In Session Today: Part V - Page 48 - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 12-12-2018, 05:52 PM #471
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Thank you. It's nice to have all that in writing! It was a very twilight zone experience!
It's kind of great how he was so crazy you knew it just couldn't be about you! Yes, uncle, thank you for being THAT crazy.
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Old 12-12-2018, 06:55 PM #472
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

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Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
It's kind of great how he was so crazy you knew it just couldn't be about you! Yes, uncle, thank you for being THAT crazy.
He verified that the alternate universe / paradigm i had long suspected did indeed exist. I dont think my t believed me. I grant i let it influence my life for too long - but hey thems the breaks. I did some good stuff in my life too. So im okay.

Anyway, thanks again. Im just glad i got it all figured out before i croaked.
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Old 12-12-2018, 10:14 PM #473
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Saw T today, and it felt like a very weird session to me. I was physically there and I talked, but felt like I blinked and it was over. I wanted to talk about the SI thoughts I've been having and the SH. Instead I got sodetracked by talking about DH and my father and how I feel like I'm failing my kids. I did manage to tell him about
Possible trigger:
He just said that it seems like I just want to escape from everything and said we'd have to stop there. I didn't realize that there wasn't any time left, so when I left I cried in the car. I hate this feeling so much.
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Old 12-13-2018, 08:26 AM #474
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Last session of the year was interesting. We sat down and I immediately asked about scheduling, which R said was useful in terms of knowing where she was. I mentioned that the Critic had been vocal this week because it doesn’t like me seeking reassurance.
‘It doesn’t think you should seek reassurance?’
‘It doesn’t like me being open either.’
‘So the Critic doesn’t like me or this space, then?’
‘It prefers it when I pretend that everything is OK. You remember…you may not remember…’
‘Try me.’
‘You remember when I asked you for that Post-It note?’
‘Do you want me to write another one?’
‘Yes. Different wording this time… “You are safe” The Critic is chewing me out over asking for reassurance.’

We diverted into a discussion where I conceded that The Critic is a part of me, but I conceptualise it externally because it is easier to challenge that way. R also asked me what I got out of asking for the Post-It note.

‘I’m very happy to do it, I just want to know…’
I fought with the Critic for a bit before I eventually said: ‘It’s a touchstone. When I feel I am losing ground, I can look at that and feel..safer.’
R said she felt like she understood more.
We then moved into talking about the bathroom scene, and R said she felt anger from me. I confirmed that my shoulders were burning, and once again said that they knew what they were doing. R asked me more about the sensation in my shoulders, and I ultimately said that it isn’t mine, but I’m left holding it.

‘It’s not yours, but you are the one holding someone else’s ****?’

‘Yes, and I can’t put it down, otherwise it will explode. I have tried to suppress things before, and that doesn’t work.’


‘I didn’t want to tell you this, but…’

‘Somebody I met once told me that if someone says ‘but…’ you can ignore everything that comes before it. I am more mindful of when I use it now.’
I want to work more on physical sensations in the New Year. I had a dialogue with the Critic concerning comparison over Chris’ death, but couldn’t get the words out. R said she knew what I was trying to say. I talked about my memory of not being able to hold the cup I was drinking from because I was shaking so much.

‘The difference is feeling.’ R talked about appropriate information, and I responded with ‘There was no deluge! The things that happened one after the other, and the discovery of…I think there’s a similarity between “I didn’t want to tell you this, but” and “I don’t want you to freak out about it”…both deprived me of an emotional reaction. I think it’s fear, but I need to feel this.’
‘I am going to hold onto those two things… “The discovery of”, and “I think it’s fear”’

I mentioned that my shoulders were burning. She asked whether I had tried anything that eases that, and I admitted that I hadn’t.

