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LonesomeTonight
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Default Aug 24, 2018 at 01:08 PM
  #41
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Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux View Post
LT, a lot of your most upsetting experiences have centred around peoples responses to you (take MC for example) so I don't think you are under any illusions about the way people respond to you. That's why this T reiterating a similar response to those you've experienced in the past seems less than helpful. It seems like further rejection and shaming. Much better, I would have thought, to explore where these needs are coming from and deal with that, rather than to supposedly try to educate you on his own ideas of what other people might be thinking. The irony that he accuses you of mindreading...

I don't know whether he has completely missed what an intuitive and attuned person you are, LT, but thinking he can somehow change the way you relate to others by telling you what others have told you before is patronising and really underestimates your ability to work this stuff out for yourself, I think. There are underlying needs driving your behaviour, not a misunderstanding about what other people think.

May respond more later, but wanted to say we actually addressed his claiming to know what others (ex-MC, H) are thinking today. And T said he's just giving his thoughts, that he admits he "doesn't know jack s*** about what they're actually thinking." That if he, for example, suggests what my H could be thinking, that I could say, "You know, that doesn't sound like something he'd think."


I think we came to a better understanding about a lot of similar issues today (like my feeling he's judging me, etc.). I know none of that will change your opinion of him, but it's like he and I seem to get each other more now and identified some areas we need to work on--both with me and with the therapeutic relationship--going forward (areas that I fully agree with).
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Default Aug 24, 2018 at 06:06 PM
  #42
Since there are a few negative comments about your therapist, LT, I feel like chiming in at this point and saying that I don't see where he is doing you any harm. You seem to be progressing nicely. It sounds like you know this, and I commend you on pushing through despite how painful it can be. I think many people here, myself included, could stand to learn from your example. Although C has been in therapy for many years, I never participated myself beyond a session or two until recently, so therapy is rather new to me. I have come to the unpleasant conclusion that therapy isn't meant to be pleasant and the therapist isn't there to coddle you. I'm not saying that painful therapy = good therapy, but I do think that progress is probably often necessarily painful. With your particular issues, I don't know how it could be otherwise. Anyway, just my two cents.
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Default Aug 24, 2018 at 07:10 PM
  #43
T today. Exhausting as always.

T: We need to talk about it, Em

Me: I know

T: How does it feel, talking about how we need to talk about it?

Me: I just don’t want to go back there. It’s done. It’s all in the past.

T: But Em, just based on what you’ve told me so far, you already go back there every day. Part of you might know that this is all in the past, but the rest of you is still living in that horror.

Me: *winces at the word “horror”* Well how do I stop that then?

T: We need to start talking about it.

Me: You said that already.

T: Once we start addressing this, then I won’t need to say it anymore.

Me: Oh, that reminds me...*starts launching into a completely unrelated story*

T: Em, if you want to go there, then it’s your choice. I understand this is difficult. But, I really think we should try and open this locked box now. I really want to help you feel better, and that means keeping us in this direction.

Me: It’s too painful.

T: I know. And I’m sorry. But remember, when you went through this, you faced it alone. You survived. You’re not alone anymore. I’m right here and I will do wat I can to help you through this. But you need to be willing to go there.

Me: Every time we come close, I get scared. How do I make sure I can handle everything when I leave after the hour is up?

T: It is a conundrum isn’t it? I ask you to dive into this and then show you the door several minutes later.

Me: What if my pain can’t follow a time limit?

T: I don’t expect that it can. By pushing you to talk, I am partly responsible for that pain. Which means, I am also partly responsible for alleviating that pain. If things become too much during the week, please reach out and contact me. I will respond. In the meantime, we can also find other ways to help. We can manage this, we just need to find the right formula. So, can we try and start now?

Me: okay.

