Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

LostOnTheTrail · Dec 09, 2018 at 05:01 PM

Anything you would like to say to your T, big or small...post it here.

atisketatasket · Dec 09, 2018 at 05:04 PM

Dear Info,

I want to go home. The problem is home no longer exists.

ATAT

RaineD · Dec 09, 2018 at 05:19 PM

I'm afraid I'll forget you. I went by your office again yesterday. It hurt, but it didn't hurt as much as it did a month ago. That terrifies me. I like the pain. The pain makes me feel close to you. It's all I have left. I'm afraid that one day I'll lose that too.

LabRat27 · Dec 09, 2018 at 06:40 PM

You acknowledged that there's part of me that would want to lash out and hurt that child.
What about you? Would you? Is there part of you that wants to hurt the child who went through that?
It would be understandable.

piggy momma · Dec 09, 2018 at 07:13 PM

I am going to fail your exam tomorrow. And I think I’m doing it to prove to you that I’m not as smart as you think I am. And, I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough, so why even try in the first place? Also, after this exam is over I never want to speak of it again. Ever.

nottrustin · Dec 09, 2018 at 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RaineD

I'm afraid I'll forget you. I went by your office again yesterday. It hurt, but it didn't hurt as much as it did a month ago. That terrifies me. I like the pain. The pain makes me feel close to you. It's all I have left. I'm afraid that one day I'll lose that too.

Twine I have just like that and attribute the pain to caring. If the pain stops then I will stop caring. Then I reminduself they when the constant pain stops it means I will remember her fondly and be able to laugh and enjoy the memories. Right now memories cause so much pain. I dont know when the pain will stop. I am far from that point.

LonesomeTonight · Dec 09, 2018 at 07:35 PM

Dear T,
I canceled tomorrow because of seeing you Friday...but I hadn't considered that tomorrow was the anniversary to the ex-MC phone call/rupture. Part of me wants to see if you have availability before Wed. (and then I'd cancel Wed./not schedule for rest of week), but part of me thinks I should just keep it as is.
LT

DP_2017 · Dec 09, 2018 at 07:47 PM

I've never dreaded seeing you until this week. i want to see you tomorrow but I also don't. It's the last time before the official "end" session. I am not sure how I can handle this week. Christmas is hard enough and your BS made it harder. I know you needed to get something better but I wish you considered clients a bit more in your choice. Holidays are hard for many.

I hope you are prepared for a sobbing mess when I read your goodbye letter. I can't believe this is all real.

LabRat27 · Dec 09, 2018 at 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Twine I have just like that and attribute the pain to caring. If the pain stops then I will stop caring. Then I reminduself they when the constant pain stops it means I will remember her fondly and be able to laugh and enjoy the memories. Right now memories cause so much pain. I dont know when the pain will stop. I am far from that point.

It sounds cliche, but I've found with grief that the pain never stops, it just becomes more bearable (at least for me, ymmv)

LonesomeTonight · Dec 09, 2018 at 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I've never dreaded seeing you until this week. i want to see you tomorrow but I also don't. It's the last time before the official "end" session. I am not sure how I can handle this week. Christmas is hard enough and your BS made it harder. I know you needed to get something better but I wish you considered clients a bit more in your choice. Holidays are hard for many.

I hope you are prepared for a sobbing mess when I read your goodbye letter. I can't believe this is all real.

Hugs...I agree that the timing sucks.

Dec 09, 2018 at 09:15 PM

I thought you said on the phone last week that you would see me at the usual time on the 7 jan and then the new time from the 21/1 onwards. I feel stupid and crying as i am disappointed that i wont see you on the 7th

RaineD · Dec 09, 2018 at 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Twine I have just like that and attribute the pain to caring. If the pain stops then I will stop caring. Then I reminduself they when the constant pain stops it means I will remember her fondly and be able to laugh and enjoy the memories. Right now memories cause so much pain. I dont know when the pain will stop. I am far from that point.

I am so afraid of losing him.

chihirochild · Dec 09, 2018 at 09:31 PM

Possible trigger:

I just want to be dead. It doesn't matter what we talked about last week or what we will talk about next week; I am a pathetic excuse for a human, a waste of a life, and if I had any fortitude at all I would deal with it once and for all.

Dec 09, 2018 at 09:51 PM

It hurts so much...why??? I am crying on the inside.

velcro003 · Dec 09, 2018 at 09:52 PM

T: the snow today helped my mood. too bad work will be open tomorrow, of course. i would love a day off. sigh.

at least i'll see you tuesday.

piggy momma · Dec 09, 2018 at 09:55 PM

I sent you an email and asked to see you in the morning. I hope you write me back.

autonoe · Dec 09, 2018 at 09:57 PM

I feel like I am annoying to you. I don't know if I really am annoying to you, or if you just look like that because other things are bothering you. But sometimes I'd rather not talk when you give me that feeling.

nottrustin · Dec 09, 2018 at 10:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RaineD

I am so afraid of losing him.

