I will talk

I think I am finally ready for one on one with tradtional talk therapy where I will have to laboriously dissect each and every memory. I have a rough draft of my memoir, and every word is true. Just pure memory. No dreams, no assumptions, no what should or could have happened, no references or psycho babble, no down playing, and no anonymity. Just my story. They will know
who I speak of in order for me to feel the real emotions or I will just be wasting my time. My book is my way. Now it is time I accepted help from higher powers with esoteric knowledge.
I know the sessions are written and kept on record for other doctors but I trust that they will be kept under lock and key.
I am not afraid of what flaws the doctor may discover in my choices. I know at some point they will challenge me. Even though this person did this...why did you or did you not....
It means I have to talk about everyone. And if it is the only way I can move on with my life then I have to trust them. It means I am unable to work creatively for the duration, that's ok because I will keep my eyes on the prize at the end so goodbye forum blog for a spell.
They know I am well and they know I am perfectly sane. And one said it is such a shame to watch a bright and talented person who is still young feel so hopeless. So my problems must be rooted in the past. So bring on the couch, I will lay my troubles down once and for all. No victims, only survivors.

It sounds like you are in a really good place to move forward. Best wishes for you in your search for the right therapist to go on the journey with you. Kit.

I wish you all the best, Balth

I’m wishing you the best

I think it's great that your memoir writing has led you to this place. Many people find writing therapeutic, in some cases far greater than therapy itself. But what therapy has to offer you is for someone to be a witness to your story, for you to feel seen and heard in the way you intended, and for another human to appreciate what you've been through and how you plan to move forward. That's what therapy has done for me.

Good luck to you, wish you all the best.

I agree, good way of saying it Anne2.0

A witness to your story.
Yes I also hope that
I can feel someone
Is in my corner.
I thought talking,
Would inhibit my writing.
It seems to be acting
As a conduit.
A real live audience.
I was always nervous
Speaking to a
Group of people.
But one person,
I can handle.

Stigma is the thorn
In my paw.
Maybe it is me
Assuming that the
Doors are sealed
From me because
Of my hospital stays.
Many people go
To rehab more
Than once and relapse.
I did art while
In rehab. It's the
Only constant in my life.
If I do art first
Then maybe it
Will lead onto something else.
I should do the portfolio year.
For once I am
Excited about this
New chapter in my life.
To be able to learn
And do my own thing
At the same time
That is what makes
Art exciting. There's
More than one answer.
And it's about
Doing something different.
Freedom of expression
Has limits though.
Come on, I am
A stick in the mud
At the end of the day.
I did maths and science
Until I knew where
My heart lay.

Suffering for art is
In a way egotistical.
I get that.
It's not like
Being a suffragette.
I was never that brave.
I was a coward.
I cannot see me
In a pride parade
Any day soon or anyday either.
I have reservations
With them to be honest.
They really are not me.
I would campaign
For gay marriage and
For adoption rights.
Yes most definitely.
But for simply being.
It may fade to
The past someday.
When I am gone.
But my personal art?
It is look how
Good I am at something.
I have made sacrifices,
So call me egotistical.
Because recognition is
An ultimate aim.
I am an artist
Before any label
Like a feminist.
I am not sure
I am strident enough
To say I hold
Some feminist beliefs.
I don't feel the need
To speak about it dogmatically.
It is what it is.
If you have a problem
I won't try and
Change it as it's
Your problem, not mine.

On Friday I spoke
About someone and
My therapist swore
Under his breath.
I won't say what
They called them.
I spoke about how
They put their chair
Back on me all the
Way travelling to a comp
And how they
Humiliated me in class
Infront of everyone
By saying I did the
Walk of shame
When I never!
It was ten pm
On a school night.
Because I was not
With my friends.

It was when I told
Them that he made a
Joke about me not
Getting pregnant or
I would not make the
Championships that year.
I choked up when
He asked how did that feel?
I am not a ...a ...
Yes. He put his hand
Up and stopped me.
I felt like a brazen....hus...
And then my
Therapist swore
Under his breath.

I'm not really a poetry person, but I gather something negative happened with the therapist and you got hurt. I don't know if you will see this since you deleted your account, but I am sorry that you were harmed by your therapist (if I'm interpreting things correctly).

There is nothing
On record. I did
Not speak to the
Professionals even though
I could have
And some would
Say should have.
Bygones be bygones.
Last post from me.