Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Oof.......
((((HUGS))))
I have a lot of thoughts/feelings, but I don't want to project my own stuff onto you.
So just (((HUGS)))

Thanks, TMC. I think he's just trying to be straightforward with me, like he promised to me, but it's also really difficult. Especially for him to tell me that right before he's going away, which I'm already struggling with (and he doesn't seem to understand why...). I really hope I can get him to understand and accept and validate the attachment stuff. Because I do like him as a T in many ways...but it's also a huge adjustment from MC to him (I know I should say from ex-T to him, but no, in reality, it's MC to him). And MC was/is bad for me in many ways. But he was (is?) also so accepting of me and my attachment and, until recently, any outside contact. And so I miss that. I miss the reassurance (even though...that was ultimately probably bad for me, too).

But like I said, I do want to make this work with T because I feel like he has the potential to really help me...but I also need to feel accepted and not shamed, no matter how attached I am. I need him to understand that I'm shifting from MC who, for several years, basically had no outside contact boundaries to someone who has fairly clear ones (though apparently not clear enough to me!) As much as T says I think about the relationship more than any other client...I know I need to talk about it more with him. Because I need to feel safe and secure with him (well, as safe and secure as I'm able to be...) to really do the work...

I guess what I want to say, LT, is that I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. Sure, at the end of the day, your T has to be clear about his feelings and boundaries, because the only way this really works is if the T's feelings and boundaries are condusive to it as well. (No T can or should force themselves to be comfortable with deep attachment work; it won't work.) It just hurts my heart, because I can't help but think how I'd feel if C said those things to me... and because I also know he wouldn't (or at least not most of them; he's told me I've frustrated him...actually, i think he said annoyed...I've definitely annoyed him, and that was really really hard for me) Anyways, point is that I know there are Ts who would absolutely do the kind of work with you that your'e looking for, so it hurts my heart for you some to see this T who I know you're already attached to maybe not knowing much about attachment work. I want a really really solid attachment work T for you, because I know that shame storm, and I also know it's undeserved -- your needs aren't shameful. Missing your T isn't shameful. Needing him isn't shameful. Reaching out and saying "please be there" isn't shameful or bad or wrong.

I have only ever hugged S.

C offered a hug a while back...months ago...at the end of an intense double session, but I told him I wasn't there yet. And, I wasn't. I wanted to hug S...not C. But, lately, the urge has been an urge to hug C specifically. So...maybe someday.

Every step closer to C feels like a step away from S, though, so I resist these things.

I totally get your struggles with attachment. I’m there. I have a therapist with pretty tight boundaries- she is only available during office hours, and I am allowed to call her vm anytime, but she doesn’t reply or answer messages until she’s back in the office, which is only three days a week. That’s it. No email, no texts. That said, she does tell me some details about trips, and time away, but she says that’s because of the length of time I’ve been seeing her and my struggles.

Anyway, the point of me saying that is to hopefully show that I understand how hard it is. It can be devastating to never get a reply to my desperate vms, or have no way of contact. Yet on some level, it actually is healthier for me. I’ve had to learn to cope, and struggle. It’s not a lack of caring or concern on her part, it’s just boundaries. And the nice part about them is that it is consistent, even if I think they suck sometimes.

In moving from mc/ex-t you’ve learned and grown a great deal- or at least it seems so from your posts. But one thing I’ve seen come up as a theme is that you seem to want specific responses from people. If they don’t answer with the wording you like, you understandably get upset (as I would too) but then you will email/text/ask for a session until you get what you want. I don’t mean that in a harsh or uncaring way at all. It seems like language is really important for you and you are asking to get your needs met, which is great, but at the same time- life and people aren’t like that. I don’t think your T was trying to be uncaring or insensitive by his email. In his own way, in a style that he feels comfortable with, he was trying to reassure you. So for him, he really didn’t understand why you were so upset. Not because he lacks thoughtfulness or awareness, but because he acknowledged your concerns. It just wasn’t the exact answer you wanted. Maybe it’s something to think about?

Again, wishing you the best and not meaning to criticize at all.

My t has called me something like intrusive. He said i barrage him and pressure him to respond. But, that was true. Yeah it hurt a lot to hear that, of course. But i needed to hear it. I knew it anyway and still didn't stop. He's said he doesn't appreciate my hostility, and he said something like he won't respond to emotional manipulation. He's been harsh with me before. It stings each time, I don't know why i don't learn

I worry you're setting yourself up for failure by getting into attachment work with this therapist

Thank you for contacting me t. Even when you don’t know what to say you help me settle down. I’m trying to learn how to do this myself this week was just particularly hard.

I agree with this as well, LT. Maybe what felt intrusive was the "please" text just 30 minutes later? I am guessing he responds to texts when he sees them. I am pretty sure my T turns her phone off at certain points of the night/weekends, and only checks once or twice a day. So if I text, I just anxiously await a response, but I do know one will come.
I am too, a little bit.

Thanks, TMC. I definitely need to talk about this some more with him. In talking with someone else about it, I also mentioned the shame thing, and they asked if I'd specifically told him I felt shame when he said things like how I think about the relationship with him more than any of his other clients. And I realized I hadn't used that term with him. And I think I need to tell him that. I know the shame in part comes from some other place (see: childhood), but I also know that if I'm feeling that in therapy, it's going to make me hold back and not feel like I can be completely open with him.

