Has anyone successfully worked through their transference?

I completely agree! The unnatural and extremely limited circumstances of therapy or sometimes just the effects of a crappy, manipulative person (therapist). I also think that many of the usual transference interpretations are extremely simplistic and superficial, wannabe one size fits all theories.

Everyone on here is so smart. They can read through things and see it for what it really is. I read through that site and bought right into it. I guess because I feel I need so much help. I guess I am gullible in this state.

But it sounds like your therapy has helped you a lot.

THIS IS EVERYTHING.

I am not a therapy fan, but if it keeps someone alive, away from harmful behaviors, and together enough to keep functioning I don’t see a reason to stop. The painful side effects don’t outweigh the gains.

Yes, if you're needy, you go to those who promise (seem to, anyway) to have ways to fulfill those needs. Of course! And they may, in fact, have something to offer -- just not maybe the whole enchilada.

Been there, done that -- for 55 years, on and off. Didn't even consider that there was something wrong, or negative, about therapy, just the way I was doing it or the therapist I was with until, in my discomfort, I read things that other people said on here and started questioning. . .

But as long is your therapy is doing you more good than harm, and it sounds as if it may be, and you are aware of, on the lookout for, side effects, etc., . . .

Zero self-awareness is my bet.

Yes, I agree with this as well. It can be viewed as a form of harm reduction in those cases. I am not generally a big fan of harm reduction approaches as they never truly resolve the problem and often prolong suffering on a lower level. But something like enduring the emotional pain of attachment and still leading a decent life vs. for example debilitating depression or phobias is not the worst compromise, IMO. Or therapy obsession vs. substance abuse. In my case, the "therapy addiction" and emaling the Ts pretty much replaced quite disruptive hooking up with all sorts of strangers on the internet or even excessive virtual communication with some people I know, and it was definitely less harmful and useless. Therapy also became disruptive for me in the end and then I stopped it, but my desires for all the useless communication never truly returned. Now only this PC forum, but I don't have cravings for this group discussions and it never becomes very compulsive, more a conscious distraction that I can control pretty easily and there are no side effects. I believe I will always be at least somewhat prone to excess and obsessions, but if it stays like it is now, I will happily live with it forever.

Moxie - maybe you need more than exclusive EMDR at the moment? Is there no flexibility? I would really miss being able to have an 'off day' session and talk about random stuff, I think those sessions can be helpful in other ways. It's good that you are doing better but it sounds as though your feelings for him are becoming more difficult to deal with?

I wanted to edit my previous post, as I felt as though I didn't articulate myself well regarding how therapy and therapist deal with transference. Also, I'm aware that I am speaking solely from a psychoanalytic perspective, because that's all I know. I can't edit it, so I'll put it here - I think that therapy and therapists can help with attachment issues... obviously, that's the bread and butter of the work but what concerns me is how very intense love transference is handled in therapy and whether the therapy setting (framework, therapist's flexibility etc) helps or hinders the process of moving forward (to a place that isn't as painful/chaotic/suicidal etc). It feels to me that the therapy setting is still very much based on an old patriarchal principle of how therapy works... so that even when the client is telling the therapist - this isn't working or I'm stuck - this is usually ultimately put down to the clients defences and/or resistance. I'm sure most therapists would also look internally too but ultimately it comes down to the client's internal world because that's the point of therapy.

In connection to that, a client will most likely know very little about what is going on in the therapist's life. So again, clients are more often than not taking the burden for everything that might go wrong... like getting stuck or getting worse. This is what I find very frustrating in therapy, it's spoken about like it's a partnership and indeed, both parties are working but the client will usually not know if something has 'gone awry' on the side of the therapist. I'm not sure what the answer is but I think more openness (that is appropriate) is needed and ultimately more flexibility in approach towards the individual.

I got very stuck for a while and was close to giving up. It seems very likely to me now, looking back, that he was also going through a difficult time in his personal life. He was not not a terrible therapist but I think he was struggling with something on his side. I wish I'd known that then or had some hint but he was quite adamant that it was my past that was colouring my experience. Things are better now thankfully but mainly due to me consciously being less dependant and being a bit more resilient.

