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Lrad123
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Default Nov 15, 2018 at 04:28 PM
  #361
I felt a little giddy that for the first time in over a year I didn’t feel like a huge magnet was trying to pull me away from my weekly therapy appointment. I mentioned this to my T and asked him why he thought that was, and of course he responded by asking me what I thought about it. I said it’s very clearly correlated with his decision to stop responding to my emails, but I can’t be sure that’s the cause and it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me because I really hated the fact that he chose to stop responding to my emails so I could never have imagined it could turn out to be a good thing. In any case, once he decided to stop answering my emails, I took a week off and felt surprisingly empowered by this. I actually did a late cancellation, spoke to my T about not wanting to pay for this despite the fact that it didn’t meet his cancellation requirements, and he agreed that I shouldn’t pay. He said that he thought I was no longer giving him all the power which is why he thought there was a shift in our therapy.

We talked mostly about my mom from whom I’m estranged and the fact that I’m really struggling with whether or not I should try to reconnect with her. I don’t want to but I do feel a daughterly obligation. I told him about how this week my daughter was emotionally distraught over a break up with her boyfriend and several tough work-related caregiving issues (I work with cancer patients) that I actually enjoy, but were making me feel emotionally drained. One day last week I just had the urge to call my mom (or the ideal version I’ve created in my head) and have her listen to me talk about my hard day. I said I wanted to be on the other end of one of those caregiving relationships like the kind I have with my daughter or with cancer patients. I want someone to look out for me and ask if I’m ok. To my surprise, I cried when I was saying this. Not a sobbing sort of cry, but had trouble finishing my sentence and had way more tears streaming down my face than I was comfortable with. I didn’t look at my T at all because I felt self-conscious, but we just sat quietly for a few minutes. I think he was saying a few things when I noticed we were over our time by 3-4 minutes and I said “I should probably go.” He *never* goes over time so it felt like a big deal. I’m not sure what to think about the fact that I cried. It really felt like an over-reaction on my part and I was feeling a bit like a therapy imposter. Despite the fact that I was crying, being a therapy imposter was on my mind much more than any sadness about lack of connection with my mother. I guess I’m not used to crying in front of him and was confused about it. I’m also aware that there’s been a pretty big shift in the way T and I relate and I think it’s good, but it has been unexpected.
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Default Nov 16, 2018 at 03:53 AM
  #362
Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
I wasnt joking. I googled it. a pretty gross horror movie came up. Thats why i asked for a trigger warning, and for it to be discussed in another forum. It was not a pleasant surprise, to say the LEAST.

If you have an INNOCENT, clean, inoffensive, G-rated explanation, i would love to hear it.
First off I meant I think the post asking for an explanation with the smiley was joking. Secondly given that my op was about me having to explain something I didn't want to I don't understand why you'd just Google it and not ask what the nature of the term was here or in pm? If I wanted to upset ppl I'd have included the description in op.
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Default Nov 16, 2018 at 11:13 AM
  #363
Lrad123, that sounds like a really productive session and like taking a week off was really good for you. That's awesome.

My session yesterday ended with sort of a disagreement, I was saying that I didn't feel like I was a burden to T because he gets paid, and he seemed to think that it was a problem that I'd feel like a burden if I wasn't paying. I think his point was that I don't need to earn or pay for help from people, I can just trust that they will help me anyway. I guess that makes some sense for friends and family, but in therapy? I thought part of the purpose of paying was so I didn't have to feel bad about not giving back in any way. To be continued, I guess.
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Default Nov 16, 2018 at 12:26 PM
  #364
Started off by saying I had been really sad the last two days. But my job interview still went okay. T asked why I felt sad. I told him I'd like to sometimes talk about certain things, but can't. Why not? Because I'm scared he'd leave. He asked what I think goes on in his head when I say that even though he constantly reassures me that it won't happen. I said he's probably annoyed, he confirmed that. He said I provoke the feelings that I'm scared of. Then he wanted to know what the thing was I'd sometimes like to talk about but feel like I can't. I said I'm too scared to talk about it.

I turned around so I didn't face him anymore. He said I do this often, I come in and first I'm quite calm, but then I suddenly switch, get very emotional, change my behavior and don't talk properly anymore. He said he feels like it's mostly conscious too but that I can't do much about it. I confirmed that, I told him it often happens when I want to say something but don't have the courage to do it.

He mentioned how this is part of our therapy, to get me to a point where I can speak up if I want to say something or if I want to change the topic. He asked whether there was something specific I wanted to talk about currently. I nodded. "What is it?" - "It's hard to talk about." He wanted to know whether it's important. First I asked how you know when something is important, but then I answered that myself saying it's important if you feel like talking about it. Then I said it's important. Him: "So, what's the important thing we should talk about?" - "You can't get an answer that easily!" We both laughed.

We were silent a lot. He asked me what was going on in my head and I replied I'm thinking about what a good starting point for the discussion might be. I asked him again whether I'd still be allowed to see him, no matter what I say. He said of course. He mentioned how we had so far talked through everything that had ever happened between us and it would continue to be that way. He said how I can tell him about everything. Then, he went: "Unless you murdered somebody... I'd rather not know that." I said it wasn't that, but why I couldn't tell him if that were the case. He said in such a situation he'd not know what to do, whether to go to the police or not. It would make his feelings complicated. It's a boundary of his. "But if you robbed a bank I think I could deal with it!". We both laughed again.

I said it's not something like that. I'm just scared to talk. I feel ashamed. Why do I feel ashamed? Because people say it's not okay to talk about. Who? People in the past...

