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RaineD
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 01:22 PM
  #41
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Originally Posted by nottrustin View Post
Not sure what possessed me to do it but I was in the general area of your office at our appointment time. So I went out of my way to drive over. I dont know what I was expecting but it it was so sad. There building was completely dark and no cars to be found. That never happened when we were meeting there. It was so sad. I wanted to park in my typical spot but I couldn't. It felt so creepy and painful. I wanted to cry but I just couldn't allow it. I know that use to drive you crazy. But I have cries so much since losing you. I will allow the feelings but not the tears. The emotions are a huge step for me, right.
I've gone by my T's office twice since he passed. Cried in the hallway.

The thing is, I imagined doing that over and over again while he was still alive. Always knowing one day I would lose him.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 01:28 PM
  #42
Did you send that ladybug? (A ladybug showed up in my office this morning. I don't even know how it got inside!)

It scared me for a second. I'm afraid of bugs, and at first I thought it was a wasp. I didn't realize they had such big wings. The wings are normally folded inside, I guess.

But as soon as I saw that it was a ladybug, I knew it was from you.

Are you letting me know you like the flowers? Are you telling me you're still with me?

Lately, I have been feeling like I'm losing you. I don't feel your presence as much as I used to. And that scares me. That scares me more than anything else.

So thank you for sending me a sign. I love you so much.

P.S. I took the ladybug outside because I didn't think it could survive inside my office. There is no food here. I don't know what ladybugs eat, but it's probably not paper. Paper is all I have here. And I was also afraid I'd accidentally crush it beneath a pile of paper. It was a very friendly ladybug. Perched on my finger as I took it outside.

I kinda wished I could keep it as a pet, but it would probably just die. So I set it free.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 02:25 PM
  #43
I'm doing things ,taking care of everything. I don't want to but I guess this is my life now. I think next session will be easy
You won't push to hard this close to the holidays.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 02:30 PM
  #44
I'm sorry I emailed, I'm such an idiot. Thankfully you can have me out of your life very soon.

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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 02:31 PM
  #45
If I could do things over again, I would do them differently. I would try harder. I would buy you flowers more often. It would get to the point where you'd tell me to stop and you would ask me why I was doing that. I'd have to tell you I had this dream where you died, and in the dream I regretted not buying you flowers all the time while you were alive. And you wouldn't understand because wtf. But you would have to be where I am now to understand.

I've always felt such a compulsion to buy you flowers. It started very early in our relationship. I didn't act on it for almost a whole year. I can be a real coward at times.

Now, in retrospect, I wonder why I felt such a compulsion. A friend of mine laughed at me for obsessively wanting to buy my male therapist flowers. But I think it was a memory. If we meet again in the next life, I'll want to buy you flowers again. And, again, I wouldn't know why. But hopefully next time I'll act on it more quickly.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 03:10 PM
  #46
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Originally Posted by RaineD View Post
If I could do things over again, I would do them differently. I would try harder. I would buy you flowers more often. It would get to the point where you'd tell me to stop and you would ask me why I was doing that. I'd have to tell you I had this dream where you died, and in the dream I regretted not buying you flowers all the time while you were alive. And you wouldn't understand because wtf. But you would have to be where I am now to understand.

I've always felt such a compulsion to buy you flowers. It started very early in our relationship. I didn't act on it for almost a whole year. I can be a real coward at times.

Now, in retrospect, I wonder why I felt such a compulsion. A friend of mine laughed at me for obsessively wanting to buy my male therapist flowers. But I think it was a memory. If we meet again in the next life, I'll want to buy you flowers again. And, again, I wouldn't know why. But hopefully next time I'll act on it more quickly.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't really imagine your pain. This post really got to me- my T likes flowers too and kept a white rose plant but I've never sent him any but I think I will in June for father's day .

