In Session Today : Part III

Your T does sound gentle. I would look for that quality next time, if I ever change. I adore the sense of belonging you seem to feel with her. I would like to achieve that sense of safety.

My T will allow me to email to collect my thoughts and commit to the session up coming, but generally doesn't reply. I think this is flexible on his part, and against his very deep belief n the purity of the "frame".

We both had times in our 20's in which we wrote professionally- me for a magazine and my T for TV- so it becomes self conscious in the extreme, and he will sometimes say he loved a sentence and why etc. It goes down the wrong road of being about the writing sometimes, but at other times he brings up in session details that demonstrate he read and understood with an accurate and true heart.

There might even be an aspect of competition between us, which sometimes delights me and sometimes knocks the wind out of me- about facility with metaphor etc. The whole things is just maybe we are too much peers, but then he is a seasoned psychologist who owns the power in the room, and I am the one with the sad story who needs help. I vacillate between gratitude and resentment.

Thursday's session 2-8

It was about 4:20pm when I went to do oral care and get ready to come to session. Somehow in the bathroom I just lost track of time. I got back to my desk and checked some emails and next thing I knew was 20 minutes till the hour. I wanted to change into sweats in order to be more comfortable sitting on the floor. I debated about changing once I got there or changing here. I went and changed real quick and I headed out. I had 10 minutes to get to your office from the time I left my work.

I made really good time and was at your office with three minutes to spare. There was no parking in your lot or along the road. I circled several times. There were lots of open spaces but they all seem to have temporary no parking signs. I finally found a place to park and while paying the meter I tried to call you. It went directly to voicemail and I hung up. I put the sticker in the window and walked quickly to your office. It was seven minutes after the hour when I went through the first door. As I was closing the second door I noticed my phone was ringing. It was you. I answered and said I was on the stairs. We hung up; I went down the stairs; you came out of your office and called me on back.

I came in and apologized for being late saying that it was hard to find parking and that I had to circle. You are understanding and said it could happen that way. I agreed you never knew. I felt bad. I felt like I should’ve left earlier. I also was unhappy to lose the time. I put my backpack on the couch and fumble to get the blanket out. I finally got it out and sat down on the floor. I put my red bag on my left side and my blanket under my knees. When I leaned back the couch slid against the wall. I responded apologetic to the couch sliding. You said it was okay. You asked where I wanted you to sit (thank you). I padded the space next to me to indicate I wanted you to sit at the other end of the couch on the floor. You got up and moved to the couch. You picked up one of the pillows. You said you wanted to move your side of the couch against the wall. I leaned forward and you slid it back the few inches. You sat down and put the pillow behind your back.

I don’t remember how I started or what we first talked about. I pulled out the go away book. I said that I had read it… I started to say several weeks ago and I wasn’t sure when so I said last week or the week before. You asked me what it was like or how it was for me. I open the book to the end and read to you you go far away. I think I started crying. You said something like I know. I turned patient showed you the statement of you will come back. I turned back to the you go far away page. I just looked at it. I cried I said I didn’t want you to go away. I think you said I know. Something was said about the book. I said that the book was a progression. You asked me how so. I started us at the beginning of the book. I walked us through the book. I pointed out the proximity of the baby to the parent from page to page. I pointed out the progression of the punctuation and the words used from page to page. I did not point out the aging that also occurred with the children. I pointed out how the location became more scary more different as the book progressed. So at the beginning of the book is parent-child playing peak-a-boo the right next to each other. Next it was arm’s-length to closer. The mommy leaves home while child is left with grandfather. And talk about this other than pointing out that it was at home. The verbiage also changed I call it more anticipatorial and also showing in future tense. It’s a very interesting book. I think it does a good job trying to display separation. You didn’t read it to me. I thought I had brought it for you to read it to me.

I reached the end of the book again. The page of you go far away. You are going far away. You said yes or something in affirmation. I told you that it felt like you are leaving me. I said that I knew that wasn’t true but it was how I felt. I’m not looking at you. I don’t want you to take this badly personally. I don’t want you to change your plans. And I know you won’t. I start crying more. Lots of things are said in here I don’t remember it all. … “I’m scared”. I say that I know you are going to come back, that you want to come back. You asked me if I thought something bad would happen to you or if I had a sense as to why you would not come back. I again said that I don’t know, you just won’t come back. I pause, I say you won’t come back because of me. More said… I say that people leave me. I said that even if they come back they are not the same. I said something about Uncle R. More said. I say something about it being grandson’s birthday this weekend. You said that he is hmm don’t remember your words something good, something about missing him.