There was some silence again. I thought about how to talk some more. I asked whether we still have time to talk. It sounded like he looked at his watch, then he said yes. So, I started telling him how when I used to trust other people in my life (a teacher as well as a male friend), I'd always quickly feel like I was in love. But then one time, I met this girl, and it felt completely different. He wanted to know that felt different about it, but it was hard to pinpoint. It just felt more like what being in love is described as in books. He asked whether I felt like I fall in love quickly. I said no, it just feels very similar, but I don't think it's the same thing. He asked whether I felt the same way in therapy. I said no, here it's different. I like him, but not in that way. With that male friend, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to have a relationship. With my T it's not like that, I like him, but more like a dad.

So, he asked why I felt ashamed about that. I replied sometimes I have fantasies. "What kind, just say it." I didn't want to. He told me how if a woman has a crush on her therapist, there can be positive and negative things about that. He asked what they'd be, but I was so upset that my answer didn't make a lot of sense. He then went on about how on the one hand it meant that the chemistry was good and that's helpful in therapy, but on the other hand she'd be so preoccupied about pleasing the therapist and doing what he thinks is best that therapy won't really work.

I told him it's not like that for me. I sometimes think about him, but actually not that often. Maybe three or four times a week. More when I'm upset because it's comforting, but I feel that's fine. I often think about what to talk about in therapy, but not about him specifically. He said okay, that sounds fine. Then he went: "So, about the fantasies, I'm just going out on a limb... are they sexual?" I nodded. He said how everyone has fantasies and that sounds completely fine and normal. I replied that the issue is that I don't actually feel like that. I'm not attracted to him. So it irritates me.

He started talking about how for me, fantasy and reality is really close together, I almost can't distinguish between the two. And how for him, the two are very different. You can do whatever you want in your fantasy, it's all fine. It doesn't have to match reality. He mentioned we had talked about a similar thing before, and how he tries to show me what his way of thinking is, so I can try and copy that from him.

We started to slowly wrap up, he told me what time he could schedule me for next Wednesday, then I left.
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Default Nov 17, 2018 at 02:18 AM
  #365
Saw T today, and immediately told him I wad really anxious but wasn't sure why I was feeling that way. I explained that the morning was already a rough start with my.baby being sick and electricians being at my house. I told him about how I sometimes bite my hands while I'm driving if I'm feeling anxious, and he asked what do I do in session when I'm feeling like that. I showed him the fidget that I've been bringing with me the past week and told him how that helps me. We got on the subject of being able to speak my mind freely in session and the whole issue for me about the couch and foot rests. I think we spent most of the sessions talking about that and how I worry that if I let him in as a therapist and allow myself to be comfortable in session that I'll get hurt by him terminating me or leaving his practice like my other past therapists have done. We also talked about how past therapists have measured in checklists on how I was doing and that I didn't find it helpful, how he sees therapy as a process. I only see him on Monday and hopefully Tuesday morning if I can figure out childcare because of Thanksgiving.
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Default Nov 19, 2018 at 11:55 AM
  #366
Brief writeup (OK, perhaps not so brief...) from Thursday's session before I head out for today's. Spent first 5-10 minutes ranting about the miserable weather. I said how I was either dedicated or crazy to drive to see him in the sleet. T: "I don't like the word 'crazy.' Let's go with 'dedicated.'" Me: "OK."

I mentioned how I'd gone for a 2-mile walk in the cold weather the day before, that I'd only planned to go for a mile but opted to continue because I felt pretty good. T: "Good for you!"

I said I'd gotten D's report card the day before and it made me feel sad. How I'd been feeling good about her progress until I read that, with so many 3's for effort in reading, math, and behavior (lowest rating--"needs improvement") and so many "N's" ("not yet apparent") in math and reading. T (in a caring voice): "I'm sorry it made you feel bad."

The rest of the session was about stuff with D. As most probably know, she's on the autism spectrum, and T's son is also on the spectrum (a few years older than my D), though he rarely mentions him. That session, it felt like he was talking to me both as a T and as a fellow parent of a kid on the spectrum--I just felt a particularly high level of empathy and understanding from him.

For example, he was asking how much we work on at home with her. I said probably not enough, that I felt guilty about it at times. He said I didn't need to feel guilty. That parents of kids on the spectrum play the roles of case manager, occupational therapist, speech/language pathologist, plus some other roles (I forget what all he said). Me: "So I'm probably playing more roles than the parent of a neurotypical kid?" T: "Not 'probably'--you definitely are." Me: "OK, that helps to hear..." I said how H often acted like she was just a typical kid, which made it hard.

T was saying how we need to particularly address the behaviors (like not paying attention, etc.) before she can really do the learning. And how we need to essentially come up with an IEP for home (IEP is individualized education plan, which she has for school that includes things like speech therapy, sensory breaks during the day, some time working on social skills, etc.--she's mainstreamed, so these are accommodations to help her). And that H and I need to be on the same page about stuff. And to determine what we can afford, what we have time for, etc. (like if we wanted more outside services, as he said there's a limit to what school can do).

T: "It might be helpful for you to go to a marriage counselor...uh..." he kinda laughed to himself as he caught himself, reminded of ex-MC. "More of a family therapist, but not so much for you and H to work on marriage but to talk about D, to come up with a plan together. Even just for a session or two." I said that sounded like a good idea, and I hoped H would be willing to do that. I asked if he had any names for me that weren't part of a particular major organization here that provides services for kids with special needs, since we hadn't had best experiences with behavioral therapists there. T said he wouldn't suggest there anyway, adding, "I wouldn't take my son there." Which was surprising, because he never mentions his son in relation to autism. So it was like he was openly acknowledging that parallel there.