I couldn’t connect with my feelings today, but R and I set some goals around cultivating emotional tolerance, expressing needs and continuing to explore the stuff.
She reminded me to take stock of how far I have come, and ‘Where you can, be kind to yourself’

‘I will….I will do my best.’
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Old 12-13-2018, 09:22 AM #475
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Had a sort of stress-free session for a change yesterday, but then I went and sent him the following email this morning:

“This feels F’d up now, but I’m not feeling great about yesterday and I’m not sure why. It seemed like you were less interested and looking at the clock more. Do you like it better when I’m struggling more to be there? Because I felt unusually good and not stressed out before we met yesterday, and then increasingly stressed out afterwards. This seems messed up. I’m pretty sure that’s not how therapy is supposed to work. I’m feeling frustrated about this and I don’t understand why you can’t just send me an email response helping me figure this out. It feels like we’re playing a game. It feels like we’re playing your game where you know the rules and I don’t. I’m pretty sure this doesn’t have to go this way. I hate that this keeps happening. Apparently I’m a masochist because I keep coming back, foolishly hoping to make it better. I feel bad about myself in relationship to you and I feel even worse because I assume the opposite is supposed to happen. I assume you don’t really like me and I’m not sure how much of that is part of a game we’re playing and how much is real. I show up and pay on time, so I guess that’s my value. So, whatever. F**k you, I guess.”

Nice, polite, rule-following me is swearing at my T via email after a perfectly fine session. Ugh. It’s taken on a life of its own.
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Old 12-13-2018, 04:41 PM #476
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Before asking his usual first question, T told me he managed to use his computer keyboard properly for the first time thanks to my help and told me he thought of me when he did. That made me smile.

Then, I started off by telling him about the Christmas party at my partner's job. My boyfriend hadn't behaved well and I was worried that he'd get into trouble for the whole weekend. T asked whether he had had too much to drink, but that wasn't it. However, some other woman there had too many glasses of wine. She and her partner were the only ones to leave before us. We left about three minutes after them, and they were still in the restaurant near the exit. Partner's boss was there too. Some people had been making some small jokes about the woman being drunk, so my partner thought it was appropriate to go up to her and laugh in her face (twice, in fact, since the first time nobody laughed and he assumed they hadn't heard his joke). I had to explain how that was inappropriate on the way home. T asked what I had said and I told him that it's not okay to laugh at people who are suffering. We shortly went into why I assumed that lady was suffering (she was really, really drunk). T then went on about how one shouldn't drink too much in job situations. Then he asked me whether my partner always struggles with things like this. I said he usually has trouble understanding how two similar situations differ, why it is appropriate to joke in one situation but not in the other. T mentioned that he probably has trouble empathizing. But that the people at his work probably know him well enough by now to know that and not mind too much anyways.

Next I mentioned mood swings. Not only because of that party, but aso because of last session. I had still been angry with T for quite a while, and sad. He asked whether it hadn't also been a positive session since I could see that sometimes people contradict themselves. While I agreed with that, I now felt like I shouldn't talk anymore. T said how it's okay to feel like that and that we can talk or not talk about anything I want. I started crying. He stayed quiet for a while, then mentioned that I looked like I was fighting against some of my feelings. He asked what I felt, which was sad as well as empty, switching between the two. He asked me to embrace those feelings, but that was rather hard for me. He asked me whether I was having flashbacks, which I was, and we talked about how I try to run from those which he thinks makes things worse.

After a while of me crying, we managed to talk a little bit of some of the memories and why I get so sad. T asked whether I had trouble accepting the past and when I confirmed that he asked why. I told him it's hard since I feel these things created so many issues for me and I can't even understand why they happened. He replied that we can't ever really understand why things have happened, but through accepting them we can let go of those things, at least to some part, which makes life more comfortable.

We had already been talking for an hour so it was time to go after confirming our second session of the week.
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Old 12-13-2018, 07:32 PM #477
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

T said she has noticed that when she goes quiet I tend to get a bit anxious that she is not "there" anymore and that maybe I feel alone in the room again. (as I have before)

I told her about a year ago that sometimes I feel alone in the room and I'm, frankly, blown away that she remembered that comment and referenced it.
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Old 12-14-2018, 04:07 PM #478
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

T yesterday. (Wasn't going to do a second session this week, but was really struggling Wednesday and asked if he had anything available.) Went back and sat down (he was ringless). T: "Hello." Me: "Hi." T (looking concerned): "How have you been doing?"

I told him how I'd started crying in public the day before when a song came on that I associated with ex-MC. Which showed me that I'm not OK. And probably needed to talk more. T asked how long it took me from starting to cry to recovering, and I said I was mostly able to control it within a few minutes. But that normally I'm able to avoid crying in public, like wait until car, home, his office.

