[retro_chic]

I'm sorry to keep dragging this out but I keep thinking about the email reply T sent me last week. This is what I sent and her reply:

Hi T

I'm really sorry to be bothering you (especially when you're unwell) but I don't know what else to do. The cancelation of our session this week seems to have triggered some sort of abandonment issue and I can't stop obsessing over it. I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to achieve by sending this email but I just can't figure out how else to cope for the next week.

I know we discussed boundaries regarding emails last session but for some reason I'm still confused or it is still not sinking in.

I apologise again for bothering you and I hope you've recovered enough to enjoy your weekend

Many thanks,
Retro
_____________________

Hi Retro,

I certainly understand and appreciate the difficulty of the situation for you- unexpected cancellations can be triggering. All we can do now is continue to explore and understand what this means further next time we meet. In the meantime perhaps you can continue to utilities coping strategies you have learnt previously and have found useful, such as writing down your thoughts, relaxation strategies, etc.

I'll see you on Thursday at 6pm.

Take care,
T

Does anyone think my T's response was kind of... cold? I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive but I just keep thinking that T doesn't really care about me that much. We discussed email boundaries but it turned into a discussion about what I'm hoping to get out of emailing T / what it means to me and blah blah blah... by the end of it I was still not 100% certain on what the actual rules are. Anyway, should I be bothered by T's email?

[ScarletPimpernel]

To me, this sounds like an email my T would write. It has acknowledgment, validation, encouragement, and a solution. And she's willing to talk about it next time.

What are you looking for?

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

What are you looking for?

That's a good question... I don't really know. Something more "friendly" sounding? But we're not friends. Something more comforting I guess.

[Waterbear]

I think this is a lovely email, just like my T sends. Understanding, supporting, realistic, and confirming that she will see you, will talk to you about it.

I would be confused about the lack of clarity over email communications too, and that is annoying that she won't be straight with you, but this is probably beat to do in person, not in an email.

Hugs to you.

[Waterbear]

Don't you find your T cold in real life too though, and maybe we can hear what we think T would be like in person through email. I know my T is warm and caring, and hear that in her emails, despite being unable to always feel it in session.

[Amyjay]

Abandonment issues tend to involve very young and vulnerable feelings. It looks like you have written your email about the child-felt feelings from an adult pov and your T has responded in an adult way to the adult pov.
Could it be that the child part (that was really the one wanting support, but was protected by the adult who tentatively reached out) feels inderstandably ignored by the very adult response?

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

I think this is a lovely email, just like my T sends. Understanding, supporting, realistic, and confirming that she will see you, will talk to you about it.

I would be confused about the lack of clarity over email communications too, and that is annoying that she won't be straight with you, but this is probably beat to do in person, not in an email.

Hugs to you.

Don't you find your T cold in real life too though, and maybe we can hear what we think T would be like in person through email. I know my T is warm and caring, and hear that in her emails, despite being unable to always feel it in session.

I think that maybe my perception of T is distorted by something (transference probably) and I'm having trouble seeing her clearly. My T is not cold in session but kind of has that blank slate thing going on which I'm in a bad mood I can interpret as cold and distant. Other times I think my T is the most perfect person in the world.

With the email boundary conversation, I think my T was more interested in exploring my feelings about it than actually answering the question. I guess this is a discussion we will be continuing next session.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Abandonment issues tend to involve very young and vulnerable feelings. It looks like you have written your email about the child-felt feelings from an adult pov and your T has responded in an adult way to the adult pov.
Could it be that the child part (that was really the one wanting support, but was protected by the adult who tentatively reached out) feels inderstandably ignored by the very adult response?

This makes sense. I always hate those childlike feelings and that always makes them worse. I need to just accept them but I can't.

Her message is similar to the emailing style of my second T that I liked very much for his professionalism. I am with Scarlet in that I hear "acknowledgment, validation, encouragement, and a solution" offered in it, in a concise and professional manner.

Maybe imagine how you would feel if she wrote something "friendlier" - perhaps more satisfied in the moment, but wouldn't that trigger more longing that will never be fulfilled by her?

[LonesomeTonight]

Were you looking for an apology for having to cancel? Because that's what jumps out at me as *not* being in there (amidst other good stuff). I've realized recently that's what's been bothering me recently about some of my marriage counselor's reactions to things--that if he'd just say "sorry about x and thanks for bearing with me" or something (like with the move to a new office, running late, etc.), then that would go a long way. So maybe that's what you're looking for? Just a thought.

Also, this sounds very similar in tone to what my T and sometimes what MC sends--sometimes his are a bit warmer and sound more like him than "generic T."