I love this site, the way the concepts are explained. I was at first taken aback when I read this, but then thought I'd post it here since it fits with the discussion.

thanks, this is an interesting concept. it does describe the very obsessive therapy client, the clients who actually enjoy or even love going to therapy, whose lives revolve around therapy, their therapist, everything and anything 'therapy' related and who seem to mindlessly worship, devour, and regurgitate the same nonsense that the perceived 'all-knowing-guru' professionals tout without stopping to actually question or ponder the validity and real life usefulness of that 'tout'. like the concept states, to me this sounds like 'professional clients' who will happily engage in therapy until their dying day. but this is by no means describes the same experince i felt or relate to when i say i was 'addicted' to the relationship with my therapist. my addiction was quite uncomfortable, painful and miserable much of the time...probably the best descriptor is it felt like a complete 'mind f#ck'

Would you mind telling us how you happened to come across this quote? It comes off to me as client-blaming. Kind of like doctors blaming patients for getting addicted to the opiods they prescribe.

Here's another article that came up when I did a search on "addiction to therapy"

When Therapy Becomes an Addiction | Psychology Today

I think one could describe me as having been addicted to therapy. I didn't know it exactly -- I didn't have the sense of self to know that.

Having detoxed from therapy for 2 years, and with the help and support of this site and an in-person support group I lucked into, I'm able to read this part

and experience what seems to be contempt that the author has for the "other" whom the patient seems to be to him, and see that as a feeling in the author and not necessarily me.

But how one can get to that point, other than luck -- I have not seen any good descriptions that a client could use or any suggestions for an "intention" they could set for themselves to help them get there -- other than "go to therapy", which then, as we are discussing, can become an addiction.

I was looking up defense mechanisms common to me when I came upon the article. Yes, I had a negative reaction to the article too, and was really surprised. The author is very candid and often notes pitfalls of therapists rather than anything that would look like blaming clients.

Maybe persistence in wanting to get better more aptly describes someone in that situation? That comes to mind when I read your posts rather than any 'addiction'.

I think I actually have worked through it. I come from the background of abuse and neglect and have experience strong attachment to my T. Neither my T nor I have called the feelings "transference" or are fans of labeling feelings as such, but I have always told her about the feelings I have and we have discussed where and why I might have them.

My life has turned so much better in all the other aspects because of therapy. All my relationships feel better and more secure and I view myself and life in a positive manner. I still think very highly of my T, but I have lost the obsessive quality of it all. She feels like a regular person to me, much like many other people in my life that I am fond of. I trust she cares and has good intentions and I don't want anything from her that she is not able to give. I am not obsessing what she thinks of me etc. I am still in therapy, but probably not for very long anymore, and that feels fine as well.

So thank you for this thread, it really made me think and notice that if wanting to put it that way and use that terminology, I have worked through it successfully.

oh, ouch!

Intellectualising is a defence for sure but I don't think it = a refusal to change. Obsessing about therapy and learning about it, in my mind, suggests a desire to heal on some level. Just turning up does... even if we are defensive and resistant... and who isn't defensive and resistant?! Maybe someone who had a good enough beginning and doesn't need therapy!

It is also partly the job of the therapist to find some way of helping the client reach their deeper stuff and help them facilitate change. So if the current way of working isn't working, changes (however small) need to be made within the setting.

It's an interesting piece though. I'm sure there are bad therapists that fall into this category but I see it more like becoming a parent. By being a child and by being parented, we might want to learn from our parents mistakes and become better parents ourselves hopefully. Or maybe it's just a right of passage to think that we can do better and eventually we go back to the old ways of parenting/therapy because they work.

This rings true for me. I believe I have worked through the original issues that brought me to therapy. Despite my long tenure in therapy, I am quite sure I am not "addicted" nor do I think I need to either stop or move to another therapist or modality.

Opinions on and off this board that there is something wrong with people who have spent years with the same therapist are not credible. People get to judge for themselves (along with any insurance company, in my case) how and why therapy works for them, and unless you've been in that place, you just can't know. I think I've become quite expert and efficient at using therapy to head off my yearly anniversary grief, cope with the high stress of the work I do, keep my head on straight when parenting my teen, and otherwise live my life in the best way I can. Maybe other people find it easier to focus on themselves than I do, but the hour in the therapy room is like a tune up for me.

In the not too distant future, I'll return to every other week, and then possibly every month. But as long as I do the work that I do, I'll do some kind of therapy, because vicarious trauma is a thing. I don't imagine I will continue until old age, but I won't hesitate to seek it if I do.

For me, having a therapist I've known for almost a decade has some of the same pleasures as my long term relationships. It's definitely different than doing therapy with someone in the beginning. I think I have only been able to deal with some of the things I have because of the long tenure of the relationship, so it has its place.

This is mentioned in the above article and is also something I often think about, reading all the intense therapy preoccupation stories here on PC:
"Her self-preoccupation and childhood focus had put a great deal of tension on her relationship with her parents and distanced her from her husband and son."

