Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

toomanycats · Dec 20, 2018 at 03:21 PM

hi...

There is some young part of me that is panicking and just sobbing for you.
And other parts that are heaping loads of shame on that part for being this way.
I'm not sure what to say beyond that.
I wish I was in your office so I could cry in person and not just tell you about it in an email.
I wish I'd asked for a second hug..or a hug at the beginning of the session...or both.
I'm so scared that I'm losing you. I'm so scared of losing you. I'm so scared of being scared and not having you.

junkDNA · Dec 20, 2018 at 05:59 PM

I love u t have a nice Christmas

susannahsays · Dec 20, 2018 at 07:25 PM

Do you think I'm a good person? Because I'm not.

I don't want to channel my anger into helping people or whatever. That sounds pretty lame and would probably just piss me off more.

No. I want to hurt and destroy. Burn it all down. Inflict pain and fear. Let go of my self control, unleashing my fury until I burst into flames and disintegrate into ash.

DP_2017 · Dec 20, 2018 at 08:02 PM

Someone in line today bought a ton of your fav candy, it was so hard not to burst out sobbing. This is gonna be so difficult. why punish people who are happy to be in each others lives? Ugh....

toomanycats · Dec 20, 2018 at 09:07 PM

Possible trigger:

I want to hurt myself. For the first time in a long time. I am too ashamed to tell you.

LabRat27 · Dec 20, 2018 at 09:53 PM

I barely got any sleep last night so maybe I'm just super emotional and vulnerable right now

Possible trigger:

but right now I'm just imaging being wrapped in your arms and held and part of me really really wants that
I know it's absolutely out of the question and i would no longer trust you if you did that
I would probably angrily storm out of your office if you offered.

I would be too ashamed to admit this to you.
Have you been able to figure out that this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I talk about my intense longing to be comforted?

I wish you'd ask me if that's the kind of want I'm alluding to. That would normalize it in a way and I would be able to admit to it, albeit still with a great deal of shame. It would make it feel less taboo or like the idea is so shameful and disgusting that it would never even occur to you. That you would find the very notion horrifying or disgusting. That you would feel like I'd somehow done something wrong by even thinking it.

annielovesbacon · Dec 20, 2018 at 10:55 PM

You just have tomorrow and then it's Christmas break for you! I don't know if you'll be spending it with friends, family, alone, or what but I hope you have a lovely holiday.

LabRat27 · 01:29 AM

I'll bring in my journal and let you read the "things I desperately want to believe" list of compassionate statements towards/about myself.
I'm not going to read this one aloud though.
Part of it is shame. I'm not ready to say those words out loud. Writing them was scary enough. One step at a time.

But if I'm being honest, part of it is that I know you'll read it aloud. It always makes me curl up tighter and and squirm in discomfort. But I also want to hear you say those words. I want to hear it in your voice and see it on your face that you really do mean it. I want to hear you say it wasn't my fault again.

Edit: maybe I will tell you. I think I need to tell you. I need you to understand how much I want to get that reassurance from you that these things are okay to feel and believe. I want you to go first so that I can see that it's safe.
I know I shouldn't want that though. I don't know whether it would do more good or harm in the long run. I don't want to be dependant.
I want you to tell me it's okay, that it's something I'm allowed to have.

WarmFuzzySocks · Dec 21, 2018 at 04:46 AM

Today felt less like a partnership. I felt steered but I can’t say why exactly. My sense is something hidden, behind the curtain, something I can’t quite catch.

I said pretty directly: When it comes to what’s therapeutic for your client, for me, I should be involved in the conversation about what that is.

Did you hear me?

lucozader · Dec 21, 2018 at 05:40 AM

I dreamt that the house next door to the house I grew up in had been set on fire by evil ghosts, and a bunch of my friends were trapped in it, and I had a gun and I knew I was going to shoot one of my friends even though I desperately didn't want to, because it had been some kind of prophecy, and I was terrified. Then I woke up with a pounding migraine. Now I am at work.

P.S. you're lovely and I miss you.

junkDNA · Dec 21, 2018 at 06:27 AM

well my mom tore her other rotator cuff... I'm at her house now. to help her. she's falling apart it seems. what will I do when she dies? I'll have no one... no parents... will u be there for me?

junkDNA · Dec 21, 2018 at 10:03 AM

nah.......... f it

captgut · Dec 21, 2018 at 11:36 AM

Why people hate me
Well I deserve it

88Butterfly88 · Dec 21, 2018 at 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by captgut

Why people hate me
Well I deserve it

You don't deserve hate.

