Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Another day, another night of hardly any sleep despite taking what I can to help with that, I've been up and already panicking and crying ever since.
How is quitting like that really meant to be for the best!
I wish I could hate you for making me feel worse than I've ever felt, but no I just want to see you and I want u to fix me, how is this helping?!

I knew you’d say no but it was worth a try. Tuesday it is I guess.

Can I please go back to two sessions a week?

Now I'm back to hating myself. It's as if a part of me can't stand me feeling okay, or good, or competent, or safe. Why can't I just be normal? I feel like I end up torturing myself and/or others. I don't think I qualify as a human. Am I okay, are you okay, are we okay?

I miss u so much after just 2 days it's ridiculous, none of my coping strategies are working, and I can't figure a way past this. I did what u wanted, I saw this other T, she was nice and kind and there for me, I think she's a good T... but u are my T!
I'm not sure how any of this is best for me, I'm not sure it was for my best that you changed the ending, I think it was mainly for you and that you couldn't deal with me.

You really didn't need to add that to my "I passed email" and I didn't refrain from sending a reply back just to irritate you. Technically it was a rule break as I last emailed on Friday the 4th so a new week would start tomorrow, thanks for the reminder.

I feel like I should split the transference and see a back up T, then maybe I won't be so hung up on every little thing that you do.

4 weeks ago today. I still picture you looking back as you walked away and I'm still angry I didn't run to you or scream something out.

4 weeks of daily thoughts of you and desires to see and talk to you and 4 weeks of you not caring anymore and moving on. How did this all happen? How did I become nothing to you so easily?

I'd give anything, literally, to hug you again.

I hate that I do all my gut-spilling by email, and then we never talk about it in session. It seems pointless, but at the same time I want you to know this stuff.

I can't believe it's been 4 weeks already DP, and I can't believe how strong you have been in these weeks, I'm not even at 48hrs and have completely lost my way.
I think you did the right thing by leaving without running back though, I think it showed such strength. I tried to do the same, I had planned to leave with head held high having thanked her etc, of course me being me, it didn't happen, I lost the plot, lost any sense of self composure and basically was properly 1 minute away from being escorted out the building.
As you know I follow your posts etc and I'm just really sorry that you have been failed by the system but remember you have such inner strength. 4weekd from now I can only pray firstly I make it to that but secondly i handle is with your strength.

I wanna hug mine too, at least I got that, I've never been able to hug before, I have huge touch issues. So the times we did hug were more healing than anything I've experienced before. It hurts so much to know that's never gonna happen again! I hope oneday we look back on it and think wow we did that and blessed that with had those amazing moments with our Ts but right now it's just too painful right

Please answer me, T. Please....

I’m a little confused and pleasantly surprised at how things went yesterday. You are nice. Phew.

ugh I feel weird -___-

I miss you. I told you I would this week.

I emailed another T, but didn't mention that I was borderline.

Maybe I am too much for you.

You told me that sometimes therapy with me brought you to the depths of despair and felt like you were ripping your hair out and that I pushed you to your limits. I am your biggest headache after all.

Tomorrow I have to start studying pharmacology. Exam on the 29th after all.

Did you understand me today? I'm not sure I understood myself.

Maybe I should just call it. You’d probably like that.

I get it. It just hurt at the time.

Dear T,
Well, now I'm going to associate you with Bette Midler. Not sure how I feel about that...
Love,
LT

Dear T. I wish I could talk to you. The 18th seems so far away. Darn. I think I'm getting attached to you. To self: disengage, disengage, disengage. Alert. Alert. Warning. Warning. Warning. Sirens everywhere. Kit

Dear T. I'm worried that when I tell you that I think God talked to me, you're just going to tell me its a hallucination. Kit