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Default Aug 16, 2018 at 12:01 PM
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Default Aug 16, 2018 at 12:11 PM
  #2
T yesterday (a day early because he's out of town today and tomorrow). Went back and sat down. As I put my phone back in my purse, one of my daughter's apps opened and started playing loudly, which made me laugh and broke the ice a bit, then led to brief discussion on children's shows, particularly Dora. I felt an sense of relief that he seemed to be interacting with me and looking at me as usual, after what I'd shared the previous session.

I glanced over at sand tray: "Oh, it's still how I arranged it!" T: "When did you do something in the sand tray?" Me: "On Monday while you were reading the printout to occupy myself. See, it's all the animals gathered round this piece of wood, like it's a fire." T: "Ah so you're anthropomorphizing animals then. Or Disney-fying them." Me: "Don't read too much into it!" T: "I won't!" Brief discussion about how some T's use sand trays, then into drumming, as T said he knows another local therapist who drums and says it regulates heartbeat, like meditation.

Me: "I suppose we should talk more about Monday's session." T: "That was an incredibly short email you sent me!" Me: "Yeah, I know, you were probably surprised!" T: "I was." Me: "But that was all I really needed to know, that you were still OK with it. So what you said was all I needed." T: "It's good you were clear what you wanted." Me: "Though...I suppose you could have answered 'no'..." T: "Then what would have happened?" Me: "Right, we'd have talked about it today." T: "Exactly."

Me: "It's interesting...I know it was the weekend, so I'm sure you were just busy all day, but since I'd emailed you Sunday morning then hadn't heard anything that night and wasn't sure if I would before session...normally my first thought would have been 'Oh he's annoyed with me.'" T: "So what was it?" Me: "OK, now I feel awkward saying this, but...I was hoping you were OK. Like, that you hadn't been hit by a truck or something." T: "Hm, OK." Me: "But I think that's progress of some kind, right? That I didn't jump first to 'You're annoyed with me.' Because I didn't think you would be." T: "That seems like progress to me. Though how much time did you spend concerned about the hit by a truck thing?" Me: "Not that much really, was more a fleeting concern, not like I was obsessed about it. But also a little worried I'd show up and no one would come out to get me. Even though I know we've discussed what would happen in that case." T: "OK, good that you didn't spend long on it."

Me: "So...I'm trying to figure out how to continue Monday's discussion. Any thoughts?" T: "I'd really like you to recap what you feel we talked about. I sat done to write notes right after last session, and I had my pencil above the paper and didn't know what to write." Me: "Well, I think really I'd come to session with just brainstorms and not fully formed ideas. I felt it was more of a to-be-continued. I wasn't totally sure what came out of it either, or how I'd summarize it." T: "OK that makes me feel better."

T: "So I guess the first part, if I understood correctly, was about how you kind of wanted me to be attracted to you? But weren't sure if you wanted that?" Me: "Yeah, pretty much that. But there's also the part where...it seemed kind of paradoxical, but it was like I was afraid of your being attracted to me at the same time." T: "Why do you think that might be? You mean in the sense of, if I treated you differently because of that?" Me: "I think because...attraction is fleeting, it can go away." I started crying, "Like, if you had a younger, prettier client come in, then...maybe you'd forget about me." T: "Do you feel like you want to know if you're my most attractive client?" Me: "I don't know, not exactly...I think it's just all tied up in wanting to feel special, you know? Like I talked about that before with ex-MC, where he said 'You're special, just as all my clients are special,' and even though he said it that way, it's like that was enough, I just needed him to say I was special."

T: "Do you feel like if someone thinks you're special, they'll care more about you? And maybe be less likely to abandon you?" Me: "Yeah, I think that's what it is. Like how I wanted to be teacher's pet, for my bosses to like me...then when I had a job where my boss didn't seem to like me, that was really hard for me. So...I think it's an authority figure thing, because I don't feel the same need to be special, like, to my friends. I mean, maybe sort of, but, not in the same way..."

T said that made sense, and I forget what he said after that, because my mind was busy putting something together. I think a lightbulb may have literally popped up over my head as I was like, "I think I just figured something out." T: "What's that?" Me: "I think the reason I was so upset I was rejected from the PhD program--I mean aside from it being a professional disappointment--I think I've basically been in a depression since then." T: "It was a huge blow." Me: "Yeah, but I just realized that maybe part of why it hit me so hard is that I was basically rejected by 11 authority figures (the professors I had interviews with)."