He asked how many songs I associate with ex-MC, and I said I guessed more than I realized. That this one I'd heard since then and it hadn't affected me as much, but the day before it just hit me. It's Of Monsters and Men's "Little Talks." I said how it was a duet, and that the woman sings "There's this old voice in my head that's holding me back," and the guy says "Tell her that I miss our little talks." And that the "our little talks" made me think of ex-MC. And then near the end, the woman sings, "You're gone gone gone away, I watched you disappear, all that's left is a ghost of you." And how that seems to fit, too. (I feel like I'm quoting an excessive number of song lyrics to T lately, and he's probably thinking, "What the hell is she talking about?")

T: "I thought most of the songs you associated with him were more obscure, so not something you'd hear in public." Me: "Well, most are, but this one, it's one they play in a few of the bars/restaurants that I go to. I don't think I'd probably have to worry about hearing it at the grocery store." T: "Grocery stores are where I do most of my music listening." I smiled.

I mentioned how I hadn't heard back from ex-MC (still haven't). And before, I was more afraid of what he'd say. But now I think that silence will bother me more. T: "I could understand that, a lack of acknowledgment." Me: "Exactly. But I guess I didn't make it clear that I necessarily wanted a response..." T: "You didn't, and he actually could have intepreted the one line about how you'd understand if he just deleted the message without replying, where he might think that meant you didn't want a response." Me: "Yeah...I wish I'd been more clear."

I said I hated that I was still struggling with this. T: "If it helps, I think it's perfectly normal for you to be feeling this way right now. He was a very important person to you. And you're grieving." Me: "I guess I just feel like, the rupture part, it was a year ago, I should be over it by now." T: "But anniversaries can be hard. And you may not have been ready to deal with it sooner." Me: "Like maybe I wasn't ready to grieve it before?" T: "Yes." Me: "OK, so now all these feelings are coming out." T: "I've lost some family members, and the feelings of sadness still come up years later at various times, like when something makes me think of them."

Me: "I think I just feel bad because, I mean, I wasn't this upset my grandmother." T: "Was she an important person in your life, as important as ex-MC?" Me: "Yes, definitely. But...also, I mean, she was declining for years before she died. Like she'd stopped being the woman I knew her as. So, maybe it was like I did my grieving before that?" T: "Yes, that often happens with a longer illness like that."

I said how last session, it felt like he was saying that ex-MC didn't do anything clearly wrong, which felt a bit invalidating. T: "I just meant that there wasn't one clear thing. It was more of a feedback thing." Me: "What do you mean?" T: "It was more about the interactions between you. How you responded to each other." Me: "Like, how you said before that he sense what my needs were and met them?" T: "Yes, then how you responded to him doing that, and so on."

I said so I guessed he was saying it maybe wasn't the fault of one or the other of us, but how we interacted together. He agreed. Me: "I guess it's kind of like a relationship that ends due to irreconcilable differences." T: "Yes, like with a divorce, sometimes it's like both people really tried, and it's no one's fault, it just didn't work." Me: "As opposed to times where, say, one of them was a serial cheater." T: "Yes, like you'd be in divorce court and a witness would be like, 'What can I say, I wouldn't want to be married to that person either.'" Me: "Yeah."

Back to ex-MC. We talked about how it's almost like he painted himself into a corner, that he couldn't keep meeting my needs. Me: "And he'd say things like 'I can't continue to reassure you,' then would turn around and reassure me. Or he'd say we needed to focus on marriage stuff in session, then he'd spend a session basically just talking about my stuff, like something I had going on with a family member, one time some issues I was having with ex-T, stuff like that." T: "Oh, so it's like he realized he had to change things." Me: "But then he didn't. And I'm more likely to believe someone's actions than their words." T: "That seems confusing." Me: "Yes...and it also seemed like, if I just pushed for it, he'd give me what I wanted. And that he'd keep accepting me no matter what, which probably isn't realistic." T: "Yes, up until you crossed that boundary with the love confession." Me: "Yeah."

Me: "It's helped to talk about all of this some more. I was going to try to be OK with just one session this week, but then when I started crying in public, I realized maybe I should come in." T: "Yeah, I was wondering why you'd decided on that this week. I assumed maybe it was about money, since last week was an expensive week, with an extra session and the email." Me: "Yeah, that was definitely part of it. Plus I was also thinking, 'I should be able to manage this. It's 6 days (from Tuesday to Monday)." T: "You seem to say that a lot."

