In Session Today: Part V

Saw EMDR T today, and part of me feels like I could have stayed home and not wasted my time. When he walked in he said He didn't think I was here because he didn't see my car outside. I don't know what car he drives but apparently he knows which one I drive. He asked how this week was, I told him I've just been exhausted all week. Told me that he got another call from my doctor's office asking for records from our sessions and telling him I requested them, and I said I didn't request anything...come to realize tonight that I think it was cps asking for the records from a report that was made from earlier this month when I . Going to email him back tonight and ask him the name of who called to tell him it was probably them.
Then he asked about me seeing T2 this week, and I told him what T2 says about seeing 2 different Ts, and he said that it's dumb and insurance is okay with it and he is too. He said he forgot to call T2 and speak to him last week, but said he wants to talk to him. Said he looks young on his website and asked me how old he was. I said I don't know and he's like ask him how old he is. Then we started talking about tv shows we like and which characters in the shows we like. Asked about H and kids this week. Did 2 grounding things at the end, scheduled for next week and left.

He asked what I was longing for. How do you answer that?

Home, family, comfort, safety, love?

Second appointment this week. First, we talked about my mom. She invited me to come to the US for the second time in like a month. I declined the offer last time and still don't want to go. T asked me why I don't want to go. My reasons are that I'm scared of flying, don't think flying is good for the environment, don't feel stable enough to go, and it's just not a good point in time. Plus we would go by ourselves, without my dad. And that doesn't sound great either, my mom doesn't know how to drive and neither do I. T was surprised we both don't know how to drive. He asked me whether my mom didn't learn it because she's scared. I said probably not since she is now getting her license in the US. He still thought it's a fear thing and asked whether she knows how to swim. Then I also mentioned how I wouldn't want to give the TSA officers my passwords and data, so I'd have to get a new PC and phone as well. He asked me whether I couldn't survive without for a week, to which I said I could live without a phone, but without a PC it's boring.
He said sounds like you don't want to go. Then why do I struggle with just telling her? I said I'm scared she'd get sad or angry. And on top of that she thinks it's a present for my graduation, but I'd actually like something else. "Something useful!" - "No, just something I like". He asked whether that was her only reason to invite me. I answered she probably wants me to help her move in or clean the house, but of course she doesn't say that. And she mentioned that I currently have time because I'm not working yet. T said taking off for a week is always possible, even if you have a job. (Actually, he said "even if you manage to find a job", making it sound like for some reason I'll struggle to do so, to which I said "Thanks!")
He also at some point mentioned that it's her issue if she gets upset. Although I'll have to deal with some sort of response if she does.

He mentioned that she asked the same thing a few weeks ago, what did I tell her back then? I said that I don't feel well enough and would rather relax at home. And what was her reply? I wrote her an e-mail, I didn't want to make a call (T said that shows that I'm scared of her reaction). She at some point replied, but only to the rest of the content, she completely ignored the part where I declined her offer.

We discussed how one can make decisions. I said making a list of positives and negatives and weighting them. He said that's one way, but it has downsides because you can find an infinite number of points and not reach a decision at all! I said there's also intuition. He said yes, what that part of me was saying? I said that part also doesn't want to go!
Since it was pretty clear that I don't want to go, we then discussed how I can tell her. I said I'd write to her again, not call. And I'd just tell her that I still don't feel well enough.

I also mentioned that I was scared of her trying to convince me to change my opinion, or rather that she says something like 'It's not that bad, don't exaggerate'. I told him about one time when I was living off-campus with a friend of mine, in an apartment my mom rented for us (in the US, it's not common to live on campus here). One night I was woken up by a woman screaming at the top of her longs. There was some kind of banging sound and she yelled 'stop, stop' for a while. I woke up my friend, who said we should call 911. The cops showed up and everything was resolved, although I have still no idea what happened at all. Anyways, my friend told my mom about it a while later, trying to warn my mom to be careful. My mom answered by telling that friend that I'm always overreacting and it was probably nothing at all, to just not pay attention if I say such things.

T said that it doesn't matter whether it was right or wrong to call the cops. People often have a hard time telling what's correct anyways. What matters is that we made a decision and stand by it.

