[Loco4]

Around this time last year my T moved to another practice, with the same service but different location. Shortly after she also revealed that she was engaged. At the time this really shook me, too much change. I was worried of being abandoned, that she would move further away, or start a family.

Ever since then I’ve had trouble connecting with T. I’ve been keeping distance both consciously and unconsciously. See before she moved I was really reliant on T and it was unhealthy for me. We had regular session and would usually have contact in between. I would search T up online and look at her Facebook, she knew about that. I also knew where she lived and would drive past her house sometimes, she didn’t know that. I’m actually glad that has stopped it was going too far.

Anyway when she got engaged and moved our session became further apart. Contact between sessions also changed, I have only contacted about 3 times throughout the whole year. In session, I felt like there’s been more distance and less caring and connection. I’ve started finding it hard to talk to T and I am uncomfortable in sessions.

Today we spoke about this, about where we are at with therapy and how things our between us. We agreed that we were at somewhat of an impasse. We spoke about my fear of therapy ending abruptly or losing T. I feel I’m not ready for that yet, T says she won’t push me out.

Towards the end T states she wants to be transparent and says that soon she will be trying to get pregnant. She said she might not be able to due to her age, but it’s a possibility. She also said she’s not entirely happy at the practice and make move to another, mostly like in the city. She said I could go there it would just mean a further drive. T said neither may happen or they might, she just wants to be transparent.

These were my two exact fears 12 months ago. I totally withdrew after T said this, said I was quitting now. T asked me to thing about it and reminded me of how I just said I wouldn’t want things to end badly. She tried to remind me of how much we’ve done together and how she cares, I just scoffed at her.

I did agree to at least go to my next session and to write the pros and cons of staying or quitting now. At first I was sure I was going to cut T off then and there. After sitting on it throughout the day I’m not so sure. I guess I have three weeks until our next session to think about it.

I wanted to quit now as I’m already cut off it will be easier. I don’t know if I could deal with T taking maternity leave. If she moves it will be an hours drive each way, and likely a more expensive practice. It would totally be ending things on a bad note though and just repeating patterns of my past relationships.

But what if I stay... lately I’ve had sessions 5 weeks apart and in session I’m a nervous wreck. I could only have a handful of bad sessions left and then be left alone.

Has anyone else experienced ending therapy abruptly? What made you decide to call it quits?

I ended abruptly via email because I couldn't manage the pain of maternal transference. I also couldn't manage the pain of having severed the relationship so I went back.

Do you think that having long stretches between sessions is impacting on your ability to relax into the relationship with her? Irregular sessions would certainly reinforce any trust issues I was experiencing.

[Loco4]

Originally Posted by long_gone

I ended abruptly via email because I couldn't manage the pain of maternal transference. I also couldn't manage the pain of having severed the relationship so I went back.


Do you think that having long stretches between sessions is impacting on your ability to relax into the relationship with her? Irregular sessions would certainly reinforce any trust issues I was experiencing.

Yes I do feel that the irregular sessions don’t help, but I don’t sense that there’s any possibility of getting a regular session. If I do decide to stay I may asked about it!

I am very concerned I will regret my decision if I leave. I don’t think I would cope well leaving things like this.

Originally Posted by Loco4

Yes I do feel that the irregular sessions don’t help, but I don’t sense that there’s any possibility of getting a regular session. If I do decide to stay I may asked about it!

I am very concerned I will regret my decision if I leave. I don’t think I would cope well leaving things like this.

I think if that is your feeling now, you should listen to yourself. You can leave in a planned and considered way, it doesn't have to be an abrupt end. You can also change your mind at any point (even if you leave abruptly and want to go back). I think I needed to experience what it would be like to leave in order to realise that it was too painful for me.

[ElectricManatee]

It really bothers me when therapists aren't more careful with revealing giant life changes to their clients. Obviously all these changes are likely to be disruptive and stir up unpleasant feelings for you. I especially don't think it's fair that she told you way ahead of time about things that may or may not even happen! If you're not getting the safety and predictability that you need from this therapist, then I think it would make sense to consider moving on. But if you aren't ready to do that, then I hope she can help you manage this transition, however it goes.

[kecanoe]

Ex T told me way in advance that he was going to retire. I think he said that it would be in the next 12-18 months. He was definite that he was going to retire, so that is a little different from your situation. For about 6-8 months, I continued to see him twice weekly in an effort to resolve my feelings about this. He agreed then that continuing to see him was just retraumatizing me, we talked that session about how I would handle a final session. The next session he went over some testing that I had done for most of the hour. I had H with, which was one of the things that I said I would do for a last session so that I would get home safely (I dissociate and didn't want to end up lost somewhere). With just a couple of minutes left, he asked if I wanted this to be my last session, I said that I didn't want that, but it would be. I left.

I don't think I would ever have been ok with it. For me, it was abandonment. I was seeing other Ts at the time, that was helpful.

It was painful, but not as painful as going in twice a week knowing that he was leaving.

Originally Posted by Loco4

Yes I do feel that the irregular sessions don’t help, but I don’t sense that there’s any possibility of getting a regular session. If I do decide to stay I may asked about it!

I am very concerned I will regret my decision if I leave. I don’t think I would cope well leaving things like this.

Sorry that you are going through this frustration. If it were me I would ask about regular sessions before making the decision to continue.