Needless to say, the session ended in tears and lots of it. Also ended several minutes over.
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Default Aug 24, 2018 at 10:30 PM
  #44
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Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
My session was a complete waste of time. I was floaty and disconnected the whole time, none of it felt real at all. Much of the time I sat staring at the wall.
Every now and then I tried to lunge myself out of it, only to fall back into nothing seconds later.
Then it was time to leave.
This is me. I always plan to do or say more and sometimes even practice, then I get there and can barely talk.
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 02:19 PM
  #45
T yesterday. Went back and sat down. T was wearing his Super Mario mushroom socks again. I started with something that happened that morning, where I felt H was harsher to D than he should have been. And how I've felt that way at other times recently but wasn't sure if I was overreacting or how to handle it. I was going to include details in this post but thought better of it. So I'll just say we had a discussion about parenting, and T seemed to agree with how I was seeing things. And gave me some advice on how to address it with H and to make sure we're on the same page about parenting stuff. T: "Consistent bad parenting is actually better for a child than inconsistent good parenting." Me: "Oh, so any kind of consistency is better?" T: "Generally, yes."

T said we could continue on the topic (had been 15 minutes) or go elsewhere, up to me. I said I did want to share something positive. That I'd called my mom to tell her H and D were going to beach a day before I was (parents are already down there--we're staying with them), and I expected her to get upset and protest, but she was just like, "OK." I said how H had said he heard what I said to her, and I seemed very matter-of-fact, "This is what we're doing to her." Me: "I think some of what I've learned in here is helping." T smiled. I gave more details, saying I'd explained that it had been a rough week with work and other stuff, and I just needed a day to recover.

T: "What I really like there is how you just said to her, 'Here's what we're doing.' It was a statement, not a question." He said I did include some explanations in there, which could have opened it up to her questioning me. I asked how I should have handled it if she'd done that. T: "Something like, 'Mom, I understand your feelings about this, but this is just what works best for me right now.' That way, you're acknowledging her feelings but still asserting what you're doing." Me: "Yeah, it can just be difficult." T: "Being assertive is very difficult for a lot of people, especially for someone like you who tends to want to be nice and please people." Me: "Yeah...and it came up in marriage counseling that when I tried to be assertive with H, it's like I overcorrected and was too harsh at times." T: "That's a good observation, and it can often happen. It's a difficult balance."

T talked more about wanting me to trust my inner voice: "It's something I want for you." He said he wanted it to be more like a dictatorship, "an LT dictatorship." I questioned that comparison a bit, and he said ideally, everyone is their own dictatorship of sorts, but it doesn't mean you have to be mean to everyone else, you can be a nice dictator (or something like that!)

We both started to say something at once. T said I could go ahead, then I said I forgot where I was going, so he could. T: "Uh...hm...I've lost what I was going to say." Me: "Are we going to spend the last 20 minutes just going, 'you go ahead,' 'no you!'"

T asked if I wanted to address anything else. Me: "I couldn't decide whether to bring this up. I struggled some after Wednesday's session. I wasn't sure what to think of some of what you said. Like when you asked if I could handle you." I said I'd talked to a friend or two who aren't really fans of his for a sort of reality check. T: "Did you get what you were looking for from them?" Me: "I'm not totally sure what I was looking for honestly. I guess I just...I know some people say I shouldn't keep seeing you, one reason being that you can't help me with my core attachment issue. But...maybe...you are helping me with that in a way. Maybe in a way different from how a psychodynamic T would, but still ultimately helping."

Me: "I guess in thinking about your question of whether I could handle you...I was just sort of thinking...are you sitting there wondering, 'what is she still doing here? Why isn't she going somewhere else?'" (I started crying.) T: "By someone else, you mean a different therapist?" Me: "Yes." T: "I haven't thought that, LT." Me: "OK, good." I said what I was trying to evaluate was: Is he helping me more than hurting me? And I felt like he was helping more, by a considerable margin. T seemed maybe a bit relieved to hear that.

Me: "It was just difficult when I said with the stone thing how I felt judged by you. And you didn't seem to understand what I meant. I think you actually said in the email that you didn't understand. And I tried to explain it more, but you still didn't get it, so I just kind of gave up and backed down." T: "I'm sorry you felt you had to back down. We could have discussed it more if it meant that much to you." Me: "I guess I just didn't see the point after a bit. But maybe...in the future, I'll keep trying to explain." T: "You should. And I'll do my best to understand." Me: "OK."