We changed topic, I said I had trouble sleeping on Wednesday, because of stupid memories. Thursday it was better. He said it's important to not get too consumed by memories. I said yeah, it's usually easy during the day. I can distract myself. But at night I can't. Then it's hard. He gave me some tips to relax at night. Then he asked whether I was relaxed right now. I said yes. His phone rang and he had to turn it off. He said: 'So, you're relaxed, apart from the phone thing? Or do you feel like something might happen?' I replied it's hard to say. I closed my eyes. He asked whether I see anything. I said no. But I'm scared. Because I don't want to think about these things. He told me that's okay, I can decide to do that. We exchanged a sentence or two and I told him I'd like to talk about the memories I had the last two days, but that I'm also scared. He asked whether we want to try to do it together anyways.

I thought about how to start for a while. I said the worst thing in high school was lunchtime. In second grade I was usually by myself, I bought a sandwich from the canteen. Then I would walk through the whole school building, bottom to top, to occupy myself. I could usually only eat about three bites before I felt too sick to continue. A few years later, my school had to change location since our building was being renovated. Then I'd usually go to a local store, buy a sandwich and walk a route that took about 20 minutes to complete. I chose it such that nobody from school would ever walk there. I said I was embarrassed to always eat alone. And sad of course. And it also felt bad because my mom would constantly tell me how it was important to make friends in high school. What hurt the most was not having anyone to talk to at all. Not about my life or problems, just in general. Like if I had read a book I liked, I couldn't share that with anyone. Except for my parents, but who likes to talk to their parents at that age...

He asked whether I never had friends during that time, somebody I was close with? Not really. At first I had that one friend with whom I messed it up. The one where the parents told us we weren't allowed to talk anymore. After that, I had a few groups that let me go out with them for a few weeks, but they all told me to not join them anymore after that. Then after second grade our classes were redistributed (in my country you have all classes with the same people). There, I at first was allowed to spend time with three girls. We weren't really friends, they'd do tons of stuff outside of school together to which I was never invited. But they let me join for lunch. Until they decided they had enough of me after a while. After that I didn't really try to find people anymore since it hurt too much. T said that I probably felt like nobody liked me. He said most kids at some point are left out and alone. But usually not for years. He told me about a time he felt like that, which felt nice because it sounded like he can at least kind of understand.

Then he told me I should imagine that I'm 12 again, but my mind is still as it is now. What would I do? I said I'd take my laptop with me and browse the internet during lunch! He wasn't happy about that answer. He said what about if there were six people sitting in the canteen, they just started lunch, what would I do? I said if I felt like it I'd maybe ask them whether I could join them. He replied why ask, if there's space you could just sit down. I said maybe they don't want me to sit with them. He answered that would be childish and I said you just said I should imagine I'm 12, so all other people are 12 as well, they are literally children... He realized that was an issue, but said that thinking more about the now instead of how it would be as a child, people wouldn't mind. That you can listen to people, make some comments and jokes. You don't have to be friends with everyone immediately, just make small talk.

We talked some more, but I don't remember most of it, it wasn't really important. Then we came to the end of the session. T said "About next Wednesday..." and paused. I started to worry he might say I shouldn't come twice a week anymore, since he initially offered this until I'm feeling a bit better, which I clearly am compared to when he offered. But he just continued to say which time would be best for him and we scheduled for that.

Yeah, probably all of it. And now that I'm thinking probably even things I don't like, or fear.

He was in a weirdly playful mood today... Like I was talking about how I wanted to get rid of all my emotions and wants and needs and not have feelings, and he made some reference to Hal from 2001 A Space Odyssey, which I had not seen, and he laughed while explaining. It was the first time I've heard him laugh in a while because our sessions have been pretty intense and serious lately. He wasn't cracking jokes in the middle of a super serious moment, I was already kind of making fun of myself with like a "that's how it works, right?" about just getting rid of feelings.

Later when reassuring me that he didn't want "to not have to deal with me anymore" he brought up my earlier comments about how there has actually been change/"progress" and I'm handling things differently than I would have six months ago and he was like "that's kinda my gig" which got me to laugh.

There was also some self-disclosure about his personal life which is a very rare occurrence. It was at the end, he made some off handed comment about his daughter having gotten a PhD in psych.
Like to put that in perspective, I think that might be the first time he's mentioned one of his kids and he's never mentioned his wife (I only know they exist because it was in his bio).
That reminded me to ask him something I'd been curious about, why he got a PhD but is doing clinical work, like whether he originally intended to do research or got a PhD with the intent to do clinical work. He said he'd always wanted to do clinical work, but PsyDs weren't nearly as popular back when he did his PhD (a long time ago).

