In Session Today: Part V - Page 3 - Forums at Psych Central



advertisement
Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-22-2018, 06:29 AM #21
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is online now
Swimming duck
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 11,630
LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is online now
Swimming duck
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 11,630 (SuperPoster!)

3 yr Member
47.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux View Post
Except he's already shown himself to be incapable of handling this kind of disclosure well. Look what he said in the session LT just wrote up: "Some feelings probably shouldn't be shared". And the flip flopping around on the stone boundary. He is worse than useless at helping with attachment, which is one of LT's main issues. Sorry LT
It's OK, I know my T has some very glaring deficits. And this is why I won't share with him about knowing where he was. He may suspect I did, and hence the questions (or he was just curious), but I don't see any good coming from bringing it up. I'm also puzzled by his seeming completely fine with my looking at a picture of him (obviously about him), whereas holding a stone I associate with him wasn't OK before. And it's OK for me to have this other stone for a vacation, but I assume I'm expected to give it back upon my return (and I will).

I suspect there's some countertransference going on of some sort that's behind him seeming looser on some boundaries lately. Like, based on facial expression/body language he seemed personally affected by my being really emotional Monday about looking at the photos and other attachment stuff and seemed extra caring and reassuring (tone of voice, how he looked at me, etc.). And he's not usually so much like that (that was ex-MC's thing!) But I doubt he's aware of any sort of CT or even that his boundaries have been inconsistent.

As he'll often say that I know his email policy, which...I sort of do, and which he seems to think is very clear, when actually it's pretty vague, at least in practice. And how he says he'll let me know if I'm anywhere close to approaching too much contact or otherwise crossing some line, which I think he feels should be reassuring to me. But it isn't really. I mean, sure, I prefer that to ex-MC and ex-T waiting until it was already too much and they seemed angry at me about it (with no earlier warning, even when I checked in with them). But I still fear even an early warning from current T, since then it will feel like I've been "bad" or something (hello, stuff from childhood!) Or how he only allows texts for scheduling, and months ago I sent him a text about scheduling an extra session and included info on why, and he called that "a little intrusive" because it was at 8 p.m. and wasn't simply "Do you have any openings tomorrow?" (I usually just email him about scheduling now, as he doesn't consider email intrusive.)

I'll stop rambling now...Guess I'm just trying to say that I am painfully aware of many of his faults, but there are other ways in which he's really helping me. I suppose we'll see how today goes...
LonesomeTonight is online now  
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 08-22-2018, 06:39 AM #22
SalingerEsme's Avatar
SalingerEsme SalingerEsme is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Neverland
Posts: 1,546
SalingerEsme SalingerEsme is offline
Grand Poohbah
SalingerEsme's Avatar
SalingerEsme has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Neverland
Posts: 1,546 (SuperPoster!)

1 yr Member
3,811 hugs
given
Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

This write up made me feel like I got therapy vicariously. He was really clear with the reasons behind limits. He isn't worried for himself that you will love him the way you did ex MC, but he is worried for your wellbeing in selecting relationships in which to entrust your love, in which the other person is legally and ethically prohibited from returning the feeling ( at least out loud or with actions). I makes me think of your H, who is available to return love and be two-sided with the relationship. Having a divorce behind me might make me cynical, but there is something really pure about loving the T with all the limits, and something messy and exasperating about real life love( my T calls it a three-legged race to stay married. Your T gave you the stone gladly this time. He is wanting to give you everything and more- as long as it is good for you, it seems.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
T yesterday. Went back and sat down. He asked how I'd done with him being out for a few days. I said I did OK. He said he was surprised I didn't email, that he thought at the very least I'd send something saying, "Just making sure we're still on for Monday," like to keep the connection. I said that I'd set a boundary for myself that I wasn't going to email him while he was out of town, unless something really bad happened, like H threw me out of the house. T: "That would have been pretty bad. It's good you were able to keep to that." Me: "Thanks."

Then we had a very awkward (for me) conversation because...I did know where he was (public event, I'd looked it up out of curiosity, but last time I'd told him that he was uncomfortable that I knew where he was. So I didn't want to tell him.). T: "What made you think I was out of town?" Me: "I don't know, I thought you said you'd be away from the office, so I just assumed." T: "I think I said I'd be out of the office." Me: "OK, but I figured you meant you were going out of town." T: "Rather than a stay-cation? Would you have been bothered if, say, you thought I was here and seeing clients but not you?" Me: "Well, I didn't really think that. And I think it was more the idea that you were away." T: "What do you mean?" Me: "Well, I worry about people more when they travel, even though stuff can happen right at home. And it felt like then you wouldn't be accessible." T: "Oh OK, like I couldn't come to office if you needed to see me." Me: "Yes, just felt more distant, I guess."