[bobcat21]

I’ve honestly thought about this. I am getting to the point where I am frustrated with my T she refuses to change my medication and constantly judges everything I do like why did you do that?? I see her next week and honestly if she doesn’t change her tune I can get my medication from my Primary doctor and still do DBT and CBT since she never did it anyways. I used to enjoy our therapy sessions but it is getting to point where I quit therapy because it is a constant battle. I am scared of the outcome of how she’ll react when I say well it just seems like you aren’t here for me anymore so should I stay or should I Go?

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by Loco4

Has anyone else experienced ending therapy abruptly? What made you decide to call it quits?

Have I ever. Abuptendings should have been my screen name. I think my situations were different than yours (same day termination in one case, a move out of state in another, another one that quit practicing), but the closest was one who gave a few months notice about a move. I quit immediately, thinking that the remaining months would be useless. And then, right when she was scheduled to move, I suddenly wanted an appointment. It turned out she was delayed, so I was able to get a few, and I'm glad. The sessions themselves were not very helpful, but what they did was allow me to adjust to the ending.

Based on that experience, I would say three things:
1) This therapist seems too unreliable to make indefinite or long term therapy viable.
2) You don't have to decide right away. If you want to have a non-abrupt ending, then scheduling a few that are far out might be one way to go about it. If she gets pregnant, she'll still practice for a while; and if she moves, the extra drive might not be a big burden if it's not a regular thing.
3) While you are phasing her out, you can transition to another (if you're up for that), which will make quitting this one go easier.

[Sheffield]

I made the decision to end abruptly after finding once fortnightly sessions increasingly more painful and time consuming to recover from-the contrast between a therapy hour and the life I had to go back to was so great and the going over and over what I did/didn't say what he did/didn't say or mean etc what I forgot to say and was going to say next time-these thoughts were as intrusive and unrelenting as those related to the issues I went to therapy with-i Felt as if I was being allowed to become a self indulgent attention seeking monster in session and I hated it-so much planned to say for next session in 2 weeks that when I got there I couldn't stop talking-no listening-no thinking-just verbal vomit and it scared me
I formally wrote to 't'-short and honest-that I felt he rightly was not there to tell me what to do but that I felt he should have at least made an attempt to stop me getting in my own way and that this was not the "kind ending" we all are entitled to expect-I also said that I acknowledged always the generosity of his time/help/humanity etc but that I couldn't and wouldn't set foot in his office again
The result was extraordinary-we met to shake hands and say goodbye-no tears no drama BUT he removed his therapists hat completely and we ended up talking for 2 hrs as human beings-
We now are allowing the therapeutic relationship to evolve naturally with absolute and immediate if brutal honesty and my respect for him and myself has increased hugely-this is by far the strongest and most positive "rupture' I have ever allowed myself to take part in with anybody and for that I will always be grateful -I have no idea how this will unfold and I would be lying if I said that I'm not attached to him/think about him every day/would like to be friends etc but the intrusive obsessive thoughts about my therapy have definitely reduced

[Moment]

Did she also mention that she might randomly get hit by a bus? I mean, she wants to be transparent, right? I don't get this! Why is she bringing up all these things that "might" happen?

What I don't understand is why your session frequency changed so radically. It does not sound like it is working for you. It sounds to me like the change in session frequency has made you feel "abandoned" and that has stifled your ability to open up in session.

Now you are looking ahead to more potential "abandonment" and focusing on things that might not even happen.

Getting married and having a baby does not mean that anyone a person knew before is "abandoned." Love is not a finite resource; it simply does not work that way. I have married and had babies and it has not damaged or affected how I feel about other people; my relationships with other people in my life are still important to me and very real. If someone moves to a new location that is not convenient, that is a bummer, but it is not an "abandonment."

I do not think you should abruptly leave your therapist. I think you guys need to talk about all of this. It seems to me that talking all this through is the real work of therapy. If there is no way to get more frequent sessions, this therapist may not be the right one for you in the long term, but I don't think you should be thinking of this in terms of an abandonment and I think you should see your therapist long enough to process all this.

[Loco4]

Originally Posted by Moment

Did she also mention that she might randomly get hit by a bus? I mean, she wants to be transparent, right? I don't get this! Why is she bringing up all these things that "might" happen?


What I don't understand is why your session frequency changed so radically. It does not sound like it is working for you. It sounds to me like the change in session frequency has made you feel "abandoned" and that has stifled your ability to open up in session.


Now you are looking ahead to more potential "abandonment" and focusing on things that might not even happen.


Getting married and having a baby does not mean that anyone a person knew before is "abandoned." Love is not a finite resource; it simply does not work that way. I have married and had babies and it has not damaged or affected how I feel about other people; my relationships with other people in my life are still important to me and very real. If someone moves to a new location that is not convenient, that is a bummer, but it is not an "abandonment."


I do not think you should abruptly leave your therapist. I think you guys need to talk about all of this. It seems to me that talking all this through is the real work of therapy. If there is no way to get more frequent sessions, this therapist may not be the right one for you in the long term, but I don't think you should be thinking of this in terms of an abandonment and I think you should see your therapist long enough to process all this.

Actually she did mention getting hit by a bus

I guess for me having my T potentially taking maternity leave does feel like abandonment. She would be leaving for a significant amount of time. We also do quite a bit of limited reparenting work. So while my adult self agrees with what you said, there’s a child part of me that is upset that her baby will get what I will never have, a loving nurturing caring mother. While I will simultaneously lose the closet thing I have to a healthy caring adult in my life for an amount of time.

[Loco4]

It’s been a week and I’m still not doing very well in general. Another two weeks until my next appointment with T. I am thinking about calling to be put on the cancellation list for a sooner appointment, but am not sure if that would be okay...

Not really sure what to do at the moment!