T: "Hmm." Me: "So it crushed me in that way, too. Did I ever tell you what my mom said when I told her I was formally rejected?" T: "Do I really want to know?" Me: "Maybe not...She said, well, she may have said a brief 'I'm sorry' first, but the main thing she said was, 'Don't you think they were looking for someone with more experience?'" T visibly winced said, "Ouch." Me: "Yeah...it just felt like...she didn't think I should have gotten in anyway. Like, how is that supposed to make me feel?" T: "That reminds me of...now I can't think of it. But it's this square with four options of how to support someone and which is best vs. worst, and her reply would have been 'negative specific.' I think the worst was 'negative general.' But hers is near the bottom. I'll look it up later."

Me: "Yeah...and it was also...she wasn't really checking in with me at all during the process to ask if I'd heard anything." (More tears) "It was like you...and of course H...and some friends, they checked in with me and seemed to care more about whether I got this thing that I really wanted than my own mother did..." T: "Her reaction to the whole thing does seem odd." Me: "Even when I first told her about applying--and I waited until after I'd applied--she seemed negative about it, like not at all excited that she could have a daughter with a doctorate. I wanted her to be excited because I was excited, because it meant something to me."

T: "I really can't understand what's behind her reaction. But it must be her stuff, ot about you." Me: "You mean like her anxiety, like the thing you said about having compassion for her?" T: "I don't see how anxiety would have led her to make that comment though. Maybe something else." Me: "Maybe it's just...it wasn't the path she pictured for me?" T: "Maybe."

T: "I feel like you're continually looking for someone to give you what your parents didn't, in childhood or even now." Me: "You mean looking to you for that?" T: "Not just me." Me: "Authority figures in general?" T: "I really feel like you're looking for it from anyone who could possibly give it to you, whether me, authority figures, friends, anyone." Me: "Yeah, that makes sense." T: "And then when it feels like you might have it, then you get scared, because then you could lose it." Me (crying): "Yes...It's like I both want it and am terrified of it. Hm, just like the thing about you being attracted to me. So I guess this all ties together."

T: "Yes it does seem to connect to the attraction thing." Me: "And something else I kind of realized about that...it's like, OK I feel kind of awkward saying this, but, uh, I think you're an attractive man. So, it's like, Adult LT would be flattered if you found her to be attractive, like because you're attractive, too. But I don't think that's where this is coming from. It feels like it's coming from a younger part of me. Like a little kid part almost." T: "OK, so maybe it's more about being cared for then." Me: "Yeah, like...trying to make up for stuff I didn't get in childhood. Trying to fill the void, which I talked about before with ex-MC. Where...he said because it's from childhood, that no one can really fill it, that I have to either learn to fill it myself or else just learn to accept and live with it." T: "That's a good way of putting it. I do think it's something you can have other people help with but mostly have to fill for yourself, and I think it's something we're working on in here." Me: "Yes."

Got out my phone confirmed Monday, requested the following Friday instead of usual Thursday since I'd be away most of the week after and wanted session to be closer. Which he was able to do.

Went over to pay. Me (knowing he'd be away next few days): "So, if you're traveling, then safe travels, and if not, like if you're just staying home, then have a good weekend." He gave me a warm smile and, shaking my hand, said, "Thanks. You have a good weekend." Me: "Thanks you too." T: "See you Monday." Me: "See you."
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Default Aug 16, 2018 at 03:16 PM
  #3
End of session today, we were talking about something (I don't want to get specific) and I said it was like a metaphor for therapy, because it was a situation where one person gets paid to be involved with the other. T seemed a bit annoyed by the reference to him getting paid. I'm not really sure why (it's true, after all) but feel bad that the session ended on a bad note. Guess I'll have to ask next week.
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Default Aug 16, 2018 at 06:26 PM
  #4
I called her and left a voicemail mid panic attack last week. I thought she would be angry, the point was that I always present like I'm fine but never tell the truth and I wanted her to hear a moment that wasn't so perfect. I went in to my session nervous and before I could say anything she thanked me for sharing such a vulnerable moment with her and that she valued that we could work together on this. She took it exactly how I intended. I wasn't calling because I expected her to fix something there and then, I just wanted her to know the extent of my anxiety so we could work on it.