SlumberKitty · Dec 21, 2018 at 12:16 PM

Dear Former T: I miss you more right now as it is almost Christmas and this is my first Christmas without you. I'm also mad at you because I realize that I miss you more than you miss me and not having you in my life affects me far more than you not having me in your life. I know being mad is ridiculous. Usually I don't get mad. But I am mad. I wish there wasn't this power imbalance in therapy (but I realize it has to be there). I wish I could just see you. I wish you hadn't gotten sick.
Dear Tony the Tiger T: honestly, I don't know any more about you now than I did when I first started seeing you. I doubt you think about me in between sessions. I guess that's okay. I don't think about you nearly as much as I do former T. I kind of wish I could see you before Christmas but what would be the point? You can't take away the pain I'm in. You can't do anything to help me. Kit.

Merope · Dec 21, 2018 at 12:19 PM

My anxiety feels like I have poisonous ants crawling all over my body. You mentioned the end of therapy and I lost touch with reality. You didn't even mean it in the sense that it's ending soon...you just said that it will end when im ready. But now I'm overthinking and feel like im about to lose you. Which logically I know I'm not. You said thank you to me yesterday, but I'm the one who should be thanking you.

junkDNA · Dec 21, 2018 at 01:49 PM

man I wish u were available 24/7

........like u used to be

winterblues17 · Dec 21, 2018 at 02:38 PM

Tough love or a lack of compassion... jury is out on that!
If you wanting me to hate you, it's not possible.

toomanycats · Dec 21, 2018 at 03:04 PM

I emailed you in agony. Like a level of agony I haven't experienced in a year. You haven't responded.

I know our deal. I know you don't like to respond to things until you've had time to think and process. I need you to stop thinking and processing. I need you to respond. Because your lack of response is just serving as proof that I AM losing you - or at least losing your interest. The longer I go without a response, the more shame I feel. The more alone I feel. The more fecking awful I feel.

Echos Myron redux · Dec 21, 2018 at 03:48 PM

I miss you. First pang of missing you. 12 days till I see you.

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Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

My Support Forums

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Dec 20, 2018 at 05:59 PM #262 I love u t have a nice Christmas __________________

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Dec 20, 2018 at 07:25 PM #263 Do you think I'm a good person? Because I'm not. I don't want to channel my anger into helping people or whatever. That sounds pretty lame and would probably just piss me off more. No. I want to hurt and destroy. Burn it all down. Inflict pain and fear. Let go of my self control, unleashing my fury until I burst into flames and disintegrate into ash.

DP_2017 Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2017 Location: A house Posts: 4,412 6 665 hugs given	Dec 20, 2018 at 08:02 PM #264 Someone in line today bought a ton of your fav candy, it was so hard not to burst out sobbing. This is gonna be so difficult. why punish people who are happy to be in each others lives? Ugh.... __________________ Grief is the price you pay for love.

toomanycats Grand Poohbah Member Since May 2017 Location: USA Posts: 1,734 6 542 hugs given	Dec 20, 2018 at 09:07 PM #265 Possible trigger: I want to hurt myself. For the first time in a long time. I am too ashamed to tell you.

annielovesbacon Grand Poohbah Member Since Apr 2016 Location: USA Posts: 1,527 8 1,271 hugs given	Dec 20, 2018 at 10:55 PM #267 You just have tomorrow and then it's Christmas break for you! I don't know if you'll be spending it with friends, family, alone, or what but I hope you have a lovely holiday. __________________ stay afraid, but do it anyway.

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Dec 21, 2018 at 06:27 AM #271 well my mom tore her other rotator cuff... I'm at her house now. to help her. she's falling apart it seems. what will I do when she dies? I'll have no one... no parents... will u be there for me? __________________

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Dec 21, 2018 at 10:03 AM #272 nah.......... f it __________________

captgut Grand Poohbah Member Since Jan 2017 Location: Here Posts: 1,731 7 1,505 hugs given	Dec 21, 2018 at 11:36 AM #273 Why people hate me Well I deserve it

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Dec 21, 2018 at 01:49 PM #277 man I wish u were available 24/7 ........like u used to be __________________

winterblues17 Member Member Since Nov 2017 Location: UK Posts: 379 6 62 hugs given	Dec 21, 2018 at 02:38 PM #278 Tough love or a lack of compassion... jury is out on that! If you wanting me to hate you, it's not possible.

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,160 6 1,833 hugs given	Dec 21, 2018 at 03:48 PM #280 I miss you. First pang of missing you. 12 days till I see you.