We did talk about some serious stuff. I'd told him in the past that I would consider it morally wrong for someone else to harm me the way I harm myself, like that no one else had the right to do that, whether or not I thought I deserved it. Today he brought up whether I'd think it was wrong for someone else to say the same things to me that I say to myself, like if he said "[Labrat] quit whining so much" and like as he was even saying it hypothetically I curled up and flinched (which he noticed and pointed out, but I think he mistook it as bristling rather than flinching because he was like "see, even as I said that you reacted").
I said I wouldn't think it was okay or right for him to say, but that wouldn't mean that I disagreed with him, and I'd take it as evidence that I was right about myself. And he was like, but wouldn't you be angry? And I said I'd be more angry that he'd sat there acting supportive while actually thinking that the entire time, and that I already struggle with trying to believe that that's not what he's thinking.
I did end up saying that even though I don't rationally believe that he thinks those things, it can still feel true. And I finally asked him whether he wishes I'd just go away (no, and that's where the "it's kinda my gig" comment happened) and whether he thought I was a bad person (he doesn't).
I wish he hadn't said that even hypothetically though. I know he'd never say that, and I know that to him it seems obvious that he'd never say something like that, but just hearing it even as a hypothetical even when I knew he didn't mean it still hurt. That's the part of the session that my brain keeps going back to.
I should probably talk to him about that on Monday :/

T Thursday. Went back and sat down, and he immediately commented on my new shoes (polka dot burgundy Keds). Said he'd never seen any like those before (seemed complimentary). I said where I'd gotten them (online), which led to conversation about online vs. in-store shopping. After a few minutes, I apologized for going on about it. T: "Well, I asked!"

I noticed with relief that he was wearing both his wedding ring (had been missing last two sessions) and fun socks again (the Super Mario ones--he'd had boring solid ones past couple sessions, too).

He thanked me for changing the time today. He said he'd had last minute continuing education thing come up. And it went till noon and was half hour away. T: "So if you'd kept the 12:30, I'd have to see what my Prius could do. Probably not much." It's funny, because early on, I'd indirectly asked what kind of car he drove, but he wouldn't answer. Guess it took a year for him to share that info...I said how H had one, too. And I mentioned my VW (he's seen me get out of it before). T: "BMW?" Me: "Hahahahaha no, VW."

T: "What's on your mind today?" Me: "Well, I realized this week is a year since I've been seeing you." I got teary-eyed. I mentioned how on PC, people called it a "thera-versary," and he smiled. I said it's strange because it feels like I've been seeing him a long time, but saw ex-T for 6 years. I said I guessed maybe because I saw him twice a week? T: "So maybe it feels more like 2 years?" Me: "Or one and a half because I haven't been seeing you that often the whole time."

I said I guess this also means it's a year since I've seen ex-T. That I still feel kind of bad for how I left things with her. T: "Do you miss her?" Me: "Not really, and I feel guilty about that, too." We talked about how, often someone might see a T for a certain reason or stage in their life, then feel that T isn't useful anymore. T: "And you might stop seeing me for that reason, and that would be OK."

I said I guess it had been 5 months since I'd seen ex-MC, too. T: "What would you call that? A... termination...aversary? Yeah, guess there's no good term for it." Me: "No, not really."

I didn't tell him why I was asking this question , but I mentioned about if a client just doesn't show up, what does he think? Me: "I guess I'm wondering, if I didn't show up for a session, would you wonder where I was and if I was OK? Or would you just assume that I had just decided to stop seeing you?" T: "Probably a mix of both." I really wanted to ask if he'd reach out in some way, especially because I always show up, and I text him even if I'm going to be 5 minutes late. I think I may need to ask Monday, just to know.

I brought up a misunderstanding that had happened with friends earlier this week that had left me really upset and wanting to email him. But I said I'd gotten through it without emailing. We discussed general topic of misunderstandings with others. He brought up some times that I've reacted negatively to email responses he's sent. I said I figured those times were mostly me projecting stuff on him. But he said it takes two people, and that it was partly him not being thoughtful enough or being careful enough in his response. Which was nice to hear that he took some responsibility for those times, too.

I said another thing I'd been upset about this week is that I'd left my credit card at a restaurant for the second time in 2 months. And that I felt like a total screw-up, that people just don't do that. Though when I apologized to manager (since I'd also neglected to pay), she just said, "Eh, it happens." I gave reasons why I thought I might have been distracted, and T was like, "Can I be blunt?" Me: "Uh, OK." T: "I think you're just looking for reasons, and I don't think you believe any of those are true." Me: "Uh...I guess?" T: "I think it was just an accident, something that happens." Me: "But I feel like normal people don't do that."

