Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Can't wait to see you on Tuesday, after a whole month without seeing you.Got so much to talk about.

Can you please talk to the parts that show up today in the way they need and not as if they are me (adult me)?

I wonder if this is part of the issue.

Your reply to my email was ****ing ****. I lost my baby, you have no ****ing idea how much I’m hurting. You don’t give a ****! Back to your own happy world....

Dear Dr. B~~I miss you. You're here, but I don't feel your presence now. I told you I wasn't ready for you to be gone through two appts., three weeks total, but we didn't discuss what I was feeling or why. You just left me and came back not understanding why I told you I'd come to therapy on a weekly basis - no long-term commitment; that if seeing you was too painful, I would call and tell you I wouldn't be back...no termination period.

You let go of me.

Trigger Warning **************************












I DESPISE myself, I have NO Idea what is wrong with me. I am trying to get better, am making progress, however, I am unable to be mindful enough to ****ing stop myself. I am NOT doing this for attention. I ****ing hate whatever is happening to me. This ego state seems like a master of disguise, as to me, when I say things it seems like I am just saying things with no bad intentions. However, I sometime leave and realize my ****ed upedness. I DESPISE this part of me. I am trying so hard to try to understand what is going but I don't know. IF I knew and understood, I would be much better to maybe control it.

Here is my dream from last night, I rarely remember my dreams and it is even more rare when I share them because I don't know what it means. I had my hand on a pillow next to me (in reality and in my dream) and was sleeping. All of a sudden, a crab walked on my pillow and pinched me.

I am trying to gather all of the resources within me to make it through all of this, and I am failing miserably. At the time I really thought it was Tuesday. I had to leave quickly because I had to drive to get something to eat and go to school for a school function. I am so ashamed of who I am.

Anger is warranted towards me, so feel free. Feel free to reject me. I don't deserve to be around humans. Because I'm not one. I don't understand.

[trigger]

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Dear T,

Thank you for responding. I am in so much agony. I don't know if anything I think is real, which horrifies me. I wish that I could see another therapist for one or two sessions.

My adult part - refuses to let you in on anything, refuses to tell you anything. It is protecting you, or trying to. It believes that the only way is to terminate with you. It is trying so diligently to be mindful, and I don't get this, but I just can't help it. My horribleness has a mind of its own. I don't understand.


My child part - this part is causing me so much pain. It is horrified of the following: abandonment by you, intense anger by you. This is nothing new. same dependency things.

Horrible part - horribleness that is intrusive, massive, negative, I really don't know what else to say. Is this really happening to me?

hi t. i had a bad day today, and yet again, didn't do yoga this evening. not that you know i am trying to do yoga at home. i was very irritable and wanted to run away from the children, and also at our weekly meeting, my fears came true. ugh.

Today has been terrible, I wish I could text you something funny... I wish I was still good enough

I am grounded now and am able to see different perspectives. I am seriously contemplating taking off until after we go on vacation. I need to somehow collect myself and stop focusing on myself. This means I would start again on Feb. 6th, Wed., I think it is. I told my general practitioner about my issue with memory (especially thinking it was Tuesday and that I see you tomorrow) Unfortunately, even in my grounded state, I can say that this horrible part of me is, in fact, real. Thus far, I have been unable to ascertain whether this if real, or a delusion. I generally am not psychotic (in my opinion). Something physical might be going on. I hope I feel this strong tomorrow, but really, I have no idea. I just don't make sense. I don't understand and would like to. In any event, at this moment, I think taking a vacation from therapy is a good idea. I reserve the right to change my mind. Thank you for your support. This is all just confusing. Hope all is well.

I am going to ask you AGAIN on Tuesday for twice a week until the end of Feb. that’s six weeks. Surely you can do that?

Thanks for saying you care about me. I know the full context was "I care about you just like I care about all of my clients" but I don't mind, I don't need to feel special. It feels good enough just to be cared for

I think we're stuck. I can't trust your reassurances that I'm not bad for having these wants/desires when you don't actually know the specifics, but I can't bring myself to tell you the specifics.
I can't make the words "being held and comforted" come out of my mouth. I can't write them with the intent for you to read them. ****.

Just because I haven’t done anything in nine months doesn’t mean I don’t think about it every single day. I wish you knew how much I really hurt.

Okay, I might be able to have you read this

A long time ago I couldn't tell anyone how much I was struggling. How depressed I was, how much I hated myself, how much I wanted to die... I didn't want to worry people, and I didn't want anyone to intervene.
To cope with this feeling of being alone in this I compensated with fantasy. I played out scenarios in my head of like someone finding out how bad it really was and caring and wanting to be there for me. Someone finding out about my self harm or that I was starving myself and being shocked and upset by it and telling me I didn't deserve the stuff I was doing to myself.
I would play these scenarios out in my head to fall asleep.
You asked me if I knew what it would look like. Part of the reason I feel so disgusting is that not only do I know what it would look like, I've spent countless hours of my life fantasizing about it.

God I would rather die than admit this. Being hugged and held. Having someone put their arms around me and feeling safe and cared about and accepted. But, once again, in a child way, not an adult or romantic way.
But I feel disgusting and like no one should be able to even look at me, let alone touch me. I feel dirty for letting myself think about it. I feel unworthy and undeserving.
It's different than sex or something. In that situation the motivations are very different and these feelings don't really apply. Ironically, I don't feel shame or guilt or disgust about that.

Thank you for not letting me slink out at the end of group and making me feel valued and acknowledged. Nice people, just a quagmire of awkwardness at the end. Had to get away. But you reeled me back in. I swear, only for you!!

Dear T, I can't call u exT yet... I'm really hurt and lost, I want u back and I want u to make it better and make me ok!

It's only been 3 days, how can I make lifetime

Sorry Anastasia, I wasn't saying your post needed a trigger. I was up too early as I couldn't sleep, then decided to get rid of my post.

Dear T,
Thanks for reassuring me that the thing I'd been concerned about with you since reading that article isn't going to happen. And offering to talk more about it later if I wanted. I don't think I realized how much I was concerned about it until I started sharing it at the end of session. But you have put those fears to rest (of course, now I'll likely come up with some other fear to replace it, knowing me...)
Love,
LT