Therapy - updated

Okay, so I started a new thread because it was getting confusing for me.

I had therapy just half an hour ago.

I did bring my post (thanks January) - but he wouldn't read it - and I told him that I didn't like his contract (thanks everyone) ... but beyond that, ARGH.

I swear he doesn't listen to me. I told him I felt disconnected. So of COURSE that has to do with any number of things that have been brought up in therapy. NO, I just feel crappy and I dislike YOU - grrr T. I told him I didn't exactly like him and I didn't want to be there though.

We did more talk about emotions. At least he didn't make me do another contract. I explained, in excruciating detail, every way that his contract was lousy and how I broke it. He didn't seem happy about that, but I don't care.

Said something about my trying to get attention by doing stupid things to myself (like drinking a lot) and wanting help and for people to care for me (and make decisions for me). Yes, I admit it. I have a stupid way of asking for help. This is what I've been taught, and just telling me that what I'm doing is not the best idea will NOT solve the problem.

He didn't give me any ideas about what to do when I want to SI. All he said was something about establishing relationships and connecting me with people I can talk to when I need to. But I ALREADY talk to everyone I trust. That includes all of you lovely people.

Then he reads this passage from a book that he thought would be helpful to me (isn't that sweet) ... something about how bottling emotions and how not dealing with them makes it worse and then they control you. He said that if I didn't believe him when he said that, I should believe the author since he's highly educated in that sort of thing. I already believe my T, I do ... I just can't change how I've been conditionned to believe my emotions are bad and to just freely express them overnight - can I?

%#@&#!. He's so frustrating to deal with.

At least he told me that maybe it would be a good idea to go see a psychiatrist. So I'm on a waitlist to see psychiatrist I saw last semester. I like him and I trust him, and it seems a heckuva lot more than I like my T right now... that's bad isn't it?

So I will hopefully see the Doc soonish (I don't know when ... might not be until sometime in September, but I can wait that long) and maybe, just MAYBE I will scream at my T next week. I've got an itching to do so.

This is all my fault isn't it? I'm being defensive and I hate change and it's my fault that I'm emotional and the fact that our relationship isn't so great right now - that's my fault again, isn't it?

Phooey. One week until I see him again.

%#@&#!. Why do I do this ... therapy seems so pointless right now.

On another related topic - I've been having lovely conversations with a friend of mine who has been really helpful and supportive of me - well, always - and he's the guy I turn to when I need help or someone to listen. He's the guy who helps me when the SI thoughts get bad, and he's the only one I trust to be honest with (most of the time) ... he's the only one who I can't seem to lie to, since he seems to understand me better than most people. Anyyyyyyyyways, he gave me homework on Friday. Make a list of fears and a list of reasons I don't want to change. That was hard work, but helpful for me. I tried to bring THAT up with T too, but he wasn't paying attention. Phooey.

What am I doing wrong?

I just want to feel BETTER.

Maybe it's because he's a guy, maybe it's entirely my fault for how I feel... I don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm drowning. I hate that feeling.

Kinda odd that I stumbled upon (no I didn't search for them) ... articles about when to terminate therapy. Should I? I don't know. Maybe I'd be more screwed up than I feel right now.

I don't know what to do. I don't know why I'm complaining, my problem with him isn't as bad as other people. Maybe I should just be glad that he's putting up with me. I don't think I would put up with me.

%#@&#!.

Sometimes the fit isn't right. I got lucky on the first try but I know people have had to go to a few T's before they found one they're comfortable with.

I had to do that with P-docs.

Sometimes though, it could be he's pushing your buttons and he's hit something that brings up those feelings you're having.

There are all kinds of relationships possible and sounds like you have a bit of a combative one with your therapist. That could be a very good thing but it is not a bad one! There's nothing "wrong" with you (or him) for having these troubles, therapy is often like the "weather" and there is rain, strorms, too many hot, dry days, etc. as well as beautiful Spring or Fall days! To me, it sounds like you're "worrying" too much about who is doing what to whom and how and whether everyone likes it. If you were "taught" a crummy way to interact it is going to be a long time before you can interact in any other way as it is all a process! You can't very well start first grade and then graduate from high school the next week? I would keep seeing this therapist and battling back and forth, seeing if you can listen to him better and try out some of the things he suggests and look to see why he won't "do" what you want him too, etc. Whenever I didn't like what my T was saying/doing I tried to remind myself that she had been doing therapy with lots and lots of clients for many years whereas I had only had a relationship with her and none of my own bright ideas :-) on how to feel better seemed to work so well so what did I have to lose trying hers? I also worked on getting my "fatalist" attitude where rather than fight for her to go "my" way I might as well go hers, even if it was/felt wrong as I'm probably not going to get a whole lot "worse" and, being "stubborn" :-) and a "natural" resister, if things were going worse, my inner Self would probably take over and put the brakes on things anyway!