T: "So I had to go to [major chain restaurant] a couple weeks ago to pick up my card that I'd left there. The manager pulled 15 out of the drawer when looking for mine and said those were just from that week, how they shred them after 2 weeks." Me: "Really? OK." T: "Yes, so it's actually pretty common. I probably do that every 2 years or so." Me: "Oh, OK that makes me feel better. I just felt like it was such a stupid mistake." T: "It's just something that happens sometimes."

Me: "I guess I just feel like my mom would have found it unacceptable for me or anyone else to do that. Or to make other mistakes, like the two times in my life I've overdrawn my bank account, once which I realized on a date with this seemingly perfect guy." T: "Your H?" Me: "Haha, no. I mean, this was a guy who seemed to have everything together, who'd apologize for his house being messy when it looked perfect. And whenever he'd come to my apartment, I'd notice some corner I forgot to clean. And later I learned he had an actual list of requirements for a girlfriend, many of which I assume I didn't meet." T: "He sounds very rigid. I'm glad you didn't end up with him." Me: "Me too."

Me: "But I just feel like...my mom has put it in my head that I can't make mistakes, that there's stuff normal people just don't do. Like, the couple times I've locked my keys in the car, once with D in it." T: "Or like when you go out to get the paper, and the door locks behind you and you're standing outside in your bathrobe, locked out?" Me: "Yeah...I guess that's a common story, too." T: "Everyone does stuff like that. It's normal. Just this morning, I'd stopped at [major hardware store] and had too much stuff, so I went over to the entrance to get a cart holding an item and set off the alarm. So it looked like I was trying to steal something." Me: "Yeah I'm sure you looked just like a thief!" T: "Well, I wasn't wearing my tie at the time." Me: "Ah." T: "My point is, everyone does these sorts of things." Me: "OK."

T: "And another example where I inadvertently upset someone. I have a friend who's an artist. And he'd done his bathroom floor in bits of broken tile and mirrors." Me: "A mosaic?" T: "Yeah. And I was there with some other friends to see the new floor. And I made this comment, because of the mirrors, 'Oh this way you can check yourself for lumps and bumps while using the bathroom.' What I didn't know was that one of the guys there had had testicular cancer. So everyone got silent, then someone explained. And I apologized. But stuff like that happens." Me: "And it's not like you knew."

Me: "So...how do I get it out of my head that I'm a screwup when I do them? I guess...one way would be to think what if a friend told me about it. Like I'd say it wasn't a big deal." T: "Yes, that would be one way." Me: "Because I wouldn't be hard on a friend about it, but I'd be hard on myself..." T: "You seem that you'd be so forgiving of a friend, but in a completely different universe with yourself." Me: "Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. I'm much harder on myself than on anyone else." T: "Like I said, they're different universes." Me: "How do I become less hard on myself? I guess that's not an easy answer." I glanced at the time--had like 1 minute left, and T did, too. T: "That's a good topic for future sessions." Me: "Yeah. But what you've said has helped, to realize it's not just me who does this stuff." T: "Good, because it's not."

Confirmed schedule, and I went over to pay, while saying how both my fantasy football teams had won this week. T, shaking my hand, "Good luck with football!" Me: "Thanks!" T: "Have a good weekend." Me: "Thanks, you too."

It had been a good, helpful session. Though I'd been surprised by how much self-disclosure T had done--from the car to all the stories about times he'd messed up. Besides making me feel better about myself, it also made him seem more human to me, not so perfect as he'd seemed at times. Which I think is a good thing, that he's not so far up on the pedestal.

I lock my keys in my car at least twice a year. If I didn't immediately put my card back in my phone (which is the easiest way for me to store it), i'd leave my card EVERYWHERE.

I don't judge myself (too harshly) when I do these, because everyone makes those types of mistakes. It doesn't mean you're failing as an adult.

Thanks, that helps to hear! I locked myself out of my house/car (grabbed a spare key to H's car instead of my set of keys) earlier this year right before session and had to take a cab and get there 25 minutes late. Now I look at my keys carefully to make sure I have right ones before closing the door to the house.


