Feeling uncomfortable about accepting my Therapist's charity

Feeling as awkward as ever about therapy. During the last session (way back in February), I told her that I wanted to take a break/stop thinking about my mental health for a while. At times, I have put it behind me but not to the extent I would like. After I said that, she said something like that's fine, I can call and make an appointment if I need to/things change. Then she offered to see my daughter for free!

Idiot me, I did not follow her advice to not share things we have discussed in session with my husband. During a walk, I mentioned that she had offered to see our daughter for free. Then, a few days later when our daughter told her dad some not so nice things, he took the computer away he gave her and threatened to kick her out. A day or two later, he told me that if she would go to therapy, then she could stay. In order to smooth things over, I asked her to make an appointment. I know this was a big mistake.

My H gave me the impression, he wanted to see her go to therapy regularly but I dropped it because I was uncomfortable with forcing her and especially with her going to her mom's therapist. I mean, part of her problems may be me.

Even worse, my H and I tried to go to family therapy this week (we will not be going back). I told the T what happened asking what should I do? She said it wasn't proper for us to go to the same T. However, during the session, H said, he did not say our daughter had to go. Then when I asked him about it in the truck on the way home, he said, "I would never ask her to go unless she wanted too!! What? This is so contrary to things he has told me. I definitely felt so gaslighted that I actually felt sorry for my H. The session was not easy for him and I figured that maybe he was ashamed of his behavior when he lost his temper with our daughter that day. I am sure he said she had to go. Even worse, I aquiessed even though my gut instinct was that it was the wrong thing to do.

Right before writing this, I sent a text, asking for an appointment because I am trying not to put my families business on PC but yesterdays counseling session with my H has things in an uproar between H and I once again. I shouldn't vent but am and now am having 2nd thoughts about requesting an appointment. My gut says, there is something not quite right about my therapy. Also, during my very first session with her--I gave her a memoir that was mostly about H and I plus my attempt in 2015. It was over 80 pages long. Sometimes I wonder if I told her way too much.....

I don't know what kind of feedback would be helpful to you, but what flags for me in your last post is that something is not quite right about your marriage. Your husband's behavior towards your daughter is controlling, which is also the purpose of gaslighting. It seems like part of your therapy was to help you figure out if you want to be there. I think that's a good use of your time. Go to your appointment, you don't have to make another one if you don't want to but it seems to me like a low investment to figure out your next move. Maybe no therapy is or will work for you (I don't think things are going well now, but maybe they will get better without therapy) or maybe going back for some amount of time (doesn't have to be forever) will help you figure out what's best for you and your daughter.

My son is nearly of legal age, and I would not appreciate my spouse threatening to kick him out under any circumstances. Why is he the boss of both of you? Not acceptable. And my son sees my therapist per his choice, after his therapist moved out of town and he decided after a year to go back. If she doesn't want to go, then don't make her. But if she is willing to go and maybe it would really help her to have someone to talk to about her conflict and mistreatment from her father (stepfather? I assume so since you call her just "my daughter." If she wants to go and wants to continue, then accept your therapist's gift for what it is, for the sake of your daughter. Like most mothers, I am sure you will do what is best for your kid. It is a kind but not herculean effort for your therapist to offer to see her for free. Take her up on said offer, if it's what your kid wants.

My vote is to dump the husband and keep the kind therapist. FWIW.

I don't think people who make charitable contributions are necessarily codependent, although I do see your point. I think it's a case of all apples are fruits, but not all fruits are apples, if you get what I mean. Even if your therapist is codependent, I would say that's not your problem and it's not your responsibility to manage.

As for accepting charity from your therapist, I think charity sometimes is hard to accept for people here in the US due to our culture. American culture very much emphasizes independence and self-reliance. These are good characteristics. The issue is that there is a dissonance between them and the realities of life for a good number of people. Sure, if you check all the right boxes in terms of socioeconomic status ( family economic and social position, income, education), health, social supports, etc., you have the ingredients to be what we call independent and self-reliant. However, this is actually an illusion because it requires that you be born with privilege and social supports. I hope I'm explaining that in a way that makes sense.