I start crying again. I am thinking about D (daughter) leaving me, I am missing him. I said that yes I love him a lot and miss him. I said that I was thinking of D. She changed, she left me. I said that I did nothing wrong. You agreed that I did nothing wrong. I said that it didn’t matter and that you can’t make someone like you/love you. You say something about humans (maybe this was said later). You said something about these statements having different meanings for you now that you know me better; about hearing them with different ears [since we first met]. I made some comment about making more sense as to why things affected me as much as it did then. You said that it would have been hard for anyone. I talk about how I had believed we’d gotten to the place that we could have handled anything, we would have been able to talk through anything. I let her in and believed her, in her, in us. You said something.

I start thinking about what D had done to grandson. This upsets me. I can’t tell you what I am thinking. It is getting hard, hard to stay here. I start moving more, urges to move. I want to physically move. There’s something more here but I can’t stay here. I’m trying to stay. I let you know I’m trying to stay here in this place. I say ****, I pull my blanket out from between my legs, into my lap. I get that smile on my face. I said something about getting that stupid smile on my face. I whisper ****. I’m moving something between a fidget and rocking. I say something about it closing down, unable to stay open to it. You tell me that I stayed open for a long time. I don’t remember what we talked about here. You had turned sideways so that you could watch me better. I noticed you had moved earlier during this portion of the session. We didn’t dig at anything we just talked.

I tell you I am not doing well. I look at my bag to get my phone but I don’t reach for it because my bag is too close to you. We talk a few statements about how I wasn’t doing well and I decide that my post on the forum is the best way to describe how I am doing so I decide to go ahead and get my phone out even though my bag is close to you and I’m afraid of hitting you with it or something like that. I get out my phone. As I am working on pulling up the forum post, you ask me if it is my journal, I said no. You let me keep looking for it. I pull up the forum post and read it to you. I am struggling with reading it to you, my eyes won’t focus. I tell you that this first part is a disclaimer then I read it:
*I don't know where to post this so figured this is good enough place, I will deleted it if belongs somewhere else.

I have been struggling for a while. I'll have moments of feeling better, mostly I'm just so sad, I've lost whatever little interest I did have in things, and my eating is not being managed. I'm shutting down. I can feel how fake I am becoming. I have started to debate even keeping up my journal. I believe T doesn't want me to email her and she doesn't want to keep seeing me at some level forever (the plan was to keep her monthly/every other month as a touchstone around my eating issues once all other things had gotten addressed).

And no T hasn't said anything to indicate these beliefs. In fact, we've been discussion increasing sessions and moving more psychoanalysis/analytical.

I feel like I'm not living a life. That what people see is not me, that I'm not allowed to live.

You thanked me for sharing. I talk to you about not wanting to be in reality. You ask me what that would look like for a day. I paused thinking a day? I don’t want to live in reality at all. I told you that I just want to stay in bed. Really with blanket over my head or in a fort. You said that in my mentality of coping mechanisms, a day in bed is pretty safe, as long as it doesn't become 40 days. You said that you’d prefer it not to be Monday.

What I really imagine not in reality to be – I want to go away to some place quiet, some place where the world would slow down for me and there be no demands on me. Some place I can just sit, be quiet, stare out the window or at the wall, and try to let my brain be empty.

You told me to take care of myself, because I’m the only me you have of me. I said something about you liking that statement. You ask me if I am mostly safe. I told you that I was. I told you that I've become more reckless in my driving. That I had noticed that.

I told a friend after session – I'm more at the "there's no point in any of it" headspace ... that killing myself takes too much effort; like death wouldn't get me out of this place either. Thinking about it now, erasing my tracks; erasing any trace of my existence. The I should not exist, that is what I am fighting.

My watched went off and I turned it off. I said sorry, my alarm. You acknowledged.

