In Session Today: Part V

Told t a traumatic memory I remembered, we talked about spirituality a bit, I mentioned some issues with my mom, and updated t on my med change. I left session after 30 minutes since there was nothing else to talk about and t's place is non-profit so I'm not paying to see her. Uneventful session, hoping art t comes back as haven't been getting too far with regular t lately.

(((88Butterfly88)))

We did an odd mix of writing, drawing, and storytelling. As an academic, it was hard to keep from wondering where the heck T was going with this. In stats, we would call this a multitrait, multimethod matrix, and I would be salivating to explore the data. But as the neurotic one, trying her hardest not to blow chunks, it was really, really therapeutic. It enabled me to tell my story without it becoming too much. I felt the fist of terror lessen its grip enough that I could keep breathing. And for me, that's huge.

I looked at him for most of the session again. I like it. His face is more animated than I thought. There also tends to be more lighthearted stuff, like me being a smartass about something and him smiling or being a smartass back.

When he noted that therapy seemed to be helping I said "yeah, fewer ER visits. Actually no ER visits now." He said something like agreeing with that and I gestured to my motorcycle helmet and said "yeah, that's why I got the bike, I figured they'd miss me in the ER" and he genuinely laughed out loud and told me I had a twisted sense of humor.

I talked about anger at myself being my go to response to vulnerability/sadness. I told him about how on the days I'm more vulnerable in session I'm often really irritable once I leave, and I told him about the puppy-like undergrad in the lab who's the only one who doesn't pick up on the fact that I want to be left alone. I mentioned that there was one time I was really angry at everything and the puppy undergrad was like "Hi LabRat!!! Can I ask you for more of your sage advice?" and because you don't kick puppies just because you're in a bad mood I then ended up giving him advice on his personal issue.
I joked to T that "can you believe he comes to me for life advice??" And he pointed out that I probably give good advice and said it would make sense that the undergrad would come to me, and I had to admit that, okay, yes, I often have some insight or perspective and know how to be a helpful understanding person to talk to.
I was kind of joking because I remember thinking grad students were "real adults" and now it's weird to have some undergrad seeing me as a "real adult" and coming to me about this stuff when I clearly don't have my **** together. But it felt nice that T took it seriously instead of just joking about it and that he thought that I'd be a good person for this undergrad to come to for advice.
He sees the most irrational and messy parts of me and I guess it's nice to know that, despite seeing all that, he still thinks I would be a good person for someone else to talk to. That he has respect for me in that way I guess? He doesn't see me as the useless unbalanced crazy person who can't even keep her own life together.

I also told him a bit more about my childhood and the expectations. Not being allowed to stay home sick from school because I was supposed to tough it out, not being allowed to watch TV or play computer games that weren't educational, not being allowed to have candy or pop, having to do pages of math problems on the weekends, the guilt if I did anything I wasn't "allowed" to do.
I said I kind of resented that my parents, my father especially, got what they wanted. T asked if it had been expected of me that I be a scientist and I kind of half smiled and said that, no, any STEM field would have been acceptable. He asked if I was doing this because it was what I wanted and I said yes, and that I enjoy it, but that I'm not sure whether it would have been if my childhood hadn't been like that. He asked me about what I wanted to do after I finish my degree and I said I wasn't sure anymore, talked about the pros and cons of academia vs industry, but that I have years before then anyway.

I asked if most people think they're bad people. He said not most people. And the people who are bad people tend to not think they're bad people. I jokingly responded that that meant that I should keep telling myself I'm a bad person then, that way I wouldn't be a bad person. He laughed and said that I always find a way to do that with the stuff he says.

I told him about having something in lab not work and realizing I'd made a mistake and being annoyed but not telling myself I'm an incompetent idiot and having the urge to hurt myself, which I would have six months ago. He smiled and looked all happy about it and I glared at him and told him I knew he'd respond that way and to not look so happy about it. And he told me that it wasn't about him, it was because he was happy for me, and I was like yeah, I know, exactly. I was mostly teasing and he knew it. But I do feel weird about him being happy about this stuff that I'm so conflicted about.

