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Default Sep 25, 2018 at 12:12 AM
  #161
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Originally Posted by SheHulk07 View Post
I don't want to burn any bridges by ghosting Emdr T and not feeling like a crap person. He asked why do I worry about burning bridges and how previously relationships have ended for me. I said I just didn't want to burn bridges in case I ever decided to go back to him for Emdr in the future because I dont know of many Ts that accept my insurance and do emdr around. T then made a statement about differentiating social and professional relationships about how I worry about upsetting people, burning bridges etc.
It is difficult to treat therapists as if they are not human beings.

Are they not men, with senses, affections and passions? If we prick them, do they not bleed?

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Default Sep 25, 2018 at 12:24 AM
  #162
I never found it all that difficult. When they are playing therapist, I don't believe they are wanting to be human.

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Default Sep 25, 2018 at 05:46 AM
  #163
Met with T yesterday morning. It was a nice fall type day so we decided to walk . My sessions are going well again
I feel t and I have been thru various and fairly frequent ruptures this year and its been hard on me.

But I'm doing okay in life right now besides being in a lot of pain from my car wreck and my numb hands from carpal tunnel issues

Anyway I'm glad t and I are okay again

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Default Sep 25, 2018 at 02:27 PM
  #164
When I began the session sitting on the floor with my back to the wall and hugging my knees he asked if this was going to be a regular thing now (this was like the fourth time). The first couple times he didn't seem to really understand it, thinking I didn't think I was worth sitting in the chair or something? Like that I was denying myself the comfort of the chair. It's not even a comfortable chair. I told him it made me feel safe and he asked from what. But this time he asked if it was because I could hug my knees and I said yes. I told him I used to do it when I was a kid alone in my room at night when I was sad, and that it was a "self soothing" thing (he's been trying to get me to do self soothing stuff). He seemed to kind of accept it and "get it" a bit more.

He said he wanted to bring up the disclosure he'd made at the end of the last session about his daughter, and that afterwords he'd realized that that might have been a mistake and he wanted to apologize because he knew how important boundaries were to me, especially because of therapists in the past telling me way too much. I told him I'd noted it as unusual, but that it hadn't bothered me. I said it would bother me if it was all the time, but that it wasn't the type of disclosure that would really bother me. It wasn't about him/his feelings or something that made me feel like I needed to protect him or whatever. That with him I didn't worry about needing to protect him because I was able to trust him to be responsible for and handle his own s**t.

Part of me was bothered by him apologizing because it had felt kind of nice that after 9 months of working together he'd trusted me with a tiny piece of information about his personal life, and now he was saying that that was a mistake. But I also appreciated that the apology meant that the boundaries he has about these kinds of things are for my sake, not because he is completely detached or I'm not important/good enough to be "allowed" to have looser boundaries or that it's some kind of punishment (?) or response to my attachment because my attachment is bad and wrong and not allowed.

I made some reference to remembering stuff and what happened and all that. He asked what I meant by "it" or something. I don't remember how exactly he phrased it, but it seemed like he thought I might mean
Possible trigger:

I clarified that I just meant like specifics of what my father did rather than just the vague undefined "I know he was a jerk to me and emotionally/verbally abusive, but I can't really explain how because I don't remember specifics" thing. Like that I'd forgotten that a lot of our arguments were when he'd accuse me of something I didn't do and punish me until I "admitted" to it, and if I didn't then I got in even more trouble for "disrespect" and "disobedience." I also forgot about him getting drunk at night and being really really strict about "lights off" and how much trouble I'd get in if I had my light on or got out of bed after 9pm. Stuff like that.

We talked about the intense emotional reactions I'd originally had to remembering stuff. I said it didn't make sense. There was disgust with myself and I felt really strong anger/frustration that wasn't really directed at anything in particular and I wanted to scream and punch things and I felt dirty and wrong and gross and like no one should be able to bear to look at me and I wanted to claw all my own skin off.
He said something like that that must have been really painful to feel that way. He seemed to genuinely think so/care. I kind of shrugged it off, and he pointed out my pattern of tending to discount and minimize my own distress.
I told him that after those super intense reactions now for like the past week I've just felt emotionally detached from all of it again, and I didn't know what that meant. Does it mean it wasn't really a big deal? He didn't really give me an answer on that.

We talked about how when I'd been younger I hadn't hated myself. SH was "self soothing," not about punishing myself. It made me feel better. He said something like that I must have been in a lot of pain for that to be something to make myself feel better.

