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SalingerEsme
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Default May 24, 2018 at 09:01 PM
  #41
Perfect news!

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Default May 25, 2018 at 01:44 AM
  #42
I'm really happy for you!

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LabRat27
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Heart May 12, 2019 at 10:25 PM
  #43
It’s now officially been more than a year.
It doesn’t feel like it was nearly that long ago. But it also feels like forever ago.

I was back in the ER a few months ago for a kidney infection that was worsening despite antibiotics. I think the last time I was there for SH was June or July? I didn’t expect the strength of the memories associated with it. I actually started crying because I realized I really didn’t want to ever go back to the way things were at that point in my life. I think I’d kind of blocked out just how painful that time was.
He doesn't know all the details. I've mentioned more over time, but for the first few months he knew nothing other than that the SH had escalated, I'd ended up in the ER a few more times, and I was anemic. I didn't share more details because there was no reason other than that I wanted to tell him to hurt him. It's not that I feel I need to protect him, but I don't want to tell him with intent to hurt him.

I’m still not over this whole thing. In our most recent session I made the bitter comment that “here’s where you tell me you won’t work with me if I continue to hurt myself and I’m on my own again” (and he said he wasn’t going to do that).

I still get angry about it pretty regularly. He’s apologized a million times. He understands how much he ****ed up. He understands the many mistakes he made in handling this.

It's probably been good for me to experience being allowed to be angry and express it in a safe way and have that anger validated. Not that that makes it worth the damage, but a silver lining I guess.
I sometimes wonder where we'd be if he hadn't done this. This whole thing kind of catalyzed the escalation of my SH to the point that I had to get treatment and stop, as opposed to "high functioning" "manageable" SH. I took time off of work/school/lab (same thing) to focus on mental health. I was open with my advisor about what was going on, so he's now aware and has been supportive.
But I also wonder how much more I'd be able to trust my T if he hadn't done this (and I'm still unwilling to work with any other T. It's him or no one)
I guess there's no point in focusing too much on the "what ifs."

I wanted to say thank you to everyone on here who offered support, reassurance, and kind words. I felt like my world was falling apart and it wasn't something I could talk to anyone about in real life. I didn't want to admit how much it mattered to me, and I felt a lot of shame about the whole thing. I felt shame talking to other mental health professionals, like ER psychs doing evals, it felt humiliating to admit what had happened. I think one of the worst things was that everyone asked why he hadn't continued to see me during a transition period and the answer was I don't know with an implied "because I didn't matter enough."
(I never did contact him/his office to ask about that, even though I'd commented here that I planned to. It felt too much like groveling)

The words of support and understanding on here really did mean a lot. It meant that there were people who knew and cared and it was validation that, yeah, it really really hurt.
I kind of disappeared on here for a while after because it hurt too much to see posts about others' relationships with their Ts. But even when I wasn't active the responses I'd gotten helped a bit with shaping how I perceived the whole thing. It helped me get a bit of outside perspective/a reality check on my tendency to convince myself of worse and more distorted conclusions as I sink into self-loathing.

Even just the hugs on the post and knowing that people read it and cared, and on updates, knowing that people were following along and cared about the outcome.
Thank you everyone
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Default May 12, 2019 at 10:41 PM
  #44
Oh, and DBT wasn't magical. Maybe it is for some people, but it didn't teach me any new skills or ways of thinking. The big difference was taking time off from outside stuff and making a commitment and actively working towards change. Up until that point I hadn't been willing to really consider quitting SH or trying to not hate myself. All the intellectual understanding in the world doesn't help if you're not willing to use it. It was the time I put in and putting stuff that I already knew into practice while in a safe environment.
IOP helped stabilize me/my behavior
Possible trigger:

It was only then that I was able to actually dig into some deeper stuff in therapy. And unlock so many super fun childhood memories and realize some underlying core beliefs.
Hoping that digging down into those is like pulling a plant out with its roots rather than just cutting it off at the surface symptom level.
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