I don't have an appointment until Wednesday :/ I think I might ask if I could have regular time slots so we don't have this thing where it turns out his schedule already filled up for the days I would have wanted. I have an appointment Friday too, but I'd rather do Mon/Fri or Tues/Fri

At the end he told me to "ride safely" (as he's started doing every time since I started taking my bike), and I told him jokingly that "nah, I'm going to go lane split at 80mph. I have to still be allowed to make some bad choices."

I don't know how I feel about the sessions with this much looking at him and joking and laughing and stuff. It's still only a small portion of the session, but the whole thing feels lighter and less tense in a way. And that scares me. Because I don't want him to think I'm getting better and I don't need him. What if he likes this version better and gets annoyed if I get worse again? What if he cares less?

T Thursday. Will just do really brief recap of this one, then longer one about the extra session yesterday. I had asked someone for their thoughts on how H acted toward D (and me) at times, like with yelling and stuff like that. Something that ex-MC tended to act like was no big deal. (And which T *does* seem to think is a problem.) What that person told me was quite jarring and not what I expected to hear (with words like "emotional abuse" and "leaving"). I'd emailed T about it Wednesday night, and his response included "Yikes--I can see why you would be in turmoil over this."

So Thursday, we talked about that. Lots of stuff about how T thinks H is lacking in emotional intelligence and can't control his emotions (particularly anger and frustration), and just ends up, as he so eloquently put it, "barfing them all over everyone." And that it was akin to a toddler having a tantrum. While I have much higher emotional intelligence. Though sometimes maybe I'm not sure what to do with all of my feelings.

T was also rather critical of ex-MC at one point, saying he'd done a sh**ty job of handling some of the stuff around H's expressing anger in just suggesting it was all OK.

I talked about fears of what would happen if I left H, like fears he'd get primary custody, that he could use my mental health issues against me (T: "That would be a really sh**ty thing to do"), that he'd keep house (he'd already told me once, years ago, when we were having issues that he would), I'd be living in parents' basement, etc. etc. At the end of my listing all those fears, T just went, "Oh my goodness, LT..."

I don't even remember what all we talked about--some of that session is a bit hazy, plus I'm mixing some of it up with our session yesterday. I know we went right up to the hour, and he just sort of wordlessly got out his phone to schedule, and I just...really wish I hadn't had to go then. Like I could have easily talked for another hour. He just said his typical "Good luck out there" when he shook my hand, and this probably sounds so ridiculous, but I just wanted him to say "take care" as he does sometimes right as I'm walking out the door (and I said a thing or two in hopes of drawing that out), but he didn't.

I thought I was OK, went out to get something to eat, ran a couple errands, then on the way home started sobbing. And I ended up crying a bit on couch while D was sitting there. So texted T (it's OK because it was a strictly scheduling question) and asked if he happened to have any openings the next day. He offered 4:30, and I took it. I felt this instant sense of relief that I'd be able to talk about it more soon...

Extra T session yesterday: He got me a few minutes late and apologized. I said was OK. Went back and sat down, few minutes of small talk. He asked what I wanted to talk about. Me: "As in, why did I request an extra session?" T: "Yes." Me: "I mean, I felt generally OK at the end of session, ran some errands, then a few hours later, found myself crying on the way home. And I was crying sitting on the couch with D--I think I concealed it OK. But it showed I obviously wasn't OK. I suspect you weren't surprised when I asked you for another session." T: "No, I wasn't surprised. I was impressed that you didn't bother to clarify that it wasn't about me, like something I'd done or said." Me: "Because it wasn't." T: "Yes, but normally you'd include all these disclaimers. So the fact that you didn't, shows growth, some progress." Me: "OK, good."

He asked what specifically I wanted to talk about. I said I wasn't sure, just that I felt the need to talk more about the topic. How when I'd left session the day before, I felt I could have easily sat there another hour discussing it. T said he wasn't surprised, how there's a lot there to talk about. He said he wondered if I'd sort of pushed some of these things aside, and then what I'd heard had brought them all up again. I said yeah, in a way...especially since ex-MC had downplayed stuff so much, that I started to think it was just me, that it wasn't a big deal, that I was overreacting." T: "I could see that."

Me: "I wonder what ex-MC would think if he read what was written about him. He'd probably deny it." T (grinning): "Well, let's see what ex-MC thinks of all that--come on in, ex-MC!" (joking like he was waiting behind the door). I smiled and said "He's actually hiding in that cabinet over there. He could probably fit!" I said I was curious as to what H would say, and T said, "And now appearing for the third time on the show, it's H!" He was clearly trying to make me feel more at ease with the joking around, and it worked.