I don't know what to do with T understanding so well. It really disturbs me.
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Default Aug 16, 2018 at 06:50 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneTennison1 View Post
I called her and left a voicemail mid panic attack last week. I thought she would be angry, the point was that I always present like I'm fine but never tell the truth and I wanted her to hear a moment that wasn't so perfect. I went in to my session nervous and before I could say anything she thanked me for sharing such a vulnerable moment with her and that she valued that we could work together on this. She took it exactly how I intended. I wasn't calling because I expected her to fix something there and then, I just wanted her to know the extent of my anxiety so we could work on it.

I don't know what to do with T understanding so well. It really disturbs me.

Wow, that's great that she understood your purpose in calling her and thanked you for it. That was smart of you to do.

And I get what you mean about being confused your T understood so well...I'm guessing you probably aren't used to others in your life (whether now or in childhood) understanding so well?
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Default Aug 16, 2018 at 07:22 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Wow, that's great that she understood your purpose in calling her and thanked you for it. That was smart of you to do.

And I get what you mean about being confused your T understood so well...I'm guessing you probably aren't used to others in your life (whether now or in childhood) understanding so well?
Thank you, I think only about 3 people in my life have seen or heard me panic, well others have but I hide it. I couldn't express how bad it is and I couldn't express things in session so this was the next best thing. I think it was really valuable to both of us to know what my goals are

Almost no one seems to understand me, except my OH. I kinda got used to it.
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Default Aug 17, 2018 at 12:49 PM
  #7
Gonna put all of this in a trigger box, though half of it is probably not triggering. But not sure, better safe than sorry.

Possible trigger:
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Default Aug 17, 2018 at 09:34 PM
  #8
I don’t cry too often in session, but when I do....I get completely dehydrated!

———————-

Me: *sits down and immediately talks about the weather for 3 solid minutes*

T: Wow, Em, you must think very little of me if the weather is your best attempt at distracting me.

Me: I seem to remember that you are some sort of weather nut. Weren’t you in something called the Cumulus Club or something?

T: *smiles at my joke attempt* Em, come on, talk to me. What’s going on?

Me: *silent, and looking at the carpet very intently*

T: We both know that there’s something we need to talk about. We’ve been dancing around it for a while now. Should we see if we can try a different approach?

Me: *nods*

T: *smiles* Alright. You and me, we get along well, yeah? Is that an accurate statement?

Me: 100% yes

T: I’m curious what it is you are afraid of as we start getting into the details of *insert trauma here*

Me: I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it. I can manage well now. What happens once we open this up?

T: Are you worried that you will become too much? That you will drive me away?

Me: You know, I would totally understand if it does. I wouldn’t blame you. And I wouldn’t be bitter about it or resent you.

T: So you’re offering me the chance, the permission to escape?

Me: Yes. Feel free to use the “eject seat” button. I’ve had my finger hovering on it for a while.

T: Would you like to hear my theory and then you can tell me if I am right or I am way off?

Me: Sure

T: I believe you when you say that you won’t resent me, even in secret, if I abandon you. Because you are comfortable in that experience. You’ve been left alone before and you’ve been able to deal with it. You know what to do in case that happens. What you are actually frightened of is someone staying and someone keeping the focus on you. Because that would mean you will finally have to deal with this trauma. That you will finally need to say it out loud, talk about it, work through it. Me staying means you don’t have a good reason anymore for avoiding dealing with this. I completely understand how that can be scary. .

Me and T silent for what seems like eternity.

T: Em, you always have a choice about when you want to talk about this. I will always ask questions, I will always try to lead us to this place, I will always make sure you know that I am not about to shrink back from this. And once you are ready to talk, I will listen.

Me: *bursts out into tears suddenly*

T lets me cry a while

T: Thats been inside you for so long. And even though you haven’t put anything into words, you’ve already started telling me about the trauma.

Last edited by emeraldheart; Aug 17, 2018 at 09:53 PM..
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Default Aug 18, 2018 at 06:40 AM
  #9
Em, you and your T seem perfectly in tune.

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Default Aug 18, 2018 at 08:33 AM
  #10
I love the repeating lesson he is teaching you that the worst thing that can happen is you will talk about something in session- no sudden abandonment, nothing spiraling suddenly out of your control, no shoe dropping when you didn't see it coming.