Possible trigger:

Me: "But I guess I just feel like I should have been able to handle it. I wanted to ask you for another session, but it was like, 'No, I can do this.'" T: "You were struggling so much last week. I thought to myself that you seemed to be shooting yourself in the foot in choosing to just come once this week." Me: "Yeah..." T: "I actually wondered if maybe you were doing that to get back at me." Me: "What do you mean?" T: "Well, you seemed upset that I'd charged you for the email. Really, you always seem bothered the times I do that." Me: "Yeah...I mean, I appreciate that you take the time to write such a long reply those times, it's not like you're writing 3 sentences and billing me $45. I guess it's partly that I feel guilty spending the money for it." T: "I was thinking that, too." Me: "But then...as I'm thinking about it, maybe there is some element where I was getting back at you. Since a couple people have commented that you make money off inciting insecurity in me. Like I don't feel that way, I certainly don't think you intentionally do or say something to upset me so that you can make more money. Because that would be really f***ed up." T: "I certainly wouldn't do that intentionally." Me: "I know." T: "But I also know that you prefer to work through things sooner. And like with today or last week, you can talk through things and then be able to enjoy your weekend more. To not have it hanging over your head. Because part of therapy is living a better life." Me: "Yeah...it does really help me to work through things earlier, because otherwise I end up ruminating over them."

I said I also had wanted to try to get through this week without emailing him more, since I'd sent the long one the week before (about his son) and the one about struggling with ex-MC anniversary Monday. That I'd tried to not send the Monday one, I'd done other things first to try to deal with it. He said that was good that I tried the other things. Me: "I just worrying about emailing too much." T: "You know my policy. As long as you're respectful of my time, it's fine. And you've definitely been respectful of my time." Me: "OK, good, I've tried." T: "And I know it might be difficult sometimes that I mainly respond in the mornings, unless it's a crisis or scheduling of course." Me: "Yeah, I really do appreciate you responding the other night about ex-MC. I figured it wouldn't be until the morning."

T: "I'm really sorry to do this." Me: "I know, we have to stop, it's OK." (It was 12:28). Very quickly confirmed next week. I went over to pay, while rambling about how I think the way he and I interact over email is different than with ex-MC and I didn't want him to apply the ex-MC stuff to how he worked with me. Me: "Yeah, I know this probably isn't making sense." T: "I was waiting for it all to come together." Me: "I'm not sure it's going to. Basically, I worry that you'll think that because there were some issues with my emailing with ex-MC, that you would feel we couldn't do that. But it's a different relationship and a different dynamic." T: "I agree." Me: "OK, good." (I paid while this discussion was happening.) Shook hands as T said, "Have a good weekend." Me: "Thanks, you too." Me: "This helped, thanks." T: "I'm glad. Take care." Me: "You too."

Last edited by LonesomeTonight; 12-14-2018 at 05:24 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 12-15-2018, 05:39 AM #479
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

LT-

Possible trigger:
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Through the heart.
Feel the thrill of the flow
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Old 12-15-2018, 07:51 AM #480
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemoncake View Post
LT-

Possible trigger:

Thanks, Lemon. I think that's what was behind T's reaction of "goodness!" I know some of this stuff comes from my mom, that I don't deserve a certain level of care. Like in high school I told her I was depressed and wanted to see a therapist, and she was like, "What do you have to be depressed about?" Even a few years ago, I mentioned an appointment with ex-T, and she said, "Shouldn't you be done with therapy by now?" And I see people on here talking about how T's should only see clients more than once a week if it's a "crisis," stuff like that. And I think (in general, not because of anything on here) how I'm probably reacting too strongly to things in my life.

But T has told me that people react in different ways to things. And that I shouldn't feel that because some people had much worse childhoods than me, that I didn't experience any trauma. That he feels sad that I feel I'm less deserving of care because it wasn't that bad. That it might have been really bad for *me* and that's what matters. He's also said how dealing with bad anxiety and OCD all my life (plus some depression) can be a form of trauma. All his validation helps. Including more recently the stuff about how it's normal to still have feelings of intense sadness for ex-MC. And the validation/support on this forum helps, too.
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