I said I guess I was struggling with figuring out what to say to H about it, how to talk to him. That yes, T had mentioned something the day before, but...He said to make sure to do it when D is not in the room, particularly so she couldn't overhear it. I agreed. I said we had a date night tonight, which I feel a bit awkward going on now, but that doesn't seem like the right time to bring it up. T: "Actually, it could be a good time. These conversations often go better and are more controlled when you're out somewhere." Me: "Hm, good point. I'm just not sure what specifically to say."

T then proceeded to give me a rather long script, speaking as if he were me talking to H. Things like, "I'm not comfortable with how you talk to D sometimes. It needs to change. Let's discuss how we can make that change," etc. I said I was worried he'd just be like, "Well, how else are we supposed to get her out the door in the mornings?" T: "That's a different topic. Don't let him switch to that topic. Say you can have that conversation another time about making the mornings easier." Me: "OK. And I worry he'll deny that he's doing it." T: "Just tell him what you witnessed and how it makes you feel." Me: "OK."

T: "Another thing to say in there is, what kind of example is this setting for D? Does he want to be teaching her that manhandling and bullying is how you handle issues?" Me: "Good point...though H might say how his father yelled all the time (he's said he has), and he turned out OK." T: "Even if he thinks he turned out OK, I'm sure he'd have preferred to have less yelling. Yelling isn't good for anyone." Me: "True..." T: "It might make the person doing the yelling feel better, but it won't help the person being yelled at." Me: "Yeah..."

He said how yelling and expressing anger in that way are putting your own concerns above the other person's. How there are constructive ways to use anger, and people who are emotionally intelligent can find ways to use it. Like saying in a calm voice, "I don't like how you were talking to D just then." Me: "But would that really show anger if I said it calmly?" T: "The anger would show in your body language and your words. But it's more effective if you're speaking calmly." Me: "OK, I see." I asked if it's something he thought people could learn to do. He said he thinks of it sort of like a muscle, where if you don't use it, it will atrophy. That it may be something you have to practice to really get it.

I said how I struggle so much with even feeling anger, let alone expressing it. He said he feels I'm that way with most emotions, that I hold them really tightly inside me (he gestured wrapping his arms up tight). Me: "Yeah, I feel like I got that lesson as a kid. Such that when I was sitting there crying in front of D, I felt I was failing because I let the emotions out." T: "Your mother taught you the other extreme. In a way, you and H are opposites in how you handle your emotions." Me: "Yeah... And the couple times I have expressed anger, he didn't handle it that well, probably because he's not used to me being in that role."

Somewhere in there, I said that I wasn't being emotional in session, so I worried T wondered what I was doing there, like if I didn't seem upset enough. T: "Upset enough for what?" Me: "To justify an extra session. I know...I've expressed that fear before." T (in very caring voice): "That thought never crossed my mind..." Me: "OK." T: "And remember, this is how I make my living. If no one comes to see me, I can't make a living." Me: "True!"

Talked a bit more about H, though I knew we were almost out of time. Me: "You know, I was just thinking...you had said yesterday that H expressing anger by yelling, it's kind of like a child having a tantrum. And I guess...it's like his feeling like he has the right to let out whatever emotions he's feeling in that moment...that's kind of like a kid too, right? How they tend to be more self-centered and thinking about their own needs at the time." T: "Yes...but I wouldn't suggest using that example with him--I doubt it would go over too well!" Me: "Oh yeah, I agree."

He asked if I wanted to keep schedule same for next week, I said yes. Went over and paid. As he was trying to hand me the pen to sign the credit card slip, he at first sort of flung it at me, apologized, then it rolled off the edge of the desk before either of us could catch it. T: "I knew that was going to happen!" He bent down got the pen and handed it to me. It was weirdly endearing. Signed and handed it to him. He shook my hand, saying, in a more caring way than usual, "Good luck this weekend." Me: "Thanks, I may need it. Have a good weekend." T: "Thanks, stay dry!" (was starting to rain). Me: "I'll do my best!"