I just feel like I need him to understand and validate those feelings. I don't think it's that hard to understand why a client who sees you weekly (or, lately, twice a week) would have issues with a T being away. I feel like when I talked about some of the attachment stuff with him a few weeks ago--when I sent him a long e-mail about it, and he said he'd rather talk in person--that he got it, and I felt like we could work together on this. But then...something about his going out of town triggered other stuff, and...honestly, the vast majority of the regular session Friday (that I never wrote up) was really good and helpful. It was just a thing or two at the end related to him going out of town (particularly his being evasive about why he was going--work or fun--or any suggestion of where--like West Coast? Africa?) upset me. And then there was his clueless response to my e-mail about that...

It's like I keep having doubts, then will be like, "OK, this can work," then will have doubts again. I don't know if that's part of me pushing through an insecure attachment, following an unhealthy attachment to MC, with someone who has a different style. Or if it means I'm with the wrong T.

I don't know...I feel like in some ways I need to work with a male to figure out this male authority figure stuff (plus I feel more comfortable talking to guys), but not that many are jumping out at me on the Psychology Today search (and I'm in an area with lots of T's, not like I'm in small-town Wyoming or something). There was one other guy I was considering at the time, but he's in practice with his wife (I think? Or sister, I guess?) and went to seminary, and I'm not religious, so... Do I try another female? Stick with current T for a bit and see?

LT: I hope what I wrote you don't see as judging, because I am not.

I do think maybe that your T hasn't experienced this level of attachment so quickly before, and it has thrown him a bit. I also think that he seems to really think about what you tell him, and adjust accordingly. I do like him based on what you have said. It makes sense to me that your senses are heightened in a manner because of everything that has happened with MC. You are already hyper-aware of people's responses I feel, and may be extra heightened with this T right now.

Just my opinion, of course

I also agree that you shouldn't feel ashamed for having these feelings, though I understand why you might.

Thanks, Mully. I'm not seeing this as a criticism. It helps to have people point out patterns like that. I think it's just hard because MC was (is? we did have an exchange earlier this week) often so good at saying what I felt I wanted/needed to hear that it's hard switching to someone who either doesn't know what I want or isn't willing to give it. At the same time...I know that MC's frequent reassurance, while feeling good at the time, wasn't ultimately helping me in the long run. So, as much as I want to have those feelings, I also know that just looking for a T who tells me what I want to hear won't help me make progress.

You make a good point in saying that maybe T was trying to reassure me, but just in a less obvious way than MC. Like, it was nice to hear MC say he'd never abandon or reject me...but I also knew someone can't realistically make those sorts of promises in a professional relationship (different for, say, actual parent and child). So when T won't make promises like that to me, in some ways it hurts, but in other ways, it feels safer because he's not making promises he can't keep.

And if I say, for example, that if he's seeing me multiple times a week, I worry he'll get sick of me, I want him to say, "Of course I'm not sick of you. I like working with you." But instead, he'll say something like, "You're my job." In the sense of, it doesn't matter if he's sick of me or not, I'm paying him for his time, he's going to work with me. When I talked to my H about it, he referred to the furnace repair guy, and said that guy isn't going to be like, "Ugh, I'm so sick of these broken furnaces! And I had to go back to one a second time this week!" If he does, he needs to change jobs (same as a T).

But I think this is a good topic to bring up with T--I'll add it to the my insanely long list. Because learning to deal with not getting the exact response I want from him should also help me with that in real life.

Nice, H! I agree with that analogy. Not all T's (or people) are going to give such reassurances like MC did. And just saying "it's my job" also doesn't mean that you are just a paycheck to him.

Thanks, jDNA. I worry, too...my intent wasn't really to go into attachment work, but I think the combo of leaving ex-T and being close to leaving MC is making me really...for lack of a better word, attachment-y. I need someone there to be a stable base for me, in a sense, as I'm making that transition away from MC. I think part of why I ended up e-mailing MC earlier this week is because of those doubts--and also because T is out of town.

I think I need to talk to him some more about it. Just be honest that I need a T who can help me make that transition. Like I don't want to just shift all my attachment for MC onto him--especially if he can't handle it. But I need someone to help make me less dependent on authority figures. To get there though, I'll need validation and acceptance. I need him to just be like, "Yep, LT is going to be rather attached to me and that's OK and I can deal with it and take whatever she throws at me." That's what I need to hear, I think. Because as much as he's said a couple times that if I become attached, it's not like he's just going to drop me (or that he can't ethically abandon me--like yeah, that doesn't help to hear!)...I need to feel it, to genuinely believe it. I need to know he'll be in it for the long haul, whatever that entails, which might include the random intrusive text or needy e-mails or whatever. And he needs to be honest with me whether he feels OK with that...

I know we’re not supposed to respond to posts here, but LT, how are you going to get over being less dependent on authority figures when you need validation and acceptance from an authority figure?

Went ahead and started new Dear T

Dear T XXX version

Responding in Dear T XXX