(Note for those who don't know: It wasn't him who told me about his son, it was ex-T who mentioned it when I said I'd be seeing him, like "Oh, he has a son on the spectrum." I eventually told T about it like a month or two in when we were discussing fidget toys and he seemed a bit too knowledgeable about the subject and I started feeling awkward for knowing. He was glad I'd told him but a bit p*ssed at ex-T for sharing that with me. I'm kind of glad I know though, because it makes me feel like he gets it, even if we don't actually talk about his son at all.)

He said he'd ask some colleagues for a suggestion of a name, that I wasn't the first client to ask about that--which he said is evidence of how prevalent autism has become. I mention the size of the local autism parents group on Facebook and how that suggests it as well.

Ended by confirming today's session and that I'm on schedule for Wednesday. I said I was still a little on the fence about coming twice this week, and he mentioned that he'd also be in Friday (day after Thanksgiving) in the morning, that we could just discuss Monday. I said I didn't want to cause any issues with scheduling for other clients (like if I changed my mind about Wed.), but he said not to worry about it. Went over, paid, shook hands, as he said to have a good weekend, and I said "You, too." I reminded him about checking on a family therapist, and he thanked me for reminding him, said he'd email colleagues after his next client.
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Default Nov 20, 2018 at 11:04 PM
  #367
I talked about my generalized anger/frustration that isn't at any person or thing. It's just the emotion and action urges (wanting to throw things, kick things, slam doors, scream). That I think I used to channel it into anger at myself, but if I'm not taking it out on myself it has nowhere to go.
It really started a few months ago when he had me write the stupid ****ing anger letter to my mom that brought up a lot of memories of my childhood that I'd forgotten about/hadn't thought about for many years
Possible trigger:

It's not fair that I ended up like this. It's not fair that I have to spend all this time trying to undo the damage.

He wanted me to "try to find meaning" in it.
And like when I said I was dealing with anger because of the unfairness he said he didn't want me to "be a victim." He thought it would be "helpful" to find meaning in it.
Like that I'm empathetic and mine or whatever. I told him that was ****ing stupid.

Like it's either fair or it's unfair. I either deserved it/it's my fault, or I didn't deserve it/it's not my fault. And that it would be helpful if there was meaning does not make it true. You can't just choose to find meaning where there isn't any just because it would be convenient.
What's next? Is he going to tell me that everything happens for a reason or some ******** like that?
There's no reason or purpose or deeper meaning. My childhood ****ed me up because my parents sucked as parents and I was an oversensitive whiny little ***** who couldn't toughen up.
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Default Nov 21, 2018 at 04:04 AM
  #368
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Originally Posted by LabRat27 View Post
It's not fair that I ended up like this. It's not fair that I have to spend all this time trying to undo the damage.
No, it's not fair.

((LabRat))

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Default Nov 21, 2018 at 08:29 AM
  #369
He tried to work out what was on the t shirt I was wearing. I said Toshiro Mifune, my favourite actor. I said the shirt a character from Seven Samurai and asked if he had seen it. He said he didn't think so but he saw the original I was like "this is the original!" I don't think it's ever been remade so I don't know why he thought I was talking about a remake. I told him how much I love Kurosawa films. And Mifune in particular. Though something in his manner kind of reminds me of my late ex.

I told him I needed to talk about the shame I felt last session. I said sometimes I feel toxic and like he doesn't deserve to have to deal with me. As I said that I teared up. He asked me to explore that, to see what's underneath it. I tried but I just couldn't.

I said there was something I wanted to tell him that I think is linked to/a result of the shame last session, but that I couldn't. I had been googling him and found some pictures of him at conferences and I also found out his middle name from a register he is on. But I couldn't tell him that so I was arguing with myself about it, but only verbalising one half of the argument. So I was like "but the shame coming up in the relationship is important, it exists to be worked through" then sitting there silently while the other part internally said " what if he rejects you? He's reacted badly before.". I told T I was having an internal battle. He said "Yeah you keep interrupting yourself" I told him he was only hearing one half of the argument.

I said I didn't want to ignore or dismiss the part of me that didn't want to tell him. He said "I wonder what its purpose is" I said "to protect me from rejection". T said "that sounds like a laudable purpose"

I said "I've been googling you a lot and I think it's because I feel shame anyway and this perpetuates that cycle." I told him what I had found.

T said his hunch is that the shame is from a very long time ago and so it feels unreachable. His sense is that this is me trying to bring the shame into the here and now. I said "so we actually have something to work with" he said "exactly.".

I asked him for his response to what I told him. He thought for a while and was smiling. He said it makes him think about the dualism of wanting to be seen and not wanting to be seen, and said he is smiling because it reminds him of a conversation he had about that on Monday.

I was quiet and he asked where I had gone. I said I felt like he had gone straight to some other abstract time and place because it was safer than talking about his response to me. That I think it means there's somethung in his response to me that he wants to avoid.

He was quiet. I said "it doesn't matter". He said "it does matter." He said "I have two responses. I quite enjoy the attention of you searching for me online, and also I'm worried that you'll find something I'll wish you hadn't found. He said "and you're right. It was easier for me to talk about something from another time and conversation".

I was quiet. He asked what I was thinking. I said I want to split the atom. There's probably no point. He asked what I wanted to find in the atom. I said whether he didn't want me to find something because of its impact on me, or because of him. He said both, that he is worried about hurting me, and he is also worried about me finding something he might be ashamed of (though he doesn't know what that could be). He said he thinks the shame is happening between us in the room.
Possible trigger:


T tilted his head, smiled with his eyes and said "this must be really hard going for you. How are you doing?" I said "it is hard going".