I know it is painful. I am so sorry

What if you write down some of fond memories? When I am really struggling I write an email to I talk about everything just like we did in sessions. I write about my family and my successe, grief, topics we us to discuss and current struggles. Sometimes in writing this stuff I hear her voice telling me what she is to say or whatever. I dont send the emails but I do save them. I also have many of the emails she sent me the last couple of years saved. I cant read them now but when I am in a better place someday I can go back through them.

Dec 09, 2018 at 10:31 PM

I am livid that you have been using me to make lots and lots of money and I don't mean from my co-pays. Guess you will be giving out plenty this Christmas to your "friends" and cohorts in crime.

RaineD · Dec 09, 2018 at 11:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I know it is painful. I am so sorry

What if you write down some of fond memories? When I am really struggling I write an email to I talk about everything just like we did in sessions. I write about my family and my successe, grief, topics we us to discuss and current struggles. Sometimes in writing this stuff I hear her voice telling me what she is to say or whatever. I dont send the emails but I do save them. I also have many of the emails she sent me the last couple of years saved. I cant read them now but when I am in a better place someday I can go back through them.

Writing emails but not sending is a good idea. I'll give it a try.

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Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

My Support Forums

atisketatasket Child of a lesser god Member Since Jun 2015 Location: Tartarus Posts: 19,143 (SuperPoster!) 8 12.4k hugs given	Dec 09, 2018 at 05:04 PM #2 Dear Info, I want to go home. The problem is home no longer exists. ATAT

RaineD Grand Member Member Since Aug 2017 Location: United States Posts: 950 6 962 hugs given	Dec 09, 2018 at 05:19 PM #3 I'm afraid I'll forget you. I went by your office again yesterday. It hurt, but it didn't hurt as much as it did a month ago. That terrifies me. I like the pain. The pain makes me feel close to you. It's all I have left. I'm afraid that one day I'll lose that too.

LabRat27 Poohbah Member Since Mar 2018 Location: CA Posts: 1,009 6 2,354 hugs given	Dec 09, 2018 at 06:40 PM #4 You acknowledged that there's part of me that would want to lash out and hurt that child. What about you? Would you? Is there part of you that wants to hurt the child who went through that? It would be understandable.

piggy momma Poohbah Member Since Oct 2018 Location: Canada Posts: 1,073 5 70 hugs given	Dec 09, 2018 at 07:13 PM #5 I am going to fail your exam tomorrow. And I think I’m doing it to prove to you that I’m not as smart as you think I am. And, I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough, so why even try in the first place? Also, after this exam is over I never want to speak of it again. Ever.

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,727 (SuperPoster!) 9 74.9k hugs given	Dec 09, 2018 at 07:35 PM #7 Dear T, I canceled tomorrow because of seeing you Friday...but I hadn't considered that tomorrow was the anniversary to the ex-MC phone call/rupture. Part of me wants to see if you have availability before Wed. (and then I'd cancel Wed./not schedule for rest of week), but part of me thinks I should just keep it as is. LT

Anonymous42961 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 09, 2018 at 09:15 PM #11 I thought you said on the phone last week that you would see me at the usual time on the 7 jan and then the new time from the 21/1 onwards. I feel stupid and crying as i am disappointed that i wont see you on the 7th

chihirochild Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: North America Posts: 2,360 7 4,865 hugs given	Dec 09, 2018 at 09:31 PM #13 Possible trigger: I just want to be dead. It doesn't matter what we talked about last week or what we will talk about next week; I am a pathetic excuse for a human, a waste of a life, and if I had any fortitude at all I would deal with it once and for all.

Anonymous56387 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 09, 2018 at 09:51 PM #14 It hurts so much...why??? I am crying on the inside.

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Dec 09, 2018 at 09:52 PM #15 T: the snow today helped my mood. too bad work will be open tomorrow, of course. i would love a day off. sigh. at least i'll see you tuesday.

piggy momma Poohbah Member Since Oct 2018 Location: Canada Posts: 1,073 5 70 hugs given	Dec 09, 2018 at 09:55 PM #16 I sent you an email and asked to see you in the morning. I hope you write me back.

autonoe Member Member Since Apr 2018 Location: US Posts: 118 6 28 hugs given	Dec 09, 2018 at 09:57 PM #17 I feel like I am annoying to you. I don't know if I really am annoying to you, or if you just look like that because other things are bothering you. But sometimes I'd rather not talk when you give me that feeling.

Anonymous59275 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 09, 2018 at 10:31 PM #19 I am livid that you have been using me to make lots and lots of money and I don't mean from my co-pays. Guess you will be giving out plenty this Christmas to your "friends" and cohorts in crime.