T: "But I am curious as to what you define as 'judgment.' Because what I was saying earlier about thinking you did well on the phone with your mom--that's judgment, too." Me: "Hm, I didn't really think of that." T: "So is it just about negative judgment?" Me: "Yeah, I guess, like stuff where someone is critical of me. Especially if it's something I already feel negatively about regarding myself." I tried to give examples but they weren't quite right. Me: "Would it help to just mention in the future when I feel judged, whether by you or someone else, and then we can explore where it's coming from?" T: "Yes, that would help."

Me: I think also...I feel weird saying this. It came up when talking to a friend." T: "Did the friend say this or you?" Me: "I did, it was a realization I had when talking to her." T: "OK." Me: "But I guess I worry that...OK, so my mom was always saying that I shouldn't share things with people. Like I should keep parts of me hidden. And so...in a way it feels like you're doing the same thing, giving me the same message. And I'm worried that's not helpful to me." T asked me to explain what I meant a bit more, and I tried. He said he's not trying to say I have to hide parts of me. He's just trying to help me understand the effect I can have on people. Like his comment of he's not immune to me, that applies to anyone I interact with. T: "I'm not saying you should avoid sharing this with people. Just that you should be mindful that what you do share will live in that relationship going forward." Me: "OK. And I guess not everyone would be honest and tell me like you, so then it could affect how they are toward me without me even knowing why." T: "Yes."

Me: "I guess another thing is...I mean, I know you're trying to give me other people's perspectives, how they might have reacted to what I said, like ex-MC or H. With ex-MC, I feel you were trying to put yourself in his head. But the thing is...how can you really know what he was thinking? I mean, unless he told you. And with H, I mean...you've never even met him, so..." T: "You're absolutely right--I don't know jack-s**t about what they're actually thinking." Me: "OK." T: "I'm just trying to give you a perspective on what *could* be going through their head, but I don't know. And if you said to me, 'No, that doesn't seem like something H would think,' I'd say, 'OK, maybe something else.'" Me: "OK."

I said I was also struggling a bit with his saying he was 5% bothered by my looking at the pictures. I said I mentioned it to a friend, and they were like, "I wonder what the other 95% is?" T smiled: "That was a good question!" Me: "They also said how 5% is really nothing." T: "They're right." Me: "And the thing is, I want it to be 0%. I tend to be like that though, how I'll focus on the 5% negative, not the 95% good." T: "So this isn't the first time you've realized this? It's a pattern?" Me: "Yes, definitely, like the glass half empty. And I don't know how to change it. Maybe it's something we could work on in the future?" T: "Yes, we certainly can."
Me: "I also worry that you're thinking of what I told you, like about the pictures or the stone, and you're wondering if that's just the tip of the iceberg, like what other creepy stuff am I doing?" T: "I don't wonder that. If I did, I'd tell you. I'd be honest. And now that you've brought it up, it would be especially dishonest not to tell you if I was thinking that." Me: "OK, good."

Me: "I was a little worried about bringing up some of these topics near the end, because I didn't want to end session on a bad note, since I won't be seeing you for a while." T (looking confused): "Aren't I seeing you early next week?" Me; "Uh, no, I'm out of town then. We're supposed to talk on the phone Wednesday?" T looks at calendar and says, "Oh, I guess not then. Not sure what I was thinking of."

Confirmed the Wednesday phone call and logistics (like who's calling who, regular call instead of video). He confirmed I only wanted half hour, saying he'd have to get off phone at 1:25, as he had session after. He might schedule something in half hour before, but if I decided I wanted full hour let him know. Me: "Unless everything is going to h*ll on the vacation, I think I'll be good with half hour. I'll let you know if I change my mind." Scheduled for regular session Tuesday after Labor Day when he's back.