The other thing in this session that struck me is the Getting Warmer impression he has of you looking all around the world for a feeling you didn't get from your parents as a kid, but then upon finding it , immediately experience terror of losing it again. I think he will work on having you find the feeling, and then be nourished by it, trying to lower the wattage on the fear?

These sessions seem good and heartfelt.

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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
T yesterday (a day early because he's out of town today and tomorrow). Went back and sat down. As I put my phone back in my purse, one of my daughter's apps opened and started playing loudly, which made me laugh and broke the ice a bit, then led to brief discussion on children's shows, particularly Dora. I felt an sense of relief that he seemed to be interacting with me and looking at me as usual, after what I'd shared the previous session.

I glanced over at sand tray: "Oh, it's still how I arranged it!" T: "When did you do something in the sand tray?" Me: "On Monday while you were reading the printout to occupy myself. See, it's all the animals gathered round this piece of wood, like it's a fire." T: "Ah so you're anthropomorphizing animals then. Or Disney-fying them." Me: "Don't read too much into it!" T: "I won't!" Brief discussion about how some T's use sand trays, then into drumming, as T said he knows another local therapist who drums and says it regulates heartbeat, like meditation.

Me: "I suppose we should talk more about Monday's session." T: "That was an incredibly short email you sent me!" Me: "Yeah, I know, you were probably surprised!" T: "I was." Me: "But that was all I really needed to know, that you were still OK with it. So what you said was all I needed." T: "It's good you were clear what you wanted." Me: "Though...I suppose you could have answered 'no'..." T: "Then what would have happened?" Me: "Right, we'd have talked about it today." T: "Exactly."

Me: "It's interesting...I know it was the weekend, so I'm sure you were just busy all day, but since I'd emailed you Sunday morning then hadn't heard anything that night and wasn't sure if I would before session...normally my first thought would have been 'Oh he's annoyed with me.'" T: "So what was it?" Me: "OK, now I feel awkward saying this, but...I was hoping you were OK. Like, that you hadn't been hit by a truck or something." T: "Hm, OK." Me: "But I think that's progress of some kind, right? That I didn't jump first to 'You're annoyed with me.' Because I didn't think you would be." T: "That seems like progress to me. Though how much time did you spend concerned about the hit by a truck thing?" Me: "Not that much really, was more a fleeting concern, not like I was obsessed about it. But also a little worried I'd show up and no one would come out to get me. Even though I know we've discussed what would happen in that case." T: "OK, good that you didn't spend long on it."

Me: "So...I'm trying to figure out how to continue Monday's discussion. Any thoughts?" T: "I'd really like you to recap what you feel we talked about. I sat done to write notes right after last session, and I had my pencil above the paper and didn't know what to write." Me: "Well, I think really I'd come to session with just brainstorms and not fully formed ideas. I felt it was more of a to-be-continued. I wasn't totally sure what came out of it either, or how I'd summarize it." T: "OK that makes me feel better."

T: "So I guess the first part, if I understood correctly, was about how you kind of wanted me to be attracted to you? But weren't sure if you wanted that?" Me: "Yeah, pretty much that. But there's also the part where...it seemed kind of paradoxical, but it was like I was afraid of your being attracted to me at the same time." T: "Why do you think that might be? You mean in the sense of, if I treated you differently because of that?" Me: "I think because...attraction is fleeting, it can go away." I started crying, "Like, if you had a younger, prettier client come in, then...maybe you'd forget about me." T: "Do you feel like you want to know if you're my most attractive client?" Me: "I don't know, not exactly...I think it's just all tied up in wanting to feel special, you know? Like I talked about that before with ex-MC, where he said 'You're special, just as all my clients are special,' and even though he said it that way, it's like that was enough, I just needed him to say I was special."

T: "Do you feel like if someone thinks you're special, they'll care more about you? And maybe be less likely to abandon you?" Me: "Yeah, I think that's what it is. Like how I wanted to be teacher's pet, for my bosses to like me...then when I had a job where my boss didn't seem to like me, that was really hard for me. So...I think it's an authority figure thing, because I don't feel the same need to be special, like, to my friends. I mean, maybe sort of, but, not in the same way..."