Then headed out to meet H and D for dinner...not awkward at all...(it was OK, actually)

i am glad you are addressing these issues with your H, LT!

To all out there - Never trust a therapist!!

Saw T our new 3x per week this week. Last 2 weeks we were only able to see each other twice a week because I was sick and the other was a previously arranged due to scheduling. Most of my sessions this week were talking about how I've been extremely irritated this week and think it might be due to a new med I started. Discussed that my doctor agrees and is following up with me this week about it. Talked about how I feel like I can't relax at all even in sessions on Friday. We started talking about how I sit, I don't even use the footrest! I'm very proper in all my appointments and he talked about how he's not concerned with social appropriateness...like how I worry about how I look and appear in public and at appointments. He told me that this is my space for the hour and encouraged me to do whatever I need to be comfortable. We talked about how it's difficult for me to maintain eye contact. He told me that the chairs swivel so I can always try turning mine around to not face him and mentioned the couch again. Talked some about my brothers because I told him I was going to my younger brother's birthday party tonight and how weird I felt about it. Talked briefly about some new SH that I've been doing this week and SI. I don't say much about it in there because I hold myself together and back from saying too much. Again he encouraged me to say whatever is on my mind and all of that. I really like him as a therapist but it's so difficult for me to completely open up to a new T since I've really only been seeing him since August and only a few weeks as my only T.

I think it's very common for people, especially in therapy, to wonder whether their marriage is right for them. Asking the question is healthy and there is no prescription that you need to answer it one way or the other. Addressing it directly is a sign of progress, as opposed to being locked in sadness and disappointment that goes unstated. My marriage became better when I started expressing it.

The struggle to parent a child with another parent who is not on board with doing or not doing parenting in ways that are important to you, I've had my own version of that. Parenting is hard enough and demanding enough, especially with a differently-wired kid (mine isn't on the spectrum per say but definitely is wired in ways that are atypical), that having to defend the other parent or otherwise clean up after their messes can be exhausting.

And this thing that your T said, is totally brilliant. "He said how yelling and expressing anger in that way are putting your own concerns above the other person's." And when we sign up to parent, we sign up to put our own needs/concerns behind that of our children. Doesn't mean we always do it perfectly, and we have to balance taking care of ourselves so we can take care of them, but to me this is pretty much the definition of parenting, that we agree to try as best as we can.

One thing I disagree with about what your T said. I don't think yelling makes the yeller feel good, and in fact I think it's the shame they feel while doing it and the frozenness it leads to that prevents change, particularly if they have difficulty talking about it.

As usual, I admire your courage digging into these issues and in sharing them here on the board. Be sure and let us know when your book comes out . . . .

T today. I was wearing a denim jacket. As I was walking back, he said, "Wow, a denim jacket! I love it! Haven't seen one of those in a while." Me: "Well, they are popular again." T: "I hadn't noticed." Me: "I'm not from the 80s!" T: "Well, older stuff is popular again." On a related note, I believe he was wearing R2D2 socks.

We sat down. T: "So...how was your weekend?" Me: "It was OK." T: How'd it go with H? Did you talk to him about anything?" Me: "Yeah...I did end up talking to him about the stuff with D. Except...it was when I was drunk, so not the best time to talk about it, plus it's a bit hazy. Which I know is bad..." T: "Yeah, probably not the ideal time to talk about. And you said you don't recall parts of it?" Me: "Yeah, plus I apparently got really dark after talking about it." T: "What do you mean by 'dark'?"
Me: "Though I don't recall it all too well, especially the getting dark part. I know, it's really bad to say that I don't remember stuff, and I know I say I drink more than I should, but I don't actually get drunk that often, maybe once every month or two. But still I know it's bad to not remember..." T: "I want to stop you here to make sure you're clear that I'm not passing judgment on you here. I'm not getting on that train." Me: "Thanks for clarifying that. Ex-MC would have said something..." T: "You're doing plenty of self-judging all on your own. I don't need to add to that." Me: "Yeah, thanks. I know I'm really hard on myself. I just want to make sure you know that I realize all of this isn't OK."