Talked about the puzzle. I asked you what you thought about my puzzle idea. You ask if I meant writing on it, I said yes. You said something about it being a good idea or you liking it. You say or do something that indicate confusion on which puzzle one I was talking about regarding writing on it and which one I meant ready to put away. I clarify that I meant to take a piece from the puzzle under the couch and to box away the one on the shelf. You say that you are not sure if you are ready to put it away. You said that we should take it apart together. You said something about the glow in the dark part being some type of representation of us or something. I’m not sure I asked or said something about the space being left open for a while. I said I didn’t know if I was really ready for it to go away or if it was just part of me wanting to box things up.

Somewhere towards the later part of the session, we talk about me not playing lately in session. This was in reference to not being able to feel “fun”. You commented on me not coloring last time. I said that it was too hard. I meant too much effort. And when I brought the remote-control cars in, I couldn’t play with them. You say something about it being a tough winter.

Pauses and things said - I again didn’t want to tell you I love you. I tell you that I don’t want to say it. You say it’s ok, you know. I say I’ll be mad at myself later if I don’t say it.

me: I love you
you: I know
me: I’m scared

I get up and head towards the door. I’m about half way there when I tell you that my weight has reached 195lbs, that’s how well I’m doing. You acknowledged my statement. I continue to the door. Good byes, see you Monday’s. I think about the filing cabinet as I leave. I don’t touch it. It’s there and I’m here, mentality. I got up the stairs and saw the clock say 6pm. I felt good that I only took 50 mins of your time; that I didn’t stay over, given how late I was. There was no one waiting when I came out of the office so I also didn’t feel bad for pushing the time or leaving you no time between.

I head to the car feeling lost – defeated and lost – lighter. Or maybe just lost in my head. Everything from the session just a big bubble of random statements of what was said without context or cohesion. Once home, I try to dictate the session, it is not going well and I stop. I’m mentally/emotionally exhausted and can’t focus.

Oh.. the you go away book:
https://books.google.com/books/about...page&q&f=false

There are a few different versions, this is the one I have.

Elio, I can't wait until your T goes and then comes back. I'm worried you feel that you are slipping, and I am glad you exist and for the traces of your existence.

Thank you. I just had big light bulb moment. I'm still emotionally charged from it, at the same time it's put a new spin on things; a better understanding.

I had always known my Uncle Robert lived with us when I was little and that at one point my parents got mad at him because he wouldn't go get a job so they kicked him out and he enlisted in the Navy. When he was discharged, he had married (or met the person he was going to marry). He never lived with us again. I had also known that I had a connection to him and took his leaving very hard.

This weekend, I found out that he was actually there from the time I was born until I was about 2 yrs old. The realization came from the thought/feeling that when he left, I didn't hear from him again... he was just gone and when he did come back it was as if he didn't know me. That I felt like I didn't exist for him while he was gone; he had forgotten me. This is all from the eyes and feelings of a child.

So - T is going far far away (this part says) and she won't be back, not in the same way, she'll forget all about me as if I don't exist ... and such.

It helps knowing where this is coming from and I see T tomorrow, last visit before her trip. She has offered a video visit while she is gone and I think this would be a good thing. I'll talk more with her on if she still thinks it's a good thing based on today's connections.

This stuff is so hard sometimes. Oh and there's lots of other stuff that happened to me between my 2nd and 3rd birthdays that are attachment based stuff.

Thank you for caring. All of you.

ETA: she leaves Tuesday and will be back for my following Monday session

i was asked to create something to be displayed in a place visited by at least thousands of people a year .i was telling my therapist about it and she was completely impressed . then she asked me if i had always been so creative ? i thought about it and said i have no idea .it wasnt like i had a childhood that i would draw a pic and the mother would tell me how wonderful it was and hang it on the refrigerator. she asked,how about school? again i thought and said nope i never did much in school either .i was mostly to stressed to concentrate on anything .that made me so sad. i never did anything creative as a child ,it was all just so bleak, drawing or expressing any creativity never entered my mind . in fact i never expressed any creativity other then writing until after i was married to my husband. even now i dont see myself as all that creative . i wonder how creative i would have been if i had a mother who encouraged my creativity and allowed me the confidence needed to explore my creativity . anyway just a sad thought i keep having pop in my head . stupid isnt it ?