I brought up the idea of taking SH off the table. He'd asked me last time if I was ready to do so. I told him I wasn't. I couldn't really explain why. I said that it would feel "alone" but I couldn't explain what that meant. I said that when he'd terminate to get me to go do DBT it had felt like being sent off to be fixed before he'd be willing to put up with me, like sending a disobedient kid off to boarding school to get someone else to train them to be obedient. That it made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He reminded me that he'd done it because he didn't have the background to help me with DBT type stuff that he thought I needed and pointed out that those skills had been helpful for me, all of which I already knew. And he said something about self compassion, blah blah blah.
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Default Sep 25, 2018 at 02:44 PM
  #165
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Originally Posted by LabRat27 View Post
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That sounds like a really difficult session. I wanted to say that I really identify with the part I quoted here (kept it under trigger warning to be safe). I have these same fears and feelings about my T. After what happened with ex-MC--and T saying that I should have expected a strong reaction after telling ex-MC I loved him--I feel like I have to hide my feelings. At this point, I love T, and I feel I could never tell him that. And I hate that. From stuff with ex-MC and other stuff from my past, I feel like my loving someone is some scary thing that I have to keep under wraps or risk losing them (I was terrified when I first realized I loved H, for example). Like my love is a poison almost, or at least a threat.

I felt strong caring in T's eyes yesterday, maybe even bordering on love? But that scares me, because if it's there...then it could go away. I could do something to make it go away. Because I also got that from ex-MC... I also fear the asking for too much, needing too much. I've already pushed too much once or twice with email. (And the whole stone thing.) But then yesterday, he was saying that I talked about one time a couple months ago that I didn't email him, because I feared being too much, and he said (yesterday) that I did myself a disservice then, how I should have just emailed. But I don't think he realizes what the fear is like... The line may be very clear in his head, but I can't see it. I don't know when I might cross it, so I tend to err on the side of maybe staying too far back from it. Or getting close, then being like "Oh no" and running away. He says he'll be honest with me (and has been) if anything is anywhere approaching too much, and I don't think he understands how scary that is for me.

Anyway, sorry to derail there...I think I need to discuss some of this with him (minus the love part of course). And maybe it would help you to discuss some of these thoughts/fears with your T as well?
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Default Sep 25, 2018 at 03:14 PM
  #166
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
That sounds like a really difficult session. I wanted to say that I really identify with the part I quoted here (kept it under trigger warning to be safe). I have these same fears and feelings about my T. After what happened with ex-MC--and T saying that I should have expected a strong reaction after telling ex-MC I loved him--I feel like I have to hide my feelings. At this point, I love T, and I feel I could never tell him that. And I hate that. From stuff with ex-MC and other stuff from my past, I feel like my loving someone is some scary thing that I have to keep under wraps or risk losing them (I was terrified when I first realized I loved H, for example). Like my love is a poison almost, or at least a threat.

I felt strong caring in T's eyes yesterday, maybe even bordering on love? But that scares me, because if it's there...then it could go away. I could do something to make it go away. Because I also got that from ex-MC... I also fear the asking for too much, needing too much. I've already pushed too much once or twice with email. (And the whole stone thing.) But then yesterday, he was saying that I talked about one time a couple months ago that I didn't email him, because I feared being too much, and he said (yesterday) that I did myself a disservice then, how I should have just emailed. But I don't think he realizes what the fear is like... The line may be very clear in his head, but I can't see it. I don't know when I might cross it, so I tend to err on the side of maybe staying too far back from it. Or getting close, then being like "Oh no" and running away. He says he'll be honest with me (and has been) if anything is anywhere approaching too much, and I don't think he understands how scary that is for me.

Anyway, sorry to derail there...I think I need to discuss some of this with him (minus the love part of course). And maybe it would help you to discuss some of these thoughts/fears with your T as well?
I really related to the stone thing. It was the kind of thing I would have wanted to ask for/would have felt, and the reaction was exactly the reaction I'm terrified of getting. I'm glad your T was able to eventually understand better and be okay with it, but I'm sorry he reacted that way in the first place and I can only imagine how hurtful that must have been.
It's where a lot of my shame comes from, like if he knew he wouldn't even be able to look at me without being disgusted, would be horrified by it. He says it's okay to be vulnerable and want to be cared about, etc, and that it's understandable that I wanted my mom to be there and comfort me when I was a kid, but he's not my parent and I'm an adult now and I'm scared of the reaction that that's not what he meant and it's different and unacceptable.
And I'm probably catastrophizing. I wrote a note like a few weeks or a month ago (because I couldn't say it aloud) about wanting too much from him, it being shameful and disgusting, etc. and he thanked me for trusting him and said it must have been really hard for me to tell him that and was super understanding/validating/nonjudgmental, and a few sentences into it it became clear that he thought I meant erotic/romantic transference and I was like nooooo, that's definitely not what I meant (I don't judge others for ET, it's just not something I have with him and with my much more parental type transference and the child-like place that it comes from it's kind of a squick to think about the idea of feeling that way about him). But I still haven't been able to tell him exactly what I want from him other than I want him to care about me.

