Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

T,
You let me down again, today. We have our moments when things are good and I feel cared for and connected, but those are few and far between. I think today was the nail in the coffin today, I give up on our therapy ever being productive. I try to tell you with words, instead of show you through unhealthy actions, how miserable I am, and I feel like you ignore my words. I repeatedly, day after day, wrote to you in my journal that I want to die, and it feels like you ignored that entirely. Well...you always ignore that entirely. Maybe that’s because I haven’t ever revealed the extent of my current ideation. I just don’t want to be involuntarily hospitalized. I used to talk about my suicidal thoughts all of the time with S, and she’d make them go away. But when you ignore them, they just continue to grow. Honestly, I don’t even feel inclined to share anything with you anymore, because when I share, it never gets me what I need. You make me miss S so much. Your advice today was crap. I told you I want to die and you come back with telling me to listen to motivational podcasts?? And you don’t even have any to suggest...I tell you my ex contacted me on Christmas to “be friends again” and you have absolutely nothing to offer regarding that. I feel so alone in life. You know that. I don’t think you know how much you contribute to that. I guess I just have to deal with this until summer. I assume I’ll be leaving the program then and finding a new T. I feel fine with that at the moment. I have determined today that letting you in and letting my walls down is never going to be worth it. You can’t help me like S could. You remind me way too much of M, sometimes, and we both know how my therapy with her worked out...I tried to tell you how I feel and you don’t seem to care. All I have left to do is to show you. I’m done trying to prevent self-harm. If I need it, I’m going to do it. I have to. I have no better emotional release. Skills stop working when you realize there is no getting better. Skills aren’t supposed to make me feel better, so what is? It used to be sessions. Now I just leave session unsatisfied the large majority of the time, feeling like my needs haven’t been met. And it hurt me when we talked about this once and you said that I have had a problem with every T that I’ve seen, except S. That’s so far from the truth. The only one that I saw for any period of time longer than a month/trial period and didn’t like was M. It feels like you’re blaming me for our therapy not working. You’re probably right to, though, I’m the one building the wall between us. But maybe that wall is a good thing...that’s what I’m starting to see today...
I could write to you all day...but I don’t think you’d ever really hear me...

I'm so mad at u rn

I know I said don't email back but...don't listen to me!

1.I've got more family drama to tell you, but it just makes more angry with my grandmother and I've been avoiding her as much as I can. The odd 2 mins hello each day but nothing more. Maybe I am just being selfish but I can't forgive her and just move on.

2.I was angry at you going away on holiday and if I'm being honest I feel like a bit of me still is.

3.

I get to see you tomorrow AND Friday!

Thank you for emailing me this entire break. All the hugs.

I am trying to be mindful and not run away with my negative thoughts. It has helped me not be so miserable.

Hi R,

Tonight I feel like hammered dog crap physically, which sure as heck isn't helping my mental state. Hopefully the crud will have passed through by the time I see you next.

Warmest wishes for the New Year,

Lost

When will this pain stop. When will my automatic thoughts about you and our next appointment stop. Today I have been searching for ways to connect with you. I have googled you more in depth than ever before. I just want to feel your warmth. Instead All I feel is more sadness because Ieill never see you again in this lifetime. It doesnt help that t is takening a week off. But because of the holidays falling in my appointment day I will have almost 2 weeks where I will not see her. I cant handle this pain anymore. If she cant really understand the grief I deal with in regards to my mom. I cant imagine she would understand about you. Dhe is very supportive though and mentioned even before your passing, you maternal roll in my life.

I'm using again cuz if I didnt I'd kill myself. So its actually a good thing ???😑

I am so excited to see you tomorrow. I have you all to myself for three hours!!! Tomorrow come soon...

You know what sucks? I'm a grown woman... capable of making my own life choices... if I choose to share things about my life with you, even if you are not my T, that should be MY choice.... being treated like a child because of "guidelines" is really irritating. I'm NOT a child and it drives me bonkers to be treated as such. I'm glad you get to be an adult still. Must be nice. Hope you are enjoying your new life, that I'm not a part of.

You have really nice eyebrows.

Just sayin'.

13 more days. I miss you. You better come back!

Hey-

I really appreciate you offering to see me tomorrow morning at 6:30. That's... actually kind of above and beyond.

Thanks voldie,
me

Three and half more weeks! I appreciate you practicing good self care but your christmas holidays are bordering on unbearable this year.

stay safe dna. i'm worried about you

L, that final poem that I have been wanting to write for you but feared the 'labor pains', tonite is finally being born...

The old company has posted a listing for your old job online.... you said they were not gonna replace you, looks like that's not true... and quite fast too. It also lists a fairly good pay but you claimed to be so poor, one reason you had to leave... how can you be poor with that money? Unless, because of you, they are offering more to the next... either way... I wish you were still a T, anything so I could talk to you, like a normal human

"If I don't hear back from you, then, I want to wish you the best of luck."

I cried immediately after I called you today because I'm going to miss you.

The tears I'm crying now are happy ones. When I left RoboT last year, something he said in our final session was that he believed that I would get better. I couldn't believe him for so many reasons. First, it contradicted what he said the session directly before. More importantly, I've never believed that I could be well.

Today, though? It does feel like a goodbye, even though I know your door is open. And surprisingly, I'm okay with this. I'm sad, obviously, but I don't think I need a PRN to cope. I won't SH tonight. I'll cherish the time we had as special. Tonight, I'm finally starting to see the growth in me that I couldn't see in a year. I'm seeing what you've seen the entire time.

So I don't need your luck. I'm going to be okay. I have a lot more work to do, but I'm going to be okay.

"Only" 9 days until I see you. Feel like I am sinking and 9 days seems so long. If I have learned anything the last 7 months it is I dont really need you or anybody else I will survive anything. All I need is myself and is God. Everything else is nice but not needed. I am thankful for all that you have helped me through.