As I was going over to pay, I said again how I'd worried about topics, saying, "I was wondering if in the last 20 minutes, I should have just talked about bunnies or something." T: "I actually hate bunnies...I'm just kidding, I have no issues with bunnies!" I laughed. Me: "I'm sure I told you about the bunny I had as a kid, right?" T didn't think so, so I told him about the giant rabbit as I was paying. T (shaking my hand): "Enjoy your vacation, OK?" Me: "OK, I'll do my best!" T: "And don't forget sunscreen." Me: "I won't!" T: "And wear a hat!" Me: "OK!" T: "But really, I hope you enjoy yourself." Me: "Thanks. Talk to you Wednesday." It felt like a really warm good-bye, the way I'd want to head into a rather stressful family vacation and T break.

Last edited by LonesomeTonight; Aug 25, 2018 at 02:37 PM.. Reason: accidentally left H's real name in there!
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 04:06 PM
  #46
Okay - i have to stop and correct t here - consistent bad parenting is not better than anything. Its just bad.
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 04:12 PM
  #47
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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Okay - i have to stop and correct t here - consistent bad parenting is not better than anything. Its just bs.

Yeah, I was a little puzzled by that--I assume he didn't mean something like abusive or neglectful, more mediocre.
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 04:20 PM
  #48
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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Okay - i have to stop and correct t here - consistent bad parenting is not better than anything. Its just bad.
Dunno, I’ve heard the same from Blondie.

That, for instance, it would be much easier for me to figure out (and likely sever ties with) my family if my parents had been consistently bad — else I’m stuck in the current mess of trying to figure out if the bad outweighed the good or vice versus and more importantly, what does it mean that they could switch from good to bad for no apparent reason and so on.
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 04:43 PM
  #49
Sorry! Aside from that criticism i do like what he said about the little dictator - i can see that in myself too, esp talking to relatives. Geez my mom used to push me around SO MUCH. So telling your mom, these are our travel plans and not getting any pushback, i think thats a very tangible sign of progress. Thats like my aunt said to me yesterday, call us when you find your passport. Not "hurry up and find your passport." Not a demeaning command, just defining a boundary.
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 05:02 PM
  #50
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T talked more about wanting me to trust my inner voice: "It's something I want for you."
It seems to me that there's a massive irony in this.
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 05:35 PM
  #51
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It seems to me that there's a massive irony in this.

Yeah, I do get what you mean. But I see it more as, "I want you to learn to fly on your own so that you can leave the nest."
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Yeah, I do get what you mean. But I see it more as, "I want you to learn to fly on your own so that you can leave the nest."
He's not helping to encourage your autonomy by telling you what he wants you to do.
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 06:49 PM
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He's not helping to encourage your autonomy by telling you what he wants you to do.

Yeah, that's what I mean about understanding the irony...also probably not the best approach for a client who has admitted past (present?) paternal transference issues. And authority figure issues in general. It's not the first time he's used similar phrasing, stuff like, "Where I hope you can be." But he more often phrases it more as "we" like "what we're working toward," which makes it feel like a partnership. And I do agree with his goals, I'll often say "I want that, too." But yeah, I get what you're saying...
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 07:01 PM
  #54
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Since there are a few negative comments about your therapist, LT, I feel like chiming in at this point and saying that I don't see where he is doing you any harm. You seem to be progressing nicely. It sounds like you know this, and I commend you on pushing through despite how painful it can be. I think many people here, myself included, could stand to learn from your example. Although C has been in therapy for many years, I never participated myself beyond a session or two until recently, so therapy is rather new to me. I have come to the unpleasant conclusion that therapy isn't meant to be pleasant and the therapist isn't there to coddle you. I'm not saying that painful therapy = good therapy, but I do think that progress is probably often necessarily painful. With your particular issues, I don't know how it could be otherwise. Anyway, just my two cents.