I keep thinking back to very early on, before the whole termination thing in May, when I asked him if I could show him my self harm scars (upper arms, not like taking my clothes off). He thought about it and then said he didn't think it would be a good idea based on what I'd told him before about wanting other people to "react" to it and seem bothered by it, and that he was worried that however he responded/reacted I would find a way to use it against myself or something (I don't remember how exactly he phrased it). He was right to say no, and I appreciate that he thought about it and thought about what would be in my best interests.
And, at the same time, it really really stung to be told no and I felt guilty and ashamed for asking for something that I shouldn't have asked for and for having wanted him to care and for having thought he might have some kind of reaction to seeing my scars. (He's seen them since then because it's been hot and I've worn shorter sleeves at times, but I wasn't really trying to scrutinize him for a reaction, mostly because he probably would have been able to tell and that wasn't something I was "supposed to"/"allowed to" do.)
And I don't want to have something like that happen again. I want to have learned my lesson. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I don't want to ask for too much again.

Thank you for responding. I don't see it as derailing, I really appreciate that I'm not the only one and it helps me feel less ashamed because I don't think it's something you should have to feel ashamed for, like the whole "what would you say to someone else in the same position" kind of thing.
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Default Sep 26, 2018 at 08:16 AM
  #167
Just had a pretty bizarre session (or really, lack of session). I showed up, started talking about something complicated that happened over the weekend that reminded me of something I've been working on in therapy. And then after about 5 minutes, suddenly these incredibly loud noises (power tools, constant hammering) start up that are so disruptive that my therapist and I can barely hear one another. He apologized profusely and went out to investigate; turns out there's construction happening in the building's hallway right up against his office wall, and they're not willing to stop. So he apologizes some more and says we should stop the session, at which point the noise stops. We keep going, but the noise starts up again. We gave up and I left, feeling pretty angry about the whole situation. Not my therapist's fault, but it felt intensely frustrating to do all the work of getting there and beginning to open up, only to get cut off and have to leave after 10 minutes.
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Default Sep 26, 2018 at 09:11 AM
  #168
Most of the other Ts working in my Ts practice seemed to be in today. Could hear lots of chatter while waiting. Kind of wondered what people think of my sessions compared to what they seem to do, I think at least half of my sessions are usually just filled with silence and sobbing/crying.

Anyways, T came and we went to his office. I said I had a question before we start. I'll have to get a job soon, probably in the town where my partner lives. But that will mean that I will not live in the same 'state' as my T works anymore. And I didn't know how it works with insurance, whether I would be still allowed to see him in this situation. T said it shouldn't be a problem. We are free to choose doctors from all over the country here, apparently. He asked whether I planned on working in that city then? I said yes. T mentioned that it would mean I have to travel more to see him and I replied that I'm doing that journey already anyways, I only live in Ts town on paper. And I like the commute, I can think about what to discuss on the way there, and write my notes on the way back.

So, my week, my SO has a week off currently. On Saturday we got way too high and threw up all over our apartment. T laughed and mentioned how our dose was a bit high. Then I told him how last night we fought because I couldn't fall asleep. I got angry and woke up my partner in my rage, which he wasn't happy about. But otherwise it's going fine for the most part. Other than he mentioned on the weekend that he ignores my emotions because I have too many. T asked for an example. I said on Sunday I was sad, I don't remember the reason, but there was one. And my partner wouldn't hug me or talk to me or similar, he just ignores it. T said some people do that, it's his way of coping. How that doesn't mean he doesn't care. That maybe he gets sad when I am sad, that that would show empathy and caring as well. It doesn't have to be a hug. I nodded. Then T said people in relationships often get angry. I said I don't know whether that's the case. T said he thinks so, that it's normal. That it doesn't mean that the people in the relationship don't like each other anymore.

I mentioned I had written to my mom about her invitation to a trip to the US. T asked what I had written. I wrote that I don't feel well enough currently and that I'd rather not go. What was her reply? I don't know, I'm now scared to check my e-mails... T asked what she might reply? I said that I also gave some suggestions for a place to eat together in a few weeks. Mom will probably reply to that part and ignore the rest. He asked does that mean she'd be a bit upset? I nodded. He said how I need to tolerate that feeling that she might be mad or upset. But I also need to have faith that she can do the same, she can tolerate these feelings. Just like I'm learning to cope and how to self-sooth when I'm sad, she can do that too.

I said how I had missed him a lot yesterday, but we didn't go into that bit really.

I started hugging my jacked and closed my eyes. T asked what was going on. I said I'm sad. He wanted to know what was making me sad. I said I don't really know... I'm thinking about stuff, but I wasn't thinking those things when I first became sad. He said that doesn't matter, what is it? I replied I'm scared because I feel alone. T said that's probably because of all the trauma around being alone. What does 'being alone' mean to me? I said it means sadness, fear, having nobody who comforts you. He asked whether there was more. I said it means having nobody who listens to anything, to what I experienced today or how I feel. And I can't listen to anyone telling me those things about themselves either. He asked whether my partner is interessted in those things, to which I replied it depends. He likes my hobbies, but my feelings not so much. T said some people show love differently, they don't buy you flowers or hug you all the time, but they still love you. And since we've already been together for a few years, probably my partner likes me, he just shows it differently.