[Elio]

This sounds very much like an email I receive from T unless I am much more clear on what I want from her. One time I said that I wanted to hear something about blah and to feel blah type of connection and I got a much different email. So, there is something to be said about being able to clearly and specifically as for what you/we/I want. It is risky and scary to ask for it - not easily to realize, and to ask for.

Thank you Amyjay for this, good food for thought

Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
Abandonment issues tend to involve very young and vulnerable feelings. It looks like you have written your email about the child-felt feelings from an adult pov and your T has responded in an adult way to the adult pov.
Could it be that the child part (that was really the one wanting support, but was protected by the adult who tentatively reached out) feels inderstandably ignored by the very adult response?

[Virginia1991]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Abandonment issues tend to involve very young and vulnerable feelings. It looks like you have written your email about the child-felt feelings from an adult pov and your T has responded in an adult way to the adult pov.
Could it be that the child part (that was really the one wanting support, but was protected by the adult who tentatively reached out) feels inderstandably ignored by the very adult response?

I would find the email cold too. This happens with me a lot when my T sends similar responses. Then I read this response. This is it. Exactly what happens to me. Thank you for putting it into words for me.

[velcro003]

I think the e-mail read just fine. Not cold, and I guess not especially warm? It is hard because you read it through your filter of the relationship with your T, and I am reading it as a complete outsider with no "tone" involved.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I think the e-mail read just fine. Not cold, and I guess not especially warm? It is hard because you read it through your filter of the relationship with your T, and I am reading it as a complete outsider with no "tone" involved.

This reminds me of some advice someone (could have been you!) on this board gave recently that I've found helps: Imagine your T reading it in their voice, saying it to you in session. How would your T say those words to you? That's helped me be more realistic about the meaning of e-mails.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

I'm sorry to keep dragging this out but I keep thinking about the email reply T sent me last week. This is what I sent and her reply:

Hi T

I'm really sorry to be bothering you (especially when you're unwell) but I don't know what else to do. The cancelation of our session this week seems to have triggered some sort of abandonment issue and I can't stop obsessing over it. I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to achieve by sending this email but I just can't figure out how else to cope for the next week.

I know we discussed boundaries regarding emails last session but for some reason I'm still confused or it is still not sinking in.

I apologise again for bothering you and I hope you've recovered enough to enjoy your weekend

Many thanks,
Retro
_____________________

Hi Retro,

I certainly understand and appreciate the difficulty of the situation for you- unexpected cancellations can be triggering. All we can do now is continue to explore and understand what this means further next time we meet. In the meantime perhaps you can continue to utilities coping strategies you have learnt previously and have found useful, such as writing down your thoughts, relaxation strategies, etc.

I'll see you on Thursday at 6pm.

Take care,
T

Does anyone think my T's response was kind of... cold? I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive but I just keep thinking that T doesn't really care about me that much. We discussed email boundaries but it turned into a discussion about what I'm hoping to get out of emailing T / what it means to me and blah blah blah... by the end of it I was still not 100% certain on what the actual rules are. Anyway, should I be bothered by T's email?

Retro, I understand your reaction too. My T often writes emails like that, and they are perfectly fine if I'm in adult mode. AmyJay's post makes a lot of sense. You wanted​ a more intimate, motherly kind of response, which you didn't get. My T wanted to stop emailing because I was disappointed with her words. Somehow, we both changed a little and I'm usually okay with them. Her signing "Love T" helps too.

The child needs can't be fulfilled in an email. They need to be talked about in person at your session. Hopefully you and your T can come up with a plan for the future. If I were you, I would be clear on your interpretation of the email as "T doesn't care." I'm guilty of that too. It's not true! Attachment issues are tough but you can work through them, in my opinion.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

This reminds me of some advice someone (could have been you!) on this board gave recently that I've found helps: Imagine your T reading it in their voice, saying it to you in session. How would your T say those words to you? That's helped me be more realistic about the meaning of e-mails.

Not what I was thinking at all, but that is really good advice! I imagine if I were in a "triggered" state that the email would be unsatisfactory, but I read the email your T sent and I could hear my T saying something like that in session (minus the coping strategies, because that's not my Ts thing).

I hope that y'all are able to discuss this in a meaningful way next session. I know that I'd be pretty upset about a last minute cancellation.

[kecanoe]

I would not like that response. I have learned to specifically say what I want, because for me it is always a child part that wants to connect. Today I sent T1 a text "I was right" and then another text telling him that was a child part who wanted to make him laugh so I could feel connected. So he texted back "lol" and then something else about the situation. And that worked for me.

But I think it is probably as hard for ts to read what we mean thru text/email as it is for us to do that. I hope your adult can tell the young part that t is still there and will be there at your next appointment. That sometimes helps me.