[Merope]

Had a panic attack today triggered by a sudden fear that I’ll never see T face to face ever again. It’s unreasonable but I feel triggered by something. Don’t know why after 5 months of being ok with video therapy this has hit me. I’ve been hiding in the toilet at work for the better part of an hour. I don’t know how to get out of this mindset.

[chihirochild]

I'm so sorry, Merope--panic attacks are awful.

Sometimes this helps me when I'm panicking.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Five months is a long time so maybe you've used up all your ways of coping with the teletherapy situation. Panic attacks are normally a sign of overwhelm. I know from your posts how painful it is not being able to see your T in person and I absolutely get it as I found it hard enough when my sessions were via skype I can't remember how much you've shared with your T but if you feel able to I honestly think it would be a good idea to tell him how much you're struggling with not being able to see him in person. It's clearly really affecting your mental health so it's important for him to know. Obviously he might not be willing or able to change the situation but maybe he can help you cope with your feelings better or even suggest when your in person sessions can resume. Often the not knowing is the hardest thing. I really hope you'll be okay.

[Merope]

Thank you! I did speak to him about it on a few occasions. He’s always reassuring that he’ll go back to f2f at some point. I think my anxiety is making me think otherwise....I could be washing the dishes and something will remind me of him, and the question “omg, will we ever be in the same room again” pops in my mind and sets me into a vicious cycle. That’s how the panic attack started yesterday....I wasn’t even thinking about him, but I got an email from the clinic I see him at in which they said they found it “impossible” to find a way to allow f2f yet. I’m sure they’ll go back at some point, but I worry it’ll be a year or longer as they have no incentive. I reckon a lot of the people he sees aren’t bothered by f2f, but for me, the relational side is so important I feel like I’m suffering from withdrawal symptoms. I think I’ve finally snapped after five months and it feels horrible and dangerous and like I can’t do it.

I want to talk to him about it some more, but I’m scared I’ll come across as selfish and unappreciative and that he’ll get annoyed with me for being so needy. I just hate this so much.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

This is probably an absolute no-go but is there any way your T could see you privately? I know that's probably a lot more money even if possible... I'm only asking because I think most agencies here in UK are reluctant to see people face to face at the moment (understandably) but private therapists have more leeway if they are home based. I see my T privately and we made the decision for me to resume face to face as I was struggling so much. She still sees her other clients via teletherapy so either they're not bothered or they don't feel comfortable seeing T in person yet.

I know why you're so worried about telling him the extent of how you feel but I don't honestly think your T will find you selfish or unappreciative. Teletherapy is hard for many people especially in context with anxieties over the pandemic and the uncertainties about the future. It's only natural to want some in person connection with a safe person right now. Teletherapy isn't the same by any stretch. I absolutely hated it because I felt more disconnected from T. I hated feeling tearful and having her stare at me via screen rather than in person. Ugh. I know it's really difficult and I'm sure your T will understand that.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

This is probably an absolute no-go but is there any way your T could see you privately? I know that's probably a lot more money even if possible... I'm only asking because I think most agencies here in UK are reluctant to see people face to face at the moment (understandably) but private therapists have more leeway if they are home based. I see my T privately and we made the decision for me to resume face to face as I was struggling so much. She still sees her other clients via teletherapy so either they're not bothered or they don't feel comfortable seeing T in person yet.

I know why you're so worried about telling him the extent of how you feel but I don't honestly think your T will find you selfish or unappreciative. Teletherapy is hard for many people especially in context with anxieties over the pandemic and the uncertainties about the future. It's only natural to want some in person connection with a safe person right now. Teletherapy isn't the same by any stretch. I absolutely hated it because I felt more disconnected from T. I hated feeling tearful and having her stare at me via screen rather than in person. Ugh. I know it's really difficult and I'm sure your T will understand that.

Thank you for this! I see T privately at a clinic. He practices in various clinics as a private therapist, but also has his own practice. I think I will ask to switch to see him at his own practice if he returns to f2f before the clinic does (which I think is quite likely as he’s fully in control there). He does charge a little more, but at this point I don’t care anymore. I need the connection (if he’s ok with it too, I’d hate to feel like I’m pressuring him).

I think I definitely need to bring it up because it started affecting me quite a lot. I’m ashamed of feeling this strongly about it when there’s a pandemic going round and the world has bigger problems, but I’ll probably be unable to function if I don’t say something.