After some silence, I said I feel like I don't have any friends, my boyfriend hates me and my family does too. T asked whether I feel it's bad if people are angry with me. I nodded. Because people leave when they are mad? Yes! He asked more about what happened tonight with my partner. What happened exactly? I told him that I went to bed around 1 am, while my partner stayed awake for some more time until about 3:30. I woke up as he got into bed, went to the bathroom and we snuggled a bit before I tried to sleep again. But I couldn't fall asleep, shifted around a lot, drank some water and had to pee some more because of that. And at some point after like 1.5 hours I started to kick my blanket and rage about how I can't sleep, which woke up my boyfriend and made him mad. T said it was pretty obvious he'd get mad. I said yes, I'd get mad as well! Then we discussed how we've already been in a relationship for six years and how sometimes people get angry, that it's normal. I said I think with me it's more than in a normal relationship, to which T agreed. But he said that everyone has their issues and that my partner probably isn't the easiest person to deal with either.

Then we talked about some of my friends and how I could get into contact with some of them to make me feel less alone.

I started crying again, T brought me a tissue. He asked again what made me sad. I said I didn't know and he told me to just try to feel the emotion, to try to figure out where it comes from. I said I'm upset that I always have to be so scared. That everything is harder because of it. I just want to be normal and have relationships like everyone else. T said I'm allowed to be sad about that. That it's even good, that it is healing. He agreed that life sometimes sucks and that it's not nice to live like this. And said I can be sad about that, to just let myself be sad. Then I cried for a while, tried to feel that I'm sad and about what. Sometimes it was hard to feel, sometimes it worked. Then at some point T helped me calm down since we were nearing the end of the session. When I was more or less calm, he said he thinks it's better to stop here and confirmed with me that we will see on Friday.
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Default Sep 26, 2018 at 04:08 PM
  #169
I was not really looking forward to my therapists session today. I didn't really know what to say today. I kind of failed the exercises he suggested me to do. Previous sessions we worked out very well the problems I'm facing. It's mainly anxiety and the only way to face that anxiety is to confront it. Feel it. Not avoiding it. But I've been avoiding again.

My therapist made clear that I'm the only one we can change that. I have to stop avoiding. It's not something I can change in the therapist office. I have to do it in real life. Start practicing it.

Next session will be in two months. I'm starting a new job on Monday. We'll be evaluating then how things went. I have to make new social contacts to expand my social network here. We'll be evaluating then.
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Default Sep 27, 2018 at 01:13 AM
  #170
Followed up from Monday in our session today. Told him that I SH after our session in Monday because of what we talked about. He asked if he caused mr to be upset and I told him no, that it came from the fear that if I drop Emdr T and then he terminates with me, then I'll be stuck without any professional help. He asked if that's something I worry about and I said yes that I worry I'll be too much for one T to deal with and they'll say that they can't help me. He asked if I worry about myself disappearing if I get upset during therapy instead of discussing it with him. I told him I have ghosted people before but on the other hand I've stuck with a T I really liked for 3 years and our old mc for 18 months for marriage therapy. He said that he's not going to make the decision for me about what to do about seeing him vs seeing EMDR T, but said that if I decide to see him that he wants to try 3 times a week. He did say that I can decide to see emdr T and do whatever work I want to with him and then call him whenever I'm done. I told him I'd much rather try it out with him and see how it goes, but that terminating with Emdr will be a hard thing to do. He also said something about that my medical care also has to be a priority and that we need to talk about me missing my appointments because it affects my mental health as well...I think he was talking about seeing the Dr about the SH but I didn't clarify. I told him I see EMDR T tomorrow and will have the discussion about terminating with him then. We set up our 3rd session starting next week and he said to call him if I wanted or needed to before Monday even though he knows I'm uncomfortable about being a bother. I'm just not sure how I feel after today's session. It's not lile Emdr t is super helpful besides that I know that I can reach out to him and email him between sessions but I have never terminated with a T without it being their decision or by me just ghosting them. I don't know how tomorrow's session will go with emdr and I'm so nervous.
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Default Sep 27, 2018 at 06:13 PM
  #171
Well I did it...I made a decision and ended it with my Emdr T. I went into session today and he said he had called and left my T2 a message but didn't hear back yet. Told me that he's okay with seeing me at the same time as T2 because insurance allows it and as long as we worked on different issues. Asked what T2 and I have discussed about it and I told him that T2 wanted me to make a decision about who to continue with and because we weren't able to do Emdr currently that I'd like to try it out with T2 only. We talked about down the line that I can always reach him and start back up again if my H moves out or a long time goes by where I actually trust H to not continue with the SA. Said he really enjoyed working with me and that I'm motivated etc etc. Also made a comment that he thinks if it weren't for my PCP getting involved then the whole thing with seeing 2 Ts probably wouldn't have been an issue. But it's done and I just feel weird now...just numb and hoping that T2 is worth this decision.
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Default Sep 27, 2018 at 10:02 PM
  #172
A snippet from today (paraphrased for the sake of brevity and memory)....

