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ScarletPimpernel
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Default Jan 25, 2023 at 12:50 AM
  #1
I'm really struggling and I don't know what I want from writing this. I'd like empathy, but I don't feel I deserve it.

Today was a hard exhausting day in session. I wrote up the most horrible things that exist in my mind. L was extremely supportive, caring, and reassuring. And that bothers me. I want her to feel disgusted with me. I want her to punish me. I don't deserve her empathy, kindness, and love. She says my thoughts won't stick in her mind. They won't hurt her or taint her. That's a good thing...if I could believe her.

Now it's nighttime and I'm triggered. I want to SH. Of course she's not there. She's probably asleep. I can't believe I wrote out everything and let her read it. I used words that I wouldn't dare to use before. I was detailed and transparent. I put it all out there. I don't know if I regret it or not. I'm a mix between numb, scared, overwhelmed, and upset.

L says she can help me. I don't know if I believe her. It feels impossible.

I guess I wonder if therapy has helped anyone with their thoughts? I kind of feel like it's ingrained in me, like it's now a part of me. I don't want it to be. If L can really help me... I would be forever grateful. But I'm just not sure.

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Default Jan 25, 2023 at 03:49 AM
  #2
Hi Scarlet,

It's OK that you don't know what you want from writing this. I feel that you deserve empathy.

It sounds like you opened something up that was more painful than you thought it might be.

From an outside point of view, it sounds as though you have a solid therapeutic relationship with L. Are you able to trust in your past experiences with L to help you here?

I find that there's something powerful about having statements in writing. Obviously I don't know what that would look like for you, but maybe you could think about a short reassuring statement that L could write out for you, so that you can look at that as truth?

Over time, as I have worked on integrating self-compassion, my thoughts towards myself and my process have become a little softer.

Our experiences are always part of who we are...I don't think there's much to be done about that. Over time, I think it's more about learning how to accept yourself, and your feelings.

That is what L can help you with.

I'm impressed that you found the words to talk about something difficult.

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Default Jan 25, 2023 at 04:25 AM
  #3
I don't know what type of thoughts you are having scarlet. I have bad thoughts, violent ones, and I hate them, most of the time, but I don't persume you have the same kind of thoughts. I'd like to think if I can be helped, then so can you (and ideally vice versa..). My T is helping me. I feel more now, I feel scared and sad and sometimes I want to throw up when those thoughts come. To me, these are good things. I don't like them, but I judge them to be good. I feel my emotions more, and that means I can work with them, wereas when I am numb or running, I cannot.

I don't know what to tell you. It feels as if L went a bit too fast there, tbh. You should share, and push to share at times, but maybe not quite as far. I hope the next sessions will be calmer and stabilizing.

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Default Jan 25, 2023 at 08:57 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail View Post
Hi Scarlet,

It's OK that you don't know what you want from writing this. I feel that you deserve empathy.

It sounds like you opened something up that was more painful than you thought it might be.

From an outside point of view, it sounds as though you have a solid therapeutic relationship with L. Are you able to trust in your past experiences with L to help you here?

I find that there's something powerful about having statements in writing. Obviously I don't know what that would look like for you, but maybe you could think about a short reassuring statement that L could write out for you, so that you can look at that as truth?

Over time, as I have worked on integrating self-compassion, my thoughts towards myself and my process have become a little softer.

Our experiences are always part of who we are...I don't think there's much to be done about that. Over time, I think it's more about learning how to accept yourself, and your feelings.

That is what L can help you with.

I'm impressed that you found the words to talk about something difficult.
Thanks Lost!

I keep going back and forth between numb and "omg". It's hard to trust L because of my past experience with telling others the things I struggle with, and because I have never told anyone these thoughts. Outside of this, I do trust L. She made a point that if I didn't trust her, I would have never given her the paper.

I do have a solid relationship with L. And if she means what she says... I think a part of me will feel relief that someone still accepts me with all my badness. Another part of me just feels like it's incongruient with what I believe. I think that's going to be the hardest part in trusting her.