Talked about upcoming beach trip (next week) with my parents/H/D, some stuff about my mom. Like why it's stressful for me being around her for days, how I feel like I have to put on an act for her (more detail than that).

I then said how I'd been talking to a friend earlier about therapy with him, saying some things I did, and she commented that it seemed I was taking care of him, like trying to give him impression that I was doing better than I was. And I'd realized it was just like with my mom, that it was like I was putting on an act for her at times, trying to hide the OCD, anxiety, etc. T: "And you think you're hiding how you're really doing with me?" Me: "At times, yeah, maybe.
Possible trigger:

T: "OK, so what do you mean?" Me: "Well, it's like...when you were away. You said how I hadn't emailed you, so you felt I'd coped well with that." T: "It seemed like you did." Me: "The thing is...I mean, I did think about you sometimes and got emotional a few times." T: "That's OK." Me: "Yeah, but what I did to get through it, like so I didn't feel like I lost the connection...I'm afraid to say this." T: "It's OK, what is it?" Me: "I guess, I...I looked at a photo of you online a few times, like to make me feel better. It was a public photo, but...I'm sorry if that's weird." I dissolved into sobs. T: "It's OK." Me: "But I feel like you felt weird about the stone representing you, and obviously a picture represents you, so..." T (in very caring voice): "It's OK. You did nothing wrong." Me: "OK. thanks."

I said something regarding attachment, maybe wanting secure attachment with him? I forget. T (sounding a bit frustrated): "I've told you that I'd never abandon you. I told you we'd talk about anything that came up, that I'd never just show you the door. And we've worked through some conflicts already. And I've told you I'll be honest with you. I'm not sure what else you're looking for to make you feel secure?" Me (though tears): "I don't know. I think, really, it's that...I was starting to feel secure with you. And then I kind of freaked out." T: "OK."

I said how ex-MC had said many of those things, too, and then look how things turned out. I said something about feeling too much for ex-MC. T said he didn't think it was that I felt it, but (referring to the "I love you"), "Some feelings probably shouldn't be shared." More tears. Me: "But the thing is, I'd told him that before, so I don't understand why it was OK then but not later." T: "Maybe it was *because* you'd told him before. That the trajectory was continuing in a certain direction." Me: "Oh."

I said I knew he was worried about stuff with ex-MC happening with him, so I worried about telling him anything I felt that seemed in that direction. T said he wasn't worried so much about himself but for me, that he wants me to have strong relationships outside of therapy, with others and with myself. And there are limits to the relationship with him. I said I knew, the one-sidedness of it, the boundaries. He said that I couldn't get what I felt I needed from the relationship with him, so I'd just end up being disappointed. I said I understood the boundaries and tried to follow them, and he said I'd been good at respecting his boundaries, that what he was saying wasn't about that, but my well-being.

In the midst of being really upset, while trying to push my recently cut hair out of my face again, I said, "I have no idea what's going on with my hair!" T: "That part's too short." Me: "Yeah." T: "You need like another half inch." Me: "Exactly." T: "They have barrettes and things for that, to clip it back. Your daughter probably has some, maybe with sparkles." Me: "Yeah, maybe I could wear a Disney Princess one." T: "There you go."

Back to fear of abandonment stuff. T: "It seems you think that people abandoning you is something you have no control over. It's like you're walking around, expecting a meteor to fall from the sky." Me: "Yeah, I guess it's sort of like that. Or worrying about being hit by lightning, seeing that there's a storm."

T said it feels like I'm overly sensitive to what people think of me and try to please them. He said for example, if he'd made some critical comment about my shirt, I'd likely never wear it again there. I said was probably true. T: "So what if the situation was reversed. Say you really hate these socks," he said, pointing at his sock. Me: "Are those roses?" T, pulling up pant leg, "Yes. But say you hated them and told me you hated them. Would you expect me not to wear them again? And would you be offended if I wore them to session?" Me: "No. I mean, maybe if they were the only socks you wore from now on." T: "True." Me: "Now you're going to wear them every time. Oh, maybe I should get a pair and wear them." T smiled.