One way how therapy can become a big distraction for some clients, whether we call it addiction or not. I don't think it makes too much sense to overly generalize these things. We have different backgrounds, some people are just prone to these preoccupation, obsession, addiction etc and will often experience it with many therapists (that clearly shows it is not about the person of the T) and others are not prone to it and will not experience it. I also don't think it is as simple as transference related to unmet needs in childhood. For some people, yes. For others (like myself, I believe), I think it is more an addiction- and obsession-predisposed biological makeup and the individual will have a tendency to get hooked on anything that provides intense stimulation and pleasure. For me, dissecting all these psychological mechanisms and discussing it with others is very interesting and enjoyable - why I liked therapy sessions and interacting with the Ts (unless it became really twisted and disrespectful) and also why I like this forum. Why it can become a distraction - it provide momentary enjoyment=instant gratification. It is not transference in my case but one of my main interests that gives me pleasure to explore, I think. For others, it can be transference. And many other things.

I don't know. I actually think intellectualizing led to successes in my therapy because I sought out information to learn all about it. Otherwise, I would have thought the whole thing to be crazy. Not sure I would have benefited the same had I not researched it myself, so I do think therapists are more responsible for client outcomes than others might point out. As I mentioned in another thread, I do believe the therapist has to work too...

Any of my behaviors/thoughts that might be considered 'obsessive' pretty much disappeared after working through the transference. In the article Here today posted, the therapist was all down on psychoanalytic method, yet that's one therapy that I strongly believe in.

Also want to point out because I think this is really important-the way the therapist works can really promote the obsession and dependency. Psychoanalytic therapy really brought it out in me-it was agonizing.

I don't think that wanting to have information and researching independently is the same as the defense mechanism of intellectualizing. The latter implies an escape from dealing with emotions and the irrational elements of our nature. Wanting to understand one's emotional processes, instead of just experiencing them, is pretty much the basic goal of therapy, no? And if someone finds it useful and sees significant improvement due to it in how they handle emotions, I don't think they escape by any means. The whole of therapy is quite an intellectual process and requires that strongly, that is how it can be different from ordinary interactions for many people, I believe. For me personally, many (if not most) of my ordinary interactions also tend to be heavily analytical and involving mutual introspection on psychological factors, one reason therapy did not bring me much new and felt superficial given that therapy sessions were an hour a week (plus some emails) vs. the rest of my life and social interactions all the time. I often quickly lose interest in and move on from people who cannot or do not want to engage with me in this way so, for me, it's part of a long-term, basic lifestyle. And yes, for me dealing with emotions very often involves heavily intellectualizing - escaping into what feels much more pleasurable than actually experiencing negative feelings. That's a defense. But I find that I can work on loosening it much more effectively in everyday life, especially when I have bad days and conflicts with people and trying to resolve them or just let them be. In therapy, just sitting and talking about it... was very much intellectualizing for me instead of doing, and because intellectualizing is kinda automatic for me and can even turn addictive, therapy was just running in the same old familiar circles, which I already do by default. But if someone can use it constructively and improve as a result, that is not an escape or defense IMO.

This seems to fit with me as well. I have OCD, which means I'm going to obsess about things. So yes, I've gotten obsessive about my ex-marriage counselor and maybe to some extent, at times, about current T. And I've been obsessive about therapy in general. But the way my mind works, I'm going to be obsessing about *something* at any given time. It could be my health, like convincing myself I have cancer or some other illness. It could be reading whatever I can find online about autism (because of my D), seeking supplements or interventions that could possibly help. It could be, as was more common in my younger years, being obsessed with a particular band or singer and finding out everything I could about them, seeking out every song or album (and, in one case, publishing a fanzine).

So in some ways, an obsession with therapy might be healthier for me than, say, obsessing about my health or what I'm not doing to help my daughter. Obviously, I want to do what I can to help her, but spending hours a day obsessing about her and researching online is not necessarily the healthiest thing either, especially if it takes away from me actually spending time with and interacting with her--i.e., being a good, or a "good enough," parent.

And I don't think spending years in therapy indicates an obsession with therapy or oneself necessarily--some people just need more help than others (like with a trauma history or bad anxiety disorder or chronic major depression, etc.) or just find regular therapy sessions help them to be more functional in their daily lives, like Anne mentioned.

I never have if something happens and I dont see a T then it just moves to the next T I am with. I only see females because I dont like men. I have seen men on a couple of occasions but typically I dont. I find them uncaring. My mom was was emotionally abusive so I had always been looking for a good mother figure and it hasnt changed so I look for that in Ts. I always get dissapointed because they dont want mother a 42 year old woman.