Thanks for your comments. I agree that progress can be painful. The thing is, I can see some really clear benefits in my "real life," which makes me think it's worth it. It would be different if it seemed like only pain, with no progress. And if it starts feeling like that, I'll have to seriously reevaluate whether to stay with this T (which I've already reevaluated that a few times) and/or to stay in therapy at all. For now, just going to keep pushing forward.
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 07:08 PM
  #55
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Sorry! Aside from that criticism i do like what he said about the little dictator - i can see that in myself too, esp talking to relatives. Geez my mom used to push me around SO MUCH. So telling your mom, these are our travel plans and not getting any pushback, i think thats a very tangible sign of progress. Thats like my aunt said to me yesterday, call us when you find your passport. Not "hurry up and find your passport." Not a demeaning command, just defining a boundary.

Agreed. And that's good your aunt said that in a nondemeaning way--maybe she's seeing a different side of you? Like that you won't put up with her being demeaning? One thing T has talked about a few times, including yesterday (though I didn't include it) is about my setting boundaries with others. And also how all relationships, not just in therapy, have some sort of boundaries. And that it could help to define mine more, like opt to set boundaries with my mom instead of, say, letting her be in charge of the boundaries.
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 08:30 PM
  #56
LT, exactly! Like she also asked about my SIL's health, and when i said i didnt know, she just kinda acknowledged that we are not in touch and didnt push it, no guilt trips or anything.
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Default Aug 25, 2018 at 09:11 PM
  #57
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
T: "Consistent bad parenting is actually better for a child than inconsistent good parenting." Me: "Oh, so any kind of consistency is better?" T: "Generally, yes."
Does that apply to therapists too?

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Default Aug 29, 2018 at 08:39 AM
  #58
Saw my T for the first time this week.

He asked how my weekend had been. I started off by telling him how I was upset after the last session on Friday, I was a bit sad. So when I left and saw a cat right outside his office, I was very happy and petted it for 15 minutes or so. Then when I got up to leave, it took my hand with both front paws and bit me! So I had to go see my doctor, he put my arm in a cast so a possible infection won't spread, so I couldn't use my right hand until yesterday evening! I was frustrated after because it kind of prevented me from thinking about my last session, since I was angry at the cat instead.

T asked what might have caused me to be sad. I answered that I thought about it even though it was a bit hard due to the cat thing. The main issue I could make out was that he tells me to calm down so quickly. Like he asks what I feel, I say for example 'sad' and almost right away he goes 'okay, calm down, do XYZ to calm down...' and then I don't feel anything anymore because the tiny amount of emotion that was around vanishes due to calming down. And then I'm confused, because he just asked about what I feel, and now he makes it go away instead of working with it...

He said I have a way of making people wanting to take care of me. Like with one of my friends, I used to behave in a certain way and then he'd try to calm me down and hug me. And I do the same thing in therapy and he also reacts to that. And sometimes he maybe helps me too much, since a goal of my therapy is to learn how to do it myself. He should stay back more.

I said it's not mainly that he helps me calm down, it's that he does it so quickly. He doesn't know how I feel, so telling me right away to calm down doesn't help, especially when I feel so little that it all goes away as soon as I do the things he tells me to do. I then also mentioned that I was sometimes a bit scared he'd get mad if I didn't do what he wanted me to. For example last session he told me to sit upright to calm myself down. But at that point I had already calmed down by just doing some breathing stuff and trying to focus on how the chair felt beneath my hands. But he wouldn't stop bugging me about sitting upright until I did.

T: "Yeah... I'm kind of a control freak, in private too...". He said thanks for letting him know, that he knows this is his issue and that he needs to work on that. He explained that we are a team and both work together, so it's good when I tell him what he's doing wrong so he knows. He also explained where that thing with sitting another way came from. He said if I lie down, I look helpless and dependent. And that usually therapy tries to avoid dependency. So his idea is to sit differently because that influences your feelings. He said there's studies that show that if you are for example sad and smile, you feel a bit more happy, just because of the movement. Even if you are not really happy. So he had the same idea with my posture.

I answered that sitting like this lets me feel better and I'm more comfortable like this. He replied that we'd already talked about this a few times. And that it's most important that I feel like I can think properly and feel properly. So if it works better like this, then it's fine. He just needs reminders sometimes.