T said that made sense, and I forget what he said after that, because my mind was busy putting something together. I think a lightbulb may have literally popped up over my head as I was like, "I think I just figured something out." T: "What's that?" Me: "I think the reason I was so upset I was rejected from the PhD program--I mean aside from it being a professional disappointment--I think I've basically been in a depression since then." T: "It was a huge blow." Me: "Yeah, but I just realized that maybe part of why it hit me so hard is that I was basically rejected by 11 authority figures (the professors I had interviews with)."

T: "Hmm." Me: "So it crushed me in that way, too. Did I ever tell you what my mom said when I told her I was formally rejected?" T: "Do I really want to know?" Me: "Maybe not...She said, well, she may have said a brief 'I'm sorry' first, but the main thing she said was, 'Don't you think they were looking for someone with more experience?'" T visibly winced said, "Ouch." Me: "Yeah...it just felt like...she didn't think I should have gotten in anyway. Like, how is that supposed to make me feel?" T: "That reminds me of...now I can't think of it. But it's this square with four options of how to support someone and which is best vs. worst, and her reply would have been 'negative specific.' I think the worst was 'negative general.' But hers is near the bottom. I'll look it up later."

Me: "Yeah...and it was also...she wasn't really checking in with me at all during the process to ask if I'd heard anything." (More tears) "It was like you...and of course H...and some friends, they checked in with me and seemed to care more about whether I got this thing that I really wanted than my own mother did..." T: "Her reaction to the whole thing does seem odd." Me: "Even when I first told her about applying--and I waited until after I'd applied--she seemed negative about it, like not at all excited that she could have a daughter with a doctorate. I wanted her to be excited because I was excited, because it meant something to me."

T: "I really can't understand what's behind her reaction. But it must be her stuff, ot about you." Me: "You mean like her anxiety, like the thing you said about having compassion for her?" T: "I don't see how anxiety would have led her to make that comment though. Maybe something else." Me: "Maybe it's just...it wasn't the path she pictured for me?" T: "Maybe."

T: "I feel like you're continually looking for someone to give you what your parents didn't, in childhood or even now." Me: "You mean looking to you for that?" T: "Not just me." Me: "Authority figures in general?" T: "I really feel like you're looking for it from anyone who could possibly give it to you, whether me, authority figures, friends, anyone." Me: "Yeah, that makes sense." T: "And then when it feels like you might have it, then you get scared, because then you could lose it." Me (crying): "Yes...It's like I both want it and am terrified of it. Hm, just like the thing about you being attracted to me. So I guess this all ties together."

T: "Yes it does seem to connect to the attraction thing." Me: "And something else I kind of realized about that...it's like, OK I feel kind of awkward saying this, but, uh, I think you're an attractive man. So, it's like, Adult LT would be flattered if you found her to be attractive, like because you're attractive, too. But I don't think that's where this is coming from. It feels like it's coming from a younger part of me. Like a little kid part almost." T: "OK, so maybe it's more about being cared for then." Me: "Yeah, like...trying to make up for stuff I didn't get in childhood. Trying to fill the void, which I talked about before with ex-MC. Where...he said because it's from childhood, that no one can really fill it, that I have to either learn to fill it myself or else just learn to accept and live with it." T: "That's a good way of putting it. I do think it's something you can have other people help with but mostly have to fill for yourself, and I think it's something we're working on in here." Me: "Yes."

Got out my phone confirmed Monday, requested the following Friday instead of usual Thursday since I'd be away most of the week after and wanted session to be closer. Which he was able to do.

Went over to pay. Me (knowing he'd be away next few days): "So, if you're traveling, then safe travels, and if not, like if you're just staying home, then have a good weekend." He gave me a warm smile and, shaking my hand, said, "Thanks. You have a good weekend." Me: "Thanks you too." T: "See you Monday." Me: "See you."

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Default Aug 18, 2018 at 08:36 AM
  #11
This touched my heart quite a bit. Thank you for sharing it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by emeraldheart View Post
I don’t cry too often in session, but when I do....I get completely dehydrated!

———————-

Me: *sits down and immediately talks about the weather for 3 solid minutes*

T: Wow, Em, you must think very little of me if the weather is your best attempt at distracting me.

Me: I seem to remember that you are some sort of weather nut. Weren’t you in something called the Cumulus Club or something?

T: *smiles at my joke attempt* Em, come on, talk to me. What’s going on?

Me: *silent, and looking at the carpet very intently*

T: We both know that there’s something we need to talk about. We’ve been dancing around it for a while now. Should we see if we can try a different approach?