Not at all stupid. I think it is thoughts of the life we could have had. Who could we have been if our parents had been ... the type of parents we needed them to be. So not stupid.

I have very similar thoughts around my interests in math and science. My dad is/was very traditional in terms of his beliefs about women's place in the world and my mother has learning disabilities, so while my mom was proud of my academic achievements, neither of them showed interests in or provided opportunities so that I could grow beyond what the classes offered and neither of them advocated for me when I was frustrated by the limitations offered. I'm not even sure they knew how much Math I had to repeat because of the way the school system taught Math.

Granite you ARE a creative and talented person. It is awful that you were not supported when you were young to say the least!

Maybe the pent up energy and creativity has just been waiting for a time in your life where you can really shine.

Ack.

Got a call at 7am saying that my pdoc had to cancel our appointment today. And because my life is awkward and some of *my* patients also see pdoc (I'm also a doctor, though not in psych, and b/c of my weird insurance sitch I have to see shrinx within the hospital system where I work) I got a notification that he's out unexpectedly for several weeks.

That's never good.

I'm curious about why b/c I am a nosy human... but even with that curiosity, I do NOT want to know why b/c if I know and it's something like he got super sick or someone died (which really are the only things that can suddenly take you out of work for a few *weeks*, right?) then I'll feel like I have to take care of him. And if I feel like I hafta take care of him, I can't get angry at him for being an imbecile sometimes, which he is.

Shouldn't be too hard to remain ignorant, though maybe I should tell some of my psych friends that he is my pdoc so they don't let it slip over lunch or something.

Gah.

(I dunno if it's okay to put a session-that-was-cancelled-today in this thread? If not, lmk.)

Apologies in advance for how fragmented this may all come out. And, also, TW for the content - nothing graphic, I promise.

I wasn't expecting to go into therapy tonight and tell C I'd recovered any memories - let alone any sexually explicit memories - let alone (again) ones from childhood. I'm shaky at the moment, really. And desperately hoping he responds to the email I already sent him in the midst of my shame storm.

These memories are from the 10 year old. I mean, from me...when I was 10. They aren't necessarily new memories - it's just I never really recognized them as what they were. That sounds really ridiculous...I have spent years in therapy. I know what sex is. I know what "something's not right" sexual things are. And yet, I never connected the dots.

I cannot even begin to explain the state I was in in therapy (mentally/parts-wise speaking or whatever...I really don't know. I don't know.) I wish C could've helped me figure it out, but maybe it didn't matter. He did bring up his "d-word feelings" saying that he was feeling them, but didn't elaborate on what that meant, because I was seriously right on the edge and basically sending a million "please don't say anything kind" signals. I couldn't connect with myself - at all. I hurt, but my head was silent.

My feelings were inaccessible. Everything felt unreal ...disconnected... wrong. And, yet, I didn't get frustrated and angry like I thought I would. 13 is good at coming out full force in moments like that -- when words aren't working. But, no 13. No anger at all. No connection between any parts, no discussion, no weighing in, I couldn't tell who I was other than not me - 10, 6...I don't know.

I told C about some of the ages - I hadn't told him about that - that some of the parts have ages. I rambled a lot...

I want C...

I don't see him again til Friday, and it feels impossible to breathe. I need C. I need him to email me back, and I know he eventually will, but I need him now.

My therapy session last week was when I talked to my psychotherapist talked about my issues with my relationships with my sister , my man and my womenfriends. Especially one of my womenfriends who criticized me very furiously. she accused me of monopolising her boyfriend with my conversing with him The problem is she didn't mention this until several years past the incident so no idea how true it is what she said I mentioned to my therapist how my friend could chastise me over something that I couldn't possibly remember any detail. Told the therapist my fear of my friend mentionig other incidents that are in my distant pass and no way to respond.

Since we're on page 100, I created a new In Session Today thread:

In Session Today: Part IV

Don't think it's stupid at all. For me healing from CSA has included being sad about what I might have done/become if that experience hadn't derailed me. I wonder if I would have followed my creative spirit (writing) rather than academic pursuits. In other ways-- I suspect this is true for many survivors-- that experience gave me other skills/interests/yearnings that led me to the career I have now, where I am able to help other survivors. And I'm now working on a creative writing project, so it's never too late.

Congratulations on your awesome creative achievements, too.