We looked in each other's eyes for a long time. I said "that felt like the bit of us being roped together climbing a mountain (an ongoing metaphor) where you give me a hand up and hold onto me." He nodded. He said he noticed what hard work it was for me boring the footholes in the rock one-by-one.

We looked at each other for ages again. I asked if I could hold his hand. He gave me his hand. It was cold. I held it for a while and it got warmer. I looked at him and said "you know I love you".

We sat back and sat in silence again. With 5 minutes to go he said he hopes it's okay if he asks about my busy week. So I told him. I told him it's the competent me that he never sees and that I miss that he doesn't see it. I said "I know you're proud of me anyway though". He said "I am". He said he would quite like to see something I had done online but only wanted to look if I sent him the link, which was up to me. He said he wouldn't search for it. I said I appreciate that.

We stood up and hugged and I left.
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Default Nov 21, 2018 at 08:31 AM
  #370
Monday's T session: I talked about the stressful few days I'd had since the previous session. I said I'd taken H for his first colonoscopy Friday, that I hadn't realized he'd be going under general anesthesia for it. And I had sort of an unexpected reaction to seeing him when he'd just woken up from the anesthesia and was in the hospital bed in his gown. T: "Because he seemed vulnerable?" Me: "Yes, exactly." We probably could have explored that more but went in a somewhat different direction.

I mentioned he'd had the colonoscopy and upper endoscopy partly due to symptoms. T: "Ah, I thought he seemed a bit young for a screening one" (H just turned 41). He asked if they'd found anything, and I said how they removed a stomach polyp (also did upper endoscopy) that they're sending out for biopsy, but that the doctor wasn't concerned. T said he didn't know you could have stomach polyps, and I agreed. I said that would be 7-10 days, plus I'm still waiting for results from my mammogram like 2 weeks ago, and they'd said it would only be a week. T: "I would think if they found something they'd contact you right away. I've had times when test results--not a mammogram, obviously--took longer than expected to come back, and it was fine." I said he was probably right (and I got the results yesterday--yep, fine).

I said how next week I'm also having an ultrasound to sort of screen for ovarian cancer, since my mom had it around the age I am now (I noted that my aunt had breast cancer, but tested negative for the BRCA genes, but maybe I should get genetically tested anyway). I told him how last summer when I'd had one of those scans, I'd been really worried because they'd spent a long time on the one area. And because ex-T was out of town, I'd ended up texting ex-MC. And he called me the next day to check up on me, which I thought was really nice, though by then I'd found out results. He'd asked "How are you doing?" and I said I was OK. He said, "No how are you *really* doing, not like what you'd say to someone to be polite." How then I'd told him I'd already gotten results. I warned current T that there's good chance I could end up reaching out to him after that test because it really worries me. He said OK.

I explained how it particularly worries me since by the time you'd have symptoms, it's usually advanced (hence the scan). And my mom was lucky that her doctor found it on a regular exam (and it hadn't spread). T: "It must have been quite large then." Me: "Yes, when it was found, was the size of an orange. When they removed it was the size of a grapefruit. And I've hated grapefruit ever since." T: "You know it wasn't an actual grapefruit, right?" Me: "Uh, yes?" T: "OK, because you said you've hated grapefruit since then." Me: "Well, to be honest, I'd hated it before, too." T: "Ah, OK."

I said it reminded me of those charts they have for pregnancy where they compare the size of the baby to different fruits, like a cantaloupe. T: "A cantaloupe?!? That's really big, like third trimester. I was thinking more like a grape." Me: "Well...they grow." T: "I forget, you said you and your H are done having kids, that you just wanted one, right?" Me: "Yes, and he's had a vasectomy. Though I guess I'm still technically fertile." (No, I don't know why I told him that.) I think I made an offhanded remark about cheating. T: "Yeah, it would be pretty awkward if you got pregnant when he'd had a vasectomy." Me: "Yeah."

Me: "So I talked to H briefly about possibly seeing someone to help with D." T: "Oh! I forgot to send out that email last week. Hang on a sec." He grabbed his notepad and furiously scribbled something. T: "OK, I'll be sure to send that out to the listserv today." (He did and sent me a few suggestions yesterday.) Me: "OK, thanks. But H seemed fine with the idea of it." T: "Good!"

Me: "We actually have the conference with her teacher today." T: "Do you have a list of questions?" Me: "No, didn't have a chance to write one." He held out his pen and notepad to me, and I took it. We proceeded to go through various questions to ask her, requesting more frequent communication with her, potential accommodations for D (like if there's a standing desk in the room), etc. It was very helpful and also made me feel calmer about the conference.

I was holding and sort of playing with his pen the whole time we were talking. Me: "Maybe I need to start holding a pen during session. I'm finding this to be oddly calming." T: "You haven't played with your hair since you've been holding it." Me: "Yeah, you're right, or anything else. Or maybe I just need to bring in some sort of fidget toy other than my bracelets." T: "You're welcome to play with magnetic stones over there." Me: "I'm OK. Ex-MC used to often hold a pen, though he never had a notepad." T: "So just a prop then." Me: "Yeah." A few minutes after that, I realized I was subconsciously playing with my hair with my other hand, and stopped.

I knew we had to stop. I tore of the sheet of paper and handed him back his notepad and pen. Confirmed Wednesday--he said he'd also be in office Friday if I preferred that. I asked if it was OK to keep Wednesday instead, that I wondered if maybe he was trying to get out of working that day, like I was the only client on his schedule so he wanted me to move days? T: "Nope, I'm in the office 10:30-6:30 Wednesday." Me; "OK then!"