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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 03:37 PM
  #47
Dear T. I really want to tell you about the crappy thing my friend did to me. Usually I can brush this stuff off but this time it's not letting go. I feel so let down. And I feel down. Depressed. Do you even care? Kit.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 05:00 PM
  #48
T,
You pushed me too hard today. You could see, even commented on, that I was very uncomfortable. Yet you still kept going...why? Why did anything that happened today in session happen the way it did? I came in really down and I left feeling even worse. I needed you today, and you failed me. And I’ll never tell you this, but I feel like you’ve been failing me a lot, lately. I don’t know if we’re the right fit. Or maybe it’s just because I’m trying so hard to push you away. Maybe this is my fault. The point is, I don’t have a connection with you. I really do think that’s on me, though, because of how badly it hurt when S left for her new job, and now my subconscious will just not let me feel connected to you. And I know that we had to end session because we were out of time, but that led to a lot of feelings of abandonment for me, and I self-harmed as soon as I got to my car. I won’t tell you that, because I know you won’t pay attention to it, so as not to feed the behavior. But, my self-harm right now is honestly a cry for help. You always answer my emails, and today you didn’t. I don’t think that you realize how much that hurts me. I need something more from you, and I don’t know what that something is exactly, but I need you to help me figure that out. I just need you to HELP ME. PLEASE.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 05:59 PM
  #49
Possible trigger:
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 07:54 PM
  #50
your response seemed distracted...hurried. I know you sent it like that so I wouldn't be kept waiting, but...it made me feel more alone.

I'll just be over here in my fantasy world. forever.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 08:07 PM
  #51
Are you sure I'm not faking everything or overreacting or being melodramatic?
How can you be sure?
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 08:27 PM
  #52
Dear T,
Of course I waited to bring up the therapeutic relationship stuff until we had like 10 minutes left...thanks for talking about it for closer to 20 minutes. I think you got it by the end--my puzzle analogy helped. At least it felt like you understood why the stuff about your son bothered me--and that's really what I needed.
Love,
LT

PS: I'm still wondering if you said what it sounded like you said when we were chatting about the Christmas car commercials. I'm sure I just misheard...
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 08:50 PM
  #53
I'm so confused. I know I am a bit paranoid, with me feeling oppressed at work, and you said you would still be here if I took off from work. This is an old wound not of your making. In no way am I blaming you but I need to say how I feel. When I "feel" as if I am under assault at work, it is devastating to tell other people about how I feel and have nobody want me to escape that. I don't need to escape, I think I just need to feel validated. I need for people to realize that even though this may not be real, or as real to the extent I think it is, that how I feel is valid. And I need my need to be self-protective to be reinforced somehow. It is like an unsolvable problem. The thing is, I get so stressed out, that I end up taking off time and being late. I know, it's not good, but me having this is no walk in the park either. I'm living in some kind of hell and nobody knows. I don't know what has caused all of this, maybe me. Maybe not. I need you to help me with this because I desperately need to feel safe again. When I was asking if you would be willing to write a note if I needed, it felt like you didn't want to answer. The intellectual me understands, but the emotional part of me is desperate to escape this horror and "it feels" like nobody cares. I realize that this is me, but this is how I feel and I don't know how else to express it. I feel like nobody is ever going to understand. Please help me.

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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 09:05 PM
  #54
T-well today went in a direction i wasn't expecting. i sort of agree with you, though.
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 09:13 PM
  #55
Dear ex-MC,
Maybe you aren't going to write back. OK.
LT
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 09:19 PM
  #56
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Dear ex-MC,
Maybe you aren't going to write back. OK.
LT
Did you contact hin?

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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 09:26 PM
  #57
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Did you contact hin?

Yeah, I sent him an email Sunday evening, some stuff about it being the anniversary of our big rupture, saying how it was still affecting me. Well, more than that, but it was the main point. He's responded to other emails I've sent him since termination in early April (maybe 5 emails total, one was just asking for referral, the others more personal). But not sure now if he'll reply to this one. Which is understandable. And I'm sure he wouldn't give me what I'm looking for (true apology, accepting responsibility) anyway.

Last edited by LonesomeTonight; Dec 11, 2018 at 09:52 PM..
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Default Dec 11, 2018 at 09:40 PM
  #58
I need a new therapist.
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Default Dec 12, 2018 at 02:24 AM
  #59
It would be really helpful to have an extra session this week and next since we won't have any during the week of Christmas and only 2 the week after. But I won't ask because I already feel too needy with how often I'm seeing you already.
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Default Dec 12, 2018 at 02:34 AM
  #60
T,

I am so ashamed that I long so badly for a substitute parent. I'm an adult, too old to be adopted. My own parents don't genuinely love me. No one will love me in the parental way I crave.
 
 
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