We then went on to talking a bit about some issues I currently have with friends as well as parents. It was mostly a light session. In the end he again thanked me for bringing up what bothered me about him and said he'd try to work on it.
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Default Aug 29, 2018 at 01:47 PM
  #59
As I walked into his drive a workman said "don't fall down the trench round that corner" he's having some sort of work done on his house and they've dug a trench in front of his house, but not the way I go. I told him I'm not going that way but thanks. I went into T's room and sat down.

told him about seeing certain family members I spent a great deal of time with as a child but rarely see now. I said it felt like a time warp because they haven't changed at all. They are still having the same conversations. I said I felt uncomfortable with them. Particularly because they talked a lot about certain deceased family members that have caused me a lot of pain and trauma. I said I felt like the person I was before when I saw them. It made me doubt the point of trying to be someone different because the spectre of that family still looms. It makes me question which version of me is authentic, the then or the now. Makes me question the point in it all and the truth of it all. He said he wanted to emphasise that he believes everything I have told him about trauma and hopes I still keep believing it's true. I said of course I do, I remember it, it's just part of me that doubts, and the wider question of who am I?

We talked a bit about trauma. I said a week feels too long between sessions. It's too much. He said "are you saying you want something more intense, more frequent?" I said "I just want it not to feel so bad.". We were quiet for a long time and he said "I'm not sure how we can achieve that". I was silent some more.

He started talking about how I may not remember specifics or maybe I will as time goes on and he knows I want to know what happened and I just felt a million miles from him because I know I will never remember more about what happened than I do now. I felt like he didn't understand me. I just kept thinking "you can't help me, you can't help me".

He asked what I was feeling and I told him I felt far from him and like he can't help me. He asked me what that felt like and I said empty because if he can't help me there's nothing. He said that sounds very final. I asked him what his understanding on what "working on it" is. He looked a bit daunted by the question. He started talking about the fact that I have a block on the associated feelings and that's causing me difficulty, so working on it is about exploring what's happening there. finally I felt like he got it. It's not about trying to remember specifics, it's about the feelings. I felt a bit better then.

I said we still hadn't answered the question of how I am going to manage between sessions. I used an analogy that the feelings are like a fire right next to me. I can feel the heat just because they are near. I can't look because it is too bright and I can't touch because it is too hot. I said that I feel like he provides me with the oxygen so at least I can breathe. He said it sounds like the feelings are consuming between sessions. I said yes and I'm not even touching or looking at them yet.

He asked if I wanted to borrow his fidget toy. I was incredibly touched because I had borrowed it when he went away and he had hinted that he had missed it. He plays with it ALL THE TIME. I thought it was so sweet of him, and while I would have loved it, I didn't want to take it away from him. I smiled and said it's alright. I might ask to borrow something else from his room like a stone next session.

I asked if I could touch his hands and he said yes. He sat forward in his chair and his hands were so warm and mine so cold. His hands were soft and it felt good to touch them. I let go and looked at him and he looked back at me. We were a little closer than usual because he had sat forward. I looked into his eyes and felt connected to him. It was the end of the session so we stood up and I asked for a hug. We hugged tight.

I said goodbye and he said ooh the trench has a drawbridge. I said you can be king of the castle. He laughed and I left.
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Default Aug 29, 2018 at 06:50 PM
  #60
Some of these events might be out of order. It was an intense session and I've been running on fumes since the beginning of the school year.

I was running a couple of minutes late. When I came into the waiting room where I saw T sitting in the Tuesday room. "I'm glad I'm not the one running late today. I'm glad you're here. I was worried."

I came into the office and closed the door behind me. "i guess we have a lot to discuss today, don't we?" he said. I breathed a sigh of relief that he'd read the email.

"I imagine that we do."
"So why don't you tell me what led you to sending it?"
I rolled my eyes. "I told you why I sent the email in the email."
"Well, I know what I thought of the email, but I'd rather hear it from you so that I don't misinterpret it."

I told him that I was upset with him at the end of my previous session. I didn't write about it, but basically we were doing EMDR processing around my CSA. I was hesitant to do it, and told him so. He said that he would leave enough time at the end of session, and I was mad. After I left, I only continued to escalate. So I looked at the email as a form of catharsis. I didn't want to have that anger continue to fester. And I needed him to know that he was wrong.

