Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Echos Myron redux · Jan 11, 2019 at 10:17 AM

I've decided that every time I feel a pang of missing you, I will remember my younger self, and the sadness she carried, and acknowledge that this sadness is for her. And it's okay.

Lemoncake · Jan 11, 2019 at 10:29 AM

I don't feel well at all just burnt out and low.

The other T I emailed replied, saying he could do thursday.

susannahsays · Jan 11, 2019 at 10:52 AM

I feel betrayed by you when you ask C if you should stop talking to me. Who the **** made her lord and master?

Anastasia~ · Jan 11, 2019 at 01:07 PM

My adult wants to distance from you from my horribleness.
My child part is horrified. My horribleness is a master in disguise and it hijacks me even when I am trying to be mindful. I am in complete chaos. Is this just me wanting attention or seeking intensity? I don't think so because otherwise I wouldn't feel so fragmented and afraid. Is this real? This is so devastating to me to figure out that this is a part of me. I can't get away from me. I don't know if I am delusional. I don't know what to do. I am so ****ing confused. I am such a disappointment to me. I do not know what to do.

junkDNA · Jan 11, 2019 at 02:17 PM

omigosh u just came in the store with baby t and baby t smiled at meeeeeeeeee

so cute

junkDNA · Jan 11, 2019 at 02:17 PM

and you introduced us!!!!!

piggy momma · Jan 11, 2019 at 02:32 PM

When you sent me that email saying not to take your class because you’re tired of my drama, that hurt a LOT. I’m glad we got past it, but it hurt. I don’t even want to live right now and I can’t tell you how much I’m hurting.

SlumberKitty · Jan 11, 2019 at 02:46 PM

Dear T, seven days to go...Kit

LabRat27 · Jan 11, 2019 at 02:49 PM

When we talk about this, do you remember that I mean you?
What I'm telling you implies that I literally fantasize about being held by you.
How could you not feel violated by that? How could you not be absolutely disgusted?

Lemoncake · Jan 11, 2019 at 04:43 PM

You asked me why I was rushing with my exams and trying to take them all early and in January.

The answer is you. If I'm done by the end of this month I can have around 2 weeks off before second semester starts. I just want to be around you. I want to see you in real life instead of just up on screen.

I know all of this isn't really about you, but all of this hurts, the pining and longing for you seems so cruel...

I don't know if I'm making a mistake arranging to see another T, but I don't see myself getting over this any time soon.

Nick drake said it best "oh so weak in this need for you".

junkDNA · Jan 11, 2019 at 05:29 PM

1.5 hours left of working 7 days straight... cannot wait to get a couple days off

SlumberKitty · Jan 11, 2019 at 05:42 PM

@ JunkDNA, working 7 days straight sucks. I hope you have a couple of really good days off. Kit

Echos Myron redux · Jan 11, 2019 at 06:51 PM

Hi T. I'm not going to email you this week. I promise.

LabRat27 · Jan 11, 2019 at 09:00 PM

Why are jou late? ...
It's only like a minute, but I don't like it...

circlesincircles · Jan 11, 2019 at 10:35 PM

I'm out of sorts, for no discernable reason. I wish you could help me with that.

circlesincircles · Jan 11, 2019 at 10:38 PM

Also, I miss you and don't want to have to wait another week to see you.

LabRat27 · Jan 11, 2019 at 10:40 PM

"Worse than average" was literally all I was asking for and you couldn't even give me that. I thought that was safe to ask.
If I had an average childhood and ended up like this then it really was my own ****ing fault for being so weak.

velcro003 · Jan 11, 2019 at 11:08 PM

labrat....been following your posts, and disagree with your T

LabRat27 · Jan 11, 2019 at 11:14 PM

Possible trigger:

Rationally objectively I think you should have been able to confidently say yes, it was worse than average.

You acknowledged the selection bias in the childhoods you hear about.