And then a couple years ago, I managed to lock my keys (and purse/phone) in the car with my daughter in it! Thankfully, it was in front of my house, my next-door neighbor was home and let me use their phone to call 911. Nothing makes your mistake more glaring than a fire truck on the street! I was so worried about CPS because, I mean, I left my kid in the car, but it wasn't a hot day (at all), it was an accident, and she didn't seem at all bothered. I have now developed a system to prevent that from happening again--well at least in that exact way, I'm sure I could figure out some other way to do it!

The first week I got my driver's license (as a teen), I locked my keys in the car WITH THE CAR RUNNING. That was good times...

There have been several occasions where I have left the key in the lock of the front door of the apartment and gone to sleep. Anyone could come and open the door and get in. I would find the keys in the morning and be scared about what could have happened.

I will only lock my car using the button on my key, not the switch on the door. I only lock my door behind me with my key rather than setting it to lock behind me. Any time I'm about to let a door close behind that will lock behind me I have to be touching my keys or if it's keycard actually take my wallet out and look at my card.
It's taken many mistakes over the years to get these habits engrained, and even then I still make mistakes. A few weeks ago I lost a check for $1600 that didn't have a name written in for payee. I put it in my pocket and was immediately going to write in my name once I got home. Got home and couldn't find it. Fortunately the person who wrote it was able to contact their bank and cancel it, but yeah, that could have been a very expensive mistake.

H did that the other day, though I realized when I got home from the store and saw the keys in there. But if it had been at night, yeah...same concerns...

I've done that too

Thursday's session:

After we'd sat down, T warned me that his partner would be arriving at his house at some point, so I might hear her coming in. He said she's also a therapist, so she knows he's with a client and will be quiet and stay out of the way.

He's never mentioned his partner before. I didn't much like her being mentioned (possibly an understatement), but I guess he didn't have a choice. I did hear her come in, and I was glad that I'd been warned. Also now I'm wondering who she is, of course, because I know the face of every therapist in town…

I sat silently and awkwardly for a while, as I often do at the beginning of the session. I was trying to process what he'd just said, and also wondering about what I wanted to say, and whether I was brave enough to do it.

He checked in with me and I told him my mind had gone 'radio static’, which is how I describe it when I get bombarded with too many thoughts and shut down or freeze up.

Eventually I started to talk about the end of last week's session. I said “at the end of last week… I can't remember exactly what you said, but it was something like… that I deserve to be cared for, to be treated with kindness…”

He interjected then, wanting to clarify that when he'd said those things he'd been referring to a conversation we'd had earlier in the session. I knew that, and I wasn't sure why he needed to clarify it, and I started to feel bad, like I'd said something wrong. So I grabbed my sheet (which T keeps in the room for me in case I want to cover myself up, that’s another story I guess) and wrapped myself in it, so that just my face was visible. Whilst I was unfolding it to do that I remarked that I was trying to do it carefully so that it'd be easier to fold up again afterwards, because I'm so rubbish at doing it neatly. He said not to worry, that he'd fold it after I'd gone. I said that I'd noticed how good he is at it. He asked if I was okay with a bit of self-disclosure (stupid question, because of course once he's said that I'm going to have to know) - I felt a bit anxious and said “depends what it is!” followed by “...go on then…”

He said that many years ago he used to work in a laundry on an oil rig.

I laughed at that… said that I'd noted his folding ability, but not guessed that was where his skill had come from.

I felt a bit safer now that I was under the sheet, and because we'd laughed together a bit. I explained that when he'd said I was worthy of care and kindness, I thought it should have felt good, I wish it had felt good… but it didn't. Part of me had felt very angry.

He said that he really believed it, that it had been important to him to say it. He apologised if that was… I think he said 're-offending’... that part of me. I was feeling more anger rise in me, and said that he was.

We talked about what my reaction might mean, why that part of me might feel angry. I said I had been thinking about it all week and hadn't quite worked it out. I thought it might be about not believing him, but that was confusing to me because on one level I believe that I'm as worthy of care and kindness as anyone else is.

He interjected again and said that he wanted to be clear that when he'd said it he wasn't referring to everyone in general, but specifically to me. Hearing that was like I'd had enough. I started to cry. I shook my head. I said “I don't believe you.”

He asked if I didn't believe that he meant it, or if I just didn't believe it was really true. I had to think about that for a minute. I said that I was pretty sure that I believed he meant it. I just felt that it wasn't true. I felt that he was wrong. He said he was glad that I believed he meant it.

I tried to describe what had happened just then… it had been like the black ball of shame and hate deep inside me had been stirred up, and it had just said… “f*** off”.