Went over to pay, T shook my hand, saying, "Have a good couple days." Me: "Thanks, you too."
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Default Nov 21, 2018 at 08:33 AM
  #371
(((Echos))) good work!
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Default Nov 21, 2018 at 09:35 AM
  #372
Quote:
Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux View Post
We stood up and hugged and I left.
Awww that was a lovey session to read. Thank you for sharing.


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Default Nov 21, 2018 at 11:30 AM
  #373
Was a bit early but T still was ready right away. We went to his room, both were quiet for a while. I said he'd have to write me a new prescription. He answered that he'd already prepared it. Then he asked how my week was. I said it had been quite stressful, especially searching a job. I have applied for too many positions. Now I have to decide which one I'd like, and that's hard. Some of the companies do something a bit more related to physics, but all of them have large offices with a lot of people per room. And one company is a bit less interesting, but I'd only have to share my office with two or three people, which sounds nice. Plus their coffee machine is great.

He asked me which companies I had already visited. I have seen one of the large ones already and will have an introduction to their software in a few days. The small one I already know because my partner works there too. "Is that not a problem? Do they know you're together?" Yes, they know, most of his co-workers have met me during company events. It didn't seem to be a problem, and the interviews went really well too. They asked a few technical questions, I didn't know some of the things they asked about, but when I mentioned I didn't know the language in which their examples were written, they said they think I could easily learn it. Everything sounded quite positive.

We went quiet. I said there had been a newspaper article a few days ago about
Possible trigger:
. I was annoyed by it. T asked why. I said normally these things don't bother me. Reading about it or seeing pictures. But that time it did. Mostly because it was badly written. The article made it seem like it's a problem only 15 year olds have. He answered other people struggle with this too, older ones. He also said that nowadays the media talks more about this topic, probably because there are statistics that document stuff now. I got a bit mad about that, saying that it already existed in the past, so why treat it differently now.

Then I mentioned reading a bit more about mindfulness. But I'm still not really that far into it, I'm trying to take my time. After a bit of silence, he asked me what I was thinking about right now. I said I'm sad. T asked what the mindfulness said about sadness, but I couldn't answer that, I had just started doing this stuff. He said I should just say what I'm feeling physically and mentally. I mentioned that my back hurts and that I'd like to cry. He said I should just go with how I feel right now, try to really feel all the emotions that come up. I started crying. We sat in silence while I cried. After a while, he asked whether it was okay that he didn't say much and I nodded.

A bit later, he asked whether I was holding anything back. I nodded again. He said: "You know you shouldn't do that here." I started crying even more, probably loud enough for the other clients and therapists in the office to hear. T reminded me to concentrate on my breathing whenever that started to be too quick. At some point he asked me what my thoughts were currently. I answered that I have lots of memories from the past coming up. He wanted to know whether we should focus on one of them, but I said they are changing too much and quickly for me being able to make sense of it. I continued crying for a while.

At some point he instructed me to sit more upright, which I did. He told me to focus on my feet touching the floor and my legs touching the chair. Then he asked whether I wanted to look at him. First I only looked at his shoes. I saw him lower his head a bit the way he does it every time when I try to look at him. When I managed to look up, he smiled and nodded. I managed to look at him two more times, I think.

Then, I mentioned being scared that he'd be mad. He asked whether he was. I said no, but whenever I cry people get mad. He mentioned that it's important for me to realize that he's nod mad, to feel that. I replied I'm upset that I can't talk properly. I have all these thoughts and would love to just tell him everything. But somehow it just doesn't work. He said how that's okay and that he's there with me, trying to sit through all my feelings and experiences. That I share stuff sometimes and that we can go as slow as I want to.

I cried a bit more, then he said we'd have to wrap up. I started gathering my stuff while he got up to go copy my prescription. After that, we confirmed our usual appointment on Friday and said good bye.
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Default Nov 21, 2018 at 11:36 AM
  #374
Quote:
Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux View Post
He tried to work out what was on the t shirt I was wearing. I said Toshiro Mifune, my favourite actor.....
This warms my heart. I like the sound of your T. Seems like a tough but good session.
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Default Nov 21, 2018 at 12:36 PM
  #375
Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
(((Echos))) good work!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemoncake View Post
Awww that was a lovey session to read. Thank you for sharing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalassophile View Post
This warms my heart. I like the sound of your T. Seems like a tough but good session.
Thank you it was a tough session but I felt a lot lighter afterwards. I feel like we did good work. I love him very much.
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Default Nov 21, 2018 at 02:18 PM
  #376
Quote:
Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux View Post
He tried to work out what was on the t shirt I was wearing. I said Toshiro Mifune, my favourite actor. I said the shirt a character from Seven Samurai and asked if he had seen it. He said he didn't think so but he saw the original I was like "this is the original!" I don't think it's ever been remade so I don't know why he thought I was talking about a remake. I told him how much I love Kurosawa films. And Mifune in particular. Though something in his manner kind of reminds me of my late ex.

I told him I needed to talk about the shame I felt last session. I said sometimes I feel toxic and like he doesn't deserve to have to deal with me. As I said that I teared up. He asked me to explore that, to see what's underneath it. I tried but I just couldn't.

I said there was something I wanted to tell him that I think is linked to/a result of the shame last session, but that I couldn't. I had been googling him and found some pictures of him at conferences and I also found out his middle name from a register he is on. But I couldn't tell him that so I was arguing with myself about it, but only verbalising one half of the argument. So I was like "but the shame coming up in the relationship is important, it exists to be worked through" then sitting there silently while the other part internally said " what if he rejects you? He's reacted badly before.". I told T I was having an internal battle. He said "Yeah you keep interrupting yourself" I told him he was only hearing one half of the argument.

