Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Thanks for hugs... Have a nice holiday. I love you
I know you won't tell me you love me

I still feel numb and detached. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe I was overreacting and I'm over it now.

I think part of it is me reacting to the fact that I won't be seeing you for over a week, and then my insurance company moving me back to once a week. I feel abandoned even though that's stupid. Maybe that's why I'm acting out.

I'm okay... just made a bad choice to read a super triggering Wikipedia article on CSA

thank u una

I can't do this... why am I doing this

It will be day 3 of your new job. I hope you like it and you are happy. I wish so badly I could ask how it's going but I'm not allowed to. Such a simple thing.
I'll never understand this stuff. How banning someone and making them feel like a criminal somehow is useful.
I wish we could both just be people, you know, like we actually are. Sigh

I also hate knowing I'm part of your past now. Sure you may think of me sometime but your care has stopped
I'm just a part of the job you hated so much.

Well here goes, T. I don't know how to be with you.

gimmie dat book t!!!

Thank you. You're lovely.

Hey T,

I signed up for a 5k on the 29th of december.

And my brother offered to run with me, without me even asking.

Today would have been so f***ing unbearable without you.

Why is it so hard for people to wear another hat and see how much they are hurting somebody else by exploiting and humiliating them? Maybe they really want to hurt someone. Did anyone ever think of that?? Or is it too much to ask anybody to THINK ? I know I am at a loss and not expecting much of anything from you on this topic.

Dear T, can't wait to see you later today. Things as they are is both my theme and anti-theme for this week. I'm willing to say, whoa, these things are scary but in acknowledging that, they are not awful and they seem more manageable. Once fear of people and events kind of ruled my life. Not so much anymore. I took a deep breath twice this week and said to potential work, I cannot do this for two months. I decided I did not have to stress myself for someone else's timeline. I was willing to lose the work because I do not need the cash. I do need the time for purposes of stress but more importantly for my creativity. But I was surprised when apparently I am good enough to wait for. That was kind of shocking to me. I mean, I'll say the words out of my mouth and they live in my brain. I am good. But someone rattles around in there who seems to whisper something quite different, and I can catch her saying it, or I think she's saying it when I do very functional things like send out my invoices. I'll comment back, whatcha say? Then she disappears. It's so dumb, like I'm stalking myself inside my own head.

Ho hum. I don't feel so strong right now.

1-I felt like I wouldn't have enough time to reach the airport if I was supposed to leave on monday morning for a 10.35am flight gate closing at 10.05am. Normally the bus I take starts running from 5am but the day before Christmas it starts at 8. From which I'd have to take another connecting bus. Just the idea of all that and possibly missing my flight altogether created huge waves of anxiety. I feel dumb and stupid for picking the original flight that I did and wasting money to change it to sunday at 9.30pm.

2-I think I'll give up the idea of trying to do pharma on the 15th.
It sounds stupid- maybe others can just jump from one exam to another but I know I always need atleast 2-3 days just to recover from one exam.

3- 19 days, 21 hours, 11 minutes and 26 seconds. I think I'm just gonna keep unpdating my page for the entire duration your away. (Unreasonable part of me says seriously- what are you thinking?! Why do you need a two week holiday? )

Thank you for offering email contact though.

I love you. Even transference aside I do. You are a good and kind man.

What's even more sad than that is I don't even know who I'm addressing when I say this. Maybe no one at all. No one cares.

VariableNovember

I miss you. Please respond despite the late hour.
I need you.

I framed our last session photo together. It's on the wall. I wish you could see it. I hope you are happy. I've thought of you every day and I miss you like crazy. Although I know I'm far from your mind anymore