Me: I feel....(long pause)...I'm trying to come up with a non-judgmental word, but I can't. I feel stupid for expecting that things had changed, even a little.

T: Hopeful. You felt hopeful. Hope is a good thing to feel. It's hard to let go of.

Me: (start crying, can't speak)

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Default Sep 28, 2018 at 03:26 AM
  #173
((Socks)) you aren't stupid for hoping.
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Default Sep 28, 2018 at 09:59 AM
  #174
T yesterday--Talked about assorted stuff in the beginning. Then a bit about ex-MC since I'm seeing the concert this weekend of the same band I saw the night I sent the "I love you so much" email. T asked if I'd emailed ex-MC recently, like in relation to that. Me: "No, I'm trying to avoid emailing him." T: "Why are you trying to avoid it?" Me: "Uh, because I'm a former client and don't know if it's OK." T: "So you're concerned about crossing a boundary?" Me: "Yes. And that he'll say I can't email anymore." T: "Oh OK." I also was thinking, isn't it bad for me to stay in contact with him for other reasons? But didn't say that...

I said how I felt I hadn't been discussing the therapeutic relationship with himas much lately--had he noticed that, too? He said he had. T: "I wasn't sure if it was because you made a conscious choice to do that or just didn't feel the need to. Like maybe it's just because I hadn't tipped the apple cart lately." Me: "Yeah, it may partly be because you haven't f***ed up lately." T: "I went with 'tip the apple cart,' but we can go with 'f***ed up' if you prefer." Me: "OK. the thing is, there are some things I want to discuss about it, but I feel like things are going well here between us, and I don't want to mess them up. But then..."

T: "It's OK to talk about it. What did you want to discuss?" Me: "Uh..." I went on to say something about feeling connected to him lately and how that scared me a bit and...I forget what else. T: "I don't want to sound arrogant, but I've probably had clients who had romantic feelings for me who didn't tell me. But for those who did tell me, we were able to continue working together. Unless they were aggressively trying to push my boundaries." Me: "...........Uh, that's not what I was going to talk about. I don't have romantic feelings for you." T: "Oh. OK."

I think...I tried to explain what I meant by the connection thing? Parts of this are a bit hazy because I was trying to process what he'd just said. I know I used the word "connected" in there in trying to explain it, and he was like, "dependent?" I said, "Maybe a bit, but that's not what I mean..."

I said I wanted to feel like I could tell him anything, but I felt like he suggested I shouldn't tell him certain things. T: "If I gave that impression, I didn't mean to." Me: "Like about looking at your photo when you were out of town. You implied I shouldn't have told you that." T: "but it was OK that you did. It didn't hurt our relationship." Me: "Yeah, but if I do that again, then if feels like I'm doing something wrong. Like if it's something you don't want to know about." T: "You're not doing anything wrong."

Me (crying): "Or like with the stone--the current one. The other day, I was feeling really sad. Tried talking to friends, thought about emailing you, but held stone instead. And it helped. But I feel like I'm not supposed to tell you that, that it will weird you out." T: "When I let you have a stone again, I assumed you would be holding it some." Me: "OK, but I thought maybe it was sort of an agreement, that it was OK, as long as I didn't tell you about it." T: "I didn't mean to imply that." Me: "OK."

Me: "But I just assumed that because of your reaction to the original stone. I'm sorry to keep bringing that up." T: "But we worked through that. The relationship survived. We may not have agreed about everything, but it was OK." Me: "I mean, you didn't terminate me, but..." T: "In fact, I don't know if you'd agree, but I feel that it ultimately made our relationship stronger." Me: "..." "Because we worked through the conflict." Me: "But I felt shamed, and it made me afraid to tell you things... so I don't see how that made the relationship stronger." I forget what he said to that.

Right near the end, I got out this thing I had scribbled on my list of notes. Me: "Basically, I guess, what I'm wondering is...What would make you stop caring?" T: "Goodness, LT." Me: "I know that's probably not a fair question. But i just worry I'm going to do something to make you stop caring." T: "It would have to be something pretty major, like a threat, or crossing a boundary. Not asking about or clarifying boundaries--that's fine." Me: "Right, OK." T: "Or not respecting my opinion on something." Me: "What? That would make you stop caring?" T: "Just for a little bit, not permanently. It could happen with a partner, too, like with my wife." Me: "..." T: "You'd probably react that way, too, with the compassion drying up for a bit." Me: "Uh, not really."

I used up last tissue in box and had to walk across room to get another tissue because I started crying again. We went right up to a minute before the hour ended. I said he'd probably be getting an email. He said he figured that, was OK. "You know my policy." Me: "Really, I don't. We need to discuss that more at another session." Scheduled, he reminded him about his being away most of next week. Me: "I know." Scheduled for the Monday he's back and that Thursday.