[nottrustin]

I understand what you are going through. It is difficult and at least for me I feel like we are losing connection. Slowly the trust and connection is fading away. Yet I am stuck. She is in private practice and does not plan to return to the office anytime soon. A few weeks ago she said she suspected it may be next spring or summer. I am losing faith in that. I do not see an end to teletherapy. I start to wonder if she really will go back. Shr seems to enjoy eating lunch at home with her family, seeing her child during lunch or between appointments if she has a cancellation, etc. Yhis cause me to downward spiral a bit and yes start having a lot of anxiety.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I understand what you are going through. It is difficult and at least for me I feel like we are losing connection. Slowly the trust and connection is fading away. Yet I am stuck. She is in private practice and does not plan to return to the office anytime soon. A few weeks ago she said she suspected it may be next spring or summer. I am losing faith in that. I do not see an end to teletherapy. I start to wonder if she really will go back. Shr seems to enjoy eating lunch at home with her family, seeing her child during lunch or between appointments if she has a cancellation, etc. Yhis cause me to downward spiral a bit and yes start having a lot of anxiety.

I’m so sorry you’re going though this. I think I’d feel abandoned if my T decided to switch to video for good. Maybe this is just a phase for your T and when we all go back to normal, she’ll change her mind. She may like it in terms of lifestyle, but I don’t think many clients will prefer video over f2f.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by Merope

Thank you for this! I see T privately at a clinic. He practices in various clinics as a private therapist, but also has his own practice. I think I will ask to switch to see him at his own practice if he returns to f2f before the clinic does (which I think is quite likely as he’s fully in control there). He does charge a little more, but at this point I don’t care anymore. I need the connection (if he’s ok with it too, I’d hate to feel like I’m pressuring him).

I think I definitely need to bring it up because it started affecting me quite a lot. I’m ashamed of feeling this strongly about it when there’s a pandemic going round and the world has bigger problems, but I’ll probably be unable to function if I don’t say something.

I'm so glad you have that option! Hopefully knowing that is helpful in some small way. I know how important the connection can be as it's like that with my T - we agreed that I needed to see her in person and I don't care what anyone says or thinks about it, it was the right decision for me and I'm thankful I have a T who understood that and was willing to provide it in the context of her ability to offer it. It sounds from what you've said that your T understands how hard it is for you so I think being honest with him will be helpful for you both. Regardless of what is going on with other people/ the world, you're entitled to have your feelings and struggles and they matter too.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by Merope

I’m so sorry you’re going though this. I think I’d feel abandoned if my T decided to switch to video for good. Maybe this is just a phase for your T and when we all go back to normal, she’ll change her mind. She may like it in terms of lifestyle, but I don’t think many clients will prefer video over f2f.

It really bothers me when I read some organisations saying that people should get used to an online way of working. It works for some people but I also can't see that many therapy clients would prefer it and there's a real danger of depersonalising the whole therapy experience. At the end of the day it's a relationship and it's just not the same communicating via screen. And people suffering from CPTSD, trauma, complicated grief etc are unlikely to feel the same benefits from teletherapy as they would sitting in the room with someone. This is a whole topic of its own but hopefully all this is a phase in time until we get the virus under control rather than a whole new way of working, at least in this field.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

It really bothers me when I read some organisations saying that people should get used to an online way of working. It works for some people but I also can't see that many therapy clients would prefer it and there's a real danger of depersonalising the whole therapy experience. At the end of the day it's a relationship and it's just not the same communicating via screen. And people suffering from CPTSD, trauma, complicated grief etc are unlikely to feel the same benefits from teletherapy as they would sitting in the room with someone. This is a whole topic of its own but hopefully all this is a phase in time until we get the virus under control rather than a whole new way of working, at least in this field.

I agree. It can’t be a one size fits all approach, that’s just not realistic.

I found a study recently in which lots of psychotherapists were asked about their perception and experience of video therapy during covid-19. I was pleased to see that the vast majority saw it as a temporary fix that isn’t as effective as f2f. Many were eager to return I think. I’ll try to find the link.

[*Beth*]

If you're unreasonable, so am I. I, too, have a sense of panic about never seeing my therapist in person again. She might well retire before we do any f2f. It's discouraging, but I'm doing my best to take each day as it comes without getting wrapped up in what might be.