Talked some about what H had said, how he'd agreed that he needs to dial it back a bit with D. T said he was impressed that he'd said that. I agreed, expecting H to fight it more. I said he also said that I could help alert him to when he was crossing a line, but that I felt I needed to discuss more with him how to do that. Because I worried if I alerted him at the time, it could make him more upset. T said that's something I need to discuss with him, that there isn't a clear ideal way to do it. There's a risk of undermining him. One suggestion he made was like a pro wrestling match, where I could offer to "tag in" if things seemed to be getting tense with him and D. That (or another sports metaphor) could help show H that we're on same team. Talked a bit more about that.

I mentioned how I was pretty wiped out, partly due to a bit of a cold (I said I'd try not to breathe on him) and partly because D had woken up at 4:30 this morning and not gone back to sleep and kept calling me in every 15 minutes (eventually I just gave her the Kindle Fire). T: "Ugh." I talked more about her chronic sleeping issues, plus I'm not a good sleeper as it is, so I feel like I'm usually sleep-deprived. T said that could affect many different areas, including emotional lability. Me: "Hm..." T: "Along with concentration, short-term memory." Me: "I do tend to struggle with concentrating. But I figured I just adapted to not getting much sleep, so I'm used to it."

T cited a study where they tried to show that people got used to sleep deprivation--even just getting 6-7 vs. 8 hours. They tried for 8 weeks, but they were still getting worse. Added 8 more weeks. Then finally at 40 weeks, they opted to stop the study, because people just kept doing worse, they didn't adapt. I said I found that to be really interesting, because I've always struggled with sleep, but even more since having D because of her sleep issues. So maybe I'm just chronically sleep-deprived.

T said how along with sleep, it's also how I'm taking care of myself overall--what I'm eating/drinking, plus exercise. He compared it to maintaining a car. I said I felt I'd let a lot of that slip with me lately and how they probably all played on each other, like I didn't get much sleep, so no energy to exercise, etc. He said how eating includes everything you put in your body. I was like "Including alcohol..."

I said I felt like a failure at times that I'd manage to reduce drinking for a bit, then slip back into it, like something would happen. But that I felt I should just be able to cut back, that it showed I was weak that I couldn't. T: "But drinking is tied into so many things for you. Positive associations with your H, a way to deal with anxiety and other negative emotions, connections with your social circle. It makes sense that it's difficult to just stop or cut back, without having other things to take its place." Me: "Thanks, hearing that makes me feel better."

He said he considers exercise to be the easiest to put back in, because "You only have to be good for that 30 minutes of the day." Which actually made sense to me. Like he said eating, you have to keep monitoring that all day. He said in the same way that negative habits can build on each other, positive ones have a way of building, too. So session ended on a more hopeful note.

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next week. Went over to pay, and we each started reaching our hands toward the other, then he said, "Wait, didn't you say you were a bit sick?" Me (pulling back my hand): "Yeah, sorry, was just doing this out of habit." T: "Have a good few days." Me: "Thanks, you too!" I pulled my hand into my coat sleeve as I went to open the door, saying, "See, I won't even touch your door handle!" T smiled and said I was funny. Then I headed out (also using coat sleeve on waiting room doors).

I sympathize with the issues around drinking, LT, being a big part of my social life etc. Makes it hard to cut back.

In my session today T asked if I "feel cared about as a person" when I'm in the room. Which seems to me like a weird way to phrase that. Isn't it basically asking if I feel like T cares about me as a person (as opposed to a generic any-patient)? In which case how would I know? Plus it seems unfair because I bet if I asked "Do you care about me?" he would not answer that question in a direct way.

I don't remember what I said in response, I think I just went back to what we were talking about previously (a medical procedure).

oy. session was...oy.

LT
Interesting you didn't shake hands this time, you have before with sickness....although probably smart, this time of year everything seems to spread faster.

As for sleeping. I can somewhat relate. I haven't slept through the night since my dog passed. Part of it was my body was used to getting ups with him a few times a night in the last weeks... and part of it was anxiety or sadness. I've tried so many things and nothing helps. I still wake up at least 2x every night. I'm always tired but thankfully I nap most days too.

Had to wait for T for a bit. One of the other therapists there has an office directly connected to the waiting area. His door was open and I could see his setup. Was kind of weird, looked very different from my T's office. When T came to get me, for some reason I had some kind of doubt about whether it would actually be him, so I looked up and directly at him. Normally I never look at him in the waiting room, I even turn my head away from him when shaking hands. He looked so happy that I made eye contact. Like really proud and genuinely content. He even spread his arms a bit as if he were saying 'yep, I'm here'.