For people who don't check all those boxes for whatever reason, they are at a disadvantage. That is the reason we have social programs, inadequate as they usually are. I think the word "charity" has a negative connotation in the US due to cultural expectations that were formed a long time ago when there was less of a class disparity in the US. Sure, some people still had more privilege than others, but economically speaking, it was much more of an even playing field than it is now and there was much more economic mobility (meaning people were able to affect change in the economic status they were born into with greater ease than they are now). I obviously don't know all of the factors in your case, but at the very least, you are impacted by mental illness and the rising costs of healthcare.

I generally think when people provide charity to others, it is because they recognize that life is often difficult for many and feel compassion. Some may even recognize the inherent unfairness of the lives many people are born into or how life can get screwed up by things that are out of a person's control. I am not a therapist, but at my old job, I provided countless fellow employees with computer repair and maintenance services free of charge. I didn't do this because I am codependent. I did it because I happened to know how much money they made due to my position, and I knew that taking their devices to computer repair shops would result in exorbitant charges. Plus, sometimes they just thought the devices were broken and that they needed to buy new ones, which they couldn't afford. These people also happened to be members of a disadvantaged group (I was not selective, that's just how it was) and I knew it was extremely likely they were paying off student loans - which I also knew might be higher due to the fact that they were members of this group. So I provided my services because I saw an opportunity to make a difference and remove a stressful burden from a fellow human being.

I think your therapist is probably motivated for the same or similar reasons. And I don't think she would want you to go to therapy less because she is doing it for free. I would not have wanted someone whom I had helped to not seek me out again because I had already helped them. For example, say I fixed one problem on their computer, but another cropped up that kept it from running smoothly. In a way, my work on the first problem would have been for nothing because the computer still didn't really work. So I would want them to bring it back. I would be invested in the outcome - even if the outcome was advising them to get a new computer. In your situation, your therapist is invested in providing treatment. And really, if the money was that important to her, she could have invested the time to figure out how to submit the claims. But sometimes, the hassle of doing something isn't worth the payoff.

Anyway, I hope that helps... I know I kind of rambled a bit, but it's all relevant if you think about it.

Anne and Susannah, Thanks for your feedback. I do agree with the points you made.

I am afraid that my son has already been kicked out and will have been homeless for one year on May 1st. He refuses to go anywhere near where homeless people live or any kind of services because he fears predators take advantage of homeless people, etc. This is probably one of the reasons she feels compassion for me. He says all the time that he will never marry, have kids, etc. I think both he and my daughter might agree with the following sentiment ( charles hugh smith-Weblog and Essays) , "The necessity of neutering the majority politically, socially and economically manifests in two destructive ways: young people who opt out (or are frozen out) of the failed status quo do not mate and have children, do not buy houses, new cars, etc. This sets off a demographic time bomb that guarantees the implosion of the financial promises made by the self-serving status quo." I am afraid my H blames them and me for their failure to launch.and all that blaming plus my not recognizing what was going on when I should have has not helped. Yes, I am worse of than I like to admit to myself. I grew up in "better times" and have had a hard time seeing things as they really are. I feel unable both emotionally and financially to leave my husband. If one day while my H was at work, I told my son he could come home (I do have that right I know), I am afraid of what could happen to my son. My H and my son have called the police on each other many times and there are many reasons why my husband could get the upper hand/make things worse for our son. And yes, they are both his kids too!

But I think I need to add that the situation is more complex than I described but it is hard for me to put it into words without talking about other details I do not want to divulge. I made a lot of mistakes. My husband/their dad does work hard to make us financially secure and he and I will be OK but it just hasn't worked out for our children yet.

I understand about complexity of family situations and the difficulty of explaining them here. I am sorry that things are so difficult for you right now, but would really encourage you to return to therapy and encourage your daughter if that is what she wants. My son went after his father died a few years ago, but now goes about once/month or whenever he wants.

It seems to me that you need support and a place to be safe with your own stuff, away from what feels to me like the tyrant like behavior of your husband. I've made many mistakes as a mother, who hasn't, and I've found therapy has been helpful to me in examining those mistakes and learning from them.