He said something therapisty like “what would it be like to really express that to me?”

So I took a moment to really get in touch with the angry part of me... and then I looked him in the eye... and told him to f*** off.

So that was fun. Unfortunately that part of me kind of took over then and I started to feel really really bad. Self-destructive. I think it was around now, in a moment of silence, that I heard his partner come in. I stayed silent until I was sure she’d gone to a different part of the house.



I can’t remember exactly what went on after this. I think there was a fairly long period of silence. Then we talked about some of my feelings about having to leave him soon, and how I’m also still trying to deny the reality of it a bit.

He commented something like “I bet C [new T] doesn’t have a sheet for you to cover yourself in!” I laughed and said no, he doesn’t - though I did mention it to him… T looked slightly embarrassed when I said that, kinda bashful… I’m not sure why. Is he wondering what another T thought of his ‘unconventional’ methods?

I continued, saying that although he doesn’t have anything for me to cover myself in, I really like the room that C works from. It has a couple of seating options, and some really nice cushions. I took that opportunity to take the piss out of T a bit, telling him how rubbish his cushions are and how I’d always hated them. He took this in the spirit it was intended, I think, but he also said that he has nicer cushions elsewhere in the house, and offered to get some for me! I declined, though I thought it was sweet of him to offer. He reflected that perhaps his trying to get me cushions was another way of trying to show me that I am worthy of care.

It was coming towards the end of the session. I picked up my glass of water and it dripped on my lap - it always ends up sitting in a pool of condensation on the glass table so this is a common occurrence. I said “this is what happens when you don’t have coasters!” - a reference to a complaint I’d made very early on in our work together. He laughed and said he was sorry about his lack of coasters, and his rubbish cushions… and I said “but nothing is as bad as the fake cupboard door…!”

I’m realising that whole paragraph probably makes very little sense to anyone. And that’s because apparently me and my T have ‘in-jokes’ now.

I am going to miss him so f***ing much.

shortly after we got a car that has a push-button start, i went to t's and left it running (forgot to push the button to shut if off) for my whole session. Oops. I guess that would have made for a quick get-a-way haha

I love hearing about my T flaws and that he can screw up too. And btw I work at a place where people leave their credit cards almost daily, and it’s not a big deal to anyone. People do all kinds of weird things, especially when their mind is all over the place. Once I was baffled when this elderly man left his walker behind but usually people don’t put as much thought into those things as we do.

Oh - and at one point T asked when I had been at the eye hospital (he knew I'd been earlier that day) - I said that afternoon, and asked why, and he said my pupils were different sizes.

HAH. That happens when the dilating eye drops are wearing off sometimes. I guess he found it kind of disconcerting.

I hate those cars!! In MY day, we had to get out and crank the horse's tail, and we LIKED it! Seriously, it takes more coordination than i have to push the brake and the start button at the same time. What am i, from cirque du soleil? Is this to stop drunk people from driving?

I almost completely shut down today during my session with T2. It started off okay until he asked how my session with EMDR went. I said I told EMDR T about how the behavioral health lady from my doctor's office and T2 agree that it's counterproductive to see 2 Ts at the same time. Told him that EMDR T disagrees and that's the jist of what we discussed during our session other than celebrities. T2 then started saying that he thinks the decision needs to made soon to continue with whichever T I choose. He said if him and I continue to work together that he definitely thinks I need to come in more than twice a week right now but he saus he's not sure how much more...we kind of settled on 3 while we were discussing it. He asked if I think Emdr T is helpful and if I wanted to keep seeing him...he said I coild say I wanted to keep seeing emdr T but didn't get the sense that I do. I told that after last session with EMDR T that I didn't think the session was helpful but I like the additional support during the week and I don't want to burn any bridges by ghosting Emdr T and not feeling like a crap person. He asked why do I worry about burning bridges and how previously relationships have ended for me. I said I just didn't want to burn bridges in case I ever decided to go back to him for Emdr in the future because I dont know of many Ts that accept my insurance and do emdr around. T then made a statement about differentiating social and professional relationships about how I worry about upsetting people, burning bridges etc. I couldn't think straight about how to explain it but it really comes down to worrying that if I end things with Emdr T and then T2 terminates me for some reason, then I'm left without any professional support again and would have to completely start at square 1. I was there at the beginning of the summer looking for MC and T on my own because our old MC/T left and never referred me to anyone else. I was so upset and overwhelmed at the end of the session that I SH in the car before I went home.

