Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII - Page 5 - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 12-11-2018, 12:22 PM #41
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

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Originally Posted by nottrustin View Post
Not sure what possessed me to do it but I was in the general area of your office at our appointment time. So I went out of my way to drive over. I dont know what I was expecting but it it was so sad. There building was completely dark and no cars to be found. That never happened when we were meeting there. It was so sad. I wanted to park in my typical spot but I couldn't. It felt so creepy and painful. I wanted to cry but I just couldn't allow it. I know that use to drive you crazy. But I have cries so much since losing you. I will allow the feelings but not the tears. The emotions are a huge step for me, right.
I've gone by my T's office twice since he passed. Cried in the hallway.

The thing is, I imagined doing that over and over again while he was still alive. Always knowing one day I would lose him.
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Old 12-11-2018, 12:28 PM #42
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Did you send that ladybug? (A ladybug showed up in my office this morning. I don't even know how it got inside!)

It scared me for a second. I'm afraid of bugs, and at first I thought it was a wasp. I didn't realize they had such big wings. The wings are normally folded inside, I guess.

But as soon as I saw that it was a ladybug, I knew it was from you.

Are you letting me know you like the flowers? Are you telling me you're still with me?

Lately, I have been feeling like I'm losing you. I don't feel your presence as much as I used to. And that scares me. That scares me more than anything else.

So thank you for sending me a sign. I love you so much.

P.S. I took the ladybug outside because I didn't think it could survive inside my office. There is no food here. I don't know what ladybugs eat, but it's probably not paper. Paper is all I have here. And I was also afraid I'd accidentally crush it beneath a pile of paper. It was a very friendly ladybug. Perched on my finger as I took it outside.

I kinda wished I could keep it as a pet, but it would probably just die. So I set it free.
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Old 12-11-2018, 01:25 PM #43
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I'm doing things ,taking care of everything. I don't want to but I guess this is my life now. I think next session will be easy
You won't push to hard this close to the holidays.
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Old 12-11-2018, 01:30 PM #44
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I'm sorry I emailed, I'm such an idiot. Thankfully you can have me out of your life very soon.
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Old 12-11-2018, 01:31 PM #45
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

If I could do things over again, I would do them differently. I would try harder. I would buy you flowers more often. It would get to the point where you'd tell me to stop and you would ask me why I was doing that. I'd have to tell you I had this dream where you died, and in the dream I regretted not buying you flowers all the time while you were alive. And you wouldn't understand because wtf. But you would have to be where I am now to understand.

I've always felt such a compulsion to buy you flowers. It started very early in our relationship. I didn't act on it for almost a whole year. I can be a real coward at times.

Now, in retrospect, I wonder why I felt such a compulsion. A friend of mine laughed at me for obsessively wanting to buy my male therapist flowers. But I think it was a memory. If we meet again in the next life, I'll want to buy you flowers again. And, again, I wouldn't know why. But hopefully next time I'll act on it more quickly.
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Old 12-11-2018, 02:10 PM #46
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Quote:
Originally Posted by RaineD View Post
If I could do things over again, I would do them differently. I would try harder. I would buy you flowers more often. It would get to the point where you'd tell me to stop and you would ask me why I was doing that. I'd have to tell you I had this dream where you died, and in the dream I regretted not buying you flowers all the time while you were alive. And you wouldn't understand because wtf. But you would have to be where I am now to understand.

I've always felt such a compulsion to buy you flowers. It started very early in our relationship. I didn't act on it for almost a whole year. I can be a real coward at times.

Now, in retrospect, I wonder why I felt such a compulsion. A friend of mine laughed at me for obsessively wanting to buy my male therapist flowers. But I think it was a memory. If we meet again in the next life, I'll want to buy you flowers again. And, again, I wouldn't know why. But hopefully next time I'll act on it more quickly.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't really imagine your pain. This post really got to me- my T likes flowers too and kept a white rose plant but I've never sent him any but I think I will in June for father's day .
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Old 12-11-2018, 02:37 PM #47
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Dear T. I really want to tell you about the crappy thing my friend did to me. Usually I can brush this stuff off but this time it's not letting go. I feel so let down. And I feel down. Depressed. Do you even care? Kit.
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Old 12-11-2018, 04:00 PM #48
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

T,
You pushed me too hard today. You could see, even commented on, that I was very uncomfortable. Yet you still kept going...why? Why did anything that happened today in session happen the way it did? I came in really down and I left feeling even worse. I needed you today, and you failed me. And Iíll never tell you this, but I feel like youíve been failing me a lot, lately. I donít know if weíre the right fit. Or maybe itís just because Iím trying so hard to push you away. Maybe this is my fault. The point is, I donít have a connection with you. I really do think thatís on me, though, because of how badly it hurt when S left for her new job, and now my subconscious will just not let me feel connected to you. And I know that we had to end session because we were out of time, but that led to a lot of feelings of abandonment for me, and I self-harmed as soon as I got to my car. I wonít tell you that, because I know you wonít pay attention to it, so as not to feed the behavior. But, my self-harm right now is honestly a cry for help. You always answer my emails, and today you didnít. I donít think that you realize how much that hurts me. I need something more from you, and I donít know what that something is exactly, but I need you to help me figure that out. I just need you to HELP ME. PLEASE.
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Old 12-11-2018, 04:59 PM #49
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

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Old 12-11-2018, 06:54 PM #50
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

your response seemed distracted...hurried. I know you sent it like that so I wouldn't be kept waiting, but...it made me feel more alone.

I'll just be over here in my fantasy world. forever.
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