But even then you should be able to say that a child spending years of their life being terrorized by a parent on a daily basis is not average.
Average childhoods do not involve constant overwhelming feelings of powerlessness. Average childhoods do not involve being your mother's sole confidante at ten years old. Average childhoods do not involve feeling absolutely completely totally alone. Average childhoods do not involve 5 year long divorces or professionals who side with the abuser and force the child to go back week after week. Average childhoods do not involve being begged by your sibling to spend more time at your abuser's house because he's nicer when you're around (because your abuser had finally given up trying to control you by force and was now trying a new tactic). Average childhoods involve some degree of praise from a parental figure. Average childhoods do not involve hiding anything you're proud of from your parents because you know they'll only have criticism.

Are you really saying you can't say whether that's even worse than average?
I know you think it shouldn't matter but it matters to me.

LabRat27 · 11:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by velcro003

labrat....been following your posts, and disagree with your T

He didn't say it was better than average, he just said he couldn't say it was worse than average because he doesn't really have a frame of reference because the people he sees probably tend to be people who had worse childhoods than average
(Which, extrapolating, means it definitely wasn't worse than average compared to the rest of his patients. Which I could have already guessed.)

In his defense, objectively it wasn't that bad. Like nothing really awful happened and any "abuse" was fairly mild as abuse goes.

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Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

My Support Forums

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,157 6 1,833 hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 10:17 AM #921 I've decided that every time I feel a pang of missing you, I will remember my younger self, and the sadness she carried, and acknowledge that this sadness is for her. And it's okay.

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,687 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 10:29 AM #922 I don't feel well at all just burnt out and low. The other T I emailed replied, saying he could do thursday. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 10:52 AM #923 I feel betrayed by you when you ask C if you should stop talking to me. Who the **** made her lord and master?

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 02:17 PM #925 omigosh u just came in the store with baby t and baby t smiled at meeeeeeeeee so cute __________________

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 02:17 PM #926 and you introduced us!!!!! __________________

piggy momma Poohbah Member Since Oct 2018 Location: Canada Posts: 1,073 5 70 hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 02:32 PM #927 When you sent me that email saying not to take your class because you’re tired of my drama, that hurt a LOT. I’m glad we got past it, but it hurt. I don’t even want to live right now and I can’t tell you how much I’m hurting.

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 02:46 PM #928 Dear T, seven days to go...Kit

LabRat27 Poohbah Member Since Mar 2018 Location: CA Posts: 1,009 6 2,354 hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 02:49 PM #929 When we talk about this, do you remember that I mean you? What I'm telling you implies that I literally fantasize about being held by you. How could you not feel violated by that? How could you not be absolutely disgusted?

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 05:29 PM #931 1.5 hours left of working 7 days straight... cannot wait to get a couple days off __________________

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 05:42 PM #932 @ JunkDNA, working 7 days straight sucks. I hope you have a couple of really good days off. Kit

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,157 6 1,833 hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 06:51 PM #933 Hi T. I'm not going to email you this week. I promise.

LabRat27 Poohbah Member Since Mar 2018 Location: CA Posts: 1,009 6 2,354 hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 09:00 PM #934 Why are jou late? ... It's only like a minute, but I don't like it...

circlesincircles Member Member Since May 2018 Location: United States Posts: 303 5	Jan 11, 2019 at 10:35 PM #935 I'm out of sorts, for no discernable reason. I wish you could help me with that.

circlesincircles Member Member Since May 2018 Location: United States Posts: 303 5	Jan 11, 2019 at 10:38 PM #936 Also, I miss you and don't want to have to wait another week to see you.

LabRat27 Poohbah Member Since Mar 2018 Location: CA Posts: 1,009 6 2,354 hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 10:40 PM #937 "Worse than average" was literally all I was asking for and you couldn't even give me that. I thought that was safe to ask. If I had an average childhood and ended up like this then it really was my own ****ing fault for being so weak.

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Jan 11, 2019 at 11:08 PM #938 labrat....been following your posts, and disagree with your T