Me (noticing time): "I was actually going to ask you for the stone today so that I didn't have to worry about it on Friday, but I'm afraid to now." T: "Would you feel better taking it now?" Me: "I guess. I mean, I could take it and just put it in my luggage and not touch it till I'm going out of town or anything." T: "It's fine to take it now. Do you know what you want?" Me: "Yeah, I noticed this stone in sand tray the other day and liked it." T: "Oh, that little guy? Sure, you can take that. It's a river rock, nice and smooth." Me: "Yeah, if you haven't figured it out, I like the smooth ones. Wait, do other clients play with it because it's on the sand tray?" T: "No, nobody plays with that." Me: "OK." I grabbed it and stashed it in my purse.

We were almost over time. T asked if I was OK with what we'd talked about. I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd try not to reach out. T: "You know my email policy." Me: "Yes, I know, I'm sorry." T (in very caring voice): "It's OK, you don't have to be sorry." Me: "OK." Confirmed Friday, and I was going to be out of town most of the next week, so didn't schedule next one.

Went over to pay, and I commented on how I hoped to see him the Friday I got back from vacation. T: "Oh...I forgot to tell you, I'm out that Thursday and Friday, plus Monday (Labor Day)." I started crying again. Me: "I'm sorry, I'll get myself back together." T: "It's OK. Sorry about the timing." Me: "Is it possible to maybe schedule a phone call when I'm away, since, I'll be away?" (He'd said before he prefers in person but would consider phone if someone is out of town). T said yes. After I signed the credit card slip, I almost put his pen in my purse without thinking, saying, "Oh, I totally almost just took your pen. I use the same kind." T: "That would have been OK. I love the gel ink." Me: "Me too." He shook my hand without saying anything, like maybe he didn't know what to say, then as I was about to walk out, he said, "Take care." Me: "You, too." I tried to hold it together while walking through waiting room, down elevator, outside to my car, and I mostly succeeded, then started crying again once in the car.

Ended up texting him, asking if he had any openings Tues. or Wed. He said he had time Wed. I said maybe I'd email him instead. Sent him long email, asking him for longer paid response, then thinking better of it, said if he still had Wed., maybe we should meet then instead. He replied, saying I'd wisely said was too much to address in email, that he'd want to have a full discussion about it, so he'd see me tomorrow at 12:30 (and I'm keeping Friday, too, for pre-vacation stuff).
__________________
Living things donít all require/ light in the same degree. Louise Gluck
SalingerEsme is offline  
Old 08-22-2018, 06:58 AM #23
Echos Myron redux Echos Myron redux is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 1,805
Echos Myron redux Echos Myron redux is offline
Grand Poohbah
Echos Myron redux is tired
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 1,805 (SuperPoster!)

1 yr Member
1,615 hugs
given
Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

When I sat down, he asked me how I am doing, which he doesnt normally. I told him I hadn't been sleeping well. He asked if I knew why. I said I had been awake a lot on Sunday night thinking about what I had told him via email. I said I was scared to talk to him about it because for some reason I feel he will judge me, even though really I know he won't. I said I think it's because my Dad judged both me and my mother for this and blamed my mother for my being this way. Even though I suspect we were both this way for the same reason.
Possible trigger:


I said this, and other things, including me getting a bit drunk at my dad's house on Sunday, reminded/remind my Dad of my Mum. I said my whole life I felt like he saw me as a remnant of a marriage he'd rather forget.

I said that I adopted his frustration with her, and found her unacceptable as he did. But I am similar to my mother in some ways. So I began to find these parts of myself unacceptable and this was a big part of the self-loathing I have often struggled with. I have found it hard to accept the parts of myself that are similar to my mother.

I said I feel like I have blamed her for a lot of stuff. T said he feels like he can look at the situation without the need for blame and just sees sadness on all sides. I said
Possible trigger:


Possible trigger:


He asked how I was. I said I feel like I want reassurance from you. He said what kind of reassurance? I said it feels late in the session to say it. (time was up) he said never mind the time, let's make sure we finish properly. I said I want to ask you if you still love me. He said "Yes! I have been sat here feeling protective of you" (he said some more that I can't remember) and he put his hand on his heart. I said it's difficult work and he said he knows, he can feel how difficult it is. He says he feels like I am trying to overcome the message (he said he wanted to say spell but it felt a bit Harry Potter) that had been put on me that I mustn't talk about it.