Either on our phone call tonight or session Friday, she's supposed to tell me a path that we can take to help me. I'm very interested because I see no way out of it. But I want to be better. I don't want these thoughts.

Thank you again.

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Default Jan 25, 2023 at 09:08 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by AliceKate View Post
I don't know what type of thoughts you are having scarlet. I have bad thoughts, violent ones, and I hate them, most of the time, but I don't persume you have the same kind of thoughts. I'd like to think if I can be helped, then so can you (and ideally vice versa..). My T is helping me. I feel more now, I feel scared and sad and sometimes I want to throw up when those thoughts come. To me, these are good things. I don't like them, but I judge them to be good. I feel my emotions more, and that means I can work with them, wereas when I am numb or running, I cannot.

I don't know what to tell you. It feels as if L went a bit too fast there, tbh. You should share, and push to share at times, but maybe not quite as far. I hope the next sessions will be calmer and stabilizing.
Thanks Alice!

It was my fault for going so fast; not L's. This all was my idea. Well, several months ago she did suggest that one day I might want to tell her my thoughts. But the choice to do it now and write it all out was my idea. She did encourage me, but she always encourages me to follow my wise-mind.

I'm not sure if I regret it yet. L says she doesn't regret it. She says she won't reject me or abandon me. I guess I'm used to judgmental people in my life. Like my past church did an exorcism on me for my thoughts and depression (they didn't know details).

I'm glad your T is helping you and you're feeling more. Maybe that's part of what I need? I feel a lot of feelings normally. And I do feel disgust for my thoughts. But they're still there. I wish for more than anything for them to go away. That's the only way I can imagine healing the wounds that caused the thoughts.

It does give me hope that you're getting help for your thoughts. Thank you for sharing with me. If I figure anything out, I'll repost here too!

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Default Jan 25, 2023 at 11:39 PM
  #6
Tonight's phone call about the path L and I are going to take was...good? Overwhelming as well. I can't even hold it all in my memory. One was learning positive thoughts instead of the negative, one was desensitization of the negative thoughts, one was a specific type of education, another was social support, and last was acceptance of myself. She listed the three end goals, but those are fuzzy and too personal anyways to say here. But I agreed with them. She said most of this we've already been doing and also most of it will be organic. She said things won't happen overnight and that some may take the course of years. She says she'll hold the hope for me since I have only a little, and she'll hold the path for me so I don't have to worry about it. She told me she just wants me to be the client and she'll be the therapist. She also said that all of this is within her expertise and that she's confident she can help me.

I'm still going back and forth between numb and shock. And I do feel a little better about all of it. It's nice that she's holding hope for me. It means a lot especially since I can't hold much hope right now. L says she's not going to leave me and that she's okay and we're okay. She says this won't taint her because it's not her issue. She told me right now I just need reassurances and time to see that the reassurances are true. She told me that the roller coaster of emotions will probably take awhile for my body and mind to calm. We did some deep breathing, and then said our "I love yous".

Oh! She reinforced that I do trust her even if I feel I don't. That not only would I have not written the letter and let her read it, but I wouldn't be communicating with her and I wouldn't have picked up the phone. She's also proud of both of us because none of this has lead to a rupture. She said ruptures aren't bad, and in fact normal, and it shows that over the last 4 years we have built a strong foundation. I agree with all of it.

Still...it's hard knowing that she knows.

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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 12:42 AM
  #7
I think her reaction is appropriate and amazing. You are not your thoughts. They are a part of you, but they are not all of you, and they needn't define you. My T has me meditate and a part of what that does is allow me to remain as I am and let the thoughts and emotions come and go. They can touch me, and they do, but the task is to feel them, and to acknowledge them, and then let them go. I'm not a guru of course, I fail at the letting go part a lot of the time, but failure is a part of learning and that's fine. I have no doubt that you are on the right path and that L is capable of helping you.

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