I said I didn't want to ignore or dismiss the part of me that didn't want to tell him. He said "I wonder what its purpose is" I said "to protect me from rejection". T said "that sounds like a laudable purpose"

I said "I've been googling you a lot and I think it's because I feel shame anyway and this perpetuates that cycle." I told him what I had found.

T said his hunch is that the shame is from a very long time ago and so it feels unreachable. His sense is that this is me trying to bring the shame into the here and now. I said "so we actually have something to work with" he said "exactly.".

I asked him for his response to what I told him. He thought for a while and was smiling. He said it makes him think about the dualism of wanting to be seen and not wanting to be seen, and said he is smiling because it reminds him of a conversation he had about that on Monday.

I was quiet and he asked where I had gone. I said I felt like he had gone straight to some other abstract time and place because it was safer than talking about his response to me. That I think it means there's somethung in his response to me that he wants to avoid.

He was quiet. I said "it doesn't matter". He said "it does matter." He said "I have two responses. I quite enjoy the attention of you searching for me online, and also I'm worried that you'll find something I'll wish you hadn't found. He said "and you're right. It was easier for me to talk about something from another time and conversation".

I was quiet. He asked what I was thinking. I said I want to split the atom. There's probably no point. He asked what I wanted to find in the atom. I said whether he didn't want me to find something because of its impact on me, or because of him. He said both, that he is worried about hurting me, and he is also worried about me finding something he might be ashamed of (though he doesn't know what that could be). He said he thinks the shame is happening between us in the room.
Possible trigger:


T tilted his head, smiled with his eyes and said "this must be really hard going for you. How are you doing?" I said "it is hard going".

We looked in each other's eyes for a long time. I said "that felt like the bit of us being roped together climbing a mountain (an ongoing metaphor) where you give me a hand up and hold onto me." He nodded. He said he noticed what hard work it was for me boring the footholes in the rock one-by-one.

We looked at each other for ages again. I asked if I could hold his hand. He gave me his hand. It was cold. I held it for a while and it got warmer. I looked at him and said "you know I love you".

We sat back and sat in silence again. With 5 minutes to go he said he hopes it's okay if he asks about my busy week. So I told him. I told him it's the competent me that he never sees and that I miss that he doesn't see it. I said "I know you're proud of me anyway though". He said "I am". He said he would quite like to see something I had done online but only wanted to look if I sent him the link, which was up to me. He said he wouldn't search for it. I said I appreciate that.

We stood up and hugged and I left.
Hooray! Happy ending!

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Default Nov 21, 2018 at 02:22 PM
  #377
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup View Post
Was a bit early but T still was ready right away. We went to his room, both were quiet for a while. I said he'd have to write me a new prescription. He answered that he'd already prepared it. Then he asked how my week was. I said it had been quite stressful, especially searching a job. I have applied for too many positions. Now I have to decide which one I'd like, and that's hard. Some of the companies do something a bit more related to physics, but all of them have large offices with a lot of people per room. And one company is a bit less interesting, but I'd only have to share my office with two or three people, which sounds nice. Plus their coffee machine is great.

He asked me which companies I had already visited. I have seen one of the large ones already and will have an introduction to their software in a few days. The small one I already know because my partner works there too. "Is that not a problem? Do they know you're together?" Yes, they know, most of his co-workers have met me during company events. It didn't seem to be a problem, and the interviews went really well too. They asked a few technical questions, I didn't know some of the things they asked about, but when I mentioned I didn't know the language in which their examples were written, they said they think I could easily learn it. Everything sounded quite positive.

We went quiet. I said there had been a newspaper article a few days ago about
Possible trigger:
. I was annoyed by it. T asked why. I said normally these things don't bother me. Reading about it or seeing pictures. But that time it did. Mostly because it was badly written. The article made it seem like it's a problem only 15 year olds have. He answered other people struggle with this too, older ones. He also said that nowadays the media talks more about this topic, probably because there are statistics that document stuff now. I got a bit mad about that, saying that it already existed in the past, so why treat it differently now.

Then I mentioned reading a bit more about mindfulness. But I'm still not really that far into it, I'm trying to take my time. After a bit of silence, he asked me what I was thinking about right now. I said I'm sad. T asked what the mindfulness said about sadness, but I couldn't answer that, I had just started doing this stuff. He said I should just say what I'm feeling physically and mentally. I mentioned that my back hurts and that I'd like to cry. He said I should just go with how I feel right now, try to really feel all the emotions that come up. I started crying. We sat in silence while I cried. After a while, he asked whether it was okay that he didn't say much and I nodded.

A bit later, he asked whether I was holding anything back. I nodded again. He said: "You know you shouldn't do that here." I started crying even more, probably loud enough for the other clients and therapists in the office to hear. T reminded me to concentrate on my breathing whenever that started to be too quick. At some point he asked me what my thoughts were currently. I answered that I have lots of memories from the past coming up. He wanted to know whether we should focus on one of them, but I said they are changing too much and quickly for me being able to make sense of it. I continued crying for a while.

At some point he instructed me to sit more upright, which I did. He told me to focus on my feet touching the floor and my legs touching the chair. Then he asked whether I wanted to look at him. First I only looked at his shoes. I saw him lower his head a bit the way he does it every time when I try to look at him. When I managed to look up, he smiled and nodded. I managed to look at him two more times, I think.