Me: *nods*

T: *smiles* Alright. You and me, we get along well, yeah? Is that an accurate statement?

Me: 100% yes

T: I’m curious what it is you are afraid of as we start getting into the details of *insert trauma here*

Me: I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it. I can manage well now. What happens once we open this up?

T: Are you worried that you will become too much? That you will drive me away?

Me: You know, I would totally understand if it does. I wouldn’t blame you. And I wouldn’t be bitter about it or resent you.

T: So you’re offering me the chance, the permission to escape?

Me: Yes. Feel free to use the “eject seat” button. I’ve had my finger hovering on it for a while.

T: Would you like to hear my theory and then you can tell me if I am right or I am way off?

Me: Sure

T: I believe you when you say that you won’t resent me, even in secret, if I abandon you. Because you are comfortable in that experience. You’ve been left alone before and you’ve been able to deal with it. You know what to do in case that happens. What you are actually frightened of is someone staying and someone keeping the focus on you. Because that would mean you will finally have to deal with this trauma. That you will finally need to say it out loud, talk about it, work through it. Me staying means you don’t have a good reason anymore for avoiding dealing with this. I completely understand how that can be scary. .

Me and T silent for what seems like eternity.

T: Em, you always have a choice about when you want to talk about this. I will always ask questions, I will always try to lead us to this place, I will always make sure you know that I am not about to shrink back from this. And once you are ready to talk, I will listen.

Me: *bursts out into tears suddenly*

T lets me cry a while

T: Thats been inside you for so long. And even though you haven’t put anything into words, you’ve already started telling me about the trauma.

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Default Aug 18, 2018 at 09:20 AM
  #12
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Originally Posted by CantExplain View Post
Em, you and your T seem perfectly in tune.

Thank you ❤️ I do think we are, but I am also seeing it much more clearly since I’ve started posting about our session snippets here. I’ve also started noticing our conversation patterns.
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Default Aug 20, 2018 at 02:26 AM
  #13
I sent T an email about something that related to me I had found which led to me making a disclosure via email. Here's the email exchange that followed. Love him.

Quote:
Hi Echos,

Thank you very much for sending me this link and also for explaining how difficult an issue this has been for you. I am pleased that you have felt able to tell me about it. We can of course discuss this further face to face, if you want to do so.

Shame can have such a powerful impact even when we know rationally it doesn't make sense. It is great to know that reading this article has relieved you of some of the shame you have felt up to now.

See you Wednesday,

Warm wishes, T

PS I can't remember if I have told you that we are due to have some work done on our heating system, starting this week. It shouldn't have any significant impact on you and I in the [surprisingly identifying name of T's therapy room] , but here might be a big van and possibly a plumber on the drive when you arrive.

Quote:
Thank you. <3 your email is nice to read. The part of me that didn't totally know that you would still care about me after that disclosure, does now.
With love
Echos
A minute after I sent that he replied:

Quote:
Good - yes I do.

And I understand how we can conjure these fears sometimes.

Take care, T

I love when he says "warm wishes". He only does it occasionally and it feels like a virtual hug.
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Default Aug 20, 2018 at 08:01 AM
  #14
MY heart went awwww when I read "good-yes I do". He cares and he's not afraid of showing it.
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Default Aug 20, 2018 at 10:21 PM
  #15
I had an extra session with T this morning. I was having difficulty with a few things. I told him that over the last week I have felt my abandonment fears, but that after I feel it for a short while, I feel really, really calm. This happened twice. T told me that this means that I am getting the feeling of being safe on deeper levels. I think that is the case, too. Then I left early as I had nothing else to say and I was ready to go.
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Default Aug 21, 2018 at 06:12 PM
  #16
T yesterday. Went back and sat down. He asked how I'd done with him being out for a few days. I said I did OK. He said he was surprised I didn't email, that he thought at the very least I'd send something saying, "Just making sure we're still on for Monday," like to keep the connection. I said that I'd set a boundary for myself that I wasn't going to email him while he was out of town, unless something really bad happened, like H threw me out of the house. T: "That would have been pretty bad. It's good you were able to keep to that." Me: "Thanks."