I began to realize I was like a medieval fortress and that I could cue the defenders to raise the drawbridge, drop the portcullis and ready the boiling pitch on the roof and alligators in the moat before my T could blink so I was always unconsciously protecting myself better than anyone else could and thus I could relax a bit and try some scary things, knowing my defenders had gotten me "this" far so I was still biting, kicking and screaming :-) and there was no indication that they wouldn't keep on doing so. So, go out and thumb your nose at some of the things that frighten or upset you and do "scientific" experiments on what happens nowadays (which are wholly different from back "then" when things were bad).

canders, that is great you were able to discuss the contract issue. It's OK your therapist was not happy with what you said about the contract. Sometimes when we really feel strongly about something, we just have to do what is right for us, despite what the T says. He is not your parent, after all. And I'm sure he says many other things which are helpful. As my T likes to tell me from time to time, he doesn't know everything, and I am free to reject whatever he says that really doesn't "fit".

It really sounds like you covered a lot of ground in this session.

That is great he thought of you outside of session and found the book passage he thought would be helpful. Sounds like he is putting some effort and thought into your therapy, and that is always good news.

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At least he told me that maybe it would be a good idea to go see a psychiatrist.

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Do you know why he suggested that?

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This is all my fault isn't it?

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No. I wouldn't say "this" is anyone's fault. It is your therapy, which isn't always easy. You're having to work at it, and so is T. Sounds like the way it is supposed to be!

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Make a list of fears and a list of reasons I don't want to change. That was hard work, but helpful for me. I tried to bring THAT up with T too, but he wasn't paying attention. Phooey.

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If you want to share that with your T, then bring it up again next time. It sounds like your session was jam packed with topics, so maybe it was just too much to bring the list up. Maybe you could also balance out that list with a list of reasons you do want to change!

Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing really good work.

Canders! I'm so glad that you went line by line and told him what you didn't like about that contract.

Good for you! That is so hard to do a confrontation like that. I'm not surprised he didn't want to read the post. He wants to spend time hearing your thoughts.

I can't say whether or not you should quit this therapist but if you do, find someone that you are comfortable with.

I do like that he read you a passage. He does care about helping you.

Good going!

(((((((( Christina ))))))))

Sounds like this is not a good match here with you and T. You need a T that listens and pays attention to you. I knew from the very first day that I was going to be able to work with my T. It felt right.

And yet you have a good feeling with the friend that has helped you. Might be an idea to find a T like that.

Take care.

Very good job in being honest with your T about your feelings.

I hope that you have the chance to fully process your anger and hatred towards him. Once I began to do that I realized that a lot of my anger was coming from not wanting to feel less favorable ways. It's easy to get angry with him. It's also easy for me to angry at someone who I know cares about me deeply. I don't know what to do with those feelings of someone caring, so I end up just getting pissed off. I wouldn't write it off just yet as not being a good match. It seems as though there is a lot of emotion going on in that relationship; lots of stuff to work through. Processing the anger I feel towards my T also helped me to realize that my anger doesn't always have to evoke a pathological response. He stayed. He's still there for me. And I still continue to get pissed off at him and say %#@&#! you! But I'm starting to be able to feel the other stuff, too.

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Petunia said:
Sometimes the fit isn't right. I got lucky on the first try but I know people have had to go to a few T's before they found one they're comfortable with.

I had to do that with P-docs.

Sometimes though, it could be he's pushing your buttons and he's hit something that brings up those feelings you're having.

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Maybe the fit isn't right. I don't know, we'll see I guess. He is pushing my buttons... a lot. Phooey.

Thanks Petunia.

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To me, it sounds like you're "worrying" too much about who is doing what to whom and how and whether everyone likes it. If you were "taught" a crummy way to interact it is going to be a long time before you can interact in any other way as it is all a process!

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Thanks Perna. I like your analogies. I know I'm trying really hard to protect myself right now - gotta work on the defensiveness thing. I know it...

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At least he told me that maybe it would be a good idea to go see a psychiatrist.

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Do you know why he suggested that?

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I actually thought it up and brought it up as an idea ... quite frankly, I've been down the severely depressed route before and figured I might as well talk to a psychiatrist to see if they recommend meds. At least I've got my parents support on seeing a doctor - not a therapist mind you.

I think I will try to bring up the list again - but we'll see if he actually pays attention this time.

Thanks sunrise - lots to think about.

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I'm not surprised he didn't want to read the post. He wants to spend time hearing your thoughts.

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I can't always elaborate things - so I thought it would help. Unfortunately that makes him different from my past T's (besides the sex difference...)

Thanks almeda24fan

Hey pegasus... my friend is one of a kind. Hehe. I told him that if he ever decided to become a T that I would hire him on the spot! haha.

He sometimes listens... I had a better connection with him before, I'm just wondering where I went wrong. Not as good of a fit as my first T, but it was still a good one. Now I think I've managed to muck it up forever somehow.

Thanks for the hugs ((((((((((((Pegasus))))))))))))))

Hey pinksoil...

I hate the feeling of anger. I would rather be a sobbing mess (I should also say he's had a really difficult time trying to tell me I'm allowed to cry in session) than be angry at anyone. Kinda destructive, or from what has been modelled in my family.

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It seems as though there is a lot of emotion going on in that relationship; lots of stuff to work through.

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I hate work. Yeah, we have a lot to go through. I'll tough it out for at least a few more sessions. Then it will be into September and I can decide if I want to see someone else.

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He stayed. He's still there for me.

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That's another thing I'm scared of. If I'm totally honest in my feelings and all that... He's going to leave. Plain and simple in my perception of things.

Thanks pinksoil.