Then, I mentioned being scared that he'd be mad. He asked whether he was. I said no, but whenever I cry people get mad. He mentioned that it's important for me to realize that he's nod mad, to feel that. I replied I'm upset that I can't talk properly. I have all these thoughts and would love to just tell him everything. But somehow it just doesn't work. He said how that's okay and that he's there with me, trying to sit through all my feelings and experiences. That I share stuff sometimes and that we can go as slow as I want to.

I cried a bit more, then he said we'd have to wrap up. I started gathering my stuff while he got up to go copy my prescription. After that, we confirmed our usual appointment on Friday and said good bye.
((CNS))

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Default Nov 21, 2018 at 02:56 PM
  #378
Quote:
Originally Posted by CantExplain View Post
Possible trigger:
One of the things in my anger letter to my mom that brought all this up was that I love dogs but wouldn't adopt one because I know that I couldn't provide for their needs at this point in my life and it wouldn't be fair to the dog.
She's said she "was never meant to be a mother" more than once. She and I have that in common.
I have no desire to have kids, but even if I did I'd know it would be cruel to create a child knowing that I couldn't be a good mother.
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Default Nov 22, 2018 at 10:23 AM
  #379
Interesting session today. I began by telling R about the public speaking workshop, and could barely look at her whilst doing so. I enjoyed her smile of recognition, though there was an air of ‘It took you that long to notice?’ I found it hard to explain why the exercise had such an impact on me, and how I had been required to fend off by the inner critic. She reminded me that she had spent time in previous sessions of ‘Trying to find you, almost.’
We then talked some more about the critic and R pointed out that the critic seems to come forward when I’m at my most real. She asked whether the experience at the workshop hand made me want to change anything about the space. I reiterated that the most significant element of this is about me feeling of alone with it.
‘Yes…’
‘I think it’s about –that sounds weird, I know… I think it’s about being as physically connected as possible.’ I don’t know why but I was expecting R to be more weirded out by its all. I think we have established how important that is to me as a marker of safety.
I railed against them on a ‘They knew what they were doing’ type rant.
‘You sound definite about that – does that make it more painful?’

‘I accept that I did nothing to bring this on myself, but I didn’t walk away.’

‘I heard you bat the self-blame away then. If you had known then what you know now, would you have walked away?’

I waffled for a while, going back and forth ‘If I had walked away, and something terrible had happened, I would not have known.’
I went on to say that the emotional cost would have been less.
‘What strikes me is the length of the deception. It hadn’t really struck me before. You were in the situation for so long, do you think it would have made any difference if you had known sooner?’
I wanted to make a point about how I only knew Chris for a year, and that made very little difference to my grief, but I didn’t.
‘There was a trajectory to both experiences, but with what I was exposed to in January 2011, there was no respect for me.’
‘You hold that [the experience with Chris] in high esteem, not just because you have something to compare it to.’
We talked about the value of that opportunity to release. I waffled some more about the impact of the experience. ‘I feel furious and hurt.’

‘I think that is the first time I have ever heard you name specific emotions.’
‘If by some twisted experiment, they were here now, I cannot imagine being angry with them.’
‘I am curious as to what ‘being angry’ would look like to you.’
‘I can’t imagine shouting.’
‘What can you imagine?’
‘I would want them to know how much this hurts. The impact of it now is that I don’t feel…’
‘You don’t feel…?’
‘I am going to change that and say I don’t feel.’
‘You don’t feel? You have described crying in the past, and I know there’s a lot of shame that comes with that for you. I think you called it a loss of control? But you don’t feel the emotion?’
‘I am so wrapped up in waiting for it to be over that I don’t.’
‘It’s almost like there’s a fear of feeling.’
‘Of how that will be…’
‘And what it will feel like?’
R talked about two things to close that have recently come to her attention: vicarious trauma, and another diagram based exercise – envisaging the mind with a tap, and creating opportunities to let some stuff out now and then.

‘It could be that this space is one opportunity for you to let some stuff out.’

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Default Nov 22, 2018 at 01:01 PM
  #380
T yesterday (day early due to Thanksgiving). I opened the outside waiting room door just as he opened the inner waiting room door--perfectly timed! Went back and sat down.

I thanked him for his email response from the day before (H is facing some layoffs at his job, he hopes he won't be affected, but in case he is, I asked T if he'd be willing to work with me on cost of sessions, and he said he would, giving examples of how he'd worked with clients with a changing financial situation before). T: "Oh, right, I'd forgotten all about that!" (Me: Thinking, "It was a day ago!") Talked briefly about the stress of the unknown and he reiterated what he'd shared in email, saying how he'd consider a client's percentage decrease in income, and then he'd decide on a level with them that would be the new normal fee. He said again how he'd let one client "who was in a really bad situation" see him for just $5 a session for a few months. I said I'd be honest about the situation, and T said he has to just trust people with things like that, how he's unfortunately been burned before. I said how some people just take advantage, and he agreed.

He said he was glad my conference with D's teacher had gone well the day before (I'd mentioned that in email). We discussed that a bit. I said how I think I'm too trained for therapy, because I knew conference was only supposed to be 15 minutes (she kept us over) and I kept saying, "I know we have to stop soon, but..." And that the teacher was probably like "What's her deal?" Me: "I probably got into that habit because ex-T was strict about time." T: "I'd think then you would just have trusted her to keep it." Me: "Hm, good point. Maybe was more for ex-MC then, since he often took us back late, so I wouldn't be sure when end was, and he'd keep us anywhere from 50 minutes to an hour and 15 or more, so by saying 'I know we have to stop soon,' I'd be trying to figure out from his response how much time we had left." T: "Oh OK."