We stood up and hugged and as I left he said something like "take good care".
Echos Myron redux is offline  
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 08-22-2018, 07:40 AM #24
CantExplain's Avatar
CantExplain CantExplain is online now
Big Poppa
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 19,083
CantExplain CantExplain is online now
Big Poppa
CantExplain's Avatar
CantExplain is back to his normal grumpy self
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 19,083 (SuperPoster!)

5 yr Member
18.6k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by SalingerEsme View Post
...there is something really pure about loving the T with all the limits, and something messy and exasperating about real life love...
But perhaps we need both kinds?
__________________
Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc.

Have you tried strapping a potato to it?
CantExplain is online now  
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 08-22-2018, 10:57 AM #25
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is online now
Swimming duck
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 11,630
LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is online now
Swimming duck
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 11,630 (SuperPoster!)

3 yr Member
47.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by SalingerEsme View Post
This write up made me feel like I got therapy vicariously. He was really clear with the reasons behind limits. He isn't worried for himself that you will love him the way you did ex MC, but he is worried for your wellbeing in selecting relationships in which to entrust your love, in which the other person is legally and ethically prohibited from returning the feeling ( at least out loud or with actions). I makes me think of your H, who is available to return love and be two-sided with the relationship. Having a divorce behind me might make me cynical, but there is something really pure about loving the T with all the limits, and something messy and exasperating about real life love( my T calls it a three-legged race to stay married. Your T gave you the stone gladly this time. He is wanting to give you everything and more- as long as it is good for you, it seems.

I do feel he's mainly looking out for my wellbeing. It's just difficult because, obviously, I'm already attached to him to some degree. I think he's now realizing that he can't prevent the attachment (even if he'd initially hoped to) but is just trying to deal with it as best he can, while trying not to encourage more. I think the stone is him realizing now (unlike before) that it might be something I just need right now, but, ideally, won't always want/need. I think he's also clearly not used to dealing with clients like me, so he thinks one thing is the correct way to go, then I end up really upset by it, which confuses him. (I still think of when he was initially saying the whole "creepy" thing about the first stone, if it was about him, and I started crying, and he was like, "Why are you reacting that way?") But I feel he's learning and adapting. Is he the best T to work with on attachment? No. But...I still think he's helping me. I mean, I *don't want* to be attached to a T forever, ideally. Maybe ultimately have him there if I need help/support from time to time, but not like desperately attached to him, say, 10 years from now. But as I said to him a while ago, I need him to meet me where I am, not where he wishes I was.



I find the three-legged race analogy to be an interesting one! And can see a bit of truth in there.
LonesomeTonight is online now  
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 08-22-2018, 12:06 PM #26
Anastasia~'s Avatar
Anastasia~ Anastasia~ is online now
Grand Member
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 998
Anastasia~ Anastasia~ is online now
Grand Member
Anastasia~'s Avatar
Anastasia~ has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 998

1 yr Member
5,134 hugs
given
Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

T and I talked about an issue that I needed help with. He helped me sort out some things. I brought up the issue that I am stuck on, but we didn't talk about it much. I am trying to not stress about it as it won't help anyway. I have scheduled two sessions a week because I am anxious about upcoming events. This includes issues at work and the fact that T is going on a month-long vacation. He told me that I can email him while he is gone, and I am thankful for that. I'm not sure that I actually need the extra sessions. However, it helps the most when I am in between sessions. It helps me feel safe that if something really bad happens, that I already have a few sessions scheduled. So, it's like just having the sessions available that helps me stay calm. It helps to know that even if people at work don't understand me, that I do have someone who does.
Anastasia~ is online now  
Old 08-22-2018, 07:25 PM #27
JaneTennison1 JaneTennison1 is online now
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Aug 2014
Location: US
Posts: 1,795
JaneTennison1 JaneTennison1 is online now
Grand Poohbah
JaneTennison1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2014
Location: US
Posts: 1,795

3 yr Member
103 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

I told T that I am a people pleaser and whatever task she sets I will do to make her happy. She asked if I was telling her that so that she could set something for me to do and I would do it.

I told her no, I was telling her that because I have done this before and the focus becomes on pleasing the person and not on getting better. That I really wish to work at this and change and not just pretend to, to make someone happy.
JaneTennison1 is online now  
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 08-22-2018, 10:24 PM #28
Lrad123 Lrad123 is online now
Grand Member
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 889
Lrad123 Lrad123 is online now
Grand Member
Lrad123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 889

1 yr Member
274 hugs
given
Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Our session today mostly revolved around getting answers to some of my personal questions about T which ended up being a big relief.