T today. As he retrieved me I realized we were both wearing stripes. Went back and sat down, brief conversation about the rainy weather. Then T, somewhat randomly, said (greeting-like): "Hey." Me: "Uh, hi." T: "How are you?" Me: "Doing OK."

I said there was something from last session I wanted to ask about. T: "OK." Me: "I wanted to ask before, but I was kind of afraid of your answer." T: "That's kind of a setup, but OK." Me: "I was asking what you'd think if I didn't show up. I mean, I don't plan to do that, but...I guess I was wondering what would happen if didn't. Would you try to contact me?" T: "Well, you're so reliable, like I can time you to the minute. So if you were even 5 minutes late, I'd probably text to ask if you were running late." Me: "Oh, OK. So...out of curiosity, what if I didn't respond to that?" T: "Well, I might give it 24, maybe 48 hours. But I'd try to contact you again. I'd probably call this time. To see if you were OK." Me: "OK, that makes me feel better. I was afraid you'd just be like, 'Oh well, I guess LT isn't coming back!' and cancel any scheduled sessions."

T: "No, I'd check in with you. Because I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't just not show up without contacting me. I'd wonder if I'd made a mistake on my schedule." Me: "OK, because even if I was mad at you, I wouldn't just not show up." T: "I know, because you'd probably be eaten alive by guilt." Me: "Yeah. So, I guess...I mean, honestly part of why I brought this up before was an article I'd read. Where a client was really reliable and then one day didn't show up. So the T tried to contact her and find out what happened. And it turned out...uh...something bad had happened to her. So...I guess I was just wondering, if you'd try to find out if I was OK." T: "Of course I'd try to find out if you were OK." Me: "OK, good. I guess I was afraid...I don't know, that you'd just send me an email with an invoice saying that I owed you $175 for the missed session." T: "I'd never lead with that." Me: "OK, good."

For some reason, football came up. I mentioned about how my fantasy team had done. Then I was like, "I have about 5 things I could maybe talk about today." T: "Was football one of them?" Me: "Well, no...so, OK, moving on!"

I mentioned how H said he'd run into ex-MC the previous weekend. And for him it wasn't a big deal at all, but I imagine it would have been for me. That they had a brief exchange. I said since H and I often hang out in the city where T lives, I imagined there was a chance I could run into him at some point. And...I assumed he would wait for me to make contact, because that seems the typical rule? He said not the rule for everyone, but generally the case. That he tends to run into former or current clients every few weeks. And it can feel a bit awkward for him. Especially if it's someone he hasn't seen in a while or that he only saw briefly.

He also said he tends not to be overly aware of the people around him if he's doing a task, like if he's grocery shopping, he's focused on the oranges and apples and lettuce. That maybe I'd be there in the store, but I'm not lettuce, so he might not notice me. I asked what if I said hi, and he said he'd respond to a signal like that, just that he otherwise might not notice. I said I tend to be like that, too, when I'm out. Or if I see someone out of context, it's hard for me to sort of process who they are. He said same for him, the trouble pulling faces and names. I said, "But you'd recognize a current client, right?" T: "Yes, definitely." That it's more people he saw briefly or parents of a teen he sees.

I mentioned ex-MC again. Said I was going to a concert later this week by the same band I'd seen the night I wrote him the fateful "I love you" email. I said there are songs of theirs that I associate with him, even though it probably wouldn't make any sense hearing the lyrics. How one of them I just used to listen to when I left his office for some reason, so I associate it with him. T: "That makes sense." Me: "So I feel in a way like this concert is a test, if I can handle it, because one of those songs they always play in the encore. But I'll be with H, so I think I should be OK." T: "Maybe don't drink too much there." Me: "Yeah..."

I asked if T wanted to discuss the email more from the other day. Where I'd reflected on the year I'd been seeing him and he'd replied that he was proud of me for what I'd accomplished and saw "a budding strength" in me. I said it felt good to hear him say he thought I was doing better and that it validated my thoughts. He said he'd wanted to mention before that he thought I was making progress, but hesitated to do so without my saying anything. He said since I said it, he felt OK confirming it. T: "I didn't want to say it before because I was afraid if you thought I was proud of how you were doing, you might want me to keep feeling that way. So maybe if you weren't doing as well as I thought you were, you'd be reluctant to tell me." Me: "Like, I'd want to be the good client?" T: "Yes, like that." Me: "And please you?" T: "Yes, that's what I was concerned about. So that's why I didn't say anything." Me: "I thought you were going to go in a different direction. That you were concerned if you said I was doing well, I'd think you wanted me to come less often. Or to stop coming at all." T: "I hadn't thought of that, but it makes sense, too."