"I'm sorry, Daisy. I didn't mean to hurt you." I laughed. "Why is that funny?"
"My feelings weren't hurt. I'm here for a service, and you didn't uphold your end of the bargain."

He said that he agreed, and that this seemed like a good opportunity to clear up some things between us. He said that he wanted to focus on communication and trust.

I told him that trust played into part of the reason I came. I remembered our session after VDay and how he'd hoped that if I ever wanted to leave, that it'd be beneficial to meet to try to repair trust.

He said that was true, but also felt like more pressing is that our communication was misattuned. That I wasn't conveying my needs to him and he wasn't conveying his decisions on therapeutic approaches effectively.

I said I felt like I conveyed what I needed to the best of my ability. That if I was able to hold good boundaries about what I needed or didn't need, he might be out of a job. I'm pushing myself too hard, and that I just want to be well. So I guess I trust that he'll keep me safe while I do my work.

He said that his biggest concern was expressing myself at the end of session. How he hasn't seen any change in the flattening of my affect as I leave. I still "turn off," and that it makes it difficult for him to assess whether or not I'm actually okay at the end of a session. "So it's important then that you feel safe enough and trusting enough to tell me if you're okay."

Possible trigger:


"But instead you asked if there was anything that I needed from you. I said no, because what are you supposed to do for me 5 minutes before the session ends?"

He paused for a moment, reflective. "Did I make you feel like you were being attacked? I didn't intend that. I'm sorry." I didn't respond.

He wanted to talk about effective communication. I wasn't interested; I knew that my email was passive aggressive, and he agreed. I also knew I wasn't communicating well in the moment.

"The other thing I wanted to say was that I put a lot of time and thought into our session today." That made me feel guilty, and I told him so.

He said that I shouldn't feel guilty. "If you think that I don't plan and think about all of my clients before a session, then you're mistaken."
"Well I don't know, I figured that sometimes you wing it."
"There's certainly an element of that, because you don't know what a client will bring with them, but I typically like to take a few minutes to think of my clients. I don't take notes for fun, you know."

I kind of shrugged my shoulders. I've felt conflicted about this part of the session since. I obviously wanted to affect him, and felt badly that I did at the same time.

He continued on for a while after this on a ramble. I don't remember most of it except the end. "I felt like it was important to put thought into this because this isn't a time for me to be defensive, but to focus on your needs."

Adult me appreciates this in retrospect, but in the moment my brain wanted to worry about him. Did he feel the need to be defensive? Was I that heinous in my email? Did I hurt him. I told him in less eloquent words I was struggling with this, and tried to put it past me.

He came back to how we should take a break from trauma work for a bit, because he hurt me, which is going to hurt my trust in him.

"I said I wasn't hurt. I was angry."
"Okay. How are you feeling about the construct that is therapy, then?"

I told him I was annoyed. That it's a false construct. That he can say he cares, but it's not like he'd care if I didn't pay him or punched him in the face or something.

He said that this was a choice for both parties. How I could make the choice to not come today, but he also always had the choice to terminate.

"Oh God, I'd not handle that well at all. I'd probably never go back to therapy after that. It was hard enough the first two times that happened."
"So, trust? Hurt?"

It was in that moment I realized he was right. I was hurt because he put himself in the box of the Other Therapists Who Hurt Me. And it was in the last 10 minutes of session. I started to cry and laugh at the same time.

He asked if I was safe to leave. "I'm not okay, but I will be."
"Daisy..."
"No. I don't feel safe in this moment."

Session maybe was 7 minutes over. I brought up Pillow Talking again. He still hasn't watched it. We also talked about something funny that happened at work, which turned into a conversation about interracial marriage.

Eventually he recommended that I call H as an "accountabilibuddy," to which the ironic humor was not lost on me. I called H and left.

I'm doing okay now. I was feeling like the hurt would never end, but like T said, it's physically impossible to feel one thing forever.
 
 
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