Went over to pay. T: "I just want you to know that all is well on my end. I know you may be worried, but I feel fine about everything we discussed today." Me: "Thanks for saying that. I'll still be emailing you." T: "That's OK." Me: "The question is, do I send something tonight or wait to see what comes up from the concert?" T: "If you need to send a few emails, that's fine, too." Me: "OK, thanks." Shook hands, think he said "Good luck out there" and to have fun at concert. Me: "Thanks."

Emailed him last night, asked if he had any availability today. Seeing him in a half hour.
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Default Sep 28, 2018 at 05:42 PM
  #175
Last night's session was pretty stupid. I cried a lot. I found it hard to express myself. There was a long period of 'radio static'.

I did manage to tell T about a dream I'd had about him, and we talked some about what would happen if I see him at therapy training events in the future. He said he would follow my lead in terms of how much he'd interact with me. It really hurt me to think of seeing him like that - how he'd be so close and yet so far away. I hope it doesn't happen. Or would it be worth it just to see him?

He passed me the box of tissues again (third time he's done that) and we discussed it a bit. I told him about the time that T1 had done it and what my thoughts had been then. He (again) said he wasn't quite sure what had been going on for him in the moment. Just that I'd seemed so incredibly sad and he'd really felt it.

At the end of the session I put my shoes back on and started to incredibly slowly tie my shoelaces. After a bit of struggling I realised what I was doing and remarked on it - "wow, I've never taken this long to put my shoes on before..."

T laughed and said he'd thought he was about to witness something entirely unique - a person tying a shoelace with one hand. I hadn't even noticed I was trying to do it with one hand!

I laughed too, and theorised that unconsciously I didn't want to leave, so I was making myself tie my shoelaces with one hand so that I'd be there all night (actually probably true). He said "good interpretation! I should try that some time."
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Default Sep 29, 2018 at 06:54 AM
  #176
First, we talked a bunch about the last two days. I had checked the email my mom sent in response to me declining an invitation to the US, had reconnected with a few friends and had started searching for jobs. We discussed all those things in some detail.
Then we talked about how I had been exhausted after the last session. T said I looked like there was something I wasn't letting out in the last 15 minutes or so that session. He asked what might have been going on, but I didn't know. We tried to figure it out for a while and discussed things I had been thinking about on the way home from the session, but couldn't really get anywhere.
After that we discussed that I might try to go visit a teacher at my old high school. I'm a bit scared of it because there's lots of bad memories associated with the place. But T thinks it might be a good idea to go there, maybe try it on a weekend when nobody's around so it's not akward to freak out. We talked a bunch about high school in general, what subjects I took and how well-prepared for university I was after it. The first 45 minutes of the session were rather uneventful.

In the last 10 minutes or so, I got very sad. I said it might be because I'm scared he'd be angry with me, even though there wasn't any reason for that. That somehow developped into a conversation of how I might make people scared of me by acting out on my emotions. T then went on to say I always seem angry when he gets me from the waiting room. I asked why and he said because I never look at him. I felt even worse about that, since I am rarely angry with him and don't want him to think that. So I tried to explain why I don't look at him. I don't really want to share it here, but he reacted very well.

After getting home I was again very tired, tried to stay up for a while to not kill my sleep schedule.
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Default Sep 29, 2018 at 01:07 PM
  #177
I started my session by saying I'm kind of mad that I've been doing this long enough to recognize a cyclical pattern to this whole healing process that I'm going through, and that I'd rather just get it over with all at once and be done. That made t laugh. I talked about the way that coming into a new place of center, balance, peace also seems to bring about new grief and anger to process. We circled around to this idea at the end of the session. I likened it to a window with layers of that opaque window film. Each time a new layer is peeled off, I can see my joyful life more clearly but that clarity also brings the grief and anger into new light, and I don't want to see, look at, deal with that part.

She reminded me that this is what it's like. She says, A bite at a time.

I talked about how I felt that I'd failed in some way. About trying to find the balance between being fair and being selfish, and holding myself to my own high standards of what is right and fair. I can't step outside my own head to see where I am being fair and where I am blinded by my own perceptions.
She offered some gentle reframing a few times during this conversation. Instead of stupid, hopeful. (Which completely undid me.) Instead of selfish, self advocating. Finding my voice. Being strong. It felt good, genuine, because my t is pretty good at letting me wrestle my own stuff, and is not one to throw out affirmation just to fill the space. Maybe I was just being extra hard on myself that day. She mention at the end of the session that I am an expert at beating myself up, which is an ongoing thread.

I started trying to talk about the ways that the conversation I'd had with the kids' dad left me feeling greater clarity and less safety. I talked about locking my door, and that his response was that he thought I'd have been further along in my recovery right now. I know that it is laughably ridiculous, but I can't get to that space because I am also distressed by it. It's stirred up the flashback-y stuff, the memories, worst when I am drifting off to sleep and my mind is unguarded, and how I am sometimes overwhelmed with a sense of WHY AM I STILL HERE??? as though I need to escape. But it was all hard to speak about, stilted, I couldn't get to...something. I felt blocked and off.

