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Old 01-10-2019, 10:51 PM   #911
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I am going to ask you AGAIN on Tuesday for twice a week until the end of Feb. thatís six weeks. Surely you can do that?
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Old 01-10-2019, 11:23 PM   #912
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Thanks for saying you care about me. I know the full context was "I care about you just like I care about all of my clients" but I don't mind, I don't need to feel special. It feels good enough just to be cared for
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Old 01-10-2019, 11:52 PM   #913
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I think we're stuck. I can't trust your reassurances that I'm not bad for having these wants/desires when you don't actually know the specifics, but I can't bring myself to tell you the specifics.
I can't make the words "being held and comforted" come out of my mouth. I can't write them with the intent for you to read them. ****.
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Old 01-11-2019, 12:16 AM   #914
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Just because I havenít done anything in nine months doesnít mean I donít think about it every single day. I wish you knew how much I really hurt.
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Old 01-11-2019, 12:17 AM   #915
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Okay, I might be able to have you read this

A long time ago I couldn't tell anyone how much I was struggling. How depressed I was, how much I hated myself, how much I wanted to die... I didn't want to worry people, and I didn't want anyone to intervene.
To cope with this feeling of being alone in this I compensated with fantasy. I played out scenarios in my head of like someone finding out how bad it really was and caring and wanting to be there for me. Someone finding out about my self harm or that I was starving myself and being shocked and upset by it and telling me I didn't deserve the stuff I was doing to myself.
I would play these scenarios out in my head to fall asleep.
You asked me if I knew what it would look like. Part of the reason I feel so disgusting is that not only do I know what it would look like, I've spent countless hours of my life fantasizing about it.

God I would rather die than admit this. Being hugged and held. Having someone put their arms around me and feeling safe and cared about and accepted. But, once again, in a child way, not an adult or romantic way.
But I feel disgusting and like no one should be able to even look at me, let alone touch me. I feel dirty for letting myself think about it. I feel unworthy and undeserving.
It's different than sex or something. In that situation the motivations are very different and these feelings don't really apply. Ironically, I don't feel shame or guilt or disgust about that.
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Old 01-11-2019, 01:25 AM   #916
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Thank you for not letting me slink out at the end of group and making me feel valued and acknowledged. Nice people, just a quagmire of awkwardness at the end. Had to get away. But you reeled me back in. I swear, only for you!!
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Old 01-11-2019, 06:35 AM   #917
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Dear T, I can't call u exT yet... I'm really hurt and lost, I want u back and I want u to make it better and make me ok!
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Old 01-11-2019, 06:35 AM   #918
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

It's only been 3 days, how can I make lifetime
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Old 01-11-2019, 06:36 AM   #919
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemoncake View Post
[trigger]
Sorry Anastasia, I wasn't saying your post needed a trigger. I was up too early as I couldn't sleep, then decided to get rid of my post.
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Old 01-11-2019, 07:13 AM   #920
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Dear T,
Thanks for reassuring me that the thing I'd been concerned about with you since reading that article isn't going to happen. And offering to talk more about it later if I wanted. I don't think I realized how much I was concerned about it until I started sharing it at the end of session. But you have put those fears to rest (of course, now I'll likely come up with some other fear to replace it, knowing me...)
Love,
LT

Last edited by LonesomeTonight; 01-11-2019 at 08:57 AM..
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