Me: "The thing is...I was thinking about it, and I'm not sure if ex-T ever really said she was proud of me? Or that she thought I'd made a lot of progress. Part of what made me leave in the end was she was saying how I still struggled with anxiety and depression, and it felt like she thought I hadn't made progress. While I thought I'd made a lot of progress. So it was really hard for me." T: "I can imagine." Me: "But the thing is, I mean, I'm probably going to struggle with anxiety and depression in some level my whole life, right? It's not realistic to expect it to go away, it's more about finding ways to cope.Right?" T: "yes, as I've said, you're a 'double dipper' (genetic and socialized for anxiety/depression). So it's not like it will just go away. You may learn to cope with it at a level that you might not think about it for months or even years. But it may still be there. It's not the same as someone who hasn't had mental health issues before who suddenly has to deal with something in life--they could fully bounce back." Me: "Yeah...but it was hard to think she felt I should have improved more. It felt kind of like I was a failure..."

T: "I'm curious as to how you feel about your whole experience with her." Me: "Hm...Well, I think she really helped me with anxiety in the first few years. But then once the transference with ex-MC started...I don't know. I feel like she didn't know how to deal with that." T: "It was probably more complicated that she worked with him, that he was her colleague and friend." Me: "And technically boss..." T: "Yeah, and they worked spitting distance from each other--I don't know why they say 'spitting distance.' It probably would have been better to have been seeing someone outside of that, who had distance from it." Me: "Yeah...and some people said when I opted to see you, once I learned that you used to work with them--apparently I should have studied your CV!--but they said you were probably too close, too."

Talked about how ex-T would be critical of ex-MC. Like I'd tell her how a phone call from him helped me, and then she'd say, "He shouldn't be talking to you on the phone." And that would feel hurtful to me, because it was like, did I not deserve for him to care about/help me in that way? And how once I was like, "I probably shouldn't tell you how long we talked on the phone," and she said, "I don't want to know." T said he understood how that was difficult for me. I said I felt she should have dealt with it on her own. T: "Or gone to ex-MC and said, 'What the f*** are you doing?'" Me: "Yeah..."

I said was likely complicated, too, because I was expressing my preference for ex-MC to ex-T. Like listening more to what he said, trusting him more. How maybe that was hard for her. I also mentioned how she just randomly suggested at one point that I go into the hospital, and I didn't even think I was doing that badly then. I said how later when i questioned that, she said she felt she'd gotten too close to me and maybe wasn't being objective, so she was trying to distance herself more. T seemed to understand how the hospital suggestion would upset me. T: "In the time I've been seeing you, I've never felt you needed to be hospitalized." Me: "Thanks. But even when the stuff was first happening with ex-MC and the email? I was in a pretty bad place then." T: "Yes, you were pretty distraught, but I didn't feel you were in danger." Me: "Yes, I guess you were right."

I said how I felt at first, he was sort of siding with ex-MC, how it was difficult for me. T said he didn't want to be too critical of him because I probably had some good stuff come out of that relationship, too. And he didn't want to taint that or take the positive parts away from me. I said there were definitely good parts, and I hadn't thought of it in that way regarding his reaction.

Was about end of session. Me: "So I realized something. For the past month or so, I've been able to talk about ex-MC in here without crying." [I start tearing up.] "Great, now I'm starting to cry!" T: "I think that shows the progress you've made in your grief." Me: "Yeah." (appreciating that he refers to it as "grief" because that's what it is).

Me: "I know we have to stop, but I do appreciate you saying you're proud of me. I understand why you didn't say it before, but I'm glad you said it now." T just smiled.

Confirmed Thursday. T: "The next week will be weird for me." He said he'd only be in office Mon. and Tues., "but that's the only session I should miss in October." I opted for Tuesday. Went over to pay and commented how I hoped it wasn't raining, because I thought I had umbrella in the car but didn't. T: "I finally bought an umbrella the other day. They're only like $5, I don't know why I didn't just buy one." Me: "Yeah." Shook hands as T said, "Good luck out there!" Me: "You, too." T: "Maybe it will be sunny for next session." Me: "Maybe?" T: "Take care." Me: "You, too."