Me: "Yeah, though you're much more consistent. I think part of why I keep a close eye on the time in here and say things like, 'I know we have to stop soon' is I worry you'll be annoyed with me if we end up going over...But I guess that says something about me because I know it's really your responsibility to keep the time. Yet I still worry about annoying you, and..." T (smiling): "I'm just going to sit back and let you do therapy on yourself." Me: "Maybe you could just read a book or something." T: "Just let me know when I need to tune back in!"

I updated him that I'd gotten my mammogram results the day before and they were fine. T: "I'm glad to hear that." Said we hadn't heard about H's biopsy yet and that I still had the pelvic ultrasound next week. Me: "What I hate about these kinds of tests is that you can feel fine, then suddenly it's like you could get the results and your whole life would change, like needing surgery, chemo. And I tend to have that worry when things are going well, where I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like D's doing well, so what's going to go wrong? I hate that I'm like that. I wish I wasn't. But I think it's just how I'm naturally oriented."

T: "You're right in a sense that you're probably not going to completely change who you are." Me: "Yeah, I'm not going to suddenly become glass half-full." T: "You're on the neurotic side of the personality spectrum. You're not going change completely away from that, but you can become the least neurotic version of yourself possible." Me: "OK. So...how do I do that?"

T: "Well, one study showed that a gratitude journal can help." Me: "Yeah, I got one of those for Christmas a couple years ago and used it twice." T: "Well, you have to actually use it. Another study had people doing the GLAD method for months, writing one item each day that you're grateful for, that you learned, an accomplishment, and something that caused delight. And that caused a significant change in outlook and mood. Many people continued doing it after the study ended." Me: "Hm...maybe that's something to try again." T said that studies have also found that not complaining or gossiping about people can help, that verbalizing some of those feelings can give more weight to them than just thinking them.

I talked a bit about the stress of the week and how I wasn't looking forward to Thanksgiving, as it's with H's sister and her H, so H's brother-in-law. Me: "Would he also be considered my brother-in-law?" T (a bit incredulously): "Uh, yes, he's your brother-in-law, too!" Me: "They've only been married 5 years, so not that long." T: "*Only* 5 years??? Five years is a long time! Most divorces happen by year 7. 'Only 5 years'...you're funny." Me: "Well, it's been 10 for me, so I guess in comparison..."

We had 20 minutes left. I said I was debating what else to discuss, how part of me wanted to talk about my alcohol use. T: "We could talk about that, or we also had talked about working on some breathing and mindfulness techniques, so could do that, too." I initially opted for breathing/mindfulness, but then ended up talking about alcohol instead. How I kept trying to do better, and I might do better for a bit, but then something stressful would happen, like Monday with H talking about layoffs. Me: "I had more to drink than I should have that night. It's like I'm waiting for the perfect time to cut back, like when there's no stress, but I guess that isn't going to happen, is it? Like there's no perfect time?" T agreed. I said I was being more mindful about it and doing better with some things lately, like, "OK, I'm only having 3 today" or "I'm not having another tonight" and sticking with that, but that if I told someone the quantity I often drank, they'd likely be like "Wow, that's a lot!" T: "I hope you realize I'm not judging you." Me: "I know, I'm just talking about a random outside person."

I said I had gotten into bad habits, like sometimes having a beer before noon. It's like how smoking (cigarettes) was for me. I started out just socially smoking when out with friends, bumming cigarettes from them. Then I went on to buying my own but only smoking with them. Me: "Then it became smoking alone on my balcony or in my car or in the shower." T: "Smoking in the shower?!? That would take some skill!" Me: "Yeah, I guess..." I said I hadn't had a cigarette in like 10 years though am tempted at times. T: "That's really good."

I mentioned Thanksgiving at my in-laws, where they don't allow alcohol (recovering alcoholic in family). I said how a few years ago, we'd stashed some beer in the car just in case, so I could sneak out and have a beer if I felt I needed to (I didn't). T (pretending to be me): "'I just have to go make a phone call at my car really quickly." Me: "Exactly." T (joking): "Then they'd be like, 'Wait, LT, you have *another* phone call to take?'"

T said I could still consider AA, that some of what they teach could also help me deal with anxiety. I said I was kind of uncertain about that, especially as they expect abstinence, other things. But I said I guessed I could have tried a meeting, like it's not like I have to talk or they're going to drug-test me. He agreed. He said if I didn't want meetings, there are also books, but he got sense I did well with communities (see: PC).

Me: "If I'm doing well with therapy and it's helping me, shouldn't drinking not be an issue anymore? Or is it that...I'm still working on healing certain things, like I need to fix things inside of me first to deal with that." T: "Yes--it may be that we're just not there yet." (I appreciated his using "we," as it suggests we're on the journey together.)

T said how, if I wanted to go back to moderation, the best way is probably to go to abstinence for a bit, then gradually work my way back to more social drinking. Me: "Sort of resetting?" T: "Yes, exactly." T said how it could be good to get to a place where I'm drinking for positive reasons, like to be social with friends or because I wanted to try a new beer. Rather than to cope with negative emotions or deal with social anxiety.

T: "But for now it's become a coping mechanism for you. So you need to figure out other coping mechanisms. Otherwise, if you're trying to stop it and don't have any other things to do in place of it, it's going to be really difficult." Me: "Yeah...so maybe we need to work on those." T: "That's why I mentioned the mindfulness and breathing exercises. Or something like going for a walk." Me: "Maybe we can work on those next week."

We were out of time, confirmed/scheduled for next week. Paid, he stood up (he's been standing for this lately--used to stay sitting, which bothered me a bit, but I never said anything because it seemed unimportant) and shook my hand while saying a very warm, genuine, "Have a good Thanksgiving." Me: "You too."
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My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

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The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.