Then we had a very awkward (for me) conversation because...I did know where he was (public event, I'd looked it up out of curiosity, but last time I'd told him that he was uncomfortable that I knew where he was. So I didn't want to tell him.). T: "What made you think I was out of town?" Me: "I don't know, I thought you said you'd be away from the office, so I just assumed." T: "I think I said I'd be out of the office." Me: "OK, but I figured you meant you were going out of town." T: "Rather than a stay-cation? Would you have been bothered if, say, you thought I was here and seeing clients but not you?" Me: "Well, I didn't really think that. And I think it was more the idea that you were away." T: "What do you mean?" Me: "Well, I worry about people more when they travel, even though stuff can happen right at home. And it felt like then you wouldn't be accessible." T: "Oh OK, like I couldn't come to office if you needed to see me." Me: "Yes, just felt more distant, I guess."

Talked about upcoming beach trip (next week) with my parents/H/D, some stuff about my mom. Like why it's stressful for me being around her for days, how I feel like I have to put on an act for her (more detail than that).

I then said how I'd been talking to a friend earlier about therapy with him, saying some things I did, and she commented that it seemed I was taking care of him, like trying to give him impression that I was doing better than I was. And I'd realized it was just like with my mom, that it was like I was putting on an act for her at times, trying to hide the OCD, anxiety, etc. T: "And you think you're hiding how you're really doing with me?" Me: "At times, yeah, maybe.
Possible trigger:

T: "OK, so what do you mean?" Me: "Well, it's like...when you were away. You said how I hadn't emailed you, so you felt I'd coped well with that." T: "It seemed like you did." Me: "The thing is...I mean, I did think about you sometimes and got emotional a few times." T: "That's OK." Me: "Yeah, but what I did to get through it, like so I didn't feel like I lost the connection...I'm afraid to say this." T: "It's OK, what is it?" Me: "I guess, I...I looked at a photo of you online a few times, like to make me feel better. It was a public photo, but...I'm sorry if that's weird." I dissolved into sobs. T: "It's OK." Me: "But I feel like you felt weird about the stone representing you, and obviously a picture represents you, so..." T (in very caring voice): "It's OK. You did nothing wrong." Me: "OK. thanks."

I said something regarding attachment, maybe wanting secure attachment with him? I forget. T (sounding a bit frustrated): "I've told you that I'd never abandon you. I told you we'd talk about anything that came up, that I'd never just show you the door. And we've worked through some conflicts already. And I've told you I'll be honest with you. I'm not sure what else you're looking for to make you feel secure?" Me (though tears): "I don't know. I think, really, it's that...I was starting to feel secure with you. And then I kind of freaked out." T: "OK."

I said how ex-MC had said many of those things, too, and then look how things turned out. I said something about feeling too much for ex-MC. T said he didn't think it was that I felt it, but (referring to the "I love you"), "Some feelings probably shouldn't be shared." More tears. Me: "But the thing is, I'd told him that before, so I don't understand why it was OK then but not later." T: "Maybe it was *because* you'd told him before. That the trajectory was continuing in a certain direction." Me: "Oh."

I said I knew he was worried about stuff with ex-MC happening with him, so I worried about telling him anything I felt that seemed in that direction. T said he wasn't worried so much about himself but for me, that he wants me to have strong relationships outside of therapy, with others and with myself. And there are limits to the relationship with him. I said I knew, the one-sidedness of it, the boundaries. He said that I couldn't get what I felt I needed from the relationship with him, so I'd just end up being disappointed. I said I understood the boundaries and tried to follow them, and he said I'd been good at respecting his boundaries, that what he was saying wasn't about that, but my well-being.

In the midst of being really upset, while trying to push my recently cut hair out of my face again, I said, "I have no idea what's going on with my hair!" T: "That part's too short." Me: "Yeah." T: "You need like another half inch." Me: "Exactly." T: "They have barrettes and things for that, to clip it back. Your daughter probably has some, maybe with sparkles." Me: "Yeah, maybe I could wear a Disney Princess one." T: "There you go."

Back to fear of abandonment stuff. T: "It seems you think that people abandoning you is something you have no control over. It's like you're walking around, expecting a meteor to fall from the sky." Me: "Yeah, I guess it's sort of like that. Or worrying about being hit by lightning, seeing that there's a storm."

