have given you more time, explained why she thinks that and asked you if you feel the same way. And then you BOTH could work out a plan- either change stg in your interaction of terminating.
TBH this to me sounds like a payback- you went to a different T, she felt hurt and decided to take the power back by terminating you.
I'm not working with much here- so I can be wrong. But telling a client on one session that the next would be the last one is just plain bad therapy to me (given she doesn't have some other valid excuse).
Great that you were able to be honest with her, now go to the last session and let her have it- she should know how she made you feel.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Torn Mind

Hmm this is just my jaundiced take on it, but it really sounds to me like your T is terminating you almost out of spite (I HATE that therapy speak stuff that she is hiding behind - that waffle about the relationship no longer benefiting you ) it must feel like she's taken your honesty about seeing the consult T and turned it against you (as in, 'well if you're seeing someone else then you obviously don't need me anymore') and like you're saying, she grossly misunderstood you, and I happen to think 'yeah deliberately!'

Sorry to attribute negative motives to your T, this is coming from my own lengthy experiences with a lot of incompetent and sometimes petty therapists over the years and of course I don't know your T at all and may be impugning her badly, but I really sympathize with how you must be feeling and think that at the least, your T has badly mishandled you and your therapy needs .

A T terminating ranks really high on the scale of traumatic events so you have every reason to feel overwhelmed and out of control. Please express however much of your feelings you need to here, you'll be understood .

(((((((( Likelife ))))))))

Torn

Attribute and impugn away!

It does feel spiteful in some ways. She talked about feeling as if she had failed me professionally and personally when I talked with her last week. But that no matter what I decided (to stay or go), she would be there. So much for that.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

So you must have felt it coming to source out another t. BUT it is still a shock for your t to terminate. It is like a relationship gone bad and one gets in there first and ends it.
How are you feeling now? Do you think you would have wanted to continue your therapy with her otherwise?

I had gone to see a consultation T to get another perspective on my relationship with my T, about which I had felt like I was losing objectivity (though of course, I never really had that from the start). It was also to consult her expertise about a particular concern I was experiencing in which my T did not have expertise.

I've been ambivalent about continuing with my T for a long time. Maybe she is just finally calling a spade a spade after realizing that if she didn't push me out, I'd never actually leave. Still, I had held out hope to work through that ambivalence with her. She's the first person with whom I've been completely vulnerable (besides my H), and I know there were all kinds of parental things being enacted in our relationship. I've come to see myself as having a pretty disorganized attachment style, and have wanted to find some resolution there with my T for a long time.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by anilam

I'm so sorry- that's not the way a good T should act.
You not benefiting from therapy sounds like a ****** excuse- If she really thought so, she could have given you more time, explained why she thinks that and asked you if you feel the same way. And then you BOTH could work out a plan- either change stg in your interaction of terminating.
TBH this to me sounds like a payback- you went to a different T, she felt hurt and decided to take the power back by terminating you.
I'm not working with much here- so I can be wrong. But telling a client on one session that the next would be the last one is just plain bad therapy to me (given she doesn't have some other valid excuse).
Great that you were able to be honest with her, now go to the last session and let her have it- she should know how she made you feel.

Thank you, Anilam. I appreciate your perspective. I asked her (via email since I haven't been able to see her yet) if he was deciding this unilaterally or if there was space for negotiation. That was when she cited ethics to me.

You summed it up perfectly with your comment about power. I feel completely powerless in this situation. I can't advocate for myself and be heard.

I wish I had the conjones to let her have it! But I've never been a fighter

[anilam]

Originally Posted by likelife

Thank you, Anilam. I appreciate your perspective. I asked her (via email since I haven't been able to see her yet) if he was deciding this unilaterally or if there was space for negotiation. That was when she cited ethics to me.

You summed it up perfectly with your comment about power. I feel completely powerless in this situation. I can't advocate for myself and be heard.

I wish I had the conjones to let her have it! But I've never been a fighter

You know it's never too late to start?
I think in therapy RS it is ultimately the client who should have the power. Cause TBH, the stakes are higher for us- it's OUR life- T may as well care (I don't say they don't) but they don't have that much to loose.
Feeling powerless is the worst feeling ever and it shouldn't be reenacted in therapy.
I'm just curious, what ethics did she cited? I can't think of any relevant to her argument...

[So hopeful]

Terrible! She should have given you more time at the very least. I’d be incredibly upset if this happened to me, too. But she might be right that she’s not the therapist for you. You're absolutely right that a good therapist will recognize and help you work through your ambivalence and your “disorganized attachment style”. That she didn’t is an indication that she’s not a good person for you to work with.

Can you take this as an opportunity to find a new therapist – one who is more able and willing to work together with you to help you? It will probably take some trial and error, but when you find a good person, you’ll be amazed how helpful it can be.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by anilam

You know it's never too late to start?
I think in therapy RS it is ultimately the client who should have the power. Cause TBH, the stakes are higher for us- it's OUR life- T may as well care (I don't say they don't) but they don't have that much to loose.
Feeling powerless is the worst feeling ever and it shouldn't be reenacted in therapy.
I'm just curious, what ethics did she cited? I can't think of any relevant to her argument...

I might just have it in me yet I seem to have moved on to anger in the moment. The ethics she cited had to do with it no longer being "right" to work with me if I'm no longer benefiting from the therapy.

I don't usually share stuff like this, but I'm feeling feisty and without a filter at the moment. This is what I just recently wrote to her (but didn't send):

***

I call ******** on this is for my own good. I think I rattled you on Friday. Despite your saying that what I had to say didn't hurt you, this feels like spite. Like you're telling me fine, if you're going to go see another therapist and like her better, I'm going to take my toys and go home. And you will have no say in the matter. Then we'll see who has the upper hand.

It's easy to take the high road, so to speak, and to tell yourself that you never get angry with clients, that you only get frustrated with the process or with yourself for not being able to help more. All therapists who are human get angry with their clients from time to time. It's not the end of the world if it's acknowledged (not necessarily to the client, but by the therapist to the therapist) and worked through. I think you've either been lying to me about never having been angry with me, or you're lying to yourself about the same.

I read your distance and your decision to unilaterally end this relationship as a disavowal of anger and the ultimate power grab - which is what we're prone to do when we're angry. You could say that I'm doing the same by insisting that you've been ********ting me or yourself, by trying to make you smaller from this place of feeling stepped on.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by So hopeful

Terrible! She should have given you more time at the very least. I’d be incredibly upset if this happened to me, too. But she might be right that she’s not the therapist for you. You're absolutely right that a good therapist will recognize and help you work through your ambivalence and your “disorganized attachment style”. That she didn’t is an indication that she’s not a good person for you to work with.

Can you take this as an opportunity to find a new therapist – one who is more able and willing to work together with you to help you? It will probably take some trial and error, but when you find a good person, you’ll be amazed how helpful it can be.

Thank you for your support, so hopeful. I feel so demoralized at the moment that the thought of continuing therapy with anyone is anathema to me. I've been with this T for almost six years.

[So hopeful]

I'm so sorry. Especially after six years she owes you a lot more than a short good-bye. I hope you take some comfort from the support you're getting here, and I hope in time you'll feel empowered enough to shop around for someone much better.