So we started talking about something else. My dreams, I think. And then t started talking about....something. I could hear that she was talking but I couldn't focus on what she was saying. So I asked her to hold on, that I needed a minute. That sometimes when we circle close to the ugly stuff, I seem to have a delayed reaction. I felt short of breath and my stomach hurt and my face was hot. I remember vividly the way my fingertips felt cool when I pressed them on my cheekbones. Then I just started talking, partly to keep myself present...about how angry I was, and not knowing how to be productively angry, so I am stuck with this anger that doesn't have anywhere to go.

I suddenly started talking about the whole chain of events and behaviors that I can see in retrospect, and how seeing the escalations all strung together makes the whole thing seem somehow inevitable. So why couldn't I see it and stop it? But it's SO easy to see in hindsight, not in the middle of all of the cycling and irrationality, and that the uncontrollable unpredictable nature of it makes me angry too.

I didn't even know that was there. (Like I need something else to be p*ssed off about. Better out than in, I guess.)

Then we started talking our way up and out. About how it's not just the grief and anger that gets uncovered and that I feel I am peeling off the layers and getting closer to my joyful self, about parenting teens, about a few other odds and ends. She told me that this is the first time she's heard such concrete clarity from me about the future. And we wrapped up. It felt like we'd been talking for four hours instead of one.

I came home and talked to my kids, and then shut down completely.

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Default Sep 29, 2018 at 01:23 PM
  #178
Extra T session yesterday, which I'd requested. Went back and sat down. T: "You have a can instead of a bottle today. I barely recognized you." Me: "Yeah, ran out of Perrier, stuck with canned seltzer."

I said I was trying to figure out where to start, what I wanted to say. He mentioned my email from the night before, the he wanted to comment on something I said in there: "Lately, I've felt connected to you (in a human-to-human sense, not romantic). Like we're understanding each other. And like you're accepting me. In a way, that feels good. But it's also kind of terrifying. Because if it's there, it can also go away." He wanted to ask me to talk more about that feeling. Is it just with him or with connections to anyone? I said: "Pretty much with anyone. You, friends, significant others." T: "Can you talk more about what it feels like?" Me: "It's like I feel connected to someone, which feels good, but then it's like, 'aaaaghh!!!'" T: "What you just said is basically a one-sentence definition of the anxious attachment style." Me: "Yeah..." I asked about how I could stop being like that, and now I'm trying to remember what he said...(I was really anxious during session, which is affecting my memories of parts of it).

I said I wanted to discuss what he'd said about thinking I had romantic feelings for him. But I was afraid to discuss it, because, as a friend had mentioned, then it might seem like a "methinks thou doth protest too much" thing, and then he'd think I actually had them. He said he wouldn't think that.

He apologized for jumping to that conclusion. I asked if there was anything I'd done to make him think that. He said no. T: "I just couldn't think of anything else that you'd be so afraid to share with me. Because I could tell you wanted to say something but seemed scared of my reaction." Me: "Oh, OK." T: "Unless it's like you want to kill H." Me: "No!"
Possible trigger:

Me: "I guess the reason I was so worried about you thinking I had romantic feelings is because of how you reacted to something with ex-MC." T: "What do you mean?" Me: "The email I sent him, the I 'love you so much' one. Where you understood his reaction. I figured that would mean you'd react in the same way if you thought a client felt that way." T: "I was trying to suggest what could have been going through his head, not so much as Dr. Ex-MC, but as [Ex-MC's first and last name]. Like what he may have been feeling as a person rather than as a therapist." Me: "You mean, as a therapist, he might have been thinking, 'this is clearly just transference.' But as a person, it felt different?" T: "Yes, like that. Again, I don't know what he was feeling, it was just speculation."

Me: "Hm...so like as a therapist, he could be very accepting of anything I said. But him as a person might not be." T: "Exactly." Me: "The phone call I had with him, after that email, where I kept bothering him with emails and texts, and where i was pretty harsh to him in the one text...where he called me and was like, 'I have 2 minutes and I'm going to do all the talking.' That didn't feel like Dr. Ex-MC. I feel like maybe I was getting [Dr. Ex-MC's first name] there instead of him as a therapist. And I think that may have been why it was so jarring to me...because he was so different than he is in session or otherwise on the phone." T: "That could have been the case."

Me: "The thing is, I don't get the sense you have so much of a facade as him. I mean, maybe you're even more blunt with people in your outside life than you are in here, but..." T, laughing, "I'm not sure that's possible, I'm pretty blunt in here." Me: "Good point! But with ex-MC, I had this illusion that I really knew him. But I didn't."