In a moment of craziness during our 2-week break I had emailed T and told him of an online photo I had seen of him with his mom and sister. In the photo they look happy and loving and thereís a caption that reads ďHappy Motherís Day to a mom who keeps on giving.Ē Iím estranged from my mom, so I guess I was noticing the contrast. I immediately regretted telling him about finding the photo even though he had responded positively. I was worried heíd be upset or annoyed or creeped out but he wasnít at all and that was a huge relief. He said everyone looks up their therapist and sort of laughed (in a kind way) saying that many people eventually tell their therapist about it. He completely normalized it saying that lots of people even look up their Tís address. I was worried heíd think I was a crazy stalker and immediately said I have no desire to see him outside our session and he calmly replied, ďI know, I know.Ē Interestingly, he said he couldnít find the photo even though it had only taken me about 5 minutes to find and was on his sisterís FB page. He apparently doesnít use FB. I didnít tell him about the random list of personal things Iíve discovered about him through my online search, but maybe itíll come out eventually. I had been worried because he discloses very little about himself so I thought he might be upset that I found this teensy bit of personal information about him. But he said itís ok for me to bring up any bit of personal info I find about him although heís uncomfortable disclosing info because he doesnít want to make therapy about him. I tend to be extremely slow to trust, so maybe he was just glad I was taking steps in that direction. In the course of our discussion he briefly mentioned having a daughter (of course I already knew he has 2) and talked about some difficulties heís had with his mom. Just mentioning these things made him seem more human and perhaps ever so slightly evened out the balance of power.

We had an issue a few months ago where he did not answer my question about whether or not he has a pet. That came up again when talking about the online photo I found and I used that as an example about how he seems super private and not willing to share seemingly simple information about himself. He said itís complicated and I said itís not really. I mean you have a pet or you donít and it really seemed like you were trying hard to beat around the bush. He said he didnít mean to seem like he was playing games with me and went on to say heís a dog person and had a dog that recently died (of course I then felt bad) and that he currently has a cat at his house but itís not his. So I guess it was actually complicated! We had a whole discussion about how he believes every question has deeper meaning and I said I didnít think so. He disagreed and said he thinks a cigar is never just a cigar. I still donít really agree. Lastly, I asked him if I were to ask him where he will be going at the end of September would he tell me? He leaned forward and said he would always answer any question I had for him if I told him that I really wanted to know. That was really nice. I told him I didnít need to know where he was going.

I pretty much always struggle to go to therapy each week and I think todayís session made me feel a little bit closer to him. Hopefully I can hang on to this feeling and hopefully it will be a little easier for me to go next week.
Lrad123 is online now  
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 08-23-2018, 01:57 AM #29
Amyjay Amyjay is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: Underground
Posts: 1,957
Amyjay Amyjay is offline
Grand Poohbah
Amyjay has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: Underground
Posts: 1,957 (SuperPoster!)

2 yr Member
527 hugs
given
Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

My session was a complete waste of time. I was floaty and disconnected the whole time, none of it felt real at all. Much of the time I sat staring at the wall.
Every now and then I tried to lunge myself out of it, only to fall back into nothing seconds later.
Then it was time to leave.
Amyjay is offline  
Old 08-23-2018, 11:11 AM #30
Lemoncake's Avatar
Lemoncake Lemoncake is offline
Luna's offical mini me.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: Cafe Nervosa.
Posts: 5,165
Lemoncake Lemoncake is offline
Luna's offical mini me.
Lemoncake's Avatar
Lemoncake is a lemon.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: Cafe Nervosa.
Posts: 5,165 (SuperPoster!)

2 yr Member
4,631 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux View Post
He asked how I was. I said I feel like I want reassurance from you. He said what kind of reassurance? I said it feels late in the session to say it. (time was up) he said never mind the time, let's make sure we finish properly. I said I want to ask you if you still love me. He said "Yes! I have been sat here feeling protective of you" (he said some more that I can't remember) and he put his hand on his heart. I said it's difficult work and he said he knows, he can feel how difficult it is. He says he feels like I am trying to overcome the message (he said he wanted to say spell but it felt a bit Harry Potter) that had been put on me that I mustn't talk about it.

We stood up and hugged and as I left he said something like "take good care".
Echos you were so brave in session, thank you for sharing this. I love how he reacted to your question. I think that's really rare in a T, to be so open with a client to how they feel.

Lemoncake is offline  
"Thanks for this!" says:
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:53 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.