After sitting down, he asked me how the rest of my interviews went. I said they were fine, I have follow-up meetings scheduled with all three companies. And I wrote some more applications during the weekend. He asked whether I knew what I'd like to do the most. We talked some about the line of work I'd be getting into and he said he thought it would fit me well since it doesn't involve a lot of team work. I said funny you should say that, one of the people I talked to on Friday said something like 'you strike me as very team oriented'. T laughed out loud. I told him how I had thought to myself that's not the case at all, but of course I didn't tell that person. T said how this shows one of my strengths, to convince people of something even if it's not true.

He asked what else had happened during the week? I told him about how I had started my meds, he wanted to know when I started and on what dose I was now. Asked about side effects, which I don't really experience. He said I should stay on this dose for a while and we'd see in 2-4 weeks how it goes.

Then I told him how I had been really scared on Monday. But then Tuesday and today it had been fine. He mentioned how I switch between different moods really quickly. He asked what my fear was, and I said I'm scared to die. He asked about triggers, I said the possibility of war, deforestation and then on Sunday my mom mentioned how a friend of the family had died.

He wanted to know more about that friend. My dog has a couple of siblings, and one of those other dogs went to a couple with which we still had some contact from time to time, so the dogs could hang out. The guy of that couple died some weeks ago, he was 40 and had cancer. T asked whether I felt it affected me a lot if I heard something like that? While I think this is the case, it didn't make me sad, just scared.

He asked whether I was more scared of a slow or sudden death? I said sudden. He mentioned how a lot of people are more scared of a slow death since they realize what is happening. While I can see that, I think at least then you can somehow prepare. You can talk to people, say good bye. If it's sudden, you're all by yourself.

He said how if it were sudden like a car crash, I'd probably not be thinking about being alone in that moment. Adrenalin kicks in and you are just worried about staying alive. And if it's bad enough you pass out really quickly. I said I get that, but you can still think for some seconds. And in that case you're by yourself most probably. He wanted to know how it would help if people were there. I said it would be comforting to hold somebodys hand, to talk to them, to have somebody know that you're scared. He told me that in case of an accident it would be probable that people came to help and those people would be there, but I said that's not the same, they don't really get it. They can't know just how scared I am.

We talked some more about what you might think in that moment. At some point I said "even if it's just a split second, you probably will think of something" and T replied "yeah, probably '****'". We both laughed about that.

He asked about my parents. Did they ever talk about being scared of death? Do they believe in God? I said they were rather spiritual, but they never talked to me about the fear of death. I can recall some instances where they grieved. But showing fear? No.

After some silence, he told me that most people have this fear. Probably even all of them. He himself experiences it from time to time. He said it's probably more intense for young people like me. But even when you're old it's still scary. He said how he has kids and a family and he worries about leaving them behind. Most of the time the worry comes when you're already not doing well and then you think of all the things you still want to experience and do. And then you're annoyed by that fear. And later you do other things to distract you, and probably most of these things are annoying as well! I laughed again, he joined me.

He said how people are scared of growing old. They go through surgery to look younger. That all shows how they are scared of dying. They just don't talk about it. But everyone's scared of this, it happens to all of us, no matter whether we're pretty or ugly, rich, intelligent.

At some point he wanted to know what he could do for me in times like this. I said I didn't know, I didn't think there's anything he could do, no matter what he does, it doesn't change the fact I'll die. He said that he believes no matter how scared you are, it's always possible to calm down even just a tiny bit. He also mentioned how it might help for me to hear that he's scared as well. That everyone experiences this. Because that means I'm not alone. We're all somehow connected by this fear. And when I die I know that I have a partner who loves me and with whom I sometimes had good times. And that I have good times here in my sessions as well, at least he hopes I do. I nodded and started to cry even more. After letting me cry for a while, he said he also wanted me to comfort myself. It didn't sound like an order, it sounded really compassionate and caring. I said crying is comforting.

After some time, he said it's time to slowly stop. We scheduled something for next week since, he'll be gone on Friday.

