Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

there's lots of drama at work. it's increasing my paranoia. I spin stories in my mind.. completely made up... but yet treat them as facts. I guess that's the nature of paranoia and delusions tho...

I kinda wish I had asked you if I could possibly have an extra session today.

Ho hum the joys of anxiety.

P.s Thanks for not freaking out with all the (almost) father's day talk.

Thanks for being you again.

At first I didnt text back because I was mad. I didnt know what to say in that state plus you didnt ask a question
Just texted you were sick and cancelling and that was that.

Today you texted again with the same message but asking if you will see me next week. I will respond to say I received it but will you see me? No clue. I'm still livid and I never know what to do with that feeling but hide until it goes away.

This is totally not the most pressing issue, but a conversation about something else got me thinking and I think another part of the reason it bothers me that you thought it was ET is that I have had medical and mental health professionals make inappropriate sexual comments or flirt with me or just be creepy and it makes me feel violated. And I've been told by professionals and others that I'm so "beautiful"/"attractive"/whatever as if they think my issues are because I think I'm ugly and that if I thought I was pretty the problem would be solved. Even when it's not in a creepy way it still feels patronizing.
I've never gotten that impression from you and I trust you.
But I don't like people bringing romantic or sexual stuff into my mental health issues when it isn't there. Yeah, I don't think I'm attractive, but not being involved in romantic relationships is by choice. People confessing their unrequited romantic interest in me is something that has happened enough times to have become a running joke with a few friends.
Just because I'm a 23 year old woman doesn't mean my issues are because I think I couldn't find a romantic partner.
I don't know how to talk to you about this without sounding arrogant and conceited though.
And I know you somewhat pathologize my complete disinterest in romantic relationships. I don't know whether it actually has anything to do with my "trauma." I don't think it does, but I'm not naive enough to say it's impossible. Either way, even if it is, it's a secondary effect, not a primary concern that I want to address directly. I really am completely content with having intimate platonic relationships and a cat. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

Dear T,
I held Stone 2.0 for a bit earlier when I was feeling especially sad (after the effects of the long walk wore off). It helped. I won't tell you, but at this point in our relationship, I honestly feel like you'd be OK with it and glad it helped.
Love,
LT

I feel free. I feel free from worry and negativity right now. This session went well, I didn't expect to feel so good afterward. Sometimes I get worried, and I did momentarily but then was able to combat that.

Regarding the man I told you I got an autograph from on the I.D. channel -- the reason I really like him is because he has a characteristic of his personality that I would love to have. He is very self-assured but in no way is he narcissistic. He is very confident in his ability to do his job and it appears as if he has no doubt about it. That's what I want. I want to be that confident but as of yet am unable to do so. I am happy with my scores, and plan to do more with the lower students. I really want to believe in myself instead of self-hatred. Today, I was reading my top scores out to someone else, and afterwards I wondered if they thought I was bragging, even though I wasn't. I want to be confident without being arrogant. I also would have loved to be a detective. Such is life

Thank you for your support. As always, I appreciate you tons!

me

I wish they would fix the gratuitous paragraph spacing.

The final session obviously go down the path either of us wanted, I'm feeling guilty over the that cos I truly love you and appreciate the past with you, but like i said, it was never gonna end well because it wasn't the right time to end!

To know that I will never see u again or hear from u, no email in my inbox, nothing is literally ruining me. I know I shouldn't have emailed u and u made it clear the end was the end, but that wasn't the plan or the way we agreed to end this..

So yes I emailed when perhaps I shouldn't, yes it was long, but no I don't regret it! I needed to say these things because I can't face regret of unsaid ontop of losing u..

So with that I'm sorry and I will always love u, u were my rock!

The "therapeutic relationship" is an actual farse. How can you want a career KNOWING you have to pretend to care and all that jazz and how can you just walk away from someone you allegedly care for like it's meaningless... do you have a heart? I am glad you were there when I needed you but I wish we met any other way, therapy is a joke and I'd never do it again even if someone paid me. Hopefully you are happy at your new career. I think about that all the time.

Oh and all the things I was "super excited" about going into this year, have backfired, you never believed my luck was terrible but it is. I hope in 2 years you prove that sometimes good things can happen for me... but I legit have basically 0% hope for that.

Why haven't you texted me yet? You said you were talking to them at 2:30. You usually have a 3pm session, right? Did you not have time in between, or do you not have a 3pm and you've been on the phone with the insurance company for almost an hour?
Text me. Please. I'm going to a seminar in 40 minutes and I want to find out before then.

Thank you. See you Friday.

P.S. What did you tell them? What did you say that made them approve it? How do you describe how things are going in your words? I don't know what your perception of all of this is.

See you tomorrow. I am not sure how much sense I am going to make, because there's a lot that needs to be said. I think it's important that I read the piece I wrote, and maybe even the new poem. Need to talk about the forthcoming...milestone.

I still feel fine, which is progress. I told you during the last week, that I have been able to ground myself when I am anxious. I think that all of your consistency in responding to me in and out of session has worked. Clearly I am getting better, and it feels so calm, I don't miss the intensity. If I do, I can always watch a show or movie.


I am ready to stop going twice a week. I am not ready to quit. You told me that you've never gotten rid of anyone due to being in therapy too long. But that doesn't mean you can't give hints. Even if you don't actually tell me to leave, which I hope you don't, please don't say things that hint at anything having to do with me leaving. Right now that would cause me too much fear.

I'm having a hard time finding the words. But that's nothing new.

I really want a session tomorrow. Please don’t make me wait until Tuesday. That’s nine days between sessions which is about eight days too long.

I was thinking about all of the times I’ve come to a session with a story from my daily life, and I suddenly wondered: Don’t you get bored?

You’re a couples and family therapist. Surely you hear “And then he said...And I said...” all day long. I’m sure my stories can’t be all that unique. Isn’t it tiresome, day after day?

Then I thought: That’s not my real question. It’s not really a question. I’m the one who’s...not bored, but weary. Dealing with impulsivity and irrational responses and lurking anger have become a humdrum part of the daily grind. Tiresome.

At least I’m not afraid of it any more. (Oh! Duh. I’ve let that go. Yay me?)
But now what?

It's time for you to come back already. Esp as I'm going to spend the first few sessions being like hey I don't need you, who are you again?

I miss you. I wish I could talk to you and share my news with you. I wish I could see you and put my arms around you. I need reassurance. I don't know if I made the right choice.

Reading another thread here, I was reminded of this one time when I was trying to explain to you that I wish we did a different type of therapy. You thought I was trying to tell you that I wanted to terminate, and you said something like, "if you want to terminate, if that's what this is about, then that's fine." And you were visibly upset. I was secretly pleased that you seemed upset, but of course I wasn't thinking about termination. I quickly told you so, and you relaxed. But the rest of our conversation went nowhere because of course you weren't going to change your theoretical orientation for me. But it was an important relational moment. You see, on some level, I always managed to get you to do relational work with me, even if only collaterally.

Hmmmm, I miss you. My heart hurts.

I miss you. I know it's only been a couple of days, but I'm really sad that it's over. I think I made the right decision. I like you, but it wasn't working anymore. And even at the end, you just didn't seem to understand why. I know you left the door open, but I don't think I'll be back. I'm really sad. Three years is a long time. But I'm glad we had one last good session. Thank you for that.