T said it feels like I'm overly sensitive to what people think of me and try to please them. He said for example, if he'd made some critical comment about my shirt, I'd likely never wear it again there. I said was probably true. T: "So what if the situation was reversed. Say you really hate these socks," he said, pointing at his sock. Me: "Are those roses?" T, pulling up pant leg, "Yes. But say you hated them and told me you hated them. Would you expect me not to wear them again? And would you be offended if I wore them to session?" Me: "No. I mean, maybe if they were the only socks you wore from now on." T: "True." Me: "Now you're going to wear them every time. Oh, maybe I should get a pair and wear them." T smiled.

Me (noticing time): "I was actually going to ask you for the stone today so that I didn't have to worry about it on Friday, but I'm afraid to now." T: "Would you feel better taking it now?" Me: "I guess. I mean, I could take it and just put it in my luggage and not touch it till I'm going out of town or anything." T: "It's fine to take it now. Do you know what you want?" Me: "Yeah, I noticed this stone in sand tray the other day and liked it." T: "Oh, that little guy? Sure, you can take that. It's a river rock, nice and smooth." Me: "Yeah, if you haven't figured it out, I like the smooth ones. Wait, do other clients play with it because it's on the sand tray?" T: "No, nobody plays with that." Me: "OK." I grabbed it and stashed it in my purse.

We were almost over time. T asked if I was OK with what we'd talked about. I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd try not to reach out. T: "You know my email policy." Me: "Yes, I know, I'm sorry." T (in very caring voice): "It's OK, you don't have to be sorry." Me: "OK." Confirmed Friday, and I was going to be out of town most of the next week, so didn't schedule next one.

Went over to pay, and I commented on how I hoped to see him the Friday I got back from vacation. T: "Oh...I forgot to tell you, I'm out that Thursday and Friday, plus Monday (Labor Day)." I started crying again. Me: "I'm sorry, I'll get myself back together." T: "It's OK. Sorry about the timing." Me: "Is it possible to maybe schedule a phone call when I'm away, since, I'll be away?" (He'd said before he prefers in person but would consider phone if someone is out of town). T said yes. After I signed the credit card slip, I almost put his pen in my purse without thinking, saying, "Oh, I totally almost just took your pen. I use the same kind." T: "That would have been OK. I love the gel ink." Me: "Me too." He shook my hand without saying anything, like maybe he didn't know what to say, then as I was about to walk out, he said, "Take care." Me: "You, too." I tried to hold it together while walking through waiting room, down elevator, outside to my car, and I mostly succeeded, then started crying again once in the car.

Ended up texting him, asking if he had any openings Tues. or Wed. He said he had time Wed. I said maybe I'd email him instead. Sent him long email, asking him for longer paid response, then thinking better of it, said if he still had Wed., maybe we should meet then instead. He replied, saying I'd wisely said was too much to address in email, that he'd want to have a full discussion about it, so he'd see me tomorrow at 12:30 (and I'm keeping Friday, too, for pre-vacation stuff).

Last edited by LonesomeTonight; Aug 21, 2018 at 07:03 PM..
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Default Aug 21, 2018 at 07:00 PM
  #17
I told T I didn't mean it when I said there was nothing she could do to hurt me, that actually she could hurt me but I hoped she wouldn't.

I told her for someone who had been hurt so much before I always held out hope for people. I didn't want them to hurt me, I want them to prove me wrong (not talking little misunderstandings) rather than being the pessimist I think I am.
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Default Aug 21, 2018 at 08:42 PM
  #18
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
I did know where he was (public event, I'd looked it up out of curiosity, but last time I'd told him that he was uncomfortable that I knew where he was. So I didn't want to tell him.
I would tell him about this.
Secrets become barriers and barriers become ruptures.

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Default Aug 22, 2018 at 02:04 AM
  #19
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I would tell him about this.
Secrets become barriers and barriers become ruptures.
Except he's already shown himself to be incapable of handling this kind of disclosure well. Look what he said in the session LT just wrote up: "Some feelings probably shouldn't be shared". And the flip flopping around on the stone boundary. He is worse than useless at helping with attachment, which is one of LT's main issues. Sorry LT
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Default Aug 22, 2018 at 04:18 AM
  #20
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Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux View Post
Except he's already shown himself to be incapable of handling this kind of disclosure well. Look what he said in the session LT just wrote up: "Some feelings probably shouldn't be shared". And the flip flopping around on the stone boundary. He is worse than useless at helping with attachment, which is one of LT's main issues. Sorry LT
He's made some mistakes, certainly.

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