I told him that I had been to the doctor and the doctor thinks I am having anxiety attacks. I said I think that what's happening in therapy is strongly impacting on the anxiety. He said that's understandable and that it was apparent when I emailed him last week that anxiety was very high. I told him about the dog who detected my high cortisol levels and how normally I am good at disguising what's going on inside of me but the dog saw right through it.

He asked what the doctor said and I said he offered meds but I don't want them so there's nothing else he can do really. I told him there are certain things I can do because something needs to change. I told him firstly I think we need to ease off the deep stuff in therapy for s bit. I said secondly I have decided to take a break from a freelance type of work I do and I've emailed the people who buy my services and told them I'm taking a break after the current piece of work is finished. I said thirdly I am looking into meditation classes locally. T said he thinks looking at my breathing and focusing could be really beneficial to me.

Then he said he knows I want to take a break from the deep stuff but as he read my emails this week he thought "She's cracked it" he said it's obvious I was working hard and there was a progression between the emails. I said yes but making connections and feeling different are two different things. T said that linking the "there and then" to the "here and now feelings" is likely to be the most difficult part for me. I said yes and I don't want to talk about it any more. He asked how I was feeling, i said anxious. He said "can you breathe through the anxiety?" I just looked at him and looked around the room. He said "does that make sense?" I continued to look around the room. I said "I guess it probably does but I'm not listening". He said "where have you gone?" I said "you're not hearing me that I don't want to talk about this any more".

He said "I feel like we need to change the subject entirely. I don't know where to go". I wanted to tell him that I brought jenga and some poetry books but for some reason I couldn't. I told him I have things I want to say but can't. Then after a few minutes I told him I had a book of poems and I read him some by Edward Lear and talked to him about why I love Edward Lear. T didn't really know much about him.

Then I read him some of my poems from my phone. As I cycled through I said "I'm not reading you that, it's silly" he laughed. I said it's just about Copernicus. T said Copernicus is really important. He said he is a good metaphor for therapists. He said it's important that a therapist realises that the universe doesn't revolve around them, that actually they are a pretty insignificant rock hurtling through space. I said I hadn't thought about it like that before. T said (I think forgetting he was in T role) "I sometimes think 'what are we worrying about little things for when in the grand scheme of things we are just insignificant creatures clinging to a rock hurtling through space". I smirked at him and said "I bet you don't make a habit of saying that to your clients" he said "No! And I'm not saying it to you as a client, I'm just saying it in relation to Copernicus". He added "I say it to myself sometimes though".

I read him poetry for about 30 minutes altogether. He asked me why it is a safe place for me. I said because it is light and free and creative and fun. It's the opposite of how I felt last week. I said I felt so bad, awful. He nodded knowingly. He said something about what I wrote about I said I probably never could because I am too scared. He said "Good!". He said it's useful to talk about me feeling that way but he's glad I have that response to the idea.

He said "I've done my homework. I got you a present" and handed me a bag containing blank wooden Russian dolls. We had talked about the idea of me decorating some but I didn't know he was going to buy me some. I thanked him.

I looked at him for ages. He asked me if I could still feel the anxiety. I said it's hard to say. My heartbeat feels quickened but that's because I am feeling love. I like what I'm feeling right now. He said "good". I said I dont just feel love towards you, I feel love from you too. He nodded and had such warmth in his eyes. It was lovely.

I told him I brought jenga but there wasn't time to play it so I just wanted to leave it in his room. T didn't say anything, he just smiled as I put it down. Time was up so I stood up and hugged him. He smelled good. I love hugging him.

As I left I told him about my meeting yesterday and that it went well in spite of the dog sniffing out my anxiety. He said she should bring him every time. I felt that he would probably find it useful to have a dog who could tell him what I'm feeling on the inside, because I'm so non-demonstrative on the outside.

We said seeya next week, and I left.

It didn’t go well today. She just kept telling me how insurance is so expensive even Obama care and that Donald Trump is trying to get rid of it anyways. I felt like she was basically telling me I’m screwed without Medicare. She offered me no support about my cat. I’m going to the vet tomorrow to put him to sleep. She made me feel so much worse and so much more anxious and worried. I walked out after 15 minutes. I think I’m going to find a different therapist. I just don’t need this right now.

(((mountaindewed)))

One of the quirks of humanity is that happy people are generally less afraid to die than sad ones.