T: "Do you feel comfortable sharing with me what you're afraid to talk about?" Me: "I don't know...I mean, on the way here, one of my friends messaged me basically saying, 'Be careful what you say--don't make things worse with him!' And I keeping thinking about that. I don't know if I should share." T: "It's OK to share it. It will be OK." Me (crying and having an internal battle about whether to share): "F***! I...I can't."

Me: "I just keeping thinking about your reaction to something, how you didn't believe me, but then actually, I wasn't being honest, so you were right to not believe me." T: "What are you talking about?" Me: "Sorry, I know that didn't make any sense, you'd need to be able to see the circuits in my brain to understand that. I mean, I don't even understand it myself! I just don't want to mess everything up."

T: "Why do you think you'd mess everything up?" Me: "I don't know...because of things you've said. Your reactions to things. Or like how you said we end up talking about the therapeutic relationship too much." T: "I don't think I said we talk about it too much. It's more that, if our sessions were to all end up being mostly about our relationship, then I'd be wondering how much I was actually helping you. Or if I was just creating new problems. Since remember, my goal is to work myself out of a job." Me: "Yeah." T: "I want to help you so that eventually you wouldn't need to see me anymore because you would have stronger outside relationships." I started crying. T: "That makes you sad..." Me: "I guess it does...but I think I'm also crying because that's something I want, the stronger relationships."

Somehow we got to me saying how I tend to feel that I need to make him laugh or otherwise entertain him, like I need to do more than just pay him. He said he remembered my saying that before and wondered why it was. T: "Are you hoping I'll look at my schedule and think, 'Yay, I'm seeing LT next!'" Me: "Not so much, 'Yay, I'm seeing LT,' as I don't want you to be thinking, 'Oh no, now I have to see LT...'" T: "I can assure you that I've never thought, 'Oh no,' when I've seen you on my schedule." Me: "Well, I mean, I know I can be difficult sometimes, so." T: "LT, I would never lie to you. I've never felt that way about seeing you." Me: "OK."

Me: "I'm still trying to figure out whether to share the one thing. Maybe I just need to get it out." T: "It will be OK. I want you to trust in the strength of our relationship." Me: "OK...it's just...I guess....lately I've realized I've had...some...platonic...love feelings for you...I'm sorry..." I was hiding my face behind a tissue, scared to look at him to see his reaction. T: "I'm completely fine with that. I know you tend to feel a close connection to your therapists. And we've probably had, what, 100 sessions by this point? So it's not surprising that you'd have those sorts of feelings." Me: "OK. it's just...I vowed I'd never tell you. But then I was afraid you'd figure it out, like from the thera-versary email, or maybe a particular way I looked at you or reacted." T: "How does it feel now, having said it?" Me: "I guess, I mean, I'm scared, but there's also a sense of relief. Because i don't have to hide it anymore." T: "And then we can move forward with our relationship from here."

Me: "OK. I'm just...I tried so hard to avoid even developing the feelings. But it's like if I fight against something, that makes it worse. But I just kept thinking, I can never tell you." T: "LT, it's OK. And you said it's platonic, so that's essentially just saying that you like me a lot." Me: "Yeah...and I feel like I have a looser definition of 'love' than some people might have. Like some might only use it for family or friends, and that's fine." T: "Yes, people might define it differently."

Me: "Also...I know I've mentioned my thinking you're attractive before. And I know it might not make sense to...any normal person...that I can think you're attractive and have love feelings for you without it being romantic. But it's like they're different things in my head." T: "I understand that. It makes sense to me." Me: "OK, good. I can't remember if I ever told you this, but the first time I met you, I realized you were attractive in person, and the first thought I had was literally, 'Oh s***, I hope I'm not making a terrible mistake." T: "I hope that's not what everyone thinks when they first meet me--'Oh s***, am I making a terrible mistake?'" We both laughed.

I knew we had to be out of time, but I kept avoiding looking at the clock so that maybe he also wouldn't notice. I glanced at it, and we were at like 58 minutes. I stood up to throw away my tissue pile and said I knew we had to stop. We'd scheduled the day before, so I just went over to pay. He shook my hand and said he hoped I had fun at the concert that night. I said thanks. I thanked him for the extra session, adding, "I know, it's your job." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

It was an emotional session, but I think it really helped. After I'd shared the love feelings, it was like his demeanor shifted toward me. Like he became...softer in a way, like his face literally softened, and he was more gentle and caring. I think he realized what a big deal it was for me to share that, to trust him with that. And he was trying to make it very clear to me that it was OK. Of course I'm still kinda freaked out...

Last edited by LonesomeTonight; Sep 29, 2018 at 02:13 PM..
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Default Sep 29, 2018 at 05:14 PM
  #179
LT: I swear you could write a book about your therapy. Its so riveting! And I'm jealous at your memory.
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Default Sep 29, 2018 at 05:15 PM
  #180
^ LOL Ya, I forget most